Chapter 6: "Junk of the Heart" ~The Kooks


I wanna make you happy

I wanna make you feel alive

Let me make you happy

I wanna make you feel alive at night


Lukas was scrambling to finish his homework so he wouldn't have anything to stress about while Mathias was over. He was currently trying to finish reading an article on the history of graphic design in America, but it was so dull and he thought he might just fall asleep.

Mathias hadn't specified when he was going to arrive. Just that he would arrive sometime in the evening. That meant cleaning up the dorm and his room. He was relieved that Matthew wasn't messy, although he was home more than he thought he'd be. They talked sometimes, but never about anything important. Just small talk. Lukas tried to stay in his room most of the time.

There was a knock on his door and Lukas looked away from his phone. "What?"

"Mathias is here," Matthew said. Lukas ran his fingers through his hair quickly and fixed his pin before opening the door up. Mathias was looking around, although Lukas wasn't sure why because the dorm was still bare.

"Mathias."

He turned to Lukas with a wide grin. "Lukas! Hey, what's up?"

"Nothing. Come look," he said, motioning him into the bedroom and opening up the closet to reveal a cage. "This is Teeny Weeny."

Mathias laughed at the name. "Teeny Weeny? Why?"

Lukas shot him a look, then took out the bunny and stroked his ears. "It was Emil's idea. Teeny Weeny is old."

Lukas gave him to Mathias, who pulled lightly on the soft fur. "Old man," he murmured, playing with the ears. "When did you get him?"

They sat down on the bed, although Lukas made a point to leave some space between them. "I was twelve when I got him."

"Wow. He's small for being so old."

"It's just the breed," he said, flopping one of the ears around with a small smile on his face. "I love him. He's been helpful."

It was clear that the pet meant a lot to Lukas. Mathias was even gentler because of that. "How did he help you?"

"He's comforting," he replied. "He's like a little friend."

They were both silent after that. Mathias was baby-talking to the bunny and Lukas was trying to contain a bigger smile. He remembered something, though, and said, "What questions did you want to ask?"

"Right! I wanted to ask about your life. Just the major things. Events and people. Since you left Copenhagen, I mean."

Lukas didn't want to talk about that. He really hadn't had the most enjoyable time. Of course he had a few moments, but overall, he wished that things would have been better. His only comfort had been his family and his rabbit. A lot of it was because he chose to be anti-social, although he didn't want to admit that his unhappiness was his own fault.

"I could start with sixth grade. Is that okay?"

Mathias nodded, getting comfortable on the bed by leaning against the bedpost, Teeny Weeny still in tow. "Yeah! Just go ahead and go by each grade."

Lukas glanced at the floor, gathering his thoughts. "I didn't like sixth grade. I had a bad time. Nobody was mean, I just didn't make friends. I almost asked to be home-schooled." His next words were I missed you, but he couldn't get them out. It didn't feel appropriate. He needed to rephrase it.

"I thought about you, too, Mathias," he said. Upon hearing his name, Mathias looked up.

Really, Mathias was pleased. He felt at peace knowing that he wasn't entirely dropped. "I missed you, too."

Lukas' eyes narrowed faintly and he struggled to get the words out. "I didn't say that," he muttered quietly. Mathias' face dropped, but he recovered with a grin and a short laugh. "I'm sorry, I was just thinking," he said. "I didn't mean to make it weird."

Lukas stared blankly at him, then said, "I did miss you, though."

Thank God, Mathias thought. It was like a bullet right through the heart to hear otherwise. "Just go ahead and continue, Lukas. Seventh grade."

"Seventh grade was about the same. A little better because they let me into the advanced orchestra early."

Mathias smiled softly, watching him speak. Lukas didn't notice it at all, and that was good, because Mathias couldn't have hid the fact that he was admiring.

"Eighth grade was the worst year I'd had in middle school," he began, facing the door for this story. "There was a boy in my science class who just…" He paused to gather his thoughts once again. "He had a crush on me for some reason. I think it was because I had one of those stupid rubber bracelets with the multi-coloured flag. The gay pride one. I just thought I was showing support and all. I wasn't really trying to attract anyone."

Mathias nodded, leaning in so he could hear the story better, genuinely curious.

"But I wore it and the boy in my science class noticed and I didn't think about it. We worked on Sudoku puzzles together because we had a choice to do them for extra credit in that class. I never knew he liked me until he came up to me one day and hugged me. It lingered longer than it should have. People I didn't even know told me he liked me. It sounds so childish," he muttered, shaking his head. But Mathias put a hand on his shoulder and nodded.

"Continue. I want to know what happened. I mean, clearly this was important."

He reluctantly began again. "We had a dance in the fall. He wanted to dance and I agreed to be polite. I didn't like him that way. He was my only friend. I wanted to keep it that way. But he didn't and he kissed me, and I went along with it because, well, I didn't want him to hate me for refusing a kiss. It was good having a friend."

Mathias was frowning now.

"But I was such a bad kisser I guess and he told everyone in the school and they all made fun of me for the rest of the year. They created all kinds of rumors. Someone said I was so quiet because I was a secret member of the Hitler youth. It's almost funny now, but it wasn't funny then."

Mathias almost commented, but he knew it would have been pointless now. And he didn't want to risk saying the wrong thing. "Ninth grade?"

"My parents tried to send me to private school and I refused because I thought I was a hardcore atheist at the time," he said with a hint of a smile. "By the end of the year, I wished they would have sent me there. I didn't make any friends because I wore the same jacket every day and always had headphones on."

Mathias chuckled at that, not being able to help himself. "Yeah, yeah. Sounds about right."

Lukas smiled a little more freely, leaning against the wall. "I wore khakis a lot tenth grade. I dressed too nice to compensate for dressing so poorly."

"Naturally," the other said, crossing his arms with his usual grin.

"Junior year is when Emil started disowning me. He started realizing it wasn't cool to like your brother."

"Nah, he loves you."

Lukas gave a shrug. "He does, but it still wasn't a good experience for me. Junior year was similar to sophomore year. Then senior year came. I didn't have time for anything but school. I needed to graduate on top. I still only managed to be number thirty."

"So what'd you do after school for those two years before coming to Wake Forest?"

"Community college. I wasn't quite ready to leave my family behind," he said, a faint frown forming. "But I'm here now."

The way Lukas spoke made Mathias worried. "Do you regret it? Coming here?"

Lukas hadn't talked about this with anyone. He didn't like to mention how stressed he was about his entire life as a whole. He wasn't even sure about his major and he was a junior in college. He had just picked a degree, because really, he didn't want to do anything. It wasn't that he was lazy, he just didn't see anything that could make him happy forever, and all he wanted to be was happy.

"University worries me, Mathias. I just need a good degree from a good school."

"Lukas," he started, rubbing his neck for a moment while he thought. "You need to make the best of this time. You know? And I probably sound like everyone else. Savor time and things like that. But it's true. You're not here forever. Life comes. Real life, that is."

Lukas couldn't believe that Mathias could sit here and say something so smart to him. Something so right. It almost made him angry. "I know. I'm sorry for talking so much."

"I want to know what you're so worried about."

"You shouldn't care. You barely know me anymore," he said quietly.

Mathias just stared at him, shrugging faintly and flashing a smile. "I do care. I'm trying to get to know you because I think you're worth knowing!"

Lukas stared back, slowly smiling and shaking his head. "You're positive. Tell me what happened to you."

"I've always been positive!"

Lukas shook his head and scooted a little closer to him. "Since I left."

Mathias couldn't tell him what hell it had been for him for the first year. He couldn't tell him that he'd cried over him and been forced to see a counselor once a week. "Sixth grade was terrible. I actually don't want to talk about it, if you don't mind. I can tell you that my mom met her second husband."

"She remarried?"

"Yeah. But wait, there's more. In eighth grade, she was pregnant. By ninth grade, I had a little sister. Here, I have a picture. Pictures, actually. I love her so fucking much," he said, showing Lukas pictures of her on his phone. "Her name is Bodil, but I call her Bodey. She thinks it's funny."

Lukas just stared at the little girl, surprised by how much he'd missed. "She looks like your mom. She has eyes like yours, though."

"Thanks! I think. She's my best girl. I hate to be a soccer mom, but I honestly don't give a shit. How about Emil? Can I see him?"

Lukas nodded and took his phone out, showing pictures of Emil and his parents. Mathias stared at it for a good minute, zooming in on Emil. "Wow. He looks like you. But chubby."

"We're thinking it's a phase," he said with a soft laugh.

"Anyways, I actually graduated with Gilbert. We still talk. Although Ned moved a few years after you. He had to go back to Holland. I still connect with him through social media and things like that. We don't talk, but I see what he's up to."

"What are they both doing?"

Mathias slid to another picture, revealing Gilbert in a tux and a woman next to him in a wedding dress. Lukas grabbed the phone, not believing it. "He's married?"

"Yeah! They were married in June. I was his best man. Liz went to school with us, too. I don't know if you ever really knew her, though. Besides marriage, he owns his father's company. He makes a lot of money."

"Is Ned married?"

Mathias opened up an app, showing a picture of Ned. "No. He works as a waiter, from what I can tell. He smokes a lot, too. He told me there was a way he could get me good quality cheap weed in Charlotte, so I don't know what exactly he's doing besides waiting on people."

Lukas looked over at him curiously. "You smoke?"

"Sometimes. Not often because I run and smoke kills the lungs. You smoke?"

Lukas slowly shook his head. He had never smoked. He'd considered it, but he was sure it would make his anxiety worse, so he never tried. "No. I don't care for it."

"Just don't like it?"

"I don't like the stigma."

Mathias was silent for a moment before saying, "I understand that."

Lukas shifted uncomfortably before standing up. "Do you think I should?"

"What? No. You don't need to smoke. Don't smoke. Unless you want to."

"Does it bother you that I don't?"

Mathias blinked slowly, giving him a curious look. "Of course not. Do you want to smoke? We can. I have some in my room. Papers, too."

For a moment, Lukas just looked at the floor, as if deciding on his answer in his head before he spoke too soon.

"I'm not cool."

Mathias tried to cover a smile, but he started laughing and stood up. "What? Holy shit. Smoking weed doesn't make you cool. It's just a personal thing."

"But it's bonding I miss out on."

Mathias was full on laughing now, more amused than concerned like Lukas was. "How did we get on this subject? Look, you aren't missing out. I promise. You aren't alone because you don't smoke, Lukas. Alright? Smoking isn't that good, anyway."

"Oh, God. I'm weird," Lukas said in a monotone voice as he looked out the window. The other stood behind him, trying to get a look at his face.

"You're overthinking this, Lukas. You really are."

"It's not just that. It's with everything. Everything that people do to have a good time and enjoy themselves are things I don't like to do. Is it fair that I'm not willing to change?"

Mathias could see his reflection in the window, and instead of looking blank-faced like he often did, his eyebrows were turned up and he was frowning. It wasn't funny to him anymore. It was concerning and he felt bad that Lukas saw himself as low for doing what he wanted to do.

"It's fair. It's okay to be unwavering on certain things, Lukas."

In the window, Lukas' eyes found a spot and they didn't move again. He only said, "That makes me feel better."

Mathias looked at the clock, then smiled softly and put a hand on his shoulder. "Come on, let's grab something to eat. I know a great place."


"I don't fucking know, Alfred," he murmured, taking a long drag and leaning back in Alfred's computer chair. "I just feel so fucking guilty."

"He doesn't need your pity, bro," he responded, taking the joint from Mathias and taking a drag off of it as well. "Honestly, why do you feel bad?"

"Because he was my best friend basically. I should have found a way to make sure he was okay and I didn't. And now he's just full of anxiety and I put my hand on his shoulder and he was so fucking tense."

"That's not your fault."

Mathias unscrewed the lid on the orange juice and put it to his lips, taking a large gulp. "But I still feel bad, man. He doesn't have any friends here. He deserves so many friends. I want to give him every friend in the world."

"You sound like a faggot, bro."

Mathias choked on the juice and coughed into his sleeve roughly. "Fuck, man. Look what you made me do!"

"I think you should just invite him out as much as possible. Since he isn't social," Alfred said. "He'll get used to it and he'll get good with people."

"Yeah. I think I'll try that," he murmured under his breath. "I just want to see him happy."

Alfred looked over at him and started laughing, trying to catch his breath. "Fuck, bro. You remember sociology? We watched that documentary on that crippled girl or whatever who was just fucked from being secluded for twelve years? That's like Lukas."

Mathias slowly turned to him, glaring and standing up to leave. "Hey, fuck you, man."

"Wait! Your weed, sir," Alfred said in a fake British accent as he held up a little bag. Mathias glanced back at it, reluctantly shaking his head.

"You keep the rest. I just wanted a last 'hurrah', man. I think I'm done."