Chapter 11: "Your Song" ~Elton John
I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world
Mathias practiced his cello every single day that week. He had a concert on Tuesday where he had to perform a solo. He was tired, but he had been selected specifically to perform and when he was playing, it was always a pleasure. It didn't feel anything like work. There was no exasperated sighs because he had to go to orchestra.
The only reason he was so tired was because Lukas hadn't said a word to him since the party. He almost wanted to go to his dorm, but he didn't want to seem as crazy as Natalya, so he suffered in silence.
He didn't have to think about that when he was playing, though. He was able to be enthralled by his music. When he was playing, he was untouchable. Any sickness he had went away, any pain, any thought that could possibly hurt him.
When it was his turn to perform, he played slowly, watching the music with disinterest. He'd practiced it enough to play through it with his eyes closed. He was trying to focus on what moved. What should drag and what she speed, what was allegro and what was andante, what needed to be pronounced and what needed to be muffled like a whisper. The waves should push and pull, almost physically.
The key to the movement was passion. He'd watched a cooking show once on TV when he'd first moved to America and tried to watch American television. The man hosting had been very happy to cook. There wasn't often when he frowned while he was in front of whatever he was preparing. At the end of the episode, he said, "With cooking and with anything you do in life, you must have passion. If you don't have passion, your food is going to be terrible."
To this day he took that to heart. He didn't care for cooking, of course, but he believed it to be true with his music. If he didn't have passion for what he was playing, the audience would know and they would hear it. That was his motivation. He wanted the audience to feel the passion put into his music and be moved by it.
As he was sliding his fingers down the instrument, pulling and pressing down onto the strings, he couldn't help but smile faintly. There was only a page left of music and he was doing well. By the time he hit the last note, he smiled and sighed happily, standing to give a little bow, then moving backstage to put his instrument away.
There was only one performance after his own, and by the time he had packed away his cello, the concert was over. He made his way towards the exit, accepting compliments and praises from those he passed with a cheerful grin that was more forced than anything and a "thank you". When he got to the back, he saw Lukas standing there.
Without hesitation, he set his case down and pulled him into a hug. Lukas accepted it, soon hugging back with a blank look. "You did well."
"Yeah! Thanks! I'm so glad you're here, Lukas. You have no idea," he said, releasing his hold on the other. Lukas smiled a little, then said, "I understand from the hug."
"Right, right. Damn, I'm tired," he muttered, grabbing his case again and walking out. He gestured Lukas to follow and was pleased when he did. "How have you been? What made you decide to come see me?"
"I know you felt bad about what you did."
"You have no idea, Lukas," he said, shaking his head. "I went to apologize to Natalya and everything. She said she won't try to press charges, but she is still really adamant on having me. I just… I get so mad sometimes."
"Mathias, it's okay."
Lukas reached out, carrying Mathias' music folder for him and actually dropping everything inside once he had it in his hold. In his defense, he hadn't realized it was upside-down. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he said quickly, starting to gather the papers and books all together. One of the books was older and written in a lot. There were marks everywhere.
He flipped over to the cover, reading the title slowly. "Sonata for Cello and Piano in A Minor. Edvard Grieg…" He trailed off, looking up at Mathias. "You still have this? I can't believe it."
"Yeah! I work on it on New Year's Eve every single year to check my progression. I give myself ten minutes. I mark in it throughout the year, though, as I learn."
Lukas put the book back into the folder, then walked alongside Mathias, reluctantly brushing his hand against the others. Mathias felt guilty, but he couldn't hold his hand. Someone could see and it would soil his reputation. He'd probably have to deal with the soccer team. Definitely everyone in the frat house. He could see them double-checking the locks on their doors and wearing their shirts all the time. He didn't need that now.
After a while, Lukas watched him out of the corner of his eye. He understood, but he was upset. They weren't children. Mathias knew better than to reject his hand. It was like rejecting him. It made him feel like he wasn't worthy or like he was some mistress, whatever the male version of that would be. "Mathias, are you ashamed?"
"What?" He laughed nervously. "Ashamed?"
"You don't treat me like you treat anyone else."
Mathias walked outside, avoiding Lukas' gaze. He figured that sooner or later, Lukas would catch on. "Well, you're not anyone else," he said quietly, taking his hand for a moment just to squeeze it and let go a moment later before anyone noticed. Lukas wished he would have held on longer. "Mathias, please don't treat me like this."
"Like what?"
"Like a terrible secret," he said under his breath. Mathias walked over to his car, unlocking it and putting his cello in the back.
"I didn't mean to treat you that way. You're not terrible at all, I just really can't deal with being judged by my friends."
Lukas crossed his arms and said, "They won't care. They'll still like you."
"I don't know. I don't have any proof that they would. Once the season is up and I'm less stressed, I'll find a way to make this better. I won't treat you like a secret. Do you need a ride back to your building?"
Lukas nodded, getting into the front seat. He stared forward, not looking over at Mathias despite hearing him get in. His eyes were focused ahead on a tree in the distance, waiting for him to start driving.
Without warning, Mathias reached over, grabbed Lukas' jaw, and kissed his cheek. Lukas immediately turned, staring at him. Before he could say a word, Mathias kissed him on the lips.
"I'm sorry, Lukas. Not for the kiss, but because you're right. A lot of the stuff I do is shitty and you still came to see me tonight and that means the world to me."
He finally started the car up and pulled out of the parking space. "I like you," Lukas said softly.
Mathias chuckled, glancing over at Lukas. "I hope so! That makes me feel pretty good."
"No, I mean I like you as you. You're not bad. You could improve, but so could everyone."
The other smiled at the weak compliment. He definitely wasn't wrong, if anything. It made him feel better for a moment. Same with the hand holding his. It was comforting to feel Lukas taking an interest in him, especially after such a short time.
They listened to the radio for the rest of the ride and were mostly quiet, save Mathias occasionally singing along. Before Lukas could step out of the car, Mathias kissed his hand, then his cheek, making a loud, over-dramatized kissing noise with each one.
"Your sarcasm is relentless," Lukas said with a smile as he shut the door. Mathias watched him walk in, admiring him before driving home for the night.
Flirting was the name of the game for Lukas and Mathias. Neither were doing anything serious for multiple reason. For Mathias, it was his fear of rejection if found out, his busy schedule, and his will to take it slow for once.
For Lukas, it was fear of being ultimately rejected. Of course he wanted to have the courage to lean in and give Mathias a fiery kiss, but it was like imagining himself on the moon. It wasn't impossible to visualize, but to actually do it was another thing. Luckily, Mathias was outgoing and obtained affection himself.
The two had been around each other more, although as the soccer season progressed, it was trickier. Sometimes they would only see each other for fifteen minutes.
Today, in particular, Lukas couldn't see Mathias at all. He'd liked to, though. Tomorrow was Mathias' birthday and he had a big match tomorrow that was going to be broadcast live. A few scouts were even coming to watch.
Lukas fed his rabbit, talking quietly. "You're getting old, Teeny Weeny," he muttered as he watched him eat. "You're an old man."
He turned around, laying on his bed. He took out his phone and called his mother, figuring he hadn't talked to her in a while.
"Hello?"
"Mama?"
"Do I sound like mama?"
Lukas smiled softly and sat up. "Hey, Emil. How's school? I haven't talked to you in so long."
"We text all the time."
"But you don't text back."
"That's because we aren't friends," he said with an evident huff. Lukas smirked, used to his behavior by now.
"Are you excited to see me for Christmas?"
"That's like, two months."
"Are you excited?"
"….Sure. Yes. Maybe I am."
"I'm excited, too. Is mama there?"
There was a pause, then a new, "Hello?"
"It's me. I'm sorry for not calling. I've been really busy."
"School work?"
"Well, midterms. But I've been out."
His mother was probably smiling now. She was always trying to convince him to go out, although he rarely did back home. "Good! Are you making plenty of friends?"
"Sort of. I've been hanging out with Mathias."
"Oh, you have? What do you do? You're not out doing anything bad, are you? I want you to be safe, Lukas."
Lukas gave a small laugh, then said, "I'm trying to avoid it all. Mathias is a lot different. He likes drinking and… things like that."
"…Is he safe? It's not excessive, is it?"
Lukas almost said no, but thinking about it, he did drink a lot. More than anyone he'd ever personally known, at least. He wasn't positive how often he drank, though, but if anyone knew about it, it was Alfred. Lukas would have to consider asking about it.
"I think he's fine," he said quietly. His mother was silent for a moment and he hoped she wasn't upset.
"So he's your best friend there?"
"Not exactly." He was going to tell his mother what was really happening between him and Mathias, but now he was getting nervous.
"What do you mean? Is everything okay, Lukas?"
"Actually," he said with a deep breath. "It's very okay. Mathias and I… we, um…"
"….tell me all the details! This makes me so happy. You know how much I want grandchildren, Lukas."
"Mama! Ugh," he rubbed his eyes, although he was trying not to smile. "I can't have kids with him, anyway."
"Adoption is a beautiful thing! I expect grandchildren. I don't care if they're black, white, red, green, or purple. You know how much I want one."
"Stop before you jinx me."
"So there is something going on? Are you in a steady relationship or are you both on edge?"
That was another thing Lukas had failed to think on. He just figured that it didn't matter. He was content as is. "More on edge. Talking."
"Send me a picture right now. You still haven't."
Lukas put it on speaker phone, found a picture off of Mathias' Instagram, and sent it to her.
"Alright, let's see." There was silence, then a gasp. "My goodness. He has really done well for himself! I want you to hold onto him. I'm saving this picture and showing your father. Should I tell him you have a boyfriend?"
"Mama, please. Please don't. I'm not sure yet what's going on exactly."
"Okay, okay. When you know, tell me! I'm so excited. This is just like a romance story."
"Oh my God," he mumbled. "Please. I have to go. I need to study for my test tomorrow. Mathias has a game tomorrow. He says it'll be on television. You and dad should look for it."
"I'll try to get him to sit through it," she said with a short laugh. "Bye, Lukas! Love you!"
"Bye. I love you, too."
The next night, Lukas attended Mathias' match. He had wanted to see him before, but he was busy. Mathias had said something about the opponent being really good and that they needed to prepare more than they had in the past. Either way, Lukas was more excited to watch the match than he usually was.
The stadium was surprisingly full and there were cameramen filming in the bleachers. Lukas watched Mathias run around on the field, make a couple goals, and celebrate by throwing his fist up in the air. The other teammates near him were clasping his shoulder while the opponents were clearly growing more and more frustrated.
By the end of the game, even Lukas was cheering. He clasped his hands together excitedly with it was over and he ran down the steps to wait for Mathias at the bottom. Alfred ran up beside him, taking a video on his phone and hollering. "Lukas, what do you have to say about the game?" He yelled, pointing the phone in his direction.
"Oh!" He exclaimed, covering his face with a hand. "Well, I just wanted to say… I'm proud of the team and I'm proud of Mathias. This is a good birthday present for the birthday boy," he finished with a growing smile. Alfred turned the camera towards himself and winked. "There you have it! Birthday boy wins his game against Notre Dame."
"What the fuck are you doing, Alfred?" Mathias said with a grin as he got up into the bleachers, looking over both of their shoulders at the video. "We're going out, right?"
"Hell yeah, man! You, me, Jett, and Lukas. We're going to the bar and we're getting you your first drink. Your very first drink ever! Damn, you must be excited after waiting all these years to never drink."
"I can legally drink in Denm—"
"Sh. No need to talk, bro. Let's get that drink."
Mathias went away for a few minutes to change, then came back in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. "Alright, let's just go. Where's Jett?"
"He's meeting us there," Alfred replied, grabbing Mathias' car keys from him and running to the car. Mathias and Lukas waited behind for a moment.
"I'm glad you came," Mathias said. "You see how good I did?"
Lukas smiled a little and shoved him playfully, then crossed his arms again. "I did. No need to be cocky. Even if it's your birthday." He leaned up and gave him a quick hug, whispering, "Happy birthday, Mathias," into his ear.
"No, happy birthday to you, Lukas," Mathias said with a chuckle as he began walking towards the car, making sure he was following.
"Dad jokes," he muttered, sliding the back of his hand over Mathias' and holding it for a split-second as to not be noticed. Mathias glanced over at him, grinning widely and laughing. There was nothing funny, but he was unbelievably happy. Normally he didn't celebrate his birthday at all besides the gifts his mother forced on him and a cake that was too rich.
"Lukas," he started, his smile unwavering, "Even if everything goes downhill from here, this is one of the best birthdays I've ever had."
