I don't own Merlin.
When morning came, Merlin was still awake. Arthur had gone to sleep hours ago, but Merlin had stayed up, thinking. He'd pulled out all the books and maps he'd brought and conjured light to read by. Staying outside, he'd devoted his full attention to the plan. It felt so gratifying to be working on something again, to be focussing on the kind of work he was good at. It also kept his thoughts off Arthur. When he'd offered to tell Arthur more about his life, he'd answered with a noncommittal shrug. As Merlin spoke, Arthur had listened, but he hadn't seemed as attentive as other days, so Merlin had stopped before he got too far and Arthur had gone to bed.
But now, as the sounds of the others waking up reached him, Merlin felt sure he'd worked out a plan. As he slowly gathered the books and papers he'd been using, stretching his stiff limbs, he heard the noises of waking up change to those of conversation. Merlin continued shifting the books he'd been using and checking the area around him. As he did, he went over what he'd just planned. Deciding to send out a message meant that they would need to get to a radio station somehow. Merlin had thought about using a spell to avoid another detour, but eventually dismissed the plan when he couldn't figure out how magic would help.
If they continued towards Camelot, but veered slightly off course, then the group would come across a village that Merlin was almost certain had been abandoned. As far as he could work out, it also had a small radio station and, if they were lucky, there would be some non-perishables that had yet to be taken by raiders. From there it would be simple to continue to Camelot and await the results. Merlin was still unsure about that part, but he reminded himself that he could always work that out with the others. The books were more than thoroughly gathered by now, but Merlin stayed outside while he went over the rest of what would come.
They were about a day from the town, and it was maybe an hour or two from there to where Camelot had once stood, assuming they didn't meet with any more obstacles. Merlin watched a snake wend it's way over the ground at his feet as he considered the final details of the plan. They were leaving the part of their journey that took them through woods and forests. Today would take them through overgrown farmland and open spaces. There were some caverns by the town (if they weren't blocked up now), but other than that they'd be totally visible. Creasing his brow, Merlin picked up the books and turned to go inside. But just before he did, he stopped.
He could see Arthur had found more of the dried fruit, and some jerky, and was eating a small breakfast. Their friends were sitting around him, and though he could hear their words, somehow they didn't register to Merlin. He saw the scene almost as a tableau. Arthur seemed happier than he had ever since he came back. All of them, even Gaius who sat ever so slightly apart, were talking and catching up with such friendly ease and Merlin felt something catch in his throat. It didn't seem as though time had passed for his friends. There had been no long, lonely gap between their deaths and their arrivals in this time.
It had been so long since Merlin had had anyone he talked with as he had with these people before him. So long since he'd even been in the comfortable, welcoming presence of other people. Arthur was one thing, he'd been prepared for his return for months, maybe even years. But the unexpected arrival of the others... It hadn't hit him fully last night, but seeing them now, it felt suddenly so clear. And so real. Merlin found himself rooted to the spot, watching the conversation but unable to move to join them. Shortly, Gaius looked up and caught Merlin's eye. With a quick word to the rest he got up and walked to where Merlin stood. Gently, Gaius lead Merlin a few feet away and sat down.
"What's wrong, Merlin?"
"Nothing. No, it's - I'm not sure."
Gaius was quiet, waiting for Merlin to speak.
"They grew old Gaius. They all grew old and they died." Merlin's voice was thick. "And I was alive and I watched - Watched as..." He clenched his jaw. "It all happened so long ago. You've been gone for so long. I'm stuck on it, Gaius. And all that makes me is an old man with my thoughts fixed on a short time in my youth. When I had-", but the words caught in his throat and he couldn't go on.
Gaius still said nothing, but he put his hand on Merlin's shoulder. Merlin squeezed his eyes shut as hot tears rolled down his cheeks. He hadn't done this with Arthur. Telling him about it, he hadn't sugar coated it, but he'd never really shown how hard it was for him.
Finally, Gaius spoke, "Merlin. I know I can't begin to understand this, I don't think anyone can. But I have seen you face extraordinary challenges even as an untrained boy. I have complete confidence that, whenever you are ready, you will be able to face this equally well. Until then I will do whatever I can to give you what you need."
Merlin coughed and sniffed before answering, "Thanks, Gaius. Just... take those books in and help everything get packed. I - I'll be ready when we have to leave."
Gaius smiled and stood up slowly, returning to the others and leaving Merlin alone. His tears had dried, but Merlin sat sombre for quite some time. He stared at his hands, turning them over slowly. He'd grown used to the feel of a young body over the past several days, but the sight somehow still seemed wrong. Merlin thought about what Gaius had said, and about his time with Arthur over the past few days. As accustomed as he was to being alone, there was still a part of him that ached for conversation. For the smiling ease he had watched earlier. He breathed deeply, steading himself.
"Merlin!"
He didn't have to turn his head to know Arthur was coming towards him, slowly.
"We're all packed, and I kept some of the fruit out for you. Are you ready?"
Merlin took one last breath before standing and turning. "Alright. Let's go."
So this chapter was pretty description heavy, but hopefully you enjoyed it. If you did, or if you have any thoughts or comments, please review. any feedback is appreciated. Thanks for reading!
