A/N: Go read my new Naruto fic, "Measuring the World", which is my opinion of my search on Sand-to-Leaf distance estimates are and how huge the Naruto planet would have to be as a result (e.g. "the Elemental Nations are over 17 million kilometers across because it took a minute for A travelling at light speed to reach Madara", which is so stupid an estimate I do not have words for it).

Gamabunta is apparently 300 feet tall, that's 90 meters. He is known to be significantly shorter than the Nine-Tails, so Kurama will be set to about 200 meters tall at the shoulder when on all fours. Gamabunta being able to pin him is still realistic, as toads are very effective at occupying their clearance volume (e.g. box of length-width-height) compared to a slender fox like Kurama, and the limb lengths in the anime scene where Gamabunta restrained Kurama (at full size and strength) indicates Kurama's legs are no longer than 75 meters per segment (e.g. forearm, upper arm), so 200 meters overall to the shoulder is reasonable. Of course, this does mean Galactic Colossi and beyond them Ythothas ever actually showing themselves near a ninja village would scare the occupants shitless…


Chapter 9: The Ascent of Madness

(Read: "The Ass End of Madness")

Contact Day +3, Afternoon of March 28, 12 Years A9, 75 PWC (Post-Warring Clans)

"You know, I think I could really use your help with some personal issues…" Asuma mumbled after he surveyed the damage to the targets… or what remained of them. This was, understandably, AFTER Kurenai gave the weapons back to Hannah. He'd wanted to take a close look after Hannah took a few shots, but then she'd offered the weapons, set on single-shot with each pull of the trigger, to Kurenai to see if she wanted to try things out. Gai, Asuma and Kakashi had taken the hint from the smoking craters where the targets had once been, and taken cover far, far behind them… just in case. This was very wise, as the recoil of the weapons was quite significant and it was only due to being very cautious that Kurenai hadn't blown too many holes in the surrounding environment beyond what she was actually trying for.

"I don't think your girlfriend would like that very much." Hannah looked toward Kurenai, who looked away, breaking the curious gaze she had previously pointed at Asuma while he was staring at and talking to the new woman.

Asuma pretended to completely ignore the accusation of his gross failure to keep his relationship with Kurenai secret "No, I mean you're obviously big and strong enough that you might convince Ino to stop dieting."

"Sakura has the same problem." Kakashi noted.

Hannah blinked the eyes on her avatar very pointedly "Let me get this straight… two trainee soldiers are dieting… and this was tolerated how? What's worse they're still growing kids and they are permitted to diet? Kurenai, why didn't they ask you about this? You're a mature and attractive woman, they'd probably freak out over me being a giant and advocating healthy eating, unless I bring my husband out to show them what being smart, tough and big can earn a girl! And I'm not about to put him at risk for something this petty…"

Xavier Fran was very much a pretty boy to say the least, thanks to a mix of augmentations and regular Psionic rejuvenation therapy. That was the Aeon way, whereas the Cybran Nation relied on their not-so-nano "nanites" which were part of their bodies to help correct errant cells and repair DNA damage. The UEF relied on often more extensive genetic modifications and periodic mixes of various treatments to stave off aging.

Fran was also rich from his long career, cheerful, and generally a nice guy. On the other hand, all accusations and rumours of him trailing sparkles should be pointed toward Rhiza, from a prank when both were off-duty, originally dating from over two hundred years ago. Sadly, being good-looking had its downsides, in that the sparkling rumour just wouldn't die… especially because Rhiza was better than him at pranking and hacking, and gave refreshers to the rumour occasionally afterward, every few decades or so. She was overdue for the most recent refresher of the prank, but that was likely due to the Aeon Civil War and taking the office of Avatar of War.

Kakashi shrugged. "Well, we didn't know until now, and it turned out the Academy did their best, but there were just too many students and too few teachers…"

"We'd have to take them out of this village though for a minor training trip, because I'm not risking exposing my husband to anyone who might be watching unless he personally wants to take a hike."

"I doubt we could get permission to bring so many clan heirs outside the village at once until they're all approved for C-rank missions." Asuma cut in.

"On that note of training the kids, I'm reasonably sure Hinata will crack soon." Kurenai remarked. "She has been holding up remarkably well to the tremendous stress of suddenly being a local guide and diplomatic contact for an immensely superior power, but her confidence issues and such are still more than present and the moment the shock fades down enough I fear she will not do so well with the strain… the alternative, that she is as bipolar as her mother was, is too horrifying to contemplate."

"Well, with how she tended to speak we thought there were some meekness problems, but she spoke more than clearly enough when presenting the situation to the Hokage…" Hannah wondered aloud. "And I thought the whole Yamato Nadeshiko bullshit that this planet probably subscribes to was meant to be more than just bipolar?" Soft and caring but manipulative and vicious as needed… also known as an absurd ideal born of an obsessively patriarchal…

For politeness and because it is not historically relevant mental commentary, some of this part of the mission records in the "Naruto World" as it was later labelled, have been redacted. Notably, Uzumaki Tayuya was later consulted in improving the diction (and found it almost impressive, before adding to it), and Hidan would have been consulted if he'd been available and less of a rabid dog that had to be put down.

"Well, the desired stereotype…" the black-haired woman with bigger boobs thought of Hitomi Hyuuga and how she was usually described as a Yamato Nadeshiko (e.g. bipolar lunatic) taken to such an extreme that dissuaded others from trying for the ideal for years. "Yes, I suppose it is… What about Hinata's eye contact issues? Did you notice any indication of the problem there?" Kurenai knew that was one of the big issues Hinata had… and one of the girl's greatest regrets, having accidentally peeked on her parents once and then not making eye contact with her mother until Hitomi was caught up in the Uchiha Massacre. They'd never found a body, but the Hyuuga Clan was less than friendly toward Sasuke after the incident all the same. Itachi's legend had mostly been built not from killing his clan, but by somehow overcoming Uchiha Mikoto and Hyuuga Hitomi, who along with Uzumaki Kushina had been considered the Three Lunatics of Konoha. They were considered counterpoint to the Sannin and vastly less merciful, as the Sannin might only kill you or in Orochimaru's case experiment on you, while the Three Lunatics…

Due to public mental health concerns among the locals, the Coalition was not able to (within polite parameters i.e. without scanning their archives) get our hands on any further information on this subject. The locals would like to politely apologize for this hindrance of our efforts toward understanding each other and cultural exchange. However, they did inform us that Hitomi would probably eat Hiashi alive (starting with Hiashi Junior and very small bites) if she knew how Hinata had turned out without her. Later events would prove that this was not quite true, even if Hiashi would once again experience finding himself suddenly clinging to a ceiling corner like Orochi… AHEM… a silky-haired spider without realizing he had even moved.

"Ah… crap, Ariel, Hackett and I aren't so good at reading people as Xav and Seth are, I didn't notice anything in particular about her eyes and where they looked except her bloodline… which still shows a pupil if a Psi Disruptor is active in the area by the way." Hannah scratched her avatar's head. "Currently, Psi Disruption is automatically set to off on all our units so long as we are operating on this planet. We may activate them on a case-by-case basis though, but only with friendly or neutral forces nearby all in good condition. We don't want any non-hostiles, alive or in soul form, being mentally harmed due to the delicate psionic balance of a badly wounded person being affected… though my armour's Disruptor is actually too weak to start hurting exposed souls unless I'm pretty much wrapped around them." She skirted around the sensitive topic of resurrection technology, which was why the Seraphim War only cost a little over a trillion human lives. The Seraphim had lacked Psi Disruption Technology and the Order hadn't informed them… though the UEF still bled badly due to Order cooperation with the Seraphim.

Since she didn't seem inclined to speak further, and it sounded like how chakra disruption tags worked anyhow… Gai addressed some disturbing rumours he'd heard "My eternal rival! I heard that you committed the most uncool act of pulling a third lunch-box out from between your buttocks to give to your students after the Bell Test!" Kurenai knew exactly where this came from and was going, so she didn't comment on how the men were acting like imbeciles.

"Nobody ever thinks to put storage seals in their back pockets these days?" Kakashi growled, not appreciating the joke very much. He and Gai settled into glaring at one another.

"The last publicly known time someone did that was Kakashi, who accepted a 'gift' from Uzumaki Naruto when he was guarding the kid once. It contained a large amount of sealed dog crap from the Inuzuka kennels." Asuma explained to the puzzled-looking women present. "Gai had the great misfortune to be standing more or less behind Kakashi when the timer expired and the seal released its contents. Since then he has been strongly against the use of back pockets as storage seal holders… though it also vindicated his choice of outfit as a simple rinse was enough to clean him up enough to actually take it off… and burn it."

"Unfortunately dog crap and wolf dung burn the same way, with a lot of thick smoke." Kakashi supplied helpfully. "Gai cried a waterfall of manly tears, complete with probably Water Ninjutsu aid, or maybe just Flames of Youth, Water Edition… as he watched a set of his beloved jumpsuit literally go up in smoke. I… didn't appreciate replacing my pants… and socks… and shoes… and the amount of scrubbing that was needed to polish my reputation back up. I got over it, I don't think Gai has yet though." Gai rolled his eyes, as it was mostly a matter of perceived sanitation. On the other hand, Kakashi said that Naruto had probably figured his ANBU mask, hence the dog crap… then again not too many ANBU had gravity-defying silver hair…

"It puts new meaning to the phrase 'shit a brick', that's for sure." Hannah commented.

"That is an interesting turn of phrase, Hannah-san." Gai struck a thinking pose just to make his eternal rival roll his eyes… and succeeded.

"Why thank you!" The armoured woman beamed.

Meanwhile, Asuma was being uncouth… "Kakashi, would I be correct in saying that the lunch that tasted like ass went to Uzumaki Naruto?" Given the kid's tendencies and how badly he'd humiliated Kakashi more times than the kid probably even knew, he wouldn't put it past the Hatake to take exceedingly petty revenge on the boy who had somehow added catnip to his ANBU equipment more times than anyone could remember.

"I suspect your girlfriend would be annoyed at the insinuation that something tasting like ass is a bad thing." Kakashi shot back. Kurenai mimed vomiting at the idea until he added that "Hannah-san, since the Coalition is much more advanced than our world, might I make the guess that far more perverted sexual techniques have been invented and used there, due to sanitation and health concerns being taken care of?"

Hannah's jaw muscles flexed, before she stated frostily that… "I think this conversation has gotten a bit too weird for me. I for one am a very traditional and boring girl compared to many of my peers, so I do not appreciate being restrained or pain to any significant extent. I cannot even tolerate spanking for fun."

"Damn, that means your husband doesn't get to experiment with a whole lot of things… I feel sorry for him." Kakashi bemoaned his fellow man's suffering.

"Why did you think I bought this? I might be rather cowardly, but using this sex doll he can do whatever interesting things he wants to try… though I'll be monitoring its condition to prevent anything too dangerous, even as a joke." Hannah smiled dangerously.

"How can he be sure if it's you or a doll then?"

"Because I am exceedingly dull in preferences with my own body and like to take good care of it. Oral is about as far as I will tolerate giving or getting in terms of not-as-intended mucous membrane contact to my actual body. I can experience the others in a sanitary fashion using this… sorry for spoiling the surprise, Xav… ah, sorry, carrying two conversations at the same time isn't something I'm very good at yet." Just because she was descended from people engineered to be very sensitive and easy to please as a power trip for their owners…


Same time…

"Don't even start, Xav."

"I love you too, Hannah." Her husband made a kissing face at the camera.

"And I'm glad that's the case, even if I don't measure up to your first and second wives…" Hannah realized she'd stuck her foot in her mouth again "Sorry."

The man shook his head "I've gotten over them by now. It's okay…"

Fran was a widower twice over, which was why he was so hesitant to have more children, because all his previous attempts at having children had been ended by one revenge-obsessed UEF maniac by the name of Zaeed Massani. The man had retired already, and was protected directly by the Coalition (with a direct warning to him by Avatar of War Rhiza and General Hall)… but Fran still had a strong desire to hunt him down and deal with him, terminally. Even if it was true that the man's parents and many of his siblings had died during Aeon incursions that Fran was part of the vanguard for, he had only been the pilot in charge of tying up UEF forces. He even did that part in a very defensive manner until all civilians were gone from his operating area, but the UEF pilots seemed too intent on eliminating him most of the time, probably due to his long service and kill count. Some men just couldn't let go… and Fran was dangerously aware that he seemed to be on the verge of becoming one of them.

It would be this awareness that would later lead to him having a good laugh instead of flying into a rage when he learnt his son was sticking it to Massani's daughter, but that was a story for a much, MUCH later time.


Konoha, same time

"Kurenai?"

"I'm guessing you're about to ask if I have any idea why the men are talking about having nosebleeds when very suddenly exposed to something arousing." The smaller black-haired woman said. "Given I'm usually the role of the stick in the mud, I too am surprised that they are talking about this with me present."

"We're just trying to make sure you don't get too surprised. It's actually one of the Perversion Consequence Evasion Techniques passed down since time immemorial, to pretend to pass out after ejecting some blood from one's nose and flying back. This allows one to evade or at least greatly reduce the damage of being kicked in the balls too. Most women let things slide if it seems you've already been punished into unconsciousness and lost some blood." Asuma explained, while Gai was busy commenting on how un-Youthful it was… then admitted with a scowl upon Kakashi's prompt that preventing the blood from going south was indeed critically important, if for nothing else than to keep his jumpsuit comfortable. "Kurenai… please keep this secret?"

Kurenai shrugged "With how often men in a hurry to perform the Technique, or who are doing it reflexively, forget what is behind them, unless of course there are sharp things they keep mental track of, it is better they keep performing it. The lumps on the backs of their heads will be a good lesson." Anyone who had the chakra to perform that evasive technique had enough for bodily reinforcement to not risk cracking their skull on something blunt behind them, like a wall, or a pole, the most they'd do was knock themselves out for a few minutes, like how possums played dead for a few hours. As a side note, the manoeuvre had some popularity among civilians too… hence the standard move now included chakra reinforcement of the head and neck, to improve ninja-civilian relations by reducing civilian casualties.

"That is exceedingly amusing." Asuma and Kurenai both shrugged at Hannah's response (after she finished laughing).

"So, about psychological help for our students…" Kakashi finished talking with Gai and addressed their guest again, thinking about just how badly it was needed.


Earlier, with Team 7

"My ambition, because it will come true, is to bring back my clan, whether literally or out of wherever the hell they got stuck this time," This brought a wary look from Kakashi "and kick the ass of, ad infinitum, a certain man, for trying too hard to scar me for life and commit suicide by younger brother." Sasuke stated, before flinching back when Kakashi moved his hand up to his headband to check if it was an impostor.

"I was under the impression that Uchiha Itachi massacred the clan four years ago?" Kakashi commented, prodding for answers as to why Sasuke wasn't the aloof avenger he was described as. The boy was aloof… and focused on training, but he didn't seem to have too much in the way of vengeful tendencies, although Kakashi supposed if one tilted their head and squinted really hard…

Sasuke burst out laughing in a very hysterical fashion, very pointedly not looking at The Sharingan Thief. "Yeah… no. He might never have had enough of a childhood to learn what humanity meant, but the person who could take down Mom OR Hitomi Hyuuga so quickly in single combat hasn't been born yet. Both of them put together? They could probably make the First Hokage shit himself and run just to escape form the insanity."

Kakashi did not in fact choose not to argue that point, since there were very good reasons he'd never felt the need to tell Naruto any stories in his infancy about his mother… because he hadn't quite repressed those memories yet. And the other two of the Three Lunatics of Konoha… YE GODS, HE THOUGHT HE'D MANAGED TO REPRESS THOSE! Then again, Orochimaru had gone insane and later left Konoha due to the Three Lunatics, according to legend. There was also the rumour that the Third had taken pity on him and let him get away instead of killing him in Konoha and letting the two remaining lunatics do who knew what to his soul.

Sasuke continued, ignoring his teacher's trembling efforts to force scarring memories back into the hellhole they crawled out from "I have no idea what could have caused him to decide that faking the event would be a good idea, but I plan to become powerful enough that he wouldn't be embarrassed being defeated by me. That should be enough to make him give me some answers… and then probably partly obligate his suicidal tendencies depending on how terminally stupid those answers are. Afterward I can search for Mom and Aunt Hitomi, who are the only reason I wouldn't kill Itachi at any point for being too much of a dumbass." He shuddered at the thought of what his mother would do to him as punishment if he killed Itachi "They probably got high again and did something hilarious but stupid, but I wonder why they aren't back yet."

The last time Mikoto, Hitomi and Kushina had gotten high together, on Nine-Tails Chakra in that particular incident, the Hyuuga Compound had to be re-relocated. They'd somehow moved the whole compound onto the plateau behind the Hokage Monument and left all the house foundations where it used to be. No one, not even the three most likely to be responsible, figured out what they did or how they did it. A certain hand seal and a smiling look at the abdomens of the Elders were more than enough to shut them all up, since the memory of Orochimaru's continued anal incontinence was too fresh. So they quietly allowed the women to move the houses back to where they ought to go, and rejoin them to the foundations by means that no one particularly wanted to figure out.

For obvious reasons, even before that incident, the Uchiha and Hyuuga Clans had been less than pleased at the two women's very close friendship. That lasted until the two managed to scar the souls of enough of the two clans for eternity (by assorted means) and became subject to various peace offerings in the form of clan heirs. Breaking logic and all reason enough to have an Eternal Kaleidoscope Sharingan and its Byakugan counterpart (previously a nursery legend) without transplant, other augmentation, etc. was quite enough to entitle the two to whatever males form their respective clans they wanted. Assassination attempts on them and their buddy Kushina to try to stop the madness that followed them like a miasma wherever they went tended to go… poorly, to say the very least.

Please note that Neji had only been forced into the fully applied Caged Bird Seal AFTER Hitomi went missing during the Uchiha Massacre (and wasn't that a doozy in terms of rumours about the Hyuuga-Uchiha relations…). Hizashi had died years ago, and Hiashi's influence without his wife's overpowering might wasn't enough to protect his possible eldest, despite Hinata's insistence on calling him "big brother" being genetically 100% accurate. If Hiashi had been present at Team 7's meeting, he would likely have thrown his backing behind Sasuke's cause, because unless Hitomi really had taken Mikoto out, finding Mikoto meant finding his wife. On the other hand, it might also mean the Hyuuga would need half a new compound once she finished punishing the Main House for branding her eldest. Er, scratch that, maybe more than half, since Neji had gone full emo after and hated the Main-Branch separation to the point of hating Hinata. Some of Hitomi's insanity had been inherited by Neji, and it wasn't the good part as it hopefully would be for Hinata…

Then again given Hiashi and Hizashi had had a major fight over whose child Hitomi's first was, the insanity wasn't just from Mom. The agreement came after she gave them mild concussions by grabbing them by the head and shoving them together to knock the stupid out. It stated that if the firstborn looked more like the men, then it was (due to flipping a coin) Hizashi's, and if it looked more like her then it was Hiashi's. She hadn't counted on her going missing with the Uchiha Massacre and therefore Neji getting branded with the Caged Bird Seal just because of who his father was recorded as. As for who the fathers of Hitomi's first two children actually were respectively, well, given Hiashi had a tendency to secretly borrow Hinata's Icha-Icha collection, and Hizashi had been much more open about such things… none of them knew.

As for the paddle the males' father had bought Hitomi to punish Hiashi with for activating his angry twin's Curse Seal even momentarily, it had been used to assist three Elders in ascending to the afterlife as quick as they seemed to be asking for. This was after Hitomi checked and ascertained that Neji's first seal was of the juvenile and less harmful variety. They didn't have the balls to even think of trying to put the full seal on the kid until after her disappearance. Hiashi still shuddered at the possible consequences of his wife returning and finding her firstborn marked. Perhaps the entire group of Hyuuga Elders and Hiashi himself would be forced to try to imitate Orochimaru's hunt for a solution to impaired chakra network (AKA crippled soul) type anal incontinence. Why the man hadn't just resigned himself to investing in diapers was beyond Hiashi's understanding.

AHEM, perhaps the records folks might stop yapping (and laughing) about who stuck their dick in who (and other shitty topics) and actually narrate history that actually mattered on even a local level?

Er… yes… so, where were we?


Contact Day +4, Morning of March 29, 12 Years A9, 75 PWC (Post-Warring Clans)

"No, Kakashi, you have a team full of head cases." She very carefully avoided the fact that Kakashi and Gai were more nuts than the average ACU pilot, probably because they got into the business younger. "And I don't want to inform the pink one of how such an exotic hair colour might get her kidnapped by a crazy tourist to try to use as a trophy, or at least steal some of her tissue to make clones with. I ESPECIALLY do not wish to tell her the fact that Cybran ACU pilots interpret any settlement, planet, whatever that has gone nuts enough to start enslaving any significant fraction of their women as broodmares and commodities, as a good vacation assignment to purge."

Other than one case where it was the males being enslaved instead—that town had been nuts enough to go for the infamy of being first to do so—every single damned incident since the Quantum Age began where one group was enslaved was of females… or futanari (physiologically modified, usually starting from a female genetic template). Given the large proportion of Cybran ACU pilots, mostly female and futanari but with more than enough males among them, who started off as liberated sex slaves, well… "I don't think she can handle the thought of skinning rabid men alive for fun and scorching their souls while we are at it." Thankfully the UEF had taken care of their worst offenders themselves, and after Rhianne's exploiting Black Sun, slavery was now exceedingly socially stigmatized. Otherwise the Coalition would surely not have held together despite most of those who escaped Rhianne's Psionic blasting having been purged for siding with the Order of the Illuminate and QAI…

Kakashi just grunted as he approached the woman at a few more angles to… not just get his book back anymore, but to see what she was capable of. So far she was fending him off with only one hand, he wanted to see if she was good enough to keep the book in place enough for reading while fending him off with both hands. "I think it would be a good idea to expose Sakura to the horrors she might encounter in our profession early." Curses on how he couldn't use too much force lest the book be damaged…

"That's nice, but I'm going to help Kurenai's boyfriend first with his fan-girl infestation…" Hannah's avatar said while reading a certain orange-covered book with the other hand not occupied with staving off Kakashi's not-very-forceful efforts. It had been surprisingly easy to scan and then reclaim the book out from the man's pocket due to their very close proximity… and then fabricate it in her pocket, as a joke. The man didn't seem like he was trying too hard to get it back, for fear of annoying the ambassador, though he was basically repeatedly approaching from every direction and orientation he could as they moved through town toward Asuma's team's chosen training ground. He was probably trying to figure out how she'd seemingly teleported the book from his pocket, because it meant other things could be teleported too.

…Hmm…

…The plot of the literature was surprisingly good, despite the typical problems with a computer translator and utter failure of most idioms to transfer… and the erotica was quite good too. "Maybe someday, once this is translated into a language I can actually read smoothly, I can role-play some of these scenes with my husband… no ropes or chains though. The Cybran Nation would go nuts if anyone caught wind that their darling prodigy let one of the oldest living Aeon pilots tier her up."

Kakashi hummed, ceasing his efforts to regain his book "You don't look like a prodigy."

"Why would you say that?" She kept reading.

"You don't look at people like a prodigy. Iruka, Naruto's academy teacher and brother figure, explained to me once how he could recognize prodigies at a glance. Prodigies don't understand people, they don't understand others' emotions or motives. Not until they are quite old can they learn how people in general function. I agree with his assessment, because I was one, and looking back… he was completely right. It took me until I was twenty to even begin to understand what normal people might be thinking, and why they did the things they did."

"I'm twenty-seven."

"Perhaps, then… but with what you told us of how your wars are fought… I cannot see how you would have been forced into enough social interaction to learn to go through the motions, then learn enough psychology to start understanding people." Kakashi was eying how fast she was reading the book warily.

She shrugged as she flipped another page. "I treat war as just pixels on a screen, which might be why I can be really good at it while still being fairly normal socially. Of course after I racked up my first few megadeaths a lot of my old friends became a lot more distant, but that's understandable." Kakashi twitched at the translator reminding him of the term "megadeath" being casually used by the guest. "I had to put down more 'prodigies' of the type you were talking about than I could count."

And that's not counting the pro-QAI lot who weren't fanatical enough to be killed right away, but who instead got locked up in a simulation that was cut off from the Cybran Network at large, and died in the simulation as their bodies' lack of maintenance gave out on them without their minds ever realizing they were dying… even though they knew full well it was a simulation they willingly chose to be locked into. We Cybrans are no less foolish than the other factions, I suppose… She thought, not having any idea how ridiculous the irony in that thought was until later, MUCH later…

Hannah continued reading, with Kakashi strolling along waiting for her to return his book. Hannah could see this Jiraiya person making some good money in their cultural exchange if he could find a good translator. In a post-scarcity society, while still a metric of success, money, used to encourage people to actually do stuff and not cover planets with plush toys or something comparably stupid (not that it hadn't been done on a few barren worlds as jokes…), was a distant second to popularity/infamy. Thus trade would probably involve supplying mostly perishable goods the locals found valuable, to not crash any markets for, say, diamonds or other scarcity-dominated societies' valuable raw materials.

Eh, well, the occasional thing wouldn't hurt, so long as Kurenai pretended well enough that it was a glass ornamental gift instead of a diamond kunai.

That thought died with a mental screech as they came into line of sight of Asuma's team. "I only see one Genin here who looks like he could run a lap around the whole village and do more physical activity afterward." She grumbled as Asuma waved at them, and his Genin finally noticed the towering, armoured guest. Admittedly, Konoha was quite a large village, so that run was well over ten kilometers, but still…

Kakashi's eye narrowed at this reasonably accurate judgement "Chouji?"

"The overweight one, yes." Though her mind labelled him as, well, anyone who was familiar with the Coalition would know which specific unit most overweight males found the least amusing as a nickname. Chouji's eventual reaction upon learning what a Fatboy was, well, that was a later story. "Only he looks like he has the stamina and potentially hidden muscle needed to do that…" Suddenly she shoved the book at Kakashi, who had been expecting her to return it around this time, before yelling quite loudly enough to make him violently cover his ears, all three Genin jump, and Asuma twitch. "HOLY SHIT ARE THOSE EARRINGS?"

Kakashi had to remind himself that since it was an avatar, it could be louder than humans had any right being. The thought that this woman was the one now supplying Naruto with fresh vegetables—how the hell did they get grown that fast in that facility anyhow?—perhaps because they were similarly loud was too horrifying to think about for too long.

She detached her left arm armour, commenting to Kakashi "no point accidentally breaking her arm when checking for muscle tone after all…" The skin on her arm changed colour before Kakashi's eyes, to a dull mottled green-brown forest camouflage pattern "Hey, you obvious-looking people! You're in a mostly wooded country, aren't you? Where the hell is your summer camo? Failing that, since at least the boys look like they can fit in with a crowd with minimal effort and changes in outfit, young lady, why are you wearing such bright purple clothes? And I really hope those damned bandages don't go up too damned far!" She blared clear across the training field while strolling toward them. Kakashi had decided to stay on the other side to protect his hearing, and Asuma was looking increasingly like he wished he could get away with standing where Kakashi was if that volume was going to continue. Well, at least she probably wouldn't scar/scare them for life like Anko almost certainly would… He probably wouldn't have invited Kurenai's friends to help him if it had been a matter of Anko or Yugao… because either one would probably kill his Genin faster than helping them.

"Wow, she's rude." The blonde girl grumbled.

"And huge." Chouji observed.

Ino huffed "Chouji, that there could be taken as rude given your clan's interpretation of huge."

Chouji glared at his teammate "You of all people should be familiar with Akimichi techniques! And look at Asuma-sensei next to her!" Admittedly, some of it was probably the armour, but Asuma Sarutobi at 191 centimeters (plus shoe thickness) was still somewhat shorter than the armoured woman. The only reason they were sure it was a woman was because of the armour, which they recognized from when Kurenai and the foreign diplomat came to pick up Team 8.

Ino rolled her eyes at his sensitivity on the matter "Yeah, yeah, I know…"

Unfortunately, their jokes were severely underestimating the person Asuma had brought to do the nagging aspect of his duties as Jonin-sensei.


Forecast, sometime a couple decades down the road…

"We were under the impression something along the lines of 'call us Legion, for we are many' would be more suitable than… whatever obscure reference 'Shino' is." The Geth platform said, miming scratching its head as many organics of various species tended to do when confused, perhaps to stimulate blood flow to the scalp and the head in general…

"Well, then, Legion is a good name, I suppose, Shino Aburame is a friend of our Aunt Hinata's. He has a special trait involving housing symbiotic insects that live within his body, and often communicates with his insects for consensus, so we thought a hive mind concept might be applied to you too" John (the most nondescript and common name his mother could think of) Shepard shrugged.

Legion had a bad feeling about this, as if hearing it would make the Salarian goddess claim the Geth fabricated look like nothing in comparison. Legion would be very dismayed to find he was right to have this sudden impression. Then he chose to voice the results of his internet search anyways.


A/N: By the way the Chunin Exams were (I heard) on July 1 in the anime, usually a bit later but the 3rd wanted to move it up a bit. I could see Naruto getting impatient after 9 months as a Genin, but I think I'm going to give him a pretty packed schedule before Kakashi snaps and shoves him in just to open his anti-reading eyes a bit.

I can't wait until we get to dealing with human trafficking (cough Land of Waves in a few months cough), among other things, and start talking about how the Coalition deals with slavers, and the demand side too… very, very terminally (see the UEF Slave Owner Purge partly mentioned in passing previously, conducted in significant part by a group of relatively zealous UEF ACU pilots). Contact with the Citadel Races will be hilarious in terms of "Yes, we just did a genocide of about half the Batarian species and put the rest under our jurisdiction, what of it? Might makes right after all…"

Oh, and I can't wait until a certain someone (Tenten) finds out that hairstyle preferences tend to last through reincarnations.

Anyone who doesn't realize what Impure World Resurrection implies for Coalition resurrection tech (if we combine the two)…

REVIEW PLEASE!