A/N: For anyone who did not heed my very obvious and clear warnings about "chapter" 4 being a massive data-dump, that's your own fault given the notices I put up about skipping it being fine.

I envision the First Shinobi World War to have begun about 15 years PWC, lasting 5 years, the second about 40 PWC (20 years after the first ended), and as Nagato was supposed to be 35 in Part 2, I'm adjusting things slightly there. The Third Shinobi World War began around 55 PWC and ended about 60 PWC, three years before the Nine-Tails attacked Konoha.

Most terms will be English, mostly it is the names that will stay Japanese.


Chapter 5: The Orange Swarm Begins

Local Date: March 25, 12 Years A9, 75 PWC

Hiashi yawned, but stayed at his post in the Hokage Tower waiting for news about Hinata like a good father should. There had been no news yet, but he had gotten a messenger bird from his father, the former clan head, it said something about kicking some asses back at the compound who were already raring to make Hanabi the new heir. Hiashi continued reading since it had been a while since he'd seen his father go nuts, and the old man was always a good laugh… wait, no, he had to maintain a pole-up-ass stiff image so that whenever he DID show emotion people took him seriously enough. Center yourself, Hiashi! Wait, are you sure we should talk about ourselves in second or third-person? Great, now I'm debating with myself and reasonably sure I'm losing… and I thought Hinata's crush on the Uzumaki brat was nuts… I wonder if insanity is hereditary in the eye-related bloodlines…

…Hmm, apparently the old man was furious now that he'd learnt that one of his (rare) drunken emo lamentations over Hizashi's death had been directed at Hinata and Neji. He was beyond furious after realizing both his grandchildren had actually taken his alcohol-fuelled "everyone is chained by fate" seriously. He blathered to Hiashi in the letter that he should have told the kids to go clean Fate's clock… Hiashi had sighed when reading this, because his father had become an on-again off-again alcoholic since Hizashi died, and it was obvious from the scrawl he'd been dipping in the bottle again. As a side note, the old man had invented a new Hyuuga Taijutsu style… the Gentle Drunk. But that was another story, right up there in level of secrecy with Hiashi's spider impersonations due to being surprised by his wife eventually evolving into Orochimaru and Tsunade roleplaying.

In related news, it was only after his wife died that he'd let his hair grow long again and let a conditioner bottle near it again, because he realized it was his long, silky hair that gave his wife the idea. Unfortunately though Hitomi may or may not have misunderstood what "Gentle Fist" meant when doing said role-plays, which included nude sparring. It was more than worthwhile for him because of the mind-blowing pleasure she'd subjected him to, but it wasn't exactly good for his reputation to be known as the screamer in the marriage. Then again at least Hitomi's nymphomania had been better than Hizashi who was stuck with a wife who for all intents and purposes acted like a tuna.

Hitomi Hyuuga had been the type to, along with Kushina Uzumaki, probably contribute to Orochimaru finally losing it and conducting the sort of experiments he did at the end. Making a Sannin shit himself and run was no simple task, after all… but a Gentle Fist version of the legendary One Thousand Years of Death was certainly enough to do the job. Hiashi strongly suspected Orochimaru had been reading too many of Jiraiya's smut novels and gotten curious about the general feel of anal sex and thus let himself be hit without remembering the Gentle Fist problem… or maybe Kushina's chains had just been too good at holding him in place. Regardless, the rumours about semi-regular loss of anal control afterward, if true, may have caused Orochimaru to be obsessed with switching bodies. Hiashi preferred not to think about how grateful he was that Hitomi's insane episodes—almost all catalyzed by Kushina—never resulted in her experimenting on him. Wait…

…Hiashi really, really needed to stop reading his eldest daughter's Icha-Icha collection. If just sitting around and waiting for a few hours led to him wondering why his wife had been interested in using the Gentle Fist up a man's ass, well… Hiashi shivered, not wanting to imagine what would happen if he was bored for longer. Hiashi suddenly caught sight of something through his Byakugan.

Wait… that's the Uzumaki brat, what's he doing here? And… that chakra pattern he just… shifted… that is not possible. Wait, that shape, those curves, and that hairstyle… when Hitomi learnt hair techniques from Kushina… Hiashi's mind went blank as he saw a chakra form that looked disturbingly like something between his deceased wife on one of her Nine-Tails fuelled lust manhunts … uh, maybe rampages was a better word… and the previous Uzumaki going wild. Dammit I have a boner again remembering her, stupid third leg all lust and no romance, ugh… better hide to try to not arouse too much jealousy… or too many pursuers. Hiashi thought of how Neji had so many fan-girls, if he'd inherited size from Hizashi then he better as hell have skill too, or he'd be a big, BIG (literally) disappointment… Pretend Panic Attack Technique!

Naruto thought the guy with long, dark brown, and remarkably glossy-looking hair sitting in the corner, beside the potted plant next to the waiting bench, rocking back and forth clutching his knees and muttering to himself looked out of place. However, he wasn't about to stop and talk as he raced past him with the Forbidden Scroll on his back. Especially since he recognized the man from the list of the village council members, someone important could really trip up his escape with the scroll, and then he'd fail Mizuki-sensei's alternative test!


Early Morning, March 26, 12 Years A9, 75 PWC

"What the hell, Mizuki!" Iruka hissed as he felt the kunai and shuriken hit him as he shoved Naruto out of the way, but they didn't pierce nearly as far in as they should have given the speed he'd seen them coming with. They wouldn't have debilitated him anyways, but… this was weird… they seemed to be sticking to him, or at least his clothes, while not actually hurting him much. If Mizuki had really decided to steal the Forbidden Scroll there was something very wrong with this situation, but just in case it was a ploy to throw him off… Iruka had caught Mizuki as a co-conspirator with Naruto on some pranks before and no doubt his possibly former friend had learnt… and Tsubaki breaking it off with the man didn't bode well for his loyalty or lack thereof either.

"Naruto, give me the Scroll now!" Mizuki shouted, noting that the superglue mixture that the brat had told him about after a particularly good prank really worked as advertised.

"Wait a minute… what's going on here?"

"Naruto! Don't let Mizuki get the scroll! It contains forbidden techniques that can put this village in grave danger! Mizuki used you to get the scroll for himself for his own power!" Iruka barked.

Mizuki laughed "Bah… Iruka is just trying to scare you because he likes to stick by the rules where possible regarding the Academy exam, does anyone ever even use a basic Clone out in the field?" He had to be careful not to reveal that the Shadow Clone was much more useful though, or the kid would probably trust him too much for this ploy to work right. Now, how to pull Iruka out of being tsundere and get him to confess how much he'd bonded with the kid…

"Stop lying Mizuki! Don't let him trick you, Naruto!" Iruka said, pulling at the kunai in one leg and finding it stuck to his pants… it could be reckoned as smart, to force enemies to leave blades in while active and thus cut the wounds deeper, but Iruka was still trying to figure out his old buddy's motivations. Why was he talking so much instead of trying his best to kill Iruka and Naruto and run?

"I'll tell you who's lying, Naruto." The wording was something Mizuki had practiced many times, loose enough to not break the Third's law, but enough for the kid to figure it out.

"Mizuki no!" If Mizuki was still loyal and just using this as a roundabout way of telling Naruto about his tenant, Iruka didn't want his friend to be jailed for breaking the Third's law to any degree. If not, well…

"They've been lying to you your whole life kid, since the decree twelve years ago. Everyone knows except you, even Iruka's trying to hide it from you, even now."

Naruto pretended to have no clue, even though… twelve years ago, the day he was born, the day of the Nine-Tails attack… he'd thought about it before, but maybe Mizuki-sensei was just using this ploy to confirm it for him? "What is this decree? Why does everyone know?"

"Don't tell him, it's forbidden!" Iruka said, trying again to pull the superglue-coated and atypically blunt kunai and shuriken out. They came out far enough to stop stabbing him, and weren't sharp enough to cut on contact, which was suspicious, but the superglue was too much for him to make his clothes look less untidy.

"You'd think the academy would teach kids like they did back in our time. You can't kill a giant sentient mass of chakra, you can only seal it up. Kid, I think you can connect the dots then as to why so many villagers hate you given you were born on the day of the Nine-Tails Attack. Anyone much older than a newborn would have ruptured their chakra coils and died trying to hold a giant mass of chakra suddenly stuffed into them. We're not allowed to talk about it, but the villagers have warned their children about you, and children trust their parents, hence you were alone and friendless growing up…" Mizuki grimaced, glancing over at Iruka and wondering if he'd used a little too much superglue on those weapons. Man, why was it that whenever Iruka or later Naruto did a prank it came off so well, and whenever he tried things went sideways? Wait… Iruka was looking at him with exasperation instead of suspicion and anger, that's not how this was meant to go! Time to try to fix it and get things back on track to a confession… "The Fox killed Iruka's parents, you know, I think that might be part of why he wouldn't pass you." I think that's over the line, hopefully Iruka doesn't take it too badly after—

Oh shit. The last time he'd seen that look on Iruka's face, the resulting prank that Iruka and he had pulled on their victim was about as huge as Naruto somehow managing to paint the Hokage Monument overnight without even knowing the Surface Clinging Technique. Uh… how best to prevent Iruka from ganking his ass with the basics Iruka so adored… "Prove yourself!" He yelled as he threw one of his favoured weapons, a giant shuriken, in Naruto's direction, aimed so that the point would land next to the kid's head unless he… oh for fuck's sake the kid tried to crawl away instead of lunging to the side. What the hell had he been doing during the class talking about projectile evasion at short to mid-range?

…Naruto in a theory lecture… yeah, okay, that was a dumb thought on Mizuki's part, he admitted to himself. Now hopefully Iruka noticed that his shuriken were scream-worthy in how much he'd blunted them, and how unusually slow that throw had been, but maybe he was too busy on his spiel right now hunched over Naruto to notice that he'd also coated the weapon's edges with a blood coagulant, and the rest with superglue to stick to fabric. Goddamn it Iruka you idiot, I don't want to kill or maim you by accident when trying to win trust back from the village!


One chase and ensuing confession later…

"Yes! Objective achieved!" Mizuki dropped the latest giant shuriken he'd brought out of his storage seals to scare Naruto into helping Iruka. Then he did a little happy dance to try to help defuse the tension in the area "Now you know a Clone Technique and fulfilled the academy standards for passing, you know that you have a steadfast friend in the form of Iruka, you've bypassed the stupid law that has caused you to take dumb risks and such irrespective of your tenant, and I've sidestepped it too while helping deal with that possible risk to the Village of your ignorance!"

Iruka decided it would be better to help Mizuki in this since it was pretty damned obvious that he could have done better when trying to attack them "So that's why my wounds aren't bleeding nearly enough, and all your weapons were so blunted I don't think I could cut myself on one without really trying…"

"I'm confused." Naruto admitted in a thunderous cacophony of the same voice from the thousands of clones behind him.

"Kid, I could be jailed or maybe killed under the Third's Law if I just told you outright, but since you figured out who's inside that seal on your belly by yourself, the thing that's been letting you survive all the beatings over the years, I could talk about it safely in conversation to people who know. The semi-unaware person, as in you, listening in is not to be considered my fault, so in theory I shouldn't be punished for this if given fair trial. I can also claim that if you can actually bypass all the patrols and guards and steal the Scroll out from under the Hokage's nose, as well as learn a technique from it overnight, you are definitely worthy of being a Genin, if not a whole lot higher in rank." Mizuki said, grinning. "Want some solvent for the superglue Iruka? Must be uncomfortable having a giant shuriken stuck to a hole in your clothes…"

"I'll leave the superglue-coated weapons in my clothes until we get to the Hokage Tower, just in case you're lying and there's poison." Iruka said.

Mizuki waved him off, still smiling. "Yeah, yeah, I understand… guess I have an appointment with Inoichi at the very least. If he says anything about Tsubaki's preferences" read: fetishes, as kunoichi were generally not quite vanilla in terms of sexuality, much to the dismay of many male clan heirs, and the pleasure of almost as many "to the rumour mill though… well, I wrote you and Tsubaki into my will, Iruka. I'll try to stop her from murdering the Yamanaka clan head, but I don't think I'd succeed, probably be a collateral damage statistic, hah…"

"You angered her into breaking up with you so that you can pull this stunt and not get her investigated too, didn't you?"

Mizuki winced at the accusation "For fuck's sake Iruka, the Third is pretty much guaranteed to be watching Naruto by his Telescope Technique and you're saying that out loud to remind him just in case he forgets my girl… ah, ex-girlfriend?"

"For what it's worth, I'll go explain it to her while you're getting your mind walked."

"You better hope she doesn't get in trouble by association with me, you hear? Otherwise I'm going to occasionally unlock your academy drawers unlocked for any enterprising brats!" Mizuki waved his fist at Iruka. Far away, the Hokage shivered at the threat of more paperwork that had been made against Iruka, and had a fleeting thought that Mizuki needed some punishment for daring to make such a threat against another ninja. Paperwork was serious business! Though… it wasn't exactly just to punish the man for such a thing, almost as petty as Danzo in fact… so maybe not. On the other hand, the crime of unleashing a horde of Naruto on the village, uh…

Meanwhile, Naruto walked silently behind the two Chunin, amazed that one of his teachers would risk his career to help him, and the other risk his life to protect him. He looked up when the guy who started the night's mess said "Wait, Naruto, I need to clear this lesson with you. When you dodge projectiles, dodging backwards or forwards is often less effective than sideways or down, unless you suspect there are traps or follow-up attacks…" The lesson was short but to the point, and Mizuki hoped it sunk in better than the original theory lecture… Then again given Naruto's Taijutsu simply defied being forced into the Academy Style despite Mizuki's best efforts and he'd had to teach the kid what basically amounted to street brawling instead, Mizuki had serious doubts about that.

It was when they were nearly at the tower that Mizuki suddenly twitched and remembered something else that was critically important "Kid, don't think that I'm just doing this purely for you. Iruka is, but I'm doing this partly because the goddamned Council just won't trust me after one mission gone wrong where I was so focused on escaping that I accidentally strangled someone I was hauling back to friendly lines. I don't particularly WANT to be a Jonin or Spec Jonin, but at least having the option to take the exam would feel nice, because it would mean I'm trusted again." He stared down at where Naruto was hugging him, getting the feeling he'd failed utterly in defusing the kid's frequently excessive idealism.

Iruka had one of his pinky fingers jammed up one ear digging. "That… was the flimsiest excuse for helping anyone that I have ever had the misfortune to hear in my life."

Naruto's voice was muffled by the silver-haired man's clothes "Iruka-sensei said it right."

Mizuki facepalmed and groaned at his abysmal failure in one of his secondary objectives. On the other hand, he had contributed to (hopefully) creating Konoha's next legend. If the number of Shadow Clones back there was any indication, the Orange Swarm would rise soon enough.

…Wait…

To anyone who can hear my thoughts right now, please insert a mental scream. I am quite sure that the main part of my mind is still unable to conceptualize the horror it has unleashed upon the unsuspecting world.

Oh yeah, that's not nearly enough. Uh, let me think…

To anyone who receives or finds this message, we wish you well. May organized, orderly, at least vaguely predictable civilization—in the by then former Elemental Nations—rise once more in the far distant future.


Later, Konoha T&I

"Explain yourself." Hiruzen sat across the desk from Mizuki, who wasn't shackled or anything.

The Chunin sighed, knowing that he had better spill everything "Hokage-sama, I have seen Naruto do many reckless things over the years, and though it dangerous to the village for him to not know of his tenant and the potential dangers associated with it. So many people know of him that it is no secret except hiding it in the open, and I felt it was necessary to teach him to be less reckless, as well as ensure he is no longer a flight risk after that… incident a few years ago." Both men clamped their legs shut in sympathy even thinking back on the notice pinned to the pike in the market square announcing what exactly the rotting meat on top had been… The kid met Ayame and Teuchi Ichiraku that day when the girl found him… what was left of him… beaten to a pulp and stuffed down a garbage can to die.

Fortunately, though, Naruto survived and his genitals had eventually regenerated, though there were doubts that any children he had would be his and not offspring of the Nine-Tails. Mizuki continued past the story that had scarred him for life despite his choice of career. "He needs to know that there are already people in this shithole of a village who care for him, who see him as a person and not just an object to hate, a beast to put down. And… while it was my excuse to justify to myself doing something this stupid, I really do want to at least be allowed, on paper, to participate in the Jonin exam. I am a selfish man, Hokage-sama, but even then I'm not selfish enough or enough of an asshole to overlook the abuse heaped on our village's Demon Container. Plus… he's a fun kid to hang around with."

"And he's good at having a friend's back at bar brawls." The Third prodded, over the fact that Mizuki had eventually given up trying to fix Naruto's Academy Style Taijutsu and switched to a crude but effective style. Sadly Tsubaki had not approved of the practical training trips he'd taken the kid on a couple of times…

Mizuki grimaced "That too."

Hiruzen decided to use the blunt diplomacy Naruto was good at. It could potentially have prevented the Uchiha Massacre if he'd just dragged Fugaku and his clan out to a public forum to address their concerns and negotiate a compromise, so he was working on learning to use it right. "Mizuki, I know you meant well, and that you could have tried to run off to, say, Orochimaru with the Scroll. However, I must still punish you for a truly heinous crime."

"Sire, I have done nothing wrong, Naruto figured out his secret himself, and afterward I could speak of it before him as all those present knew it, and I merely helped our Demon Container in reaching his potential by ensuring he graduated the Academy reasonably on time. I did not expect him to actually succeed, but was hoping you might use his audacity to let him learn a good high-chakra Clone Technique anyhow. If he did succeed then I was ready to put on a performance with Iruka to help his flight risk problem, and even if he did not I had alternative plans to help the boy."

"You should have chosen law as a profession instead."

Mizuki held up a finger "Hokage-sama, I request permission to take a shower before we continue, for you have suggested I am fit for the filthy and heinous profession of being a lawyer."

Sarutobi chuckled "Or a comedian, you learnt from Naruto?"

"Indeed, a lesson from Naruto. How that kid recovered from that incident and the ones before that… I'll never know, but I suppose that's one good thing his tenant has done for this village…"

"Your punishment for unleashing Naruto to the nth power upon the village is to take whole or majority responsibility for cleaning up after every single one of his messes until he becomes Chunin. If it is truly big enough, you will be paid reasonably, depending on completion timeframe and other factors." Hiruzen had just verbally demonstrated to a paling Mizuki some of where Orochimaru may have learnt his sadism from.

(Years later, after Nagato, Mizuki would ask the Third exactly how he was to take the majority of responsibility in cleaning up a gigantic crater that was pretty much where Konoha had once been, and how much he would be paid for it, becuase it was "one of Naruto's messes".)

"Oh, and sorry, Mizuki, but we can't let you take the Jonin exam until Naruto manages to make a name for himself as the Orange Swarm, because of just how much the Council will shit themselves when they hear that you led to him learning the Shadow Clone. I will of course prevent them from trying to execute you, but you'll be behind bars for a week or so, just to shut them up a bit… It will be a relatively long D-rank mission… to silence an army of banshees."

"Sire, you're not talking about Mebuki Haruno, right? I'm reasonably sure her daughter is going to be great at blunt force techniques, including sound blasts, if she can snap out of being a fan-girl. That's a gift, so please don't refer to my student as a banshee?"

"You have shown yourself to be a good man and good ninja, Chunin Toji Mizuki, keep it up and we can see about the Jonin exam in a couple years… because it doesn't sound like you're eager to stop working at the Academy."

"It's always been more of the principle of the choice for me than actual desire to be a Jonin, Hokage-sama."

"Hah! Well, I hope you enjoy sharpening your weapons after this stunt…" Hiruzen held in his desire to threaten the man with execution by being fucked to death by a Nine-Tails Chakra overdosed girlfriend if Naruto went nuts on the village with Shadow Clones and killed too many people with heart attacks… or with sex due to Nine-Tails Chakra leakage. Well, she was his ex-girlfriend for now but Hiruzen would be astounded if Tsubaki Ono didn't seize him back as soon as possible after hearing of his generous deed. He suspected that recovered relationship would last until she figured out where all the Narutos turning the village into a glorified circus came from. On the other hand, if he stuffed Naruto toward Kakashi… maybe the man would lighten up once Konoha acquired an orange and blue tent over a good chunk of the village randomly one day?

Then of course there was the fact that the less seriously other countries took their ninja, the better for them, as long as customers kept coming. A circus tent might be just what they needed… Well, Hiruzen would see what Naruto might pull off, sooner or later… Hopefully it would involve inventing a device to do paperwork quickly…


Next Chapter: I Can Has "I Win" Button?


A/N: In the unlikely event you have not realized yet, this fic is almost pure crack. Expect Kurenai's eyes to morph, along with other bullshit events.

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