Chapter 9: "I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire" ~The Ink Spots
I've lost all ambition for worldly acclaim
I just want to be the one you love
And with your admission that you feel the same
I'll have reached the goal I'm dreaming of believe me
The weather was especially nice today, which meant that the park was busy with people walking dogs and parents watching their children as they swarmed the playground equipment. Lukas found the park refreshing. It was good to be around people who weren't constantly on about finishing a homework assignment or a terrible hangover.
It was almost like he didn't have to worry about school as much as long as he was in the park with Mathias, who was sliding a pair of sunglasses on and walking along a path. Lukas followed, seeing what the park had to offer.
"So how are you, Lukas? Do you like it here yet?"
Lukas looked over, shrugging like he did when he didn't want to answer a question honestly. "It's fine."
"Just fine?"
"Just fine."
Mathias didn't accept the answer. He was relentless. "How are your classes going?"
Classes. Lukas thought back to Natalya in folklore class and what she'd said. He'd almost forgotten about it until Mathias brought up class. "Good. How's Natalya?"
He normally wouldn't have pried like that, but something compelled him otherwise. Mathias stared at the ground and sighed heavily, then said, "Uh, I honestly don't know. I haven't talked to her since the party. I mean, I hope she's okay."
"You haven't talked to her?"
"No. Why are you saying it like that? You think I should or something?
Lukas slowly shook his head. Natalya had said that they'd been talking, so somebody was lying. But why would either of them lie? What would be the point?
For Natalya, it could have been to save face. But she was acting strange that day. She sounded unusually sweet, almost to the point where Lukas didn't want to hear her anymore. And she was unusually vocal about Mathias texting her. But on the other hand, she was always vocal.
For Mathias, he must have wanted to appear single. He thought back to the kiss and what it could have possibly meant. If he did want to pursue Lukas, it would be best to appear completely open. Not in a relationship, not talking to someone, nothing.
As much as Lukas hated to admit it, Mathias seemed like the one who was lying. He had more reason to lie and evidence stacked up against him. Lukas had the creeping suspicion that Mathias had cheated on Natalya with one of her friends. He supposed he needed a lot more evidence before thinking something so harsh, but it was a lingering thought.
If he did get back together with Natalya, would he still try to pursue someone else?
"Lukas, you okay?"
Mathias' voice took him out of his thoughts and he looked over at him again with a flustered look. "Yeah. Between… bros," Lukas cringed at using the word "bro". "Uh, did you ever…"
It was obvious how nervous Lukas was, but Mathias didn't know why. He smiled at the word "bro", though. It didn't sound natural at all. Just awkward.
"What is it? Bro."
"Shut up. I was wondering if you ever… cheated on her. Just, how she was acting."
It took a lot out of Lukas to ask that. He knew it could be offensive to even insinuate that Mathias cheated, but his curiosity on the subject was overwhelming. Mathias, as always, seemed comfortable.
"Wow. I actually didn't. One of her friends tried to hook up with me and it was the weirdest fucking thing. She kept putting her hand on my leg and she was just a ditz and I couldn't take it. She did the fake laugh. You know the fake laugh? Where girls laugh but it doesn't reach their eyes and they look like they're going to rip your dick off for some reason and carry it around like a trophy?"
Lukas stared at him, slowly nodding despite not knowing that experience. He was just glad that Mathias was saying that he hadn't cheated.
"Listen, Lukas. I know she's in one of your classes and I don't know what she says about me, but it's probably bad. I broke up with her at the end of the summer and she flipped. Just went crazy. She texted me all day and night and kept calling and finally she confronted me. Shit, it was bad. I got back together with her because I felt so bad, but…" He shook his head with a forced smile. "Immediately remembered why I left her. I was planning on leaving her for good in December, but time has other plans, you know?"
Lukas was silent for a moment. He just watched Mathias. He looked good today. His hair looked nice in the sun, almost golden. He couldn't see his eyes because of the sunglasses, but he just seemed to glow all over. His arms looked especially good. Why was he admiring him like this, anyway?
His arms. Look at his arms.
"Lukas, you okay? You're spacing out."
They were strong, tanned from the long, sunny days he'd spent practicing, and he had visible veins working up and down his forearms. Similar, but so much different from himself. While Lukas' veins were flat and blue through his skin, Mathias' were raised and the colour could only be seen on the underside of his wrist near his palm.
Overall, it was visually pleasing.
"Lukas?"
"Huh?"
He hadn't realized that they'd stopped walking or that he himself was actually sweating, almost panting from the heat and how little exercise he got.
"You okay? You're pink. You were walking a little fast for a second there. Heat getting to you?"
He slowly shook his head with a polite little smile that vanished almost as soon as it appeared. With the back of his hand, he wiped the sweat from his forehead. "I was lost in my thoughts."
"What were you thinking about?"
His stomach churned like it had when he'd been kissed. Just thinking about you, he thought. There was no way he'd tell him that.
"I'm lying. The heat is getting to me."
"Really? Shit, I'm sorry if you get sunburnt. I forgot about how pale you are. Not that it's a bad thing. It's actually nice. Let's see. Which way did we come in?"
Lukas didn't try to answer. He knew the park less than Mathias did.
"Right. Over here," he said, taking Lukas' hand and pulling him in the other direction.
He's holding my hand, Lukas thought. Mathias' palm was warm. It was a little sweaty, but it wasn't unpleasant. It felt nice holding someone's hand. Surprisingly nice.
"Oh, sorry," Mathias said with a laugh as he pulled his hand away. Lukas curled his hand into a fist, feeling the air much cooler on his palm without the presence of the others hand.
"It's fine."
They got to the car. Mathias turned on the air conditioning as soon as he got in. Lukas shut his eyes, leaning back in his seat with a hand over his eyes. They burned. He wasn't sure if it was possible to get a sunburn on your eyes, but if it was, he definitely did.
"Can I drive or do you want to just sit for a while?"
"We can sit for a while."
The two ended up talking in the car for an hour. They talked about school over the years, things they missed about their homes, funny stories they'd been dying to tell for years, weird coincidences, and Mathias told stupid jokes that made Lukas ashamed to actually laugh at them.
Lukas was completely relaxed by the time Mathias decided it would be best to drive back to campus. "I need to get some practice in for orchestra," he said. Lukas nodded understandingly when they rolled up to his building. He turned to Mathias, unbuckling with a tiny smirk. "Bye. This was nice," he said. He began walking towards the door, but he heard the horn behind him and flinched.
"What do you want?" He asked, trying not to smile when he heard Mathias laughing at him.
"Hey, I just wanted to tell you—" He paused, looking right at Lukas' eyes. "Wanted to tell you that it was good."
Lukas ran a hand though his hair, his smile fading. "What was good?"
"The kiss. I would've never made fun of you for a kiss like that."
As if Lukas' cheeks weren't red enough already from the sun, his entire face lit up like a stop light and he marched into the building, trying to keep his growing smile hidden as he heard Mathias laughing behind him.
Mathias set his bag on the ground and sat on the bed, exhausted from class. He considered a nap, but he had too much homework to do first. The minute he reached for his bag again, his phone vibrated and he answered with, "Hello?"
"Hello, sweetie. Sorry I haven't called. Work has been so busy!"
"Mom, I have to tell you s—"
"Oh, hold on. Bodil wants to talk to you."
Mathias rubbed his eyes and waited patiently until he heard the familiar, high-pitched voice.
"Hi, Mathias! Did you get the bracelet?"
He had. It was sitting on his desk, tag still on. It had a dangling, silver-coloured violin and blue glass beads. Since he'd gotten it, he hadn't touched it but to take it out of the envelope.
"Yeah! I got it, Bodey Bo."
"Are you wearing it?"
"…of course, Bodey! Of course…" He looked over at it again and rubbed the back of his neck. Luckily, she didn't catch on and continued talking about her day.
"…and then I went really high and jumped out and I scraped my knee really bad and…"
Mathias took out a folder, removing a list of papers due and starting up his laptop so he could at least get half of the paper written before he slept. Bodil continued talking. Occasionally he would say "Oh, yeah?" And "Wow" and things like that. She always sounded overjoyed. She could probably talk for hours and never get sick of it.
"Hey, listen, Bodey. I love you and I miss you so, so, so, so, SO much, but I need to talk to mom. Could you give the phone to her?"
"I love you, too! Um, mom?"
Mathias typed out a sloppy thesis and put his phone on speaker. "Mom?"
"I'm here, I'm here. Is there something in particular you wanted to talk about?"
"Yeah. You remember Lukas?"
"…Lukas from when you were, what, eleven? That boy you liked?"
"Yeah. Him."
"Did you find him on the facebook or something?"
Mathias stared at the phone, then continued typing as he spoke. "No, mom. Not exactly. And stop calling it "the facebook". It's just facebook."
"What about Lukas?"
"Well, he goes here."
"He goes to Wake Forest?"
As he spoke, he poured himself some liquor from under his bed and sipped it silently. "Yeah, he does. He transferred over here."
There was a long pause before she said, "Don't you think that's a little weird?"
"What? No. We didn't know about each other. There is no way he knew I was here. I don't have my school listed on facebook and I don't get on there to post anything and I don't post it really anywhere else. Pictures, I guess, on Instagram and occasionally twitter. Besides, he didn't seek me out. Honestly, I care about being his friend more than he cares about being mine."
"I guess it's just a weird coincidence, then. How's Natalya?"
"I broke up with her again. I'm not getting back with her," he replied, taking a long drink from his glass and setting it down. "Let's change the subject."
"So you're trying to be friends with Lukas?"
"Definitely. He's such a nice guy, mom. He looks similar, but he's a man and not a child. He turned out well. Attractive, I mean."
"…attractive? Mathias…"
"What?" He put the bottle back under his bed, then sat at his desk again. "I'm just saying he's not bad looking."
"Are you really trying to pick up where you left off?"
He took a deep breath, shook his head, and took the phone off speaker. "I don't know yet. He said he was asexual. I don't know if I believe that, though. You should have seen the way he looked at me."
"How has he been?"
"Honestly? I don't think he's been good. I'm pretty sure he has anxiety of some sort. He's shy. Kind of quiet. A lot like how he was, but maybe… worse? I hate saying that. He doesn't have that confidence that kids just have naturally since he's grown. I think he needs to be more social and a lot of what's wrong would go away. I hope."
"I don't want to rule out medical science, sweetie, but I agree. Try to get him out there with friends and fun and whatever the Americans are doing for thrills. If he's still uncomfortable after that, then you should tell me and I'll ask Nick about it."
"Great. Nick."
"He knows what he's doing, Mathias!"
"Yeah, yeah. I know. I'll keep you updated on him."
"Sweetie?"
He fiddled with a pencil, pushing the sharp tip against his finger with a small frown. "What?"
"What you decide to do. With Lukas, I mean. I support you."
"…that means a lot. Thanks. I'll keep it in mind."
"Good. I should let you go. You need to call your father. I know you haven't since school started. I love you, sweetie. Goodnight."
"'Night, mom."
He put the phone down on the desk, reclining in the chair and reluctantly shutting his laptop. He would just have to work on it later. There were too many things to think about now. His father being one of them. He hadn't wanted to call him, but his mother insisted that he keep in touch.
Mathias called him, but he was hoping that he was at work and wouldn't answer.
Today wasn't his lucky day.
"Yeah?"
Mathias cleared his throat. He wanted nothing more than to chuck his phone out the window now. "Hey, dad. Sorry I haven't called."
"Huh. How's football?"
"Good! We're doing well. We've only lost one match. Tied another."
"How are you doing?"
"I'm fine. Just trying to juggle school work with soccer and or—"
"With football."
Mathias' face fell and he actually smiled bitterly. He couldn't believe he fell for that.
"I'm doing well. I've got scouts coming out to see me already. Coach says I should try for the United States team."
"Try for Denmark."
Mathias gave a shrug. He didn't care about making it pro, although he could if he needed to. It would just be like a job. A job that paid a lot. With fans.
If he thought about it too much, it sounded too appealing. It made him want to give in to the sport entirely, but it wasn't quite what he wanted. He wasn't sure what he wanted. The good thing about soccer was that it was always there. If he ended up playing, then he did and there was no problem. Money is money. Well, millions are millions.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm not too picky, dad."
"You still doing the music?"
"Of course. Got a performance coming up soon."
"Hm. Wish I could see one of your matches."
Mathias knew he'd say that. He said it every time they talked as if it would comfort him somehow. "Yeah. I'm excited to play Notre Dame next month."
"Is it on television?"
"Yeah, it is. So is the match against North Carolina State. That's coming up."
"I'll catch it. I need to go. I'm working on a case."
Mathias almost sighed in relief, saying, "Right. Goodnight, dad."
"You, too."
Mathias put the phone down, glad he wasn't in the mood to really talk. Then again, he never was. He looked at his desk, organizing his work a little before his eyes spotted the bracelet his sister had gotten him. He picked it up, rolling the beads between his fingers. He felt guilty for lying to her about wearing it. He hesitantly slid it onto his wrist, examining it.
He took a picture of his wrist with a thumbs up, then sent it to his mom. At least then she could show Bodil and he wouldn't feel as bad about it.
Lukas wasn't sure what was going on. He hadn't felt this way in years and he was starting to scare himself. He kept thinking about the time he'd been spending with Mathias and he would try to push his stupid smile out of his head, but it stuck like glue.
He couldn't say he was disappointed, either. Every time he thought about him, his face lit up and he felt light, like he'd just heard the best news of his life. When he laid down to sleep, he couldn't help but to daydream, and it was usually about Mathias.
There was nothing too out of the ordinary in his daydreams. His favorite thing to do was to put in headphones, play his favorite songs, and imagine himself and Mathias dancing to them.
His imagination was harmless. There was nothing wrong with listening to Thompson Twins and envisioning himself in 80's movies where Mathias would kiss him in some rotting school auditorium that probably smelled like rubber wrestling mats.
He skipped to the next song, forgetting he had put it on his phone at all. All throughout high school, Lukas played his violin for the school musicals, and one year they had done one called No, No, Nanette, and he had added Tea for Two onto his playlist.
It was such a cheesy song. He could imagine Mathias in thick makeup prancing around a stage with his stupid grin and singing to him. It actually made him smile for what little time he kept the song on for.
When the next song came on, he closed his eyes, focusing on a new dream. The song was romantic, and all he could imagine was Mathias holding him. He'd give him a kiss. Just a gentle one. The next would be more passionate.
His eyebrows twitched as the daydream progressed. When it got heated, his eyes snapped open and he shifted uncomfortably. He would have taken a cold shower, but Matthew was in there because he could hear it running.
Hesitantly, he moved a hand down. His face was twisted into one that resembled shame.
There's no one here.
He shouldn't have been ashamed. Everyone else touched themselves, why was it a problem if he did it, too? It had just been so long. He couldn't remember the last time. He remembered the first time he did. He was ten. He'd done it a few times, actually, although he was extremely secretive about it.
He'd stopped around sixth grade. It lacked its original luster. But now, it was seeming like a pretty good idea, all things considered.
He looked over on his nightstand, looking for something to slick his hand with. When there was nothing, he got up and began digging around. It would have been easiest to get the lotion out of the bathroom, but Matthew was still in there.
With an exaggerated sigh, he double-checked the lock on the door and laid back down in bed, figuring it wouldn't matter if he just moved his hand right.
Lukas shut his eyes, spread his legs, and slid a hand down into his boxers. His lips pursed, still feeling that hint of shame at what he was doing, especially when he started moving his hand. After a few seconds, his face relaxed and he tried to imagine something else. Mathias touching him instead.
He'd definitely gotten a good look at his hand the other day at the park. He could practically see his fingers trailing down his stomach and up his thighs. He mimicked the actions he saw, wishing his hand felt more like Mathias' did. Warm and strong.
Yes, touch me.
"Lukas, I've always loved you. I've been hoping this entire time that I could see you again, just so I could touch you like this."
Lukas tried to steady his breathing as he imagined what Mathias would say to him. If he dreamed hard enough, he could see the light in those bright blue eyes as they bore into his own. It made the experience all the realer, and because he hadn't touched himself in so long, he soon released with a gasp, his head dropping with the arching of his back.
His breath slowed, and when it did, he opened his eyes again, looking around the dark room with a blank expression. Lukas looked at both of his hands.
What have I done?!
He hadn't felt so grimy in a while. At that moment, he told himself he wouldn't do it again. The next day, he did it again.
