She tried to sneak back in silently; she didn't want people to ask questions, she didn't want to have to lie to them. She didn't want to lie anymore. If anyone asked her she knew the truth was going to come out, she was in love and she had already lost so much she didn't care about losing the rest.
"Patsy" A small voice echoed from the kitchen. Patsy rolled her eyes at the caring nature of Sister Mary Cynthia. She ambled into the kitchen half hoping she didn't look as wet as she felt.
"Oh, Patsy," Trixie said, trying to hold her laughter of her sopping wet friend that stood before her and Sister Mary Cynthia.
"Where on earth did you go? You have been gone well over an hour." Sister Mary Cynthia asked. Trixie knew where she had gone, she knew, why the faded nature of her lipstick and that forbidden smile that Patsy couldn't get off her lips.
Delia had always been the brave one, the outgoing one. She had always been proud of Patsy. She was so much more open and lived in so much less fear than Patsy had. But tonight Patsy felt fearless:
"Well if you must know, I cycled to the London to see Delia. I threw rocks at the window until she came down and they we kissed in the rain" She spoke fast but not out of panic, she really didn't care anymore. Patsy smiled, Trixie was still trying to contain her laughter avoided looking at Sister Mary Cynthia's shocked face.
"Now while I am grateful that you were concerned enough to stay up- I am really rather cold, and very wet so I am going to go and change." With that Patsy made her way upstairs, trying to hold in her smile and keep her face serious and truthful. Sister Mary Cynthia opened her mouth several times but no words came out, she didn't know what to say. She couldn't word her feels her mind was caught been her friend and her didn't dare open her mouth but was still smiling at the stupid courage Patsy had found.
"Sister, if you have something to say, say it!" Trixie said taking the last drag from her cigarettes.
"It's wrong. The bible says so" She stuttered a little before misquoting bible verse " A man must not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman."
"There's no men here sister. Find your sodding bible verse for that" Trixie snapped. Shocked at how strong Sister Mary Cynthia's faith was when Patsy had just confided in her. Sister Mary Cynthia was confused, she loved God and his words were the ones he lived by but this wasn't just a random stranger this was her friends. Trixie left the sister in the kitchen. She couldn't change the nun's mind on right and wrong and she wasn't going to waste her breath trying. She wanted to congratulate Patsy on her most surprising answer to a question that was easily explainable – she knew that Patsy had most likely just made the biggest mistake my telling sister Mary Cynthia but she was too proud of her friend and her actions to care.
"Patsy Mount – I didn't think you had it in you" Trixie aid entering the room she shared with Patsy.
"Neither did I" Patsy replied, giving a nervous smile. Her voice was as happy with Trixie's and spoke with more concern. She didn't turn to look at Trixie for a fear she would break down in tears. Instead she just stood and stared at her wet hair in the mirror.
"Delia's going to kill me," Patsy said, turning to face Trixie. Trixie was still smiling but could see Patsy's concern. She wanted to relate to Patsy and she was trying. But she couldn't. She had no idea what Patsy was going through; she knew the risks everyone did. Being a dyke if you were a man was life threating and while Patsy and Delia's relationship wasn't a criminal offence it still wasn't acceptable. They were risking everything for love and that's why Trixie cared too much.
"I'm sure she won't kill you!" Trixie said. They both let out another nervous laugh.
"For future reference," Trixie continues "If you're going to meet her for a quick kissing session at least try and colour code your lipsticks.". That was the reason Patsy loved Trixie. She knew the seriousness of the situation yet she was making Patsy feel safe like she had done nothing wrong.
Patsy smiled again. Patsy had spent the last number of days living in fear and she was sick of it. She knew that losing her job was inevitable so she may as well enjoy the last moments she has left. They both went to bed, nothing more was said about the events of the night and it was probably for the best, Patsy was full of fear and Trixie was just as scared she didn't want to lose Patsy. But she didn't know what she could do? She was helpless and trying to help would only prove Patsy's guilt. She didn't want to tell everyone that the rumours were true but nothing was going to get better if everyone just denied the existence of loving people of the same gender.
They both lay in their beds, neither sleeping, neither smoking, neither moving. Neither had anything to say- that's a lie, they both had lots to say but didn't want to dwell on the events that were messing up Patsy's life and messing up Patsy's heart.
The clock struck 5 am, and Delia's face fell faster than vomit. 11 hours of smiling and she wanted to kill something. She missed Patsy and the night on the ward had only got slower after their little meeting. She just wanted to go home, as soon as the clock struck 5 she walked out of the big doors of the London and started the walk home. She never got back on a back. She didn't want too and the fear that would cross Patsy's face when Delia got anywhere near a bike was enough to put Delia off. She knew how much her accident and she didn't want to put Patsy through that again. She didn't want to put herself through that again. She was tired but excited for the cinema with Patsy. She had to pretend that nothing was happening though – she knew people would quickly work out that Patsy Mount the girl who has never had a day off sick in her life wasn't really sick. But, Delia didn't care providing they could get to the pictures before anyone clocked on, it wouldn't matter. Patsy hated working on the AandE ward so the fear of getting fired didn't seem to bother her like it would have if it were midwifery.
In the 7 hours Patsy had been in bed, she had woken up over 12 times. Not for that long each time, but enough to break up her sleep into chunks, sufficient time for her to think things she didn't want to think. With every disturbance there was a new nightmare. She lost Delia. She lost her job. The house was burning and she can't dowse it. The fear that kept her awake was the same fear that made her want to sleep and never wake up. The only thing that could save her from the demons of her tomorrow was sleep.
When Delia finally got home, the first signs of life were up at the house, with the Nuns starting to rise. She felt like she had been away a lifetime not a night. She avoided the kitchen in case she bumped into and instead headed straight for her room. She wanted to see Patsy but didn't just want to storm into her room; she didn't know what to do with herself. He felt lost, yet found. The feelings unsettled her. She was unaware of Patsy's remark to the sister yesterday, so as far as she was aware no one knew the events of the London in the rain.
Patsy knew that she had promised Delia a day off and she was going to stick to her word; she just wasn't sure how. She lay in bed pretending to be asleep while Trixie left the room to get started on her rounds. When she heard the hustle of everyone leaving, she headed downstairs still in her nightwear. She headed to the phone to call the London. Patsy didn't care if they didn't believe her. She knew that she wouldn't be putting uniform on and going into work today.
She dialled the number, trying not to shake. Patsy had never been one to break the rules. Not like this anyway but she knew what she had to do.
"Hello is Patsy Mount – I am just calling in as I am under the weather today so won't be in today" She didn't sound ill but she didn't care. She knew she was meant to have a doctor's note but there was nothing anyone could do.
"Well thank you for letting us know Miss Mount," The women on the other end of the phone said. As Patsy walked back up the stairs, to make use of the empty bathroom, she saw Sister Mary Cynthia leaving Sister Juliennes office. Patsy's heart started beating faster and faster. She walked faster. She through they were all meant to be out? What had she done? Trying to shake it off. She carried on with her plans for the morning. Sister Julienne would just assume it was Delia in the Bathroom as Patsy was at work. That's what Patsy was hoping, and she needed that hope to get her through. Patsy would never admit her fear. She was in a situation that others would find terrifying yet she was carrying herself as if nothing was wrong. Not a man in a thousand could spot her never ending tension.
There was a big hard knock at the door - echoing through the walls of the house. Hearing no noise from Patsy's room Delia went to open the door. Delia was putting in her earrings and was really hoping there wasn't a concerned father at the door. She ran down the stairs as she did so. There stood her beautiful girlfriend.
"Patsy," Delia said smiling.
"I got us two tickets to see to kill a mockingbird – starting in an hour" Patsy was smiling, with the tickets in her hand. She had heard the nuns discussing the book a few months back and was looking for a reason to see the film. This was the perfect reason. She wasn't sure whether it was her and Delia's usual type of film but it was the only thing playing, and she wasn't going to waste her 'sick day' doing nothing. Plus she had promised Delia a movie.
Delia shut the door behind her, no turning back. She didn't want to know if anyone was around to see her and Patsy walking down the road arm in arm.
Delia feared lots of things, she feared about being misunderstood, but she feared losing Patsy the most. Since meeting Patsy her world had become clearer yet more confusing. She didn't realise how messed up the world was and she didn't know what she was meant to do about it. Since meeting Patsy she knew what real love was. She finally knew what her parents meant when they told her about love yet she felt powerless, she knew the world wasn't changing anytime soon, but she had to believe it would because she had to convince Patsy that it was going to change because without hope they were nothing. She never told a soul about her feelings; she didn't have to. You could tell her face that the rumours were true but she didn't deny them, she called them crazy but to anyone other than the nuns she didn't tell anyone they weren't true. That way she didn't have to lie anymore.
