Alec took a deep breath before unlocking Magnus's apartment door. He remembered the day that Magnus had finally caved in and fixed it. It was something he had done for Alec's peace of mind, not his own, and Alec knew it. He also remembered the day that Magnus had given him a key. That was a good day. The mere fact that he had not gotten rid of the key and that it still resided in his wallet and easily accessible should have clued him in on the fact that this was bound to happen. But Alec was finally coming to the conclusion that he was an idiot when it came to anything to do with Magnus.
He walked in uninvited to see Magnus asleep on the couch. He supposed he should have seen that coming; Magnus was rarely awake before noon, and it was only 10. Alec took this chance to really look at the man. His hair was longer than he remembered, though only slightly. He still had that agelessness about him, though Alec thought that might have been because he knew Magnus was ageless. It was strange seeing him now, looking younger than himself. Alec didn't like it. Maybe if he had spent the last 12 years at Magnus's side instead of Chris's, the difference wouldn't be so obvious to him. Maybe he would see Magnus as older, the way he had when they had met.
Alec wanted this, wanted the man on the couch asleep. He wanted to wake him up and tell him that he loved him and wouldn't be such an idiot again. But even he knew that would be a lie.
Magnus woke up, stretching his limbs off the arms of the couch. He saw Alec standing there, staring at him, and felt his heart stutter. Hope was such a dangerous drug, and Magnus was well aware of that fact, but he gave in to it in that moment.
"Alec, you're here," he said sleepily. The younger man nodded.
"Yeah, I am," Alec responded, losing every bit of confidence that he had gained in the last decade. Running a hand through his hair Magnus asked,
"Why?" That was the question, wasn't it? Why was Alec there? To run back into Magnus's arms as every inch of his body wanted him to? Or to tell him that the kiss was a mistake and go back home and grovel to Chris for the kids' sake? Why did Alec always have to pick between his family and love? As Alec went through that thought process, tears formed in his eyes. This wasn't fair, but this time, it was all his fault.
Magnus sat up and looked at Alec, not sure if he was allowed to help him. He wanted to. Magnus saw that Alec was no longer 18, but it didn't register in his brain. He still saw Alexander as the teenaged Shadowhunter who took a chance on him, who thanked him for what he had done for so many other Nephilim without a word. Seeing Alec cry like this brought back memories of the night that his brother died. Magnus had held him in his arms as Alec's world came crashing down.
"I don't know," Alec said through the tears, "I don't know what I'm doing here." Alec sat down on the floor and decided to take a deep breath.
"Alexander, are you okay," Magnus asked. Alec smiled at the use of his full name. He still wouldn't let anyone else call him that, even after more than a decade.
"No, no I am not, but that doesn't matter, does it? I'm not the one who is going to get hurt in this situation, no matter what I decide," he answered. It was then that both men knew what Alec was going to do. He was going to hurt the least number of people, even if it wasn't what he wanted. This time, he was going to be selfless.
Magnus sighed, got up and sat down next to Alec. To his surprise, Alec laced their fingers together.
"It's okay, Alec. I get it," he said, not meaning the first part in the least.
"This isn't like before. I have so much more to lose," Alec whispered. Magnus nodded his head.
"I know; it's okay," he said. They both sat there in silence, playing with each others' fingers. Neither knew how long they were like that, comfortable in the way they were together, but lost in their own thoughts.
"You'd love Ash," Alec said after awhile.
"Yeah?" Magnus replied. Alec nodded.
"She reminds me a lot of you, actually. So flashy no one wants to take her seriously. I've already seen that be a demon's mistake. He was laughing at her one second and dead the next.
"Sounds a bit like Jace," Magnus said. Alec laughed. It was the kind of laugh that lead to ugly tears and hurting sides. It was the kind of laugh that, despite the harsh side effects, was contagious, and Magnus soon got caught up in it as well.
"I don't want to lose this," Alec whispered, mostly to himself, once they both calmed down.
"You don't have to," Magnus said just as quietly. Alec sighed.
"None of this is fair, to anyone, but mostly to my kids. Chris and I's kids. Their mother hates me and I've just given her reason to. By the Angel, I'm an idiot," he thought out loud. Magnus wasn't sure if it was possible for him to feel even more like shit.
"Blame me," the words forcing themselves out of Magnus's mouth without his permission. Alec looked over at him wide-eyed.
"What?"
"Blame me. Make this all my fault. If I hadn't chosen to find you, none of this would have happened and you would still be at home with your," Magnus paused before saying the next word, forcing himself to remain calm, "husband."
Alec continued to stare at him in shock. Though it was undoubtedly the obvious solution, he had never even considered it.
"No," he said, "this is as much my fault as yours, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise." Magnus nodded.
"You aren't picking me, are you?" Magnus's voice sounded so broken that Alec wanted to cry again, but his words took him back to Edom, back to when Alec was willing to do anything so long as he didn't lose Magnus. If he was being honest with himself, if it wasn't for the kids he wouldn't even hesitate to choose the man sitting next to him.
"Ash and Rory..." was all he said in response to the question. He leaned over and kissed Magnus on the cheek. "I'm sorry," he said as he stood up and walked out the door.
Chris blinked at the noonday sun, shocked that he had gotten no sleep. He looked over at Rory who had thankfully drifted off at some point in the long night. He got up and almost made to wake up Ashleigh only to be reminded that his daughter was not there. He had not lied the night before; he was not worried that Ashleigh would be harmed. She was fully capable of defending herself, and Chris knew that Alec loved her more than anything else and would let nothing happen to her. He was not worried about her, but that did not stop him from wanting her there with him. She was still his daughter.
When his stomach growled, he realized that he had not eaten since seeing Chrisalai. As he made his way to the kitchen to make himself some food, he heard the front door open. He wasn't sure if he was happy or disappointed when it was Alec who walked into the house. Alone.
"Why are you here?" He forced himself to ask. Where numbness had been the day before there was only anger and pain now. Alec flinched at the emotion in Chris's voice.
"We need to talk," he whispered. Chris noted, to his surprise, fear in the way that Alec held himself. His fingers were playing with the wedding ring and he was bouncing from foot to foot. Alec was afraid of him, of his reaction. That alone made Chris nod his head and move out of his husband's way. They were still married, after all.
"I know that you probably haven't slept, but please tell me you ate something," Alec said, still the protective caretaker. Chris ran a hand through his hair, and Alec sighed at the action. "Let me make you breakfast."
"I was about to make something," Chris started but was quickly interrupted by Alec saying,
"Shut up. You can barely make toast without burning the house down." Knowing that it was pointless to argue, Chris let Alec into the kitchen and sat at the table.
This was all too normal. Alec making breakfast as Chris watched and the kids slept. Was this not how they had started almost every morning for the last 10 years? This was much too easy for this situation.
When the food was done and both men were seated and eating, the awkwardness settled in again.
"What do you want, Alec?" Chris asked just to break the silence. Alec sighed.
"To figure this out," he answered the question. Chris tilted in head in confusion. He had been bringing a fork to his mouth, but Alec's words caught him off guard.
"Figure what out? You left last night," he said.
"Yes, I did. And last night, I heard Ash crying outside my door while Will Herondale comforted her. I don't ever want to do that to her again," Alec said, perfectly aware that he mentioned nothing of his and Chris's relationship.
"Alexander, what are you suggesting?"
It had been decades since Magnus Bane had last lost control of his magic. It had been so long since his emotions were more powerful than his carefully created facade of calm. But the moment Alec quietly closed the door to his loft, Magnus felt everything explode around him. There was now food splattered on the walls and furniture in pieces on the floor. There was priceless artwork shattered into dust that coated the rest of the mess. Doors slammed themselves open and windows plummeted shut. If Magnus had not long ago soundproofed his apartment, he was sure that the noise would have caused his neighbors to call the cops. Yes, that would have been a fun explanation. I'm sorry, officer, my ex-boyfriend from a decade ago just stopped by and I happened to fall apart like the teenager I look like. I assure you, I can clean this all up in a few minutes. No, there's no reason to put me in psychiatric care.
In the past, this is where he would have called Catarina and have her nurturing instincts guide him back to sanity, but he couldn't do that this time. Catarina had, on Magnus's request, befriended the shadowhunter boy. They were close now, and Magnus did not want to force his oldest living friend to pick sides in the mess that he had caused.
He thought for a second about calling Jace, then mentally slapped himself. There was no universe in which Jace Herondale would help the man that had hurt his parabatai the most. Jace and Magnus had a lot of things in common, the most important being their love of Alec Lightwood. And at that thought, the mess in Magnus's room started floating. That was not Alec's name anymore. Magnus realized that he did not know Alec's last name and his heart hurt at that.
Alexander Lightwood would not break his heart. It broke Magnus to realize that he had been right after all.
The next day, there was a mattress bought and placed in a corner of the library in the Shadowwood household. Ashleigh's music was blasting from her room. It hurt her to see her parents so distant with each other, but it was better than nothing, she supposed. Rory was back at the Institute training the Herondale children. He avoided the library for weeks after the events of those two days. He couldn't stand to be in the room that his whole life changed in.
Chris wasn't sure what he was expecting, keeping Alec in his life. But it was not this. It was not cold distance. He hated it, he hated it so much that he almost asked Jace for Magnus Bane's address just so he could ask the warlock to make his husband happy again. Almost. But he didn't. Alec made his choice, and now he would have to live with it.
Alec knew Chris only let him stay because of the kids. That's fine, he thought. They were the only reason that he came back in the first place. It occurred to him out of nowhere once everything was said and done that he had turned out just like his father.
I am a terrible person, and I am well aware of that. However, it is finally finished. Yay. The way that I had originally planned on taking this had changed as a result of a few things in my life, so that is why this took so long. Sorry for that. Thank you so much for reading, comments are very much appreciated and if I can reply to them, I shall. I love you all,
Starlight.
