Chapter Eighteen

"Oh my holy walls. My fucking holy fucking walls and fuck my life."

Eren Jaeger was curled up in a ball that occasionally rocked back and forth. He's been a ball since Levi and Mikasa wrangled him from the Military Headquarters to his bedroom in Historia's palace.

"You know, he lasted until the meeting adjourned. All options considered, he's taking this relatively well," Jean remarked.

Mikasa glared at him.

"It's true!"

"But unhelpful." She bent over him. "Eren, please talk to me."

"You! You lied to me!" Eren howled. He lunged for her, and Mikasa just stood there as Eren pounded her chest. "Why did you lie? Why are you like him?!"

"Mikasa is not like your father. She was waiting until the right time to tell you," Armin tried.

"Which is what he did!" Eren shrieked, falling backward into the wall.

Levi crossed his arms and tapped his foot against the floorboards. His toes sort of itched to collide with Jaeger's mouth, but heaven knew a fight was the last thing Jaeger needed.
Hange poked her head in. "Maybe tea would help?"

"He'll ruin it," Levi replied darkly. "And burn himself."

"He'll heal," she pointed out.

"He'll still waste the tea."

"Oh, I know what you really care about," she joked, closing the door again.

Annie sighed. "Eren, listen to me."

"You're a traitor!" he wailed.

"Yes, and a traitor who owes you a debt. You calmed me down earlier today, so I'm trying to repay." Reiner was still being hidden from Eren at the moment, but for some reason Armin had thought she could help. And Hitch, Connie, and Sasha were participating in their own little mediation between Ymir and Historia.

"Eren." Annie took his face in her hands. "Zeke Jaeger is apparently a twisted rat bastard who used all of us. I understand your shock, but we need you calm or he wins."

"I don't care about winning! No one was ever right! Didn't you hear what Ymir said? Genocide after genocide after prejudice! There's nothing worth fighting for!" Eren screamed before sinking to the ground in barely muffled sobs. "Not anymore."

He's calmer, Armin realized. "So that's it. You think there's nothing worth fighting for."

"Everyone is wrong," Eren sobbed. "And everyone is bad."

"Maybe, but then everyone is normal," Annie said.

"Exactly," said Armin.

"I killed people because I thought they were bad! When I was nine!" Eren pounded the floor.

"But." Annie knelt next to Eren. "But if everyone is normal, that means everyone is still capable of choosing good or bad, at any time." She glanced up at Armin.

"Mostly," he agreed.

Mikasa joined Annie. "Which means you, Eren, are capable of choosing good. We are here. We will help you. Even Shortie will."

"I may be your relative, but I'm still your captain."

"Fight me." Mikasa winked before turning back to Eren. "I promise. We're on your side, Eren."

She grabbed Eren's hand with one hand and Armin's with her other. Armin gripped Annie, who gripped Jean…who awkwardly grabbed Levi's.

Levi may not ever admit it, but he rather liked being included.

"We're all going to help and support you going forward. We promise," Mikasa said.

Eren sniffled.

"Please at least drink some water?"

He let out a broken laugh. "You never change."


Reiner really had to wonder why he'd joined Sasha and Connie's attempt to placate Historia. The adorable goddess had transformed into a furious storm, and that frightened him.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" seethed Historia.

Ymir nodded, but she was crying too hard to speak.

"Why didn't you trust me? Why did you lie? I told you I loved you." Historia clenched her hands into fists and stomped her foot. "Do you know what it's like to find out you were keeping this from me, every time we talked or cuddled or plotted or made love?"

Reiner's eyes popped open, but Historia's withering glance shut him up.

"Um, Historia," began Sasha timidly.

"What?"

Sasha fished for Connie's hand. "I'm s – sure she didn't mean to create the titans."

"Or at least the destruction that came with them," said Hitch from her position by Ymir's side, a position Historia envied more than a little.

"She's more innocent than I am," Reiner said.

"Of course she is!" Historia yelled. "I don't fault her for that. I'm not heartless."

"No, that's me," Ymir said dully.

Historia's eyes filled with tears. "Now I know why you kept insisting you were rotten when you never were. It's not fair – you're self-sacrificial enough to reveal yourself as a titan and risk your own life for mine and Reiner and Bertolt's, so why didn't you sacrifice a little more and trust me?!"

"Sacrifice is hard," Connie said. "And not just because I'm dumb." At Sasha's glower, he added, "Well, maybe I'm not."

Sasha nodded.

"You never were. You just have a heart bigger than your brain," Ymir said, wiping her eyes. "That's not always bad. Now, me – if the brainiacs' plan fails here, you'll all die and I'll have killed everyone I love."

"You love us?" Reiner blinked.

"You didn't figure that out when she saved you before? Ymir's good, Reiner." Historia's shoulders shook. "Ymir, you should have loved me enough to let me share the hurt with you."

"I – I don't love myself enough," muttered Ymir. "For everything I say about being proud of yourself, I still hate my past. I hate it."

"At least it gave us answers," Historia said with a sniffle. "So I don't hate it."

"Historia, I'm two thousand years older than you."

"Do you know what I would give for Marlowe to be alive? You love her. Please forgive the one you love," begged Hitch.

"Stop telling me to be good!" cried Historia. "I'm good already! She told me that!"

"I'm not telling you to be good; I'm telling you what to do because you're good," Hitch replied hotly.

"Please calm down," Connie said. "Everyone."

"Don't tell me what to do." Historia felt overcome and that terrified her.

"Can I ask for a hug?" choked Ymir.

Historia's shoulders slumped. "Of course."

And then Ymir was in her arms, and she felt safe and right.

Across the room, Sasha exchanged a knowing smile with Reiner.

The queen and the titan princess wrapped their arms tighter around each other. They were going to be okay.


"I don't regret killing the titans, even when we suspected. In our position, we didn't have a choice. I wish we had."

Saskia said nothing. She'd given up on sleep as dawn broke and hadn't seen him in his room or the hospital. She'd finally found him in the military headquarters, unshaven, staring at blank pages on his desk. Perhaps, like her, he needed someone's presence.

"I let him get away with everything," Erwin admitted as sunrays shone through the window behind him. "I looked away because he was on our side. I could have gotten us all killed. Your sister was our enemy, and she saved us."

"My sister's rather incredible," Saskia said wryly. Her hand stretched out to cover his as her eyes squinted to avoid the sun. "Now that our roles appear reversed, I'll tell you I forgive you."

"I have no right to ask forgiveness from your sister or anyone today. Or from the nobles whose lost part of their family." Erwin clenched his fist. Was he much different than the police who'd killed his father?

"It's difficult, not being able to change the past." Saskia sighed. "You need forgiveness. I need to feel. Annie needs love. Levi needs a battle. There's hope for the world, I believe that, but is there hope for us? Maybe that's what we need first."

Erwin smiled bitterly. "I've been fighting for hope for so long, I've forgotten how to recognize it."

Saskia surveyed him. "Then what was the dream to keep living to learn about the world? To prove your father correct, so his theories live on as the smallest form of justice you can give him? You're the most hopeful person I know. Not the happiest, but the most hopeful."

Erwin laughed incredulously. Nile had said that to him once before, the night before graduation. Mike had agreed.

How much had changed since then.

"We have at most three days to find out if that hope is worth it. Maybe less, if they can mobilize before us." Erwin ran a hand across his face.

Saskia rolled her eyes. "They won't. Zeke won't be happy about following any orders Darius tries to give, and it'll take him at least a day to find the village. If he even can, since we don't know how much he knows."

"Speaking of knowing…" Erwin leaned forward. "How are you doing, Saskia?"

"You mean…after finding out my memories are missing and my genocidal husband was hiding the truth of the world?"

Erwin raised an eyebrow.

"I haven't let myself feel. That's how I am." Saskia's shoulders slumped. "I'm back to the only thing I know."

Erwin regarded her seriously. "You're brave enough to feel. And I'll be here for you whenever you want to."

"And if you die in battle? Or I do?" Her voice rose.

"I think we both know we'll try our best to live. Because for once I know...not what I want to live for anymore, but who I want to live with." Erwin shook his head. "That's not an answer because I have none, to be honest. The old me would encourage you not to wait...but I want you to do what is best for you."

Saskia chuckled uncomfortably. "The old you would want a soldier to spill her feelings?"

"Contained spillage," Erwin said dryly.

She bit back a laugh. Just go for it. "Guilt. I feel guilty. The memories weren't my fault, so I don't feel guilty for that. I feel guilty because having an excuse like 'oh my memories were stolen' makes me more sympathetic, more victim-like. And I'm not."

Vitriol poured from her mouth. She shook with boulders of hatred.

Erwin sat still, listening.

Saskia gasped and clapped her hands against her face. "I always wanted to know what it was like to kill, do you know that? I was partially jealous of the shifters. I'm awful."

Erwin wrapped his arms around her as she sobbed, drawing her as close as he could.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I hate myself so much. I hate myself." She pounded her thighs.

"Saskia, it's okay."

"No, it really isn't."

"No," he agreed, "but you're okay."

"I should be charged with murder." Saskia wiped her eyes. "I did nothing to stop them, despite my knowledge of world history. I knew enough to know genocide was wrong, but I let it happen anyway because I didn't believe saving anyone beyond my sister was practical. Unlike you, who saw the impossible and made it possible. I'm as bad as Zackley. I'm telling you, charge me with murder. If I'm not and he is, it's because I'm on your side and he was on theirs. Where's the justice in that? It's wrong, I know it is."

"It might not be fair," Erwin conceded. "But you won't be arrested. Should I be arrested for sending scores of soldiers to die?"

"They knew what they were getting into."

"Did they? Did anyone, before they experienced it?" Erwin's gaze was hollow.

"I suppose not. But you're not at fault for that," Saskia whispered. "I am at fault."

"You were also brainwashed by a nervous, abusive father – who, changed, yes, but that doesn't erase the effect he had on you." Erwin pressed his cheek against hers. "Just like my father influenced me for good, yours influenced you for evil. But that does not make you evil."

Saskia sighed and buried her face against his chest. His rock solid, powerful chest housing the most beautiful of hearts. "I can't understand those who criticized you as cold. You've done more for humanity than anyone."

Erwin's calloused fingers tilted her sharp chin up to face his bright blue eyes, his strong jaw. "And I can't understand those who would call you a whore or a murderer. You have the bravest, most dedicated heart I know. To the people you love."


"Nervous?" Annie nodded at Armin.

While the Survey Corps, Military Police and Garrison volunteers refreshed hand-to-hand combat and refined their 3DMG techniques, five individuals stood far away, ready to practice shifting in and out of their titan forms.

"I haven't shifted since it was to save Mikasa's life. And I'm still not sure – I mean, what if I lose control? Like Eren did at first."

"You're smarter than me," Eren said. "You won't."

"Then Annie and Reiner will kick your ass," Ymir clarified.

"Contritely," Reiner said.

Armin giggled. "Oh, okay."

Annie smiled at him. "You can do this."

"You can, or we'll make you," Ymir said.

"I mean, if a two thousand year old woman can, I guess us youngsters can," Reiner said slyly.

"Don't make me eat you," Ymir sneered before jogging away into position.

Three hours later, Armin was practically asleep as he staggered out of his steaming titan. "And I thought I was weak as a human. I'm not even a good titan."

"You'll get stronger with practice tomorrow," Reiner assured him.

"Armin." Annie took his hand. "Are you just afraid to be strong?"

Armin stared at her. "What?"

"Of course he's not," Eren scoffed.

"His face says otherwise." Ymir crossed her arms.

Armin cast his eyes to the earth. "Well, I just feel like a titan is wasted on me."

"Too bad. The only way you lose that ability is if one of us eats you, and Annie's probably like to but not that way."

Annie narrowed her eyes.

"Annie's practically my sister. Don't talk about her like that," Reiner interjected.

"Wait, I don't understand…"

"Don't ask, Eren." Armin's face was as pink as a sunrise.

"I'm not your sister. Reiner, I didn't even like you until recently," Annie told him.

"I still don't like me," he admitted.

"I didn't like you because I didn't like myself, or anything that we'd done," Annie admitted.

Ymir plopped onto the grass. "I know how that goes."

"I imagine you do," Armin said sympathetically, settling next to her.

"I am glad Connie didn't let me abandon you in Trost." She half-smiled at him.

"So, if it makes you two feel any better, you can't have caused half as many deaths as I have." Ymir pointed at Reiner and Annie.

"Maybe one death is one too many," Armin said thoughtfully. "In a perfect world, that is."

"I wish we lived in a perfect world." Eren threw himself down. "I just – I don't even know what I'm fighting for anymore. My father abandoned his family and became a titan, and I don't know who is good or bad."

"Maybe that's why death is bad. Cuts short the lives of people we don't know well." Reiner sat down. "Come on, Annie."

Annie knelt next to Armin. "Well, we're about to kill more of our fellow Warriors."

"Not if Bertolt is still alive. And Peter. They could help rally the others." Reiner swallowed.

"You are so in love," Ymir said.

Reiner's cheeks turned red. "What?"

"Hey, you already confessed to me. You're gay, dude."

"I thought you like Historia," Annie said.

Reiner avoided Ymir's blazing eyes. "No, that was my…Warrior personality."

"The soldier is who you are, the warrior is who you had to be," Armin said.

"Something like that." Reiner wrapped his arms around himself. "If Bertl is dead, I might go crazy. You all might have to kill me."

"Try not to."

"It's not that simple. My mind – I can't control it." Reiner's eyes filled with tears.

He's scared of himself. Eren opened his mouth. "I mean, I've never dealt with my mind as an enemy, but for a while I was sure I was an enemy – my titan personality, that is. I didn't think I could control it. But good friends helped me. We'll help you, rather than kill you."

"I don't think I have a choice." Eren looked down. "And, Reiner and Annie…I kind of missed you both and Bertolt."


"Hey, Connie!" Hange whistled from across the yard.

Connie dropped his blade, and Sasha grabbed the distraction to send him flying onto his back. "Guess I win."

"Real fair," Connie said sarcastically.

"I just want you to never be surprised," Sasha protested, helping him to his feet.

"I know, you just want me alive for you." Connie flashed her a grin before hurrying over to Hange.

The scientist's face was abnormally serious. In her hands a fuschia liquid rested inside a crystal vial. "So this is the solution that worked on the rats I collected. Healed the ones I mortally wounded in under a minute."

"Rats? What about Reiner?" Sasha's mouth dropped.

"With the commander's plan, we're going to need the armored titan one more time," Hange said briskly. "So I moved to rats. I didn't like it. I screamed for them."

"That's…good," Connie said uncomfortably.

Hange cleared her throat. "Do you want to accompany me to the underground station?"

Connie's hands began to sweat. "You mean…my mom."

"I think this is our best chance. But you need to be willing to risk your mother." She wished she didn't have to ask this. How did Erwin bear it?

Sasha's hand slipped into his.

"…Yes. Yes, I suppose." Connie swallowed. "I'll never forgive myself, but I have to."

"That's the spirit," Hange said grimly.

"I'm coming," Sasha said, and Connie didn't bother protesting. He needed her there.

The setting sun cast the world in a quiet glow as they slipped underground, with a torch in Hange's trembling hands to light the way. This could be her greatest discovery, and the best part was, she actually cared more about healing people than she did her discoveries.

At the end of the hall was a pit – a pit! – and his mother was there. The titan leered at him and snapped its jaws. Its scrawny limbs struggled in vain against steel chains.

"She doesn't know me at all." Connie felt like vomiting. She had known her son right after her transformation.

Erwin was the only healed titan. What if the longer you were a titan, the less chance you had?

Hange shivered. "You should be safe to approach her."

My mom is hurt. How can this be safe? Connie hesitated.

Sasha stepped forward. "I'll come with you, Connie."

Her strength propelled him forward – if this worked he could show Sasha to his mother!

"Distract her while I go for the nape," Hange called.

Sasha nodded for Connie. "Hi, Mrs. Springer…"

"She'll know about Dad and all her friends," Connie said worriedly. "It's not fair."

"She'll have you," Sasha reminded him.

"I guess."

Hange activated her 3D maneuvering gear and soared forward.

"HI MRS. SPRINGER!" Sasha stepped even closer and yelled to keep the titan's attention, while Connie simply squeezed his eyes shut.

He heard Hange collide with his mother's neck, heard her whiz away to safety. "All set, you two."

"You can open your eyes," Sasha said gently.

Connie cracked an eye to see steam trickling from his mother's nape. "What if it doesn't work?"

But the trickle raced into a river, and Connie felt certain his lungs were burning. "Ack!"

They should step back to safety, but he wanted to stay by Mom, burn or no burn. And Sasha sure as hell wasn't leaving him.

With a rush of steam, the titan collapsed and a woman crashed out.

"Mom!" screamed Connie, racing forward.

Sasha exchanged a smile with a gleeful Hange. Time to mass-produce for the battle.

"What…"

"Mom." Connie wrapped his arms around the woman.

"Connie." The woman seemed frightened as she gripped her son back. "Where am I?"

"Underground." Hange hurried towards them.

"You were a titan," sobbed Connie. "She saved you."

Mrs. Springer gasped. "I was...a titan?"

"The Beast Titan turned all Ragako into titans. You probably don't remember," said Hange. "Most titan shifters don't,a t any rate, and you weren't even a shifter."

Mrs. Springer nodded, takang in the other woman's Survey Corps uniform. She scanned her son's face. "Your father?"

Tears spilled down Connie's cheeks as he shook his head.

"You were the only survivor," Hange said, kneeling next to the woman. "I couldn't have saved you without your son. He was instrumental in recognizing you and helping me piece together what happened."

"I wasn't the only one." Connie stretched out a hand to Sasha across the room. "Mom, this is Sasha Blouse."

"Sasha." Mrs. Springer blinked through her tears. "The potato girl you had a crush on?"

Connie flushed. "Yeah."

Sasha's face was redder than the Colossal Titan as she stretched out her hand. "It's so good to meet you, Mrs. Springer. I'm so happy you are okay. You've raised a very brave and kind son." She fished through her satchel. "Here, I, uh, have a boiled potato for you, if you want to taste real food."

"He's found a brave and kind girl," Mrs. Springer said instead, clasping Sasha's hand in hers.

Hange smiled to herself. Healing took forever, but it made forever worthwhile.


"I just – I finally know what it means to not want to kill, and I have to again." Eren shrugged his shoulders.

"Well, you didn't want to fight, much less kill, Annie. I was the monster that time," Mikasa pointed out. Sasha still hadn't returned from her expedition with Connie and Hange, so she and Eren were able to have a late-night conversation in her room for once.

"True. But that was our only option then, I thought." Eren smiled at her. "You've always given me good advice."

"I'm glad."

"What if I can't fight Zeke? I still don't know why he hates Dad. And he's my brother, Mikasa. My brother." Eren shook.

"I don't know," she said quietly. Could she fight her family?

"I want to talk to him," Eren said determinedly. "Before anything else."

"Do you honestly think he'd listen?"

"No…but I have to try."

"Well, if Erwin's plan goes forth, you'll get your wish. How did your meeting with Saskia go?"

"Informative," Eren said, flopping onto his back. "But I won't know until it might be too late."

"Risks, the only thing we're good at." Mikasa bent over to kiss him. "Eren…if we need to kill Zeke, I will do it. For you."

"No, Mikasa, it's my family, my problem –"

"My family, in a sense, too," she reminded him.

"That makes kissing awkward."

"Well, there are other ways to join a family besides being born into it." Mikasa rolled on top of him. "Is this okay?"

Eren's heart raced. "Um…yeah." His fingers caressed her back. "H-how far…?"

Mikasa smiled at him, actually smiled. "As far as you want."

"I want all of you." He planted his lips on hers and drew her legs tight around him. As her fingers pulled off his shirt, he reckoned that even if he felt embarrassed at her superior strength, she was worth it.


Bertolt had never seen a titan quite like the one staring down at him.

Larger than Zeke's but smaller than the Colossal, though it steamed just as much. Two horns, like drawings of the devil Saskia had shown him every time he hid in the library after getting his ass kicked during training.

With an explosion of steam that knocked Bertolt off his feet, the titan vanished, leaving behind a bearded man.

"Darius Zackly." Bertolt scrambled to his feet, sheer terror piercing his spine. He's come to kill me. No, nothing made sense.

"Get your Chief, Hoover. We have a problem." Darius's eyes blazed hotter than his titan.

He might as well have been a titan shifted into human form.