Chapter 8: "I Think I Love You" ~The Partridge Family


I think I love you so what am I so afraid of?

I'm afraid that I'm not sure of a love there is no cure for

I think I love you isn't that what life is made of?

Though it worries me to say that I've never felt this way


Fuck. Oh, fuck.

Had he really done that? Mathias rubbed his forehead and got out of bed, wishing the curtains weren't wide open with the light blaring into his room like the sun itself was a few inches away from his window. He stumbled over to the window, shut the blinds, and searched for his sunglasses.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do," he murmured under his breath. He had fucked up big time. This was the worst thing that could have happened. Well, not the worst, because he had no problem with kissing Lukas. But he didn't want to kiss him so soon. He'd probably scared him off.

Even if he hadn't scared Lukas off, there was no way in hell he was going to text him. He'd end up humiliating himself even further. And what were the chances he'd text back? Something like zero.

He needed a real plan. A way to apologize that seemed sincere. What he really needed to do was apologize in person. But should he text first? Call? Show up unexpectedly?

No, no. Not the last one. But what if he didn't text back or answer his phone? It was a good possibility. Mathias wished he could have asked Alfred for help, but he would want to know who he'd kissed, and there was no way he was telling Alfred that it had been another guy.

Suddenly, he opened his laptop, turning the brightness down to the lowest setting, and typed in a website into the search bar. It was an ask website he'd used a few times back in high school that he still had an account on. He typed into the question bar. "Last night I got drunk and made a move on my friend and I need advice."

He had no idea what he was going, and this would hopefully help. After a while, he got an answer that said, "Text her and tell her you were possessed by a demon and it wasn't your fault."

As bad as he felt, he laughed and scrolled down, seeing a second answer that he hadn't noticed before. This one read, "I would definitely call or text her and apologize, if I were you. Let her know how much she means to you, and tell her that you weren't yourself when you kissed her that night."

The answer was surprisingly sound. Mathias took his phone out, composing a text.


Lukas hadn't moved from his bed for anything but the bathroom, water, and a couple pieces of toast since last night. He felt emotionally drained. Almost like he'd ran a marathon. He didn't plan on getting out of his bed until he had to go to class tomorrow.

Last night was still eating at him. Part of him said to blame the entire situation on Mathias, but the other part said to blame himself. After all, Mathias might have clung to what little relationship they had in fifth grade.

But did he have to kiss me? Idiot. . .

He wrapped the comforter tighter around his body and began to read his book again. It was hard to distract himself with reading, though, because he'd mindlessly read through three pages and realized he'd been thinking about something else the entire time. After a few minutes, he set the book on the nightstand and turned onto his other side.

"I'm kind of worried about you. Not to sound rude, but you've been in here since last night. Do you need food or water or anything?"

It was Matthew. He had opened the door a crack, but wasn't looking in. That was excellent because Lukas looked like a zombie, he was sure. "I'm fine. Thanks," he replied. He waited a moment before the door clicked shut, then he closed his eyes for his third nap that day.

He fell asleep for what felt like hours. He would have slept longer, but he heard his phone buzz and grabbed it, fumbling in his tired state to type in his password. When he saw the text, his stomach churned.

(336)445-1024

Hey, I just wanted to apologize for how I acted. I wasn't myself AT ALL and I didn't mean to scare you. Could we talk sometime? Sometime after the 26th? So you have some space. I am so, so sorry!

Lukas was too eager to forgive him. He wasn't supposed to be giving in like this. He was already typing a response, although he should have been using his head more.

Lukas

Fine.

(336)445-1024

Thank you Lukas you don't know how much this means to me

Lukas

I need to sleep.

MathiAss

Ok goodnight?(Afternoon)


The reason Mathias couldn't talk for so long was because of an upcoming game in Akron. He wasn't as excited for it, though. Despite Lukas texting him back, he was stressed out. Of course he couldn't tell how he was through text, but he seemed upset.

That's all he was thinking about on the bus ride to Ohio. He was trying to create a master plan for gaining Lukas' trust again. He was also avoiding all of Natalya's texts and phone calls. She was relentless. His voice box was full and it was useless deleting her texts because she would just send them all back within the hour. Didn't she have something better to do?

Alfred thought he should answer one of her calls and roast her, but he wasn't that bad. He felt too guilty. He already felt like an asshole for everything he'd done in the past two weeks, he didn't need to make it worse.


That Monday, Lukas had his folklore class. He sat in his normal chair, putting his stuff away beneath the table and taking out a notebook for notes. The class didn't start for a few minutes, so he took out his phone and checked everything, seeing if Emil had put up new photos on Instagram.

"Um, hi, Lukas."

Natalya was looking down at him from her seat behind him when he turned. She gave a small wave and he awkwardly returned it. She leaned forward in her seat, crossing her arms so that the shirt she was wearing pushed her cleavage up. Although Lukas noticed it, it just made him feel more awkward and he almost turned back around, but he felt pretty bad about what had happened to her on Friday with Mathias.

"So, is Mathias texting you? He keeps texting me, like," she rolled her eyes. "He won't stop."

Lukas stared at her, dumbfounded. He didn't think Mathias would be talking to her anymore after all he'd said at the party. Her phone suddenly buzzed and she gave him a smile before texting with a frustrating sigh. "I'm in class. He's so crazy, ugh."

For some reason, Lukas felt like he wanted to hit something or yell at someone. He gave a quiet, "Oh," only out of politeness, and turned to the front of the class.

For the time he had left, he could hear her talking to her friends about Mathias. By the end of it, he felt like either crying or making someone cry.


Mathias didn't talk to Lukas again until Sunday, giving him a week to cool down if he was still angry. Once that week was up, he decided to text him again and arrange some sort of meeting.

MathiAss

Can I see you?

Lukas

When?

MathiAss

Now? If that's ok

Lukas

Okay, I guess. Are you coming over?

MathiAss

We should go out for a walk bc nice weather

Lukas

Do you have a car?

MathiAss

Yeah I'll come over in a few

Lukas

Okay.

Mathias fixed his hair, drank a beer, and grabbed his car keys. He was beyond thrilled to be able to talk to Lukas in person and to at least try to read his expression. He didn't talk a lot and it could be hard to tell where he stood on things. In fact, a lot of things were hard with him. He was complicated.

But that was absolutely fine. Mathias walked over to his car, getting in and starting it up. As he drove over to pick up Lukas, he was thinking about their relationship. It wasn't necessarily his plan to pursue him. In fact, he had no illusion about Lukas' sexuality. He had said he was asexual and he didn't want to interfere with that.

Although somewhere inside of him, there was something constantly grinding on his nerves. It was some sort of entitlement. The idea of being so intimate with Lukas before and having that taken without a say.

Obsessive was a word that came to mind. Mathias tried to push that thought away. It wasn't as though he was constantly thinking about Lukas. But he also couldn't ignore that he was always there, like a base to build his decisions on. Like religion.

The same word echoed through his mind and he wished he had drank two beers and not just one. Lukas couldn't be that important after a month. That was just insane. It was strange and obscure and silly. This was some kind of infatuation that he developed God knows when. It would die out and he would be back to another girl like Natalya to cure both loneliness and lust.

So why pursue him, anyway? Why apologize? Why seek him out? If he was just going to drop him like he had Natalya, it was useless. He'd end up hurting him and he'd be the biggest asshole on the planet for hurting someone like Lukas.

His mind told him to pull out of the situation, but his heart told him to see the possibilities in building on his previous relationship with Lukas. Maybe he was driven by lust. It wouldn't have been the first time. But he didn't lay in bed at night and imagine touching Lukas.

Well, that was a lie. He did. But he didn't make a point to! Actually, he did. But he didn't only think about that. He thought about what he could do to make him happy and places he'd like to take him to see around the city. Caring for him, ultimately, was his vision. Complimenting Lukas' life.

As he walked inside Lukas' building, he remembered something his mother had told him when he was a teenager.

"Men like to show off,- put up fronts – but they all want love. Even when they say stupid things, sweetie. And you'll say stupid things, I promise. But sometime when you're older, you'll see someone who you don't just want to kiss or touch. You know what I mean. You'll want to make them happy if it's the only thing you can ever do for them. Even your father feels that. He's an ass, but he's human."

Mathias stared at Lukas' door.

The conversation had been over his father upon the realization that he wasn't ever going to remarry. He asked his mother about it and they somehow ended up discussing love in general.

"If he wants love, if he's human and all that, which I know he is. I'm not saying he's not. But why isn't he trying to get with anybody?"

He could still see his mother's smile and hear her humorless laugh.

"People don't always pursue what they want. I think some people just enjoy being miserable. Let me tell you something, Mathias. If you want something and you can get it, within reason of course. Don't go around stealing new phones and idiotic things like that. But if you can, take it. Pursue what you want or you'll spend the rest of your life regretting that you didn't, like your father."

He knocked on the door. Within seconds, Lukas was in front of him and staring at the ugly pattern on the carpet. "Lukas, it's good seeing you. Come on, let's go," he said, going over to the elevator and clicking the button. "I'm sorry about what happened. I'm a big idiot. I wasn't myself the other night and-"

"It's okay."

Mathias pursed his lips, taking a step closer to him on the elevator. "I just don't want you to feel weird about this. I mean, I know you're ace. I would never take advantage of that. Besides, I'm not trying to be your friend with any hidden motives. I think you're great."

Lukas looked over at him, awkwardly touching his shoulder. Mathias glanced down at the hand, surprised at the other for even being willing to touch him at all.

"It's okay. Really. I forgive you."

There was silence between them as the elevator doors opened and they stepped off into the lobby. After a moment, Lukas said, "You think I'm great?"

Mathias grinned, unlocking the car and saying, "Better than great!"

The other got into the car, buckling up and looking over at Mathias, who he was surprisingly glad to see. He thought he'd be more nervous about going out with him, especially after the kiss, but Lukas felt fine in the car and he leaned back in the seat, closing his eyes.

"Uh, I'm gonna swing by somewhere to get something to drink. Not a drink drink, but it's warm outside. I'll buy you something."

Lukas glanced over, taking out his own wallet and counting a few dollars. "No. I got it."

"Lukas, please."

"Mathias, please."

They both looked at each other. Mathias looked away to watch the road and shook his head. "It's not happening. I can't. It'll hurt my pride to make you pay."

"It'll hurt my pride to let you pay," he replied. Mathias turned down the music and mumbled something under his breath, although he was grinning the entire time.

They listened to the music for a few minutes, then Mathias pulled over and parked the car. He looked over at Lukas. "What do you want?"

He unbuckled and looked at the menu. "I want a cherry Dr. Pepper. Just a medium."

Mathias nodded, pushed the button, and said, "Could I get a cherry Dr. Pepper and, uh… a large tea, half cut. Oh, and make the other a medium."

"Separate the orders."

Mathias turned and just smiled at him.

"Mathias, separate them."

He shook his head and started to roll up the window, but Lukas climbed out of his seat and reached over Mathias' lap, pushing away the others hand and rolling the window down. He tried to reach the button, but he was still too far away and Mathias was pulling him back into the car. "Jesus! You're about to fall out, Lukas," he managed through laughter.

Lukas sat back down in his seat with a huff and put away his wallet. "I told you I was paying for myself."

"And I told you it hurt my pride."

Lukas reached over and punched his arm, although he remained unaffected and was still smiling like an idiot. After sulking for a moment, he said, "Thanks, Mathias."

"Don't mention it. It's the least I could do."

When they got their drinks and paid, Mathias began driving again and was looking up an address on his phone.

"Where are we going?"

"We're just going to enjoy the weather, you know? I promise it'll be good."