Chapter Eleven
"Ready?" Mikasa turned to Levi. Their shadows were still long in the morning sun. Dew clung to the grass. There was almost something hopeful about mornings. She used to love them as a child. "I'm not a teacher."
"Do I look like one either?" he retorted. "We have to. For Erwin. I think he'd appreciate the woman not dying." His friend didn't deserve one more body on his conscience.
"I don't want her to die anyhow," snapped Mikasa. Interesting that you should mention Erwin…
"What's that look, Ackerman?"
"Erwin seems close to her, that's all." Mikasa cleared her throat.
"I haven't noticed anything." Levi took a step closer to her. "Define 'close.'"
"Your reaction speaks volumes." She found his protectiveness adorable.
He served her a withering glare. "I'm still your captain."
"Okay."
"So answer the question." Levi tapped his foot on the damp earth.
"Um." Mikasa was not prepared for this. "Eren I spotted the Commander and Saskia talking quite late last night, that's all."
"And what, pray tell, were you and Jaeger doing up late last night?" Levi crossed his arms, perfectly aware of what she was hiding.
Her face turned crimson.
"I think it's time I have a chat with Jaeger," growled Levi.
"What, he hurts me, he's dead, titan or not?" Mikasa fluttered her eyes at Levi. "Please, be original."
"While you and everyone else in the 104th may be falling in love, Erwin is not. There's a war about!" Levi bristled. I would know.
"Hasn't stopped you and Hange."
"What?!" Levi turned a murderous gaze towards Flocke, who froze behind a large horse.
"Help me," he squeaked to Mikasa.
"Levi, we've noticed this for months." Mikasa's mouth may not have smiled, but her eyes did.
"Months? Impossible. You've only been here a few months."
"Precisely."
Levi felt relief wash over him as Saskia stepped into the courtyard, distinctly uncomfortable to have donned Survey Corp gear.
"Leonhart!"
"Yes?" Annie materialized from behind Saskia.
"What are you doing here?" Mikasa narrowed her eyes.
"She's my sister," Annie said flatly. Who knew how much longer they had together?
Two hours later, Annie nearly regretted her decision. Saskia was strong, but not quite strong enough to operate 3D gear as with passable finesse. She's going to die.
She wanted to vomit.
She deserved to die, not Saskia, Saskia who'd always been the good one, who'd sacrificed her own body for Annie's safety, who'd switched sides after no time at all, just for Annie. Three years of friendship, and Annie hadn't been able to switch sides like Saskia had.
I don't want to live longer than her.
"I wish I was a better teacher," Mikasa fumed as Levi took a turn instructing Saskia.
Annie raised her eyebrows, surprised Mikasa would even speak to her. "You're better than I would be."
"That doesn't count for much." Mikasa watched Saskia tangle herself up again. Gee, next to Eren, she was the worst Mikasa had seen. Then again, maybe everyone in the 104th had looked like that after only two hours. She didn't remember much except Eren.
"Here, I can help." Eren hurried forward.
"You can't."
Eren whirled around with a scowl. "Which one of you said that?"
"Could have been either," Mikasa said slyly. To Annie she added, "By the way, if you hurt Eren again on this mission, I will kill you."
"Likewise with Saskia."
"I can defend myself. I'm stronger, even as a titan," Eren complained. "Annie, why don't we practice sparring?"
Annie's eyes lit up. Sparring was when she came alive…sparring, the routine drilled and beaten into her. Pathetic.
If Armin really was alive, what would he say to her this time?
"You're just saying that because you want to punch her for betraying you," Mikasa said.
"No, I'm not!" Eren said. "I'm happy you're back, Annie, and helping us."
"I'm helping myself and my sister."
"And you're helping us, and I am happy you're here."
"You're still angry, too. That's okay."
"You're allowed one punch, that's it," Mikasa commanded.
"But you'd be better off not taking that punch," said Annie.
"Don't talk to Eren about morality."
Annie's face pinched. She fucking knew that. She did. She stormed off, leaving an uncharacteristically guilty Mikasa and Eren staring after her.
"Ymir, what's wrong?"
Ymir was slumped on their bed, staring at the carpet. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" Historia hurried over to her side and grabbed her hand. "Ymir."
Ymir flopped across the satin quilt. "I failed."
"When?!"
"I couldn't solve who tried to attack Bertl. And I completely forgot to learn about the missing nobles."
Historia lay down next to her hurting lover. "But you have! You found Hitch, and hell, maybe Zackly's even in charge of the nobles' disappearance, too."
Ymir snorted. "Nah, there's too many bad humans."
"There's good humans, too. Many of them." Historia ran her hand through Ymir's dark hair. "And you're one of them. I never asked you to help with the nobles. You just did. You're one of them."
"I thought you said I was rotten to the core," Ymir said with a sly grin. "At Utgard."
"I would have said anything to save you then!" Historia slapped Ymir playfully.
"Oh, really?" Ymir snickered and pulled the queen closer for a passionate kiss.
Historia leant back. "Ymir, don't try to distract me."
"Distract?"
"You're trying to keep me from seeing that you're mad at yourself." Historia leant closer. "Do you think I am blind?"
"Blind, no." Ymir closed her eyes. "I suppose I sometimes still expect Krista. I'm sorry!"
"Don't be sorry. I don't know where I end and she begins." Krista shook her head. No, Historia. "She's a part of me. I hate her."
"Then that's hating yourself." Ymir sat up and embraced Historia. "Don't, please. You are amazing and your heart is bigger than a titan's."
"Well, gee, thanks."
"You know what I meant!"
Historia rested her forehead against Ymir's. "I know I have nothing to forgive you for. And you've never disappointed me."
"I'm human; I will."
"I should have fallen for your titan form."
"What?" Ymir'ss mouth fell open. "Since when are you sassy?!"
"Since now. I don't know – it just felt like something I should say! Are you offended?"
"No, I'm amused. I think I like me a sassy Historia." Ymir pulled Historia on top of her.
"I kissed her," Erwin whispered to himself. He sat at his desk, guilt gnawing at him.
He couldn't have. He shouldn't have.
He was a dead man. With only one arm. There was no time for love.
His father's face flickered in front of him, the face of a man who would have loved her smarts. The man whose death she pitied and mourned, though she hadn't known him.
I'm still loving you, Dad, Erwin realized. A hard lump formed in his throat. After all this time he'd been a soldier, not once had his love for Dad hindered him. It had only motivated.
Maybe there wasn't enough love to go around. Maybe falling in love with Saskia would ruin her when he died. Or – considering the brief, painful glimpses he'd seen in the yard today – he'd be ruined if she died.
He'd gone through this before, with Marie. And he hadn't been ready then. He'd been ready to give up his heart for mankind, for his father, but not for one woman.
But now he was a dead man. What had he to lose?
She didn't dare go outside. She didn't deserve to see the stars.
She deserved death.
Or at least a slap, a "go back to your father," and then a kick, another kick.
Mom, why couldn't you have protected me?
Saskia hunched over on the floor of her room, remembering. But she never really had to recall; every memory haunted her mind every moment.
She couldn't blame Mom. Mom had been fed to Annie.
A firm, confident knock on her door sent Saskia sprawling across the room. No, she had to cool, to crystalize again, before anyone saw her.
"I said stop!"
Saskia lunged across the bed. "Not again! Zeke, wake up!"
"Commander," she said smoothly.
Erwin's eyes dripped with warm concern. "My first training went terribly, too. By the end of this week, you might even be better than me without my arm."
"Don't lie, please." Saskia touched his shoulder. "And don't insult yourself."
She stepped aside, allowing him inside.
"If nothing else," he said with a small smile, "you look good dressed like a member of the Survey Corps."
A rare blush spread across Saskia's face. "So you're the type of man who resorts to humor when he doesn't know what else to say."
"No, I simply try to find irony in the worst of situations. Levi's far better at it than me – you should hear his shit jokes." Erwin smiled gently. "I believe in you, Saskia. And I swear I will try to keep you alive."
"Death has never really bothered me, you know. History is death after death after death – over ideologies and race and famine and disease. Did you know, several thousand years ago, a third of humanity was lost simply to disease? They called it the 'Black Death.'"
"So this Black Death was like the Titans."
"Yes, but impersonal, invisible. No one could blame anything, except maybe their God." Saskia's face became earnest.
He loved the emotion on her face, those rare flashes of a person and a world beyond her exterior. In those moments, Saskia, to him, was the outside world, and everything beautiful about it.
"Do you think we're better or worse for having wretched creatures on which to place our blame?"
Erwin's face was the definition of wistful. "I don't know."
"Me either. First King, Titans, people in the walls, Grisha Jaeger – they're all humans we're blaming."
"But we don't deserve this," Erwin said.
"Are you sure?" Saskia wanted to know, wanted proof.
Her husband gasped awake, sweat running down his face. "Oh!"
"You're here. Not there." Saskia didn't know what else to say. She wiped his forehead with her hair.
"Saskia," he groaned, drawing her closer in an embrace. With his head buried in her chest, he felt safe.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, hoping he wouldn't be angry she was asking again. But this had happened three times in the last week.
"Tell me what happened."
"None of us are good people. No innocents exist in the Survey Corps. We're ignorant and ruthless," Erwin admitted. "But how can a lack of good inherently deserve death?"
"You don't," she told him.
"I don't know. I just know that humanity – like my father – did not deserve to die."
"I lost my father. I saw him once, just once, and he pushed me away as I was screaming. I lost him!" Zeke pounded his legs, and Saskia had to grab his hands to keep him from hurting himself.
"And then Mother – would take stones – and tell me I reminded her of Grisha, fuck Grisha." Zeke choked on a sob.
"The only thing I could ever count on – my only gift – was my brain. I was smarter than everyone. Anyone could be persuaded to do what I said, but she couldn't be persuaded to put down her stones." Zeke's face crumpled. "Why did Father leave?"
"Some questions, I've learned, can't have adequate answers." So she held him and cried for his childhood.
"No child deserves to be separated from their father. I'm sorry you were," Saskia said.
The pity again. Saskia … "And I'm sorry you were abused by yours."
Saskia bristled. "It wasn't abuse."
"Then why be in such agony, if death doesn't scare you?" Erwin placed a hand on her shoulder. "The strongest soldiers show pain."
He turned to leave. Best not to bother her.
"Wait," said Saskia. "Then, you are the strongest, besides Eren Jaeger."
Erwin chuckled. "You can be funny."
"I'm always learning. I vow not to die, too, or to let you die," she informed him in a blaze of determination.
Erwin stepped closer. "You are …"
"Your friend and ally," she finished, sealing the deal with a kiss.
Barely taller than Annie, Saskia had to stand on her tiptoes. Erwin bent down and lifted her up with one arm so they were on equal levels.
Saskia had never in her life known someone to show compassion for her abuse. Zeke had show fury and protection, but never warmth. Not like this. This man, Erwin Smith, was fascinating. She admired every facet of him.
Saskia drew back, aware that she possessed a far fuller figure than Annie. "Am I too heavy?"
Erwin laughed softly. "No. You are perfect."
"I'm a sinner and a murderer."
"So am I." Erwin kissed her again. Maybe, sinners could discover perfection even when they didn't deserve it.
"Am I too harsh on people?" Eren asked.
"Didn't you kill three men at the age of nine?" Jean replied, shocked that Eren would be asking him such a question.
"No – how did you find that out?!" Eren's eyes blazed.
Jean held up his hands. "The rumor mill was churning after your trial."
Eren lowered his eyes for the first time in his life. "Figures."
"Why?"
"They killed Mikasa's parents and were kidnapping her! I stopped them," Eren insisted.
"If you're so certain of your righteousness, why are you asking me this?"
"Be – because you're harsh on me. And honest."
"You want to hurt yourself, is that it?" Jean was sickened. He didn't want to help Eren lacerate himself.
"No! I just – look, Annie found out I'm still angry at her."
"We all are?"
"She seemed really hurt that I still want to punch her sometimes," Eren confessed.
Hey, he does have a conscience. Jean had never seen Eren self-reflective before. Miracles did happen. Thanks, Marco.
"I don't know," Jean said. "I think we all do. When I found out about – about Marco – I think I knew the kind of rage you felt. I wanted to skin Reiner alive, human form, and feed Bertolt to a titan, and tear off Annie's limbs."
Eren blinked. "You did?"
"Don't you tell a soul!" Jean jabbed a finger in his face. He stepped away, towards the window where Levi and Mikasa were still attempting to instruct that poor, doomed woman. "But I … I don't think that's what Marco would have wanted."
"So what do you do when you can't take revenge?" Eren cried.
Jean glanced back at him. "I don't know."
Eren trembled, his fists clenched. "I … don't … know, either."
"Don't know what?" Connie sauntered into the room, followed by Sasha. Since his concussion, the two were virtually inseparable.
"Anything?" Jean quipped.
"Jean!"
"I've never heard you say that before, Eren," Sasha said innocently.
"Uh – forget it." Eren hurried to peer out the window with Jean as Saskia's pale head slammed into the ground. "Ouch."
"Bring back memories?" Jean smirked at Eren's glower.
"She's going to die, and no one has any better ideas!" Eren began pacing back and forth.
"Maybe you should teach her?" Connie suggested. "You sure had enough problems trying 3D maneuver gear."
"That's because mine was broken, and I happen to have stood up for five seconds on broken gear." Eren pointed at Connie.
"We know," Sasha said, unable to hide her amusement. "You've always used that lone example when you couldn't beat Connie in training."
Connie slapped a high five to Sasha.
"I'm glad you can be merry when people are about to die," Eren sniped.
"That's not it at all!" Sasha clapped a hand over her mouth. She'd never had a choice – otherwise, she'd dissolve into panic and die.
"My mother is a titan," Connie shot back. "And you don't insult Sasha."
"That's it!" Eren stared wildly at the two of them. In the background, Jean raised an eyebrow.
"Well, can you?" Eren grabbed Bertolt's hands.
He didn't deserve to be touched. He'd torn so much from Eren, from Jean, from everyone.
He didn't need to tear Saskia from Zeke.
He wanted to haggle, to ask not for forgiveness, but at least the belief that he had truly cared about his friends.
But he hadn't cared enough. Marco proved it. So he could never ask for such cleansing.
"I'll do it," he whispered, hating himself. Nice, pliable Bertolt never changed, even as his heart rotted away.
"What," Levi said when they escorted him above ground and into the sunlight, "the hell. Is he. Doing here."
Mikasa stepped forward, blade ready.
"It was my idea," Eren said.
"Who else would be so pigheaded?" Levi cringed at Mikasa's glare. No, wait, she's dating that kid. He glared right back. Don't make me spill your secret, Ackerman.
"Back when I started training, I couldn't even stand up in 3DMG," Eren began in a rush. Mikasa's eyes lit up. "Eventually, Shadis saw it was a malfunction in the gear. But we didn't know that, and I was nearly sent away."
"When I had a second test, I stayed up all night practicing, and eventually stood up for a few seconds, even on broken maneuver gear. All because Reiner and Bertolt stayed up all night teaching me." Eren turned to Bertolt, his voice faltering. "That's when … we first met … "
Bertolt lowered his eyes. They'd been ready to ignore Eren's pleas, to keep him at a distance, but then he'd heard Eren's story. He'd killed Carla Jaeger.
And then Reiner saw his shame, and decided they were helping Eren at all costs. To keep Bertolt's guilt from eating him alive.
Reiner, you were looking out for me as well as Eren, weren't you?
"Is that true?" Annie glared at Bertolt.
"Yes."
"Then teach."
Levi opened his mouth, but a nudge from Mikasa silenced him.
Bertolt stepped forward, still shackled, still at the end of Jean's blade.
He couldn't do this. He wasn't worthy.
"Bertl." Saskia leant forward in the gear, wobbling all the while. "I trust you."
Why? He wanted to scream as all his words dried up. The 104th and Levi were all watching him. No, he would end this the same as always – closing down, freezing into a dried soul, unable to exist enough to affect anything. Reiner –
Reiner wasn't here. Reiner couldn't help him.
His mouth opened, and words soared out.
"Good idea, Jaeger," Levi said, watching a few hours later as Saskia performed a shaky flip. Hey, she hadn't fallen.
"Really?"
"Of course. You helped an ally. That's what good soldiers do."
"By allying with an enemy."
"Is he though?" Mikasa noticed Bertolt's face light up every time Saskia didn't fall. "Is he a friend, and an enemy?"
"Maybe," Levi said slowly, "with enough effort, the enemy can consolidate into a friend."
"You think so?" This was against everything Eren had ever believed. Once evil, always deserving of punishment.
But his memories of training, of stargazing with Reiner and Bertolt and Armin warmed his heart, and so Eren found he didn't know anymore.
Five Days Later
"I remember I didn't sleep the night before my first mission," Erwin said. "I was too excited and terrified."
"Annie didn't sleep before she went to destroy the walls," Saskia recalled. She hugged her knees to her chest, looking at the stars for what might be one final time. "Maybe that's just how first times are."
"You should sleep," Erwin said seriously.
"Make me."
Erwin's eyebrows raised, like an adorably bushy caterpillar. "I didn't expect such sarcasm."
"Sometimes I think I am very sarcastic. Internally. I don't know that, of course, because I don't know who I am much." Saskia laughed hollowly. "I'm a 24-year-old who never let herself do anything unrequired until the last month."
"You're scared." Erwin covered her hand with his.
She loved the scratchy, weary whisper of his callouses. "Yes. Does that upset you?"
"No. I'm glad you value yourself."
Saskia's heart warmed at the kindness in his eyes. "You're a wonderful commander, then."
Zeke, her father, the warriors – do not value yourself. The mission alone matters.
And she hadn't. She'd valued Annie, and then Erwin among the dying bodies, and now, herself.
She drew in a shuddery breath. "It's strange, how much you can change in a month."
Erwin shook his head. "A month ago, I was bleeding out from a suicidal charge and we hadn't seen the basement. Two months ago, a puppet king sat in for a ruler too cowardly to rule and I was condemned to die for treason. Four months ago, we didn't even know of Eren's gift."
"It's frightening. But I think I like this new, frightening world." Saskia turned to Erwin and traced his eyebrows with her fingers. She didn't know if she belonged here, if this world would let her stay. But something about Erwin gave her hope.
"I was always self-conscious of those," Erwin said, amused. "Other children nicknamed me 'Eyebrows.'"
Saskia laughed true, pealing laughter. "Shame on them. They ought to have been jealous."
"I don't know about that," he said with a snicker as his arm drew her closer. "But, I do think I like this new, frightening world."
His lips closed around hers, and as their tongues embraced each other again, Saskia thought that maybe she knew why so many poems and books had been written about love. If love could be felt after a week – and she couldn't quite let herself trust that – then she had been resurrected by it.
"Please be safe," Mikasa begged.
"I will," he said uncomfortably. "Don't worry about me."
There were too many people around.
"But, really. I – I can't bear it if you die." Mikasa's hands were trembling.
"Mikasa." Eren hadn't ever seen her so flustered. "I can survive without you."
"My hope is in Levi," she said morosely, as if she hadn't heard him.
"Mikasa, snap out of it." And then Eren saw the truth: she couldn't survive without him.
Instead of shaking her, Eren wrapped his arms around her shoulders. "Remember, our reunion will just be better for time apart."
"I hope so," Mikasa sighed. I'm brave. Crying isn't weak. Wanting Eren alive isn't weak. But she felt ashamed for showing emotions.
"And then I'll tease emotional Mikasa," Eren said with a grin.
"I've always been emotional – just, not in appearance…"
"I know, but right now, you're making me feel so much better about myself." Eren shrugged. "Because if you tell me to calm down again, now I have something on you."
"One example," Mikasa snapped, playfully shoving him. "Versus an uncountable number?"
"Probably, but it's always justified –"
"Eren!"
"Okay, okay. Just – take care of Armin, please?"
"Armin is my best friend, too," Mikasa said seriously. "I'll get him back safe."
"And I'll stay safe." Eren noticed Levi's eyes on him, but he didn't care. He pressed his lips against hers.
"I love you," Mikasa whispered, stepping back, towards Erwin and her crew. Her face burned.
"I've always loved you," Eren told her. Levi's stare intensified. "But I haven't always appreciated you. I appreciate you now."
In the background, the captain gave him an approving nod.
"Are you policing us again?" Mikasa whirled around.
Hange skipped up to Levi's side. "This is marvelous."
"It's weird is what it is." Jean pouted next to Annie.
"Jean, stop focusing on Mikasa. We all know Marco loved you and you loved him," Annie said as if she were bored.
"I did not!" He glared at her.
"Oh please."
"And – he didn't!" Jean gasped. "Did he?"
"Apparently he confided in Reiner. And Reiner told all of us … after. I think to punish himself." Annie shrugged.
"Annie," Saskia said with undeserved sympathy.
Family would be the death of her.
"Promise me you will come back, Annie." Dad had nearly smothered her with his embrace, drowned her in his tears.
"Make sure you come back, Saskia."
