Chapter 7: "When Did Your Heart Go Missing?" ~Rooney


I'm retracing every step in my head

What did I miss back then?

I was so, so misled


Mathias K.

Hey you busy tonight

Lukas

Why?

Mathias K.

I have a match. Its gonna be on tv so you should definitely come

Lukas

I'll think about it.

Mathias K.

Party after. Think about that too

Lukas stared at the phone. He was sure he'd go to the match. He got in free as a student and he could leave at any time. But the last party he attended was off-putting. If he was going to have to deal with an ass like he had to deal with last time, he didn't want to go.

At least he'd know someone there, though. Maybe things wouldn't go as bad as they had before. He stood up, looking at himself in the mirror he'd bought just a few days back. He didn't think he'd looked at his own reflection so much before. It wasn't pleasing, exactly, but he cared more than he should have.

He removed the hairpin, then slid it back in tighter. His eyes moved to his eyebrows, which he never dealt with. He swore the hairs went up an inch past where they were supposed to be on the ends. At least the hair was light, because he really didn't want to have to wax them or whatever it was women did to contain them.

Facial hair wasn't a problem, either. He was bad at growing it. It came in patchy and was too light to make much of a difference. That was the same with most of the hair on his body. He just wasn't very hairy, although what he did grow, he rarely shaved. There was no reason to.

He wished he wasn't so pale, either. Like he hadn't had sun in years. All of the blue veins were visible from his neck down to his wrists. He was practically translucent. Like one of those weird fish that live at the bottom of the ocean. He held up an arm, flexing it and staring at what muscle was there.

Lukas really should have worked out. He wasn't doing a sport, but he should have been keeping up with his health better and it took seeing someone healthy and fit like Mathias to realize that.

Although he still wouldn't exercise now. He knew he wouldn't. It was just a thought.


Everything was so bright and loud and confusing, but Lukas was at the match, sitting in the bleachers with the other students. He had come a little late, but he was here now. He scanned the field for Mathias, although he had no idea which number he was until he heard,

"Number five, Mathias Kohler drives it home!"

The student section was loud. They were cheering and throwing fists up into the air, while Lukas just sat there quietly clapping, his eyes now fixed on Mathias. He was smiling, he could tell that from here. He was also sweaty, because he was glistening.

Next to him, he could hear people talking about Mathias. He recognized one as Natalya, while the others were probably her friends. Don't eavesdrop. Don't do it…

He slowly scooted closer to them.

"I wish he put that much effort into our relationship," she said, crossing her arms. Lukas almost stopped listening, feeling guilty for listening to something that was clearly intimate, but he didn't move away. There was a part of him, a devil on his shoulder, almost, that needed to have something against her.

"Honestly he is so hot, Natalya," one of her friends said. Natalya sighed, taking a drink of tea from a square bottle under the bench.

"Like, yeah. But he acts like such an asshole sometimes. I don't even deserve to be treated like that."

Was Mathias an asshole? That figured. That would be Lukas' luck.

"You need a tighter leash, honey," the other friend said.

"I looked through his phone the other day. He doesn't know I know the password," she said with a smirk. "I wanted to make sure he wasn't cheating, you know?"

The friend cleared her throat and gave a small laugh, then said, "Yeah, I totally get that. I'm sure he isn't that bad."

Her tone made Lukas cringe and he had to wonder why the friend was so antsy about the subject of Mathias cheating. His instincts told him that she and Mathias had probably done something they shouldn't have, but for some reason, thinking that made him feel sick.

"The only other people he was texting was some idiot friend from Denmark named Gil or something, his mom, Alfred, of course," she said with an eye roll, "And then that Lukas guy from my folklore class, which I don't even know why he's talking to him."

Lukas tensed and covered his face slightly, not looking at them anymore but still listening. It was hard because there was a sudden cheer, but when things settled, Natalya began talking again.

"Like, he's so weird. He doesn't say anything, I swear. It's like there's nothing there."

"Like, what do you mean? Better explanation, Natalya."

She seemed to think for a moment. "Like a robot or something. Like there isn't an actual soul there. Ugh, it's weird. He doesn't show any emotion but sometimes he looks nervous."

"Maybe Mathias just wants to mess with him," the friend suggested. Lukas' breath caught in his throat and he wished he hadn't decided it would be okay to listen to their conversation. It only made him feel bad. He scooted further away, staring down at his lap. He didn't know why he cared. People had said worse things about him and he brushed it off most of the time.

He buried his face in his hand, glad when the game finally ended and he could stand. By now, he was scrambling to push past people and leave. He didn't want to go to the party anymore. Natalya would be there and Mathias would hang out with her and in turn, Lukas would have to hang out with her.

The people were so thick that he couldn't get past them and he had to walk the other way to use the south entrance. As soon as he turned, though, he heard someone calling his name.

Please don't, he thought, his entire body tensing. It was too late. Mathias climbed up into the bleachers and pulled him into a sweaty hug that surprised Lukas more than it should have. He awkwardly patted his back, not minding how damp he was much.

"I'm so fucking glad you're here, Lukas. You have no idea. I thought you weren't gonna show!"

"Yeah. You did a really good job."

Mathias cocked his head to the side and grinned, trying to read Lukas' expression. "You coming to the party?"

He swallowed thickly and shook his head, looking blankly at the ground. Mathias frowned slightly, grasping onto his shoulder. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"I don't think I should go."

Mathias looked around, then leaned in closely to him. "Look, if you feel uncomfortable, I'll walk you back to your dorm. Doesn't matter if you only come five minutes. Say the word and you're out of there."

"Who's going to be there?"

Before he answered, Mathias looked at everyone in the stadium. "Is there someone you're worried about? Someone fucking with you?!"

"No! No." He sighed quietly, thinking the situation over. He knew Natalya would be there, but surely she wouldn't treat him different than she had before. Even if it was fake, it would be better than if she flat out acted like she didn't like him. "I'll go."

"Great! I'm so glad you changed your mind."

Mathias was in and out of the locker room in a flash. Lukas waited for him and they walked to the party together. It was at another house, not Mathias'. They walked in together, but Mathias immediately left him to find the drinks. He came back with two beers in his hand, half of one already gone. He handed one to Lukas, who held it without putting it to his lips.

"I don't drink," he said quietly. Mathias finished the beer in his hand and took Lukas'.

"I understand. No worries, Lukas."

"Mat," a shrill voice said. Lukas looked at the floor again, freezing in place. Mathias turned to Natalya with a smile as he drank his second beer.

"Hey, Natalya. You like the game?"

Her eyes flickered from Lukas to Mathias. She wasn't happy. "Can I talk to you in private, Mat?"

"Yeah, hold on."

He chugged the rest of the beer, wiped his mouth, then followed her, giving Lukas an apologetic look. Natalya went into a bedroom and slammed the door shut, locking it. "Why didn't you come see me after the game?"

"What?"

"I literally come to your stupid game and you don't even see me after it's over. I could have been doing better things than attending the game, okay? I saw you hugging that guy and I don't even know why the hell you were doing that. He clearly doesn't like it. You keep being so fucking weird."

"I'm just being friendly, alright? You wouldn't understand that."

"I literally am so nice to you. I do so much for you and I deal with your shit and you treat me like a whore!"

Mathias groaned and rubbed his face, muttering, "Oh my God. Can we please not do this right now?"

"No, we're doing this right now."

"I just won the fucking game. I don't think this is the time, alright?"

Natalya shoved his chest hard and huffed loudly, tears welling up in her eyes. "You're such a fucking prick! You don't give a shit about me!"

"Maybe if you weren't acting like such a fucking psycho, I wouldn't be such a prick. Such a fucking cunt sometimes."

She was crying now and Mathias looked away, rubbing his forehead slowly. He couldn't help the guilty feeling that was washing over him. He didn't hate Natalya. He didn't want to make her miserable. But he wasn't attracted to her and he didn't want a relationship anymore. He was trapped and he was snapping from the pressure of having to please someone he didn't want to please.

He knew that was no excuse.

"I'm sorry, but I can't keep doing this. I wanted to wait on this and tell you later, but it can't wait anymore. We can just be friends if you want, but I can't do this anymore," he said quietly, looking away from her. Her tears ceased for a moment before she started sobbing.

"Fuck you, Mathias! You're such a fucking asshole!" She walked over, banging her fists on his chest and shoving him into the wall. He just let her. It didn't hurt badly enough to matter and he knew she needed to get rid of some of her anger.

"I know. I'm a fucking asshole."

She wiped her eyes and walked over towards the door, opening it. "Whatever. You'll be back for me, just like last time. Because you're fucking pathetic and I know you can't stand to be alone," she spat out, venom dripping in every word. Mathias didn't watch her leave, but he knew when he heard the front door slam shut that she was gone.

He walked out, surprised to see a small group gathered around the door, watching him. Alfred put a hand on his shoulder, although he was smiling. "Atta boy. Remove all that toxic shit from your life, bro."

He gave a weak smile and began laughing, reaching for another beer. "Yeah, I guess so, man. Sorry you all had to hear that. I didn't want to do that now. Wanted to wait until the season was up, but you gotta do what you gotta do."

Mathias wasn't sure how he felt about what had just happened. He didn't feel bad, but he didn't feel good, either. He didn't want to break up with her here or now. It was a complication he wasn't quite ready to deal with.

"Hey, where's Lukas?" He said, suddenly noticing that he was nowhere to be seen. Alfred shrugged, as did everyone else. It was obvious now that he'd left, and Mathias, without another word, left to find him.


Lukas had heard everything. He wanted to move, but his feet felt heavy. He heard Natalya call herself a whore, Mathias call her a psycho, and he heard her crying. When she ran out, she had given him a dirty look that made even him feel like he needed to apologize.

He no longer wanted to be there. He walked out after she did, practically running back to his dorm. Matthew looked up at him when he came in, wondering why he looked so red and out of breath. "Hey, are you okay? You look a little…" He motioned to his own face with a grimace. Lukas huffed, grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge and drinking it quickly.

"Fine. I'm tired," he said, starting to walk over to his room. Someone knocked on the door right as he was about to walk in. He slowly turned, hoping it wasn't who he thought it was. Of course it was exactly the person he was expecting.

"Mathias."

"Lukas, you left!"

"You said I could leave whenever I wanted," he replied. He tried to shut the door, but Mathias put a hand on it and kept it pushed open a crack.

"Come on, jus' lemme apologize. I'm guessing you heard all that."

Lukas hesitated. Of course he'd heard it. He'd been standing right there. He slowly opened the door and allowed Mathias in, though he led him to the bedroom and immediately shut the door so Matthew wouldn't hear any of this.

"Don't apologize," he said quietly. "I don't care."

"I really am sorry, though. I tried to tell 'er I didn't wanna talk about that."

He looked over, giving Mathias a suspicious look. "It was your fault just as much as it was hers."

"What? Come on, Lukas."

"You could have shut it down but you didn't. You didn't remain unwavering when you should have."

Mathias stopped talking and just nodded. "You're right. I'm sorry. I don't want to talk about it."

Lukas sat down on the bed, taking off his shoes and wishing Mathias would just go so he could go to sleep and forget how awful he'd heard Mathias be. "You can go."

Mathias stood there, not moving for some reason. He didn't have a plan, but he didn't want to leave like this. Everything felt too unresolved. "Come on."

"Go, please."

"Lukas, I don't wanna leave ya."

The other scooted back on the bed, not wanting Mathias to be any closer. "Why?"

He sat on the bed, forcing Lukas to stand up so he could be further away again. He kept his arms crossed tightly across his chest. He was wary of Mathias, mostly because of the drinks he'd had back at the party.

"You sure yer asexual?"

Lukas nearly choked. He couldn't believe he was hearing this. He almost sounded like his mother. If his mother was a drunk frat boy, that is.

"I'm…" He wasn't positive, but close enough. "I'm sure."

"Lukas, tha's bullshit. You're too good to be asexual."

At this point, Lukas was moving towards the door and Mathias was standing again. He wondered if Matthew could hear them. "I'm ace! I didn't choose it."

"But ya miss out!"

The others eyes narrowed, then he said, "On what?"

Mathias moved forward faster than Lukas had expected and grabbed his waist, pulling him into a kiss that was surprisingly forceful and bitter like the beer he had probably had on his way over.

Lukas, with strength he rarely had to use, shoved him off and slapped him in the face so hard that his palm felt numb. "Get out!" He yelled shakily, opening the door and grabbing his collar. Mathias was stunned. He pulled out of Lukas' grip and gave him a look of pure betrayal, although if anyone should have been feeling betrayed, it was Lukas.

"Fine. I know when I'm not wanted!"

Lukas watched him as he sauntered out into the living room. Matthew had a stack of pancakes on a paper plate and was watching the two like it was the best episode of Jerry Springer he'd ever seen. Lukas didn't have time to care. He followed Mathias, suddenly feeling guilty.

"Mathias, I didn't mean—"

"No. It's my fault. I'll leave ya alone, Lukas. Jus' have a good night for me," he said quietly as he walked out the front door, slamming it so hard that Lukas could hear some of the furniture shaking.

Lukas stared at the door with wide eyes, then ran back into his room and slammed the door shut, curling up on his bed. He buried his face in his hands, letting out a scoff.

Because the worst part wasn't the kiss. Or that Mathias left. Or that he showed up drunk. Or that he had just broken up with his girlfriend and was already moving on, even.

It was the way his cheeks had felt hot when he was being kissed. The way that his stomach churned in the worst best way. And how he knew that if Mathias would have been sober, he wouldn't have pulled away.