Disclaimer: I do not own SPN.

A/N: I am SO sorry that it has been forever and a day since I have last posted. I have been so incredibly busy lately...BUT alas. Here it is. I know you all will be very angry with me. But you can blame my friend Abby Johnson because she gave me the idea for the way this story will end. :D Enjoy!

Dean stared out the window unseeing, the same way he did every day. Sam sighed and sat down next to him. "It wasn't your fault, Dean. There was no way for you to know."

Dean shook his head. "I should have known. I know Cas. I know how he is. Or…I did. This is on me. This should never have happened. I should have forgiven him."

Sam continued to talk, but Dean easily tuned him out. He had gotten really good at doing that. His mind was focused on what had happened to Cas, the way it always was since it happened. It was all his fault what had happened to the love of his life. If only he had gotten over his stubbornness and just forgiven the man, none of it would have happened.

"Sam…just stop. You've been saying the same things to me for years now. You've been trying to convince me that it wasn't my fault for thirty years. Don't you think it's about time to give it a rest? You know I stopped listening to you years ago."

Sam nodded and stood. "You're right. You're hopeless. I have to get going anyway. It's Tommy's first soccer game for the year and I promised I would be there."

Dean chuckled half-heartedly. "Go wish him luck for me, grandpa."

He was left alone to his solitude the way he was every day. Sam liked to stop over every other day for about an hour or so to try and talk some sense into him or just sit with him in silence. Dean didn't do much talking anymore. His thoughts were otherwise occupied. There were rare days when he left the house to go visit Ben and family, but that happened less and less as the days went on. He knew he dragged them down with his sadness. He didn't want that. He wanted those he loved to be happy. He was the only one who deserved to suffer.

He remembered that day like it had been yesterday. Every day of the rest of his life, that day had played over and over in his mind like a broken record. No matter what he did, his life had been rebalanced to revolve around that one day. That was the day he had lost his soul mate. And it was all his fault.

SPN

Dean shook his head, walking out of the room. Cas was right on his heels. "Cas, I said get the hell out of here.

"Dean, please! We need to talk about this. I have things I need to say."

"I don't give a damn about what you need to say. You didn't have anything to say back at your mom's house in front of your entire family, so why should you say anything now? What's changed? From where I'm standing, the only thing that changed was that Ben was kidnapped, I went missing for a while, and then suddenly returned without my memory. That gives you the perfect opportunity to start fresh with me and pretend like you didn't really screw things up."

Cas couldn't stop the tear that leaked from his eye. "It was my fault. I shouldn't have froze the way I did. I was surprised, but I don't have an excuse for my behavior. I just want you to forgive me. I love you, Dean. I want to be with you."

Dean looked the other way, not meeting his eyes. After a few seconds of tense silence, Dean closed his eyes and whispered. "Get out."

Cas snapped his jaw together tight so it didn't tremble and walked away. He made his way down the stairs and through the house silently, trying to stave off the rest of the tears he knew were coming. He didn't want to break down until he was at his apartment in privacy.

Sam and Ben silently watched him walk out of the house. They briefly looked at each other before Sam stood and walked upstairs. He found Dean alone in his room, his fists clenched tightly.

"Dean…?"

"You knew, didn't you?"

Sam took another step into the room. "Knew what?"

"You know damn well what I'm talking about Sam. You knew what happened before I went to get Ben back. You knew the reason I was back early. You didn't say a damn thing and kept bringing him around pretending that nothing had happened. You kept saying you wanted me to remember what happened, but did you really?"

Sam's lips parted while he thought of what to say. "Dean…he's sorry for what happened. He really is. You should have seen him while you were gone. He was beside himself. Wait…you remember..?"

Dean turned and looked at his little brother. "Yeah, I remember everything, Sam. It all came back to me. I don't remember what Dad did to me or anything that happened in that time frame, but I remember everything up until the point where I left the go get Ben back. That includes what he did."

"Dean…that man loves you. And you love him. Why are you going to let something like this get in the way of your happiness? You two belong together. Why are you just throwing that away?"

"Throwing it away? You think I'm throwing it away? He humiliated me. He betrayed me. He is the one who threw it away and then tried to pick it back up like nothing had happened at all. After everything with Lisa…I thought that I could be happy. I thought that I had found that, but apparently I was wrong. Apparently I'm not meant to be happy. Apparently, my fate is to be screwed over by those I love."

Dean turned his back to Sam and ran a hand through his hair. "Just go back downstairs and tell Ben everything's fine. Tell him I got my memory back and everything will be fine. I'll go back to work tomorrow and life will go on. Without Cas."

SPN

Dean sat in his office staring at his laptop. Work was going very slowly. With everything that had happened, business was slow. He was worried they may not be able to stay afloat much longer unless something drastic was done to bring business back the way it had been before everything had happened.

Over the next week, Dean goes about his life the way he did before everything went to hell. Minus Cas. He allowed himself to get sucked down into work-mode and not concentrate on anything else besides Ben. His family knew better than to bring up Cas around him, but he frequently found them huddled together discussing something secretive.

He knew they were trying to come up with a way to get them back together. He also knew that it wasn't going to happen. He didn't think he was deserving of love anymore. After Lisa and then Cas…? There was nothing left of himself to give to another person besides Ben.

One night, Cas walked into the bar. Sam looked up from his phone, his eyes going wide. "Cas! What are you doing here?"

Cas swallowed and walked over to the bar. "I need to talk to him."

Gabe frowned. "I don't know if that's such a good idea, Cas. He's been in a bit of a mood ever since he got his memory back."

Cas nodded, looking Gabe in the eye. "I need to talk to him, Gabriel. I have to try to explain myself again. Where is he? I saw the Impala outside, so I know he's here."

Sam sighed, shaking his head. "He's in his office working on next month's budget."

Cas nodded once again and moved towards the back. His nerves were rising with every step he took. He had a very bad feeling about what was about to happen, but he couldn't just let it drop and forget that Dean meant the world to him. He couldn't just let it all go. He needed to speak with him at least one more time, give it another shot.

The door to his office was closed. He knew that meant Dean was trying to concentrate on what he was doing. If it wasn't important, he usually left the door open for anyone to meander in to talk when it was slow.

He raised his fist and knocked lightly twice. A muffled voice responded for him to come in. It was now or never. Cas took a deep breath and opened the door.

Dean was looking down at his desk, writing out numbers in his budget book. He hadn't bothered to look up when the door opened. That also told Cas that he was in the middle of something important.

Cas stood there awkwardly for a moment before quietly clearing his throat. Dean looked up at the noise and froze. Cas could see the neutrality of his posture vanish as soon as their eyes locked.

"Cas. What are you doing here?"

Cas swallowed roughly before taking another step inside and closing the office door. "We need to talk, Dean. It's been over a week and I haven't heard from you. I know that you're very angry and you have every right to be, but-."

"But what, Cas? You betrayed me. You embarrassed me. Then you lied to me and had my family lie to me. How do you expect me to react to that?"

Cas nodded, trying to hold his feelings in check. "I understand that, Dean. I really do. All I'm asking for is another chance. I want to make it up to you somehow. I want things to be the way they were. I love you, Dean. I want to be with you."

"It sure didn't seem like it back at your mom's house. From where I stood, it looked like you were horrified of what you were hearing."

"Yes, I was. But not in the way you are obviously thinking."

Dean stood up, crossing his arms over his chest. "Really? And what way am I thinking?"

Cas took another hesitant step towards the desk. "You're thinking that I was horrified for Ben. That you would do something to him." There was a flash of pure anger in Dean's eyes. "But I know you, Dean. That wasn't what I was thinking at all. I was horrified for you. That someone could ever do something like that to you. I love you, Dean. I can't even think about anything bad happening to you without becoming horrified or potentially ill. I want nothing but the absolute best for you. I always have and I always will, no matter how far away you push me. You can never speak to me again and I will still love you and I will still want the very best for you. I know that Ben is safe with you. You have gone through hell and back for him. Even without that happening, I know that he is in good hands, the very best hands. Please, Dean…"

Dean shook his head, looking away from Cas. "You're saying all the right things, but how can I believe you? How can I trust you again?"

Dean looked back at Cas, his eyes pleading. "You broke my heart, Cas. You were the first person I really opened up to and let into my life since Lisa. I gave everything I have in me to you. Everything was going perfectly until we went to Chicago and I met your brother. I may be overreacting here, but this is how I feel, Cas. You know what I've been through. You know how hard it is for me to open up to anyone. For me to completely open myself up to you and then be completely embarrassed and betrayed in that way in front of your entire family with you just standing there staring at me…I don't know if I could ever trust you again."

Cas' lip quivered. "Okay. Then I guess all that's left for me to say is that I really do love you, Dean, and I wish you the very best. I want you to at least consider giving me a chance. I understand that it would take time, but…just consider it, okay?"

Dean took in a deep breath and blew it out. "I'll think about it, but I'm not giving you any promises. I don't want you thinking that this is me giving in and just letting it all go. There's only a slight chance I'll give you the opportunity to make things right between us and if I do, it'll be after a lot of careful thinking. I can't promise anything."

Cas nodded, a tiny spark of hope igniting in his eyes. "I know that, Dean. I understand. Just...don't give up on us so easily."

Dean's brow raised. "Easily? You think this is easy for me? Jesus Christ, Cas. I'm in love with you. You really think that I want to be apart? You really think that I want to deal with all of this or even think about it? You really think that I want to be miserable and lonely when I could be with you? If you seriously think that this is easy for me, then you can go screw yourself. I have work to do."

Dean sat back down behind his desk and stared at his laptop angrily.

"Dean, I didn't mean-."

"Save it, Cas. I don't want to hear it."

Cas nodded slowly. "Okay."

SPN

Cas had left Dean's office after that. Dean had been so angry with him. Looking back on it, Dean regretted the words he'd spoken to him. If only he'd known what he did now. If only he'd known that he would only see Cas one more time…he would have chosen different words.

Anyone have any ideas about what may or may not happen? Any thoughts? How did you like the chapter? Review please! :)