A/N: This is a crack fic as off-the-wall nuts as "Awakening the Swarm", due to the ludicrously huge differences in technology, power, etc. This exists in the same continuity as "Supreme Commander: Evangelion" and "Ramen Uber Alles", and occasionally refers to the events of the former. I also make the most effort possible to morally even out (e.g. redeem bad guys, temper down good guys) as many characters as I think reasonable.
You have been WARNED that this can probably qualify for "The Most Unlikely Crossovers".
There will be no Japanese honorifics unless specifically used for emphasis. You may assume that no Coalition member uses them regardless and that the Elemental Nations natives use them by default, unless it's a specific case of communications between the two groups, or Hinata, who will often be noted to be using or not using them as she will straddle the line.
Chapter 1: Thou Shalt Not Replacement in Panic
Academy Graduation Ceremony, Hidden Leaf Village, March 25, 12 Years After Nine-Tails (let's call this "A9" and Before "B9")
"Alright, Hinata, please Transform into what you think the older version of yourself would look like." Mizuki said cheerfully.
"Wait, what—" Iruka did a double-take at his assistant and friend.
Hinata did as Naruto had taught her when she asked him for help once… she was puzzled as to how his version could bypass her bloodline, so she'd asked him to teach her. It had been incredibly draining on her chakra, but she was fairly certain she had improved her chakra capacity by practicing it. However, due to the fact that she'd only practiced transforming into other things vaguely her size and shape, she didn't think enough before transforming.
In less euphemistic terms, there was a loud tearing of her hoodie's zipper as it gave up the ghost, while a crushing pressure Hinata suddenly felt on her chest was relieved slightly. Then there was a series of loud pops as her undershirt's buttons failed one by one and shot outward. Oh, and her pants' zipper and button failed too, and her ninja sandals' buckles burst. She was very glad she wasn't wearing a belt, because the power of her chakra pushing outward would either have gouged into her or… Oh shit. "EEP! Replacement Technique!" She disappeared from the teachers' sight, thinking Father always did say that there were appropriate times for profanity, I suppose that was a good idea of one of those times.
Mizuki reached up and pried a rather sizable button from where only a quick shut-eye and frown had stuck it on his brow ridge and cheekbone instead of his eye. "…Wait… what?" He had been too shocked to dodge.
Iruka's eyes narrowed as he picked himself up, discreetly wiping away the chakra-boosted blast of what looked like blood—it was actually a little blood bulked up in volume by snot—that had exited his nose "Look, Mizuki, if this is about Tsubaki dumping you and you wanting to see another pair of boobs before I punch your lights out for potential pedophilia…"
Mizuki facepalmed "Please don't tell me you subscribe to the 'True Hyuuga Bloodline' nonsense... and pedophilia, really, Iruka? Did that look anything like a loli to you? And don't think I don't see your nosebleed there!"
Iruka sighed "…You know full well by technicalities I think you'd be a better teacher, but you also know full well that kids this age don't deal well in technicalities."
"I wish we had courses where we could teach Chunin or at least Genin…" Mizuki grumbled. "But I also know that we need to get the kids to prove their loyalty first before teaching them overly advanced and dangerous techniques."
"Sad, but true."
"And all it takes is one goddamned mission gone wrong where I accidentally grabbed an injured guy the wrong way while fleeing for our lives for me to lose the trust of, well, everybody except you and the kids, Iruka." Mizuki groused further.
"Tsubaki still believes in you, even though you've managed to push her away." Iruka pointed out. "You know if you'd told the truth from the start about that mission you'd probably be Jonin or at least Special Jonin by now."
Mizuki waved him off "Bah, better she not be tied to someone like me, I'd say, especially with what I'm planning for tonight. Besides, Jonin? And give up the chance to watch the next generation make fools of everyone… though sometimes me too, but that's a worthwhile viewing fee… Wait, you ARE joking, right?"
"You know, once I stopped pranking you started, and what's worse I suspect you're helping Naruto…"
Mizuki shrugged. Sure, he'd helped the brat lug the paint up the side of the mountain, but it was a good study in stealth, honestly! After all, he had been the guy who the ANBU had, uh, expressed their general displeasure toward once his gift to the little monster ("For fuck's sake, stop looking at me like I'm breaking the Third's Law, I'm just expressing our common opinion of the pranking!") had worn off its effect of being an easily spotted eyesore. The brat had gotten even MORE stealthy, somehow, and Mizuki had been forced to give Taijutsu lessons in exchange for learning the brat's secrets. "It was a good way to vent at the unfairness of accusing me of murdering my team member just so that I could seal his body away and run faster."
"And the pranks toward me and even one on Naruto that had him trying to eat me?" Iruka prodded.
"Hey, it wasn't fair that they judged me a ninja with more potential but approved me only on condition of being your assistant because of that controversy, and it was better than just sulking over it. Now though I'm immensely glad for it because I have much less paperwork."
Iruka snorted "Yeah, well, that totally sounds like a great reason to douse me in ramen broth while trying to apprehend Naruto from his pretend sleepwalking. He actually fell asleep while I was towing him back to his house and started gnawing on me."
"You never told me this story before…"
"I don't know, maybe the shock of seeing Hinata practically explode out of her clothes loosened my wits a bit?" Iruka said as they waited for Hinata to come back from wherever she'd teleported to, though a fainting spell wouldn't be out of the question, it was usually safe enough inside the academy that almost certainly nothing bad happened. Then there was passive chakra body reinforcement, hence why no ninjas ever broke their necks falling down stairs, but that was another story.
Mizuki was thinking about how he'd even choked down a more than sufficient amount of the grossly unhealthy food called ramen just to learn more of the brat's techniques. He loathed the food, because his beloved grandfather had been a ramen addict who died of high blood pressure causing a stroke when the Nine-Tails attacked. On the other hand, he did admit that ramen was actually reasonably healthy for a ninja conducting active training, as it contained lots of salt to replace that lost through sweat, and plenty of carbohydrates for energy. So he was able to (barely) choke it down despite his memories of his grandfather's final, pitiful state, seizing and losing control of his bowels, with no hospital beds available in the aftermath of the Nine-Tails' attack, no medics to try to save him…
Iruka didn't know about this, Mizuki never told him, though Iruka had still picked up on his great dislike for the food well enough. "So, when do you think Hinata will come back?"
"Iruka-sensei! A grown-up version of Hinata just appeared in a cloud of smoke straddling Naruto's face, then did a Replacement to somewhere else the moment she noticed where she was! There's boiling red chakra spraying from Naruto's nose!" Chouji rushed in, yelling.
Mizuki and Iruka shared a look "…Oh shit." Then they vaulted over the desk and rushed to the waiting room, the white-haired teaching assistant (and what a relief that was once he saw Iruka's paperwork level versus his own for the first time) bending down to scoop up Naruto's goggles as he ran. Apparently Hinata had been thinking a bit too much on how she only wanted her crush to see her like this when she panicked and did a Replacement to escape.
Well, whenever they found the Hyuuga heiress, they'd be able to give her a shiny new Forehead Protector, because she'd passed the exam.
In retrospect, Tobi really should not have come back to visit Konoha again during one of his rare days off. It seemed the town was about as insane as it used to be when he lived here, so long ago. Apparently, driven mad by a hot Nine-Tails chakra injection into a certain part of her anatomy, a certain Hyuuga heiress, now almost completely naked, was still Replacing about like a hot potato. Well, she was hot, alright, especially that Transformation she seemed to be trying and failing badly at dispelling.
Oh hey, there was Jiraiya of the Legendary Three, whose very unique forehead protector with the kanji for "oil" had abruptly been replaced by Hinata, and almost instantly thereafter by Tora, while he was busy peeping. Ouch, that must hurt, because the demon cat (and its ancestors for generations since Konoha's founding) was selected from its mother's litter as the one that enjoyed walks in the form of visiting Konoha the most often. Legend had it that when the First Hokage was dividing up the Tailed Beasts, he brought back some kittens born to the Two-Tails, and Tora was from that lineage. As a side note, due to frequent road trips (read: long-distance runs) the daimyo's wife had to use Transformation Technique to fake being quite as… fat… as most Genin teams saw her as. As another side note, it was only during the Third's reign that catching Tora was demoted to a D-rank mission, to make Genin more likely to come in contact with the menace.
Wait… what the hell was this presence on his back right now after Tora appeared on Jiraya's head? No… no… NO NONONONONONONONO TORA HAD NOT BEEN ON TOP OF HIM WITHOUT HIM NOTICING AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Tobi screamed and almost reflexively cast Divine Authority (Kamui) at Hinata, who was trying to undo Naruto's Transformation and hadn't noticed him, at the same time that the Nine-Tails chakra Hinata had been injected with through the Gate of Beginnings destabilized. The Ninth Gate of the human body was unknown to the Ninja World, because no one ever got past the Gate of Death during the activation sequence.
The Gate of Beginnings was positioned as per the reality of all life, and was in fact the first gate to have ever existed. Life was a Time Abyss, in that technically the earliest ancestor of a particular lineage of life is still alive within that lineage, and all the lineages it branched into. As one looked into one's cells, they could look back through a practical eternity. The Gate of Beginnings told this truth, and the true purpose of all life.
Everything that lives is born to work to increase their genetic contribution to the next generation. Organismal death was irrelevant so long as one's genes increase in frequency. That was why the Gate of Beginnings was the first to exist, before even the Gate of Death, for life only existed after self-replicating or mutually-assisting replicating molecules did.
It was too bad that Hinata, when the enormous chakra infusion practically detonated inside her, was too overloaded by the sheer pain of it burning through and out of her to realize what was happening. She could only vent it into the technique cast on her as it sucked her up, and that meant tearing through the fabric of reality to a place which was unusually receptive to such events. After all, if one gazed long into the Time Abyss that was life, the Abyss gazes back.
Roanoke Abyss, October 31, 3849 AD
"Unknown energy buildup!" Hannah jerked awake from where she'd been dozing as the alarm klaxons went off. "The disturbance is extremely small, only a little bigger than the average human!"
"Mavors are still being trained on the anomaly and will be ready in fifteen seconds if needed. Strategic missiles are prepped and ready." Hannah said as she scanned her cursor over those units and noted their readiness. "Scientists should prepare to retreat, just in case this is the start of another Seraphim Imperium incursion." She'd sent off Fran, Ariel, Hackett, and Seth-Thauum (of the Seraphim Separatists) to enjoy a nice vacation, and because she was feeling a little too pampered by her new husband. Apparently when they'd basically adopted the three brats that showed up here two and a half years ago during the Seraphim War, Fran had learnt plenty from that Shinji kid. He'd been so good at parenting during those trying days that after those other-universe kids were sent off, Hannah had brought him home to meet her family—an incredibly stupid idea—and he'd talked to his parents (who were still alive) about their upcoming wedding.
Needless to say neither that son of the Aeon Illuminate or that daughter of the Cybran Nation were going to ever bring any of their planned children to meet their grandparents. As far as the older generation were concerned, they would all be abominations that should not exist so soon after the end of the Infinite War. UEF-Aeon or UEF-Cybran relationships were far more tolerated, but between the Illuminate and the Nation? There was far too much bad blood… or so everyone said.
"Recall Ariel, Xavier, Steven and Seth as soon as possible, have them all wait the next system over if need be." Hannah ordered as she moved the nearest squadrons of patrolling ships and aircraft to orbit the anomaly. They would watch for what came out, and were ordered to train their weapons toward the event just in case.
"The anomaly is stabilizing… and just ejected something human-sized. It's winding down now." The scientists reported, too late, because Hannah was already manoeuvring a Silver-class Tier 1 submarine into position—she was less familiar with the controls of the UEF Tigershark, and the Aeon and Seraphim units were too rounded to be used for such a pick-up—to pick up the strange girl who'd dropped out and was now floating face-down in the water. The scientists had already boarded a boat which would take them to the girl to give first aid, and to scan her to try to determine where the hell she came from.
It had been two years since the last time Roanoke Abyss had disgorged visitors from another universe, and much longer since the last time the place had manifested teleportation-attempters from a random lost colony. That particular case had been quite horrifying in that the ruling class engineered giant biomechanical monstrosities called "Titans" to corral the populace and keep them obedient. The ruling class of that planet had very quickly been put down, the populace liberated, and assimilated by the United Earth Federation. It was barely ten years later that the Aeon Illuminate assaulted the planet and everyone who could or did not evacuate in time died, but that's another story.
A/N: I'm operating on a 5-km radius for Konoha, based on a certain calculation involving the Hokage Mansion vs. Gamabunta, and then the Mansion versus the Hokage Mountain carvings, and then the carvings' width versus Konoha's width. That actually only got about 3.25 km, but I'm noting several inaccuracies and bulking up the number a bit. Other calculations have sometimes given a 1-kilometer radius. Any bigger and the wall gets unreasonably huge to guard to any degree, and the population ends up insanely huge compared to what we can expect from the show (e.g. at best something like 10K people… which I'll have to bulk up to at least 50K to make consistent with the Fourth Shinobi World War number requirements for 80K from all the major and minor villages put together).
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