John stood staring at Maddie, wanting to drop to his knees and hug her to apologize for not being there for her; not getting to see her first step, her first word, her first anything and to promise to never leave her again. But he couldn't do any of that, not until Joss confirmed it, even if he knew she was his daughter in his heart. Her tears raised indescribable and unexplainable feelings in him earlier, now they made sense if she was his. John tore his eyes off the beautiful little girl before him and landed on Joss, so damn scared to hope it was true, that she was his, that his longing for a child of his own had come true; because believing Maddie was his and then learning she wasn't would shatter him and he would have no hope of piecing himself back together. John saw the truth radiating in Joss's big brown eyes and he felt like he was punched in the solar plexus, sucking in a ragged breath as he fought for his steely control. John turned to look away from them, concealing his turbulent feelings, and forced himself to remain in his cover…barely.
"I'm going to escort Joss and Maddie back to their cabin to make sure Maddie is alright after her slip and fall, Sam, if you don't mind," he stated rigidly, not asking: letting her know he wasn't in the mood for her lip service. He hoped that neither Shaw nor the Wixoms heard the hitch in his voice.
Shaw eyed him, then Joss, and then the little girl and back at him. Her eyes narrowed on him as if she was trying to figure out a puzzle without the picture, but she was smart and she would put it together if given enough time too.
"Sure, I'll just hang out with Selma and Nigel," Shaw agreed slowly, not giving anything away. Lucky for him they were in the presence of the Wixoms or he was sure Shaw would be less congenial than she was at the moment.
Selma grabbed at her chest with a sappy smile. "Oh John, you really are such a gentleman," she said, but John didn't spare her a glance because his eyes were back on Joss and Maddie. Joss had straightened up and they stared at each other. "OOH! I have a wonderful idea!" Selma burst out in happiness clasping her hands together as Nigel wrapped an arm around her waist, causing both he and Joss to jump as they guiltily looked away from each other and gave Selma their undivided attention. Well, most of his attention because Joss breathed near him so he was having a hard time fully focusing on anyone besides her and Maddie that was peering up at him. "Joss, we are having dinner with John and Sam tonight, how about you and Maddie join us?!" Selma invited sweetly.
Joss and John shared a glance. "Oh I don't want to intrude on the happy newlyweds," Joss protested. Oh hell no, how could that happen! This was torture, just standing here with John and having to pretend to not know who he was, but an entire meal pretending she didn't know John? An entire meal pretending he wasn't the father of her daughter, that she didn't know him intimately or that he was ticklish if you rubbed your hands teasingly just above his hipbones? Or that she didn't know that he ducked his head when he shared something personal, and wasn't the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with?—nope, just no way.
"Please, the more the merrier Joss and we're buying." Nigel added sweetly. Joss felt backed into a corner and her daughter didn't help matters with wanting to go.
"Mommy, I wanna go and eat with John! Please, Please, PLEASE!" Maddie begged as she bounced on the balls of her feet as she pleaded with her.
Selma grinned. "Ah come on 'mom,' how can you say no to that cute little face?" Selma asked with a laugh. Maddie, in turn, pouted for her as if she wasn't irresistible before! "It seems like your daughter is smitten with magician John."
Joss fought the urge to say: 'no Maddie was smitten with her father', but Selma didn't know and she couldn't take out her frustration on the nice woman so Joss faked a cheerful smile. "Sure, we'll go, Maddie," she agreed helpless to resist her daughter. Her daughter felt the bond to John and she wasn't going to stand in the way of it.
"YAAAAY!" Maddie cried in sheer jubilation.
"How about we go to the Luminae, they offer a wide range of cuisines for any palette including that of a young lady?" Nigel suggested.
Joss nodded. "Yea, Maddie and I ate their last night and they even made a small pizza for Maddie. Sounds perfect."
"I'll call to reserve us a table for seven," Selma assured everyone.
"Thanks! Maddie, say goodbye to the nice people, baby," Joss instructed as she took the My Little Pony beach towel from her daughter, slinging it over her forearm.
"Bye-bye people," Maddie said waving at them before grabbing Joss's hand. Then she stopped abruptly and ran back and gave John a big hug around his legs as she was small or he was too tall. 'Thank you for making my boo-boo better," she said softly, matching blue eyes staring at each other.
John swallowed hard as if the child had reached inside his chest and just took his heart from him before he forced his gaze away and looked at Shaw, who looked back at him in kind, both realizing they were going to have to embrace in some way to make this farce of a marriage look real. John awkwardly leaned down to hug Shaw as Maddie refused to let go of him.
"You are going to tell me what the fuck is going on," Shaw snapped in his ear as she patted his butt for effect.
"Later," he agreed in a tight whisper. They parted from the hug and he turned seeing the look on Joss's face but he couldn't even find satisfaction in her jealous gaze because his eyes fell onto Maddie who finally let go of him to slide a hand into his.
"Shall we?" he murmured as Joss grabbed a hold of Maddie's other hand firmly.
Joss pasted on a smile. "We shall," she agreed.
John swallowed hard as something thick lodged in his throat as they walked hand-in-hand-in-hand. It felt so natural to hold one of Maddie's small hands while Joss held the other as they walked together slowly; so domesticated, so right. They headed to the elevators walking with an excited Maddie chattering at them. They all squeezed into the glass elevator to head down to Deck 10 where Joss's cabin was at in one of the nice Royal Suites.
"Friends of mine got me the cabin," she admitted, filling in the silence when her daughter quietened up, taking a breath between stories she was telling them. Joss wasn't ready to reveal to John that her friends were his friends too. One bombshell at a time!
He nodded as they exited the elevator, they approached her cabin number which was also aft of the ship, but port side close to the elevators. They stopped in front of the door just gently looking at each other while listening to Maddie's tale at the pool, which included John's magic healing.
Joss fumbled in her pocket to tug out her sea-pass feeling nervous, really nervous to the point of nausea. She knew they needed to talk but this wasn't how she had been envisioning telling John about Maddie. First their reunion after nearly five years had gone way differently than she ever thought possible. And now all her musings on how she'd break it to John about Maddie went up in smoke because he learned while in front of three virtual strangers and was forced to stay mum about it the entire time.
John gently took the sea pass from her and swiped it for her, which she was grateful of. She pushed the door open and their daughter tried tugging them both inside with her. "Would you like to come in?—hero John?" she asked in polite pleasantry, knowing for damn sure he was going to come in and want to talk.
"He does mommy! He does, he does!" Maddie answered trying hard to tug John with her and John squeezed her small hand softly.
"Maddie, we don't answer for John," she reprimanded. Maddie in turn turned to look at him expectantly.
"I would like to come in and talk with you and your mommy some more," he agreed softly, making the small girl pleased. They let Maddie tug them inside with her before she let go of their hands to run for the couch and coffee-table where a fruit platter sat.
Joss shut the door with eyes on locked in on John's fine behind as he stood in between her and their daughter. She flicked a quick glance at their baby girl before cringing as Maddie sat on the nice beige couch in her wet bathing suit but it was only water, it would dry out.
Maddie grabbed a strawberry from the fruit platter that was set there earlier by Don. "You like strawberries?" John asked.
Maddie looked up as she nodded her head vigorously while she ate. "I love strawberries. Mommy said I'm just like my daddy." she said with a mouthful of strawberry and John looked at Joss as she came to step up beside him rather than ogle his ass. She helplessly shrugged before nodding towards the veranda.
"Maddie, do not speak while eating, you can choke," she chided their daughter who nodded solemnly. "How about watching a movie before we head out for dinner?" she suggested and Maddie began bouncing on the couch in agreement. John was quiet just watching them as she got a cartoon movie that would keep their daughter's attention so they could have a conversation on the veranda. "Maddie, mommy and John are going to talk out on the veranda," she said. Her baby nodded but paid no attention to the adults as the movie's credits came on.
Joss looked at John and motioned for him to follow her. They exited out onto the veranda and she closed the door, setting Maddie's beach towel on the patio table, before positioning herself so she could keep an eye on their daughter but looked at John.
"She's mine isn't she?" he asked the immediate moment they were out of Maddie's earshot.
"Yes, she's your daughter. She was born on December 20th 2011 at eight forty-three in the evening via C-section, and her full name is Madeline Rae Carter which will be changed to Reese." Joss said and John turned to look at their daughter through the glass. She didn't bother to add that she would legally add his name onto her birth certificate too. That went without saying.
"She's beautiful like her mother," he said thickly.
Joss kind of felt bad for John. She didn't know what it felt like to be told that you had a child that you didn't know about and to find out in such a way. She reached out grabbing his hand, pulling his gaze off Maddie and onto her. Her eyes searched his, watching them darken at the simplest touch between them but they still radiated happiness and pain.
"I'm sorry, John, I tried to search for you to tell you about her but I never got your last name. I looked at all the airports leaving about the time of your flight and with your name being so common…" she trailed off.
When John didn't say anything she gathered herself and continued on, "And then the pregnancy had thrown me for a loop, Maddie was hard on me. She enjoyed making her mommy sick in the womb," Joss said with a wry smile.
"I'm sorry you were alone," he whispered as he shook his head guiltily. "It's my fault why you were."
"You didn't know John." she murmured gently as she reached out turning him so she could hold both his hands so that they were facing each other fully. She longed for the right to press her lips to his whenever and wherever she pleased. Maybe in time she would be granted that but right now all she could do to comfort him was hold and squeeze his hands in an effort to soothe the swirling emotions she could see in those ever expressive eyes he had. "My birth control pill came under recall but too little too late because I wasn't made aware of the fact that the dosage required to prevent me from conceiving was well below what I received. I learned that about two months after getting pregnant with her. At the urging of my family I sued and the company compensated me quite well and our daughter's college is all paid for."
John felt relieved, college was expensive. He shifted his eyes off Joss as he felt like he was drowning in her with no life vest; she was the woman he couldn't stop thinking about. He couldn't stop thinking about her gentle soul that spoke to his, nearly making him believe in kindred spirits. She made him rethink about a lot of things he didn't believe in at first; soul-mates, love at first sight. He never believed in either until this woman and that had left him unsettled for a very long time, still did if he was honest. He kept telling himself that they only had one night, that it took much longer than one night to fall in love; kept telling himself that Joss hadn't fallen for him in one night. They were sensible, they were middle-aged and both been hurt before.
But she was the woman that enraptured him from the start and now she was the woman that was the mother to his child. His child, his daughter, and he saw the top of Maddie's head as she watched the Spongebob Squarepants movie that he recognized from one of the many times he was over Harold and Grace's because Leila was in love with Spongebob. And while he knew that Maddie was unplanned he couldn't see her as a mistake, she was his daughter, and feelings surged up inside him as did tears of happiness stung the backs of his eyes.
Joss didn't know what he was thinking about but she wanted to give him a private moment to himself before she spoke again, "I didn't mean for you to learn about her in this way because I know you didn't have a chance to prepare or even wrap your brain around it. It's actually one of the reasons why I wanted to see you tonight because, yes, I want to know why you stayed away for so long but I wanted you to know about Maddie. She's your daughter," she admitted softly, which drew his gaze back to her. She saw something swimming in his gorgeous blue eyes saw how bright they were like he was doing everything he could not to cry. She prayed they were tears of happiness.
He didn't know what to say. He always wanted a child but he missed out on her life for so long. And he hated himself for it. It was his fault. Had he just gone to see her instead of letting his insecurities get the best of him; he'd have known his daughter. He would have spent more time with her and her mother.
"I'm sorry for failing you and Maddie," he whispered.
Joss squeezed his hands. "You didn't know John," she repeated.
He didn't know what to do with his feelings so he focused on his anger at himself as he pulled free, taking a couple steps back. "I might not have known but I could have had I just gone to see you one of the many times I was going too!" he said bitterly as he rubbed a hand through his hair. Joss felt her heart melt at the fact that he had been thinking about coming to find her. That was a very good thing. "But I didn't and I have to live with the fact that my inaction left my daughter fatherless for nearly five years," he went on without knowing how his words had excited her and she wanted to know why he hadn't come back but that was a topic of discussion when they were alone. She could wait, John needed a chance to take this all in. She knew telling him about Maddie was life changing, her daughter's feelings mattered more than her own and Maddie wanted her daddy so much which she would have once John had a chance to catch his breath.
"John hindsight is always twenty-twenty, you didn't know, and all we can do now is move forward," she reasoned. "I always felt that things happen for a reason. There must be a reason why we lived these last five years apart."
"I don't see it quite the way you do," he said softly.
"How do you see it then?" she challenged him. "Because if you are going to reiterate that you failed us because you stayed away for whatever reason then you should save your breath, I don't accept that. Things happen, we deal with them and then move on! You're here now, John," she stated before pinning him with a firm glance. "Did you forget?—I'm former Army Interrogator and almost a lawyer, so I can out argue you any day of the week!" She told half jokingly, half seriously.
He chuckled as he gave her one of his heart stopping smiles that lit his sexy face up. "I couldn't forget a thing about you if I tried," he whispered.
But she wasn't going to let him woo her with that smile that could make her weak in the knees or be charmed by that the soft-spoken statement that made her innards flip-flop. She had a point to drive home. "I'm right about this John, we can't go back in the past so we can only learn from it, live now, and look to the future," she said sternly, before softening up a bit as she smiled at him. "Case closed." she murmured.
"I object…."
Joss giggled. "You can't object when the case is closed, John. It's called: Lawyering 101," she teased, glad they found the humor they shared that evening of coffee, dinner, and then feasting on each other.
He ducked his head looking ever like the shy man she first met. "Give me a break, Joss, I've only seen a handful of episodes of Law and Order."
Joss's smile faded as she grew serious once more. "John, the only way you would ever have failed me and our daughter was learning about her and not caring," she said softly. "So do you?"
"Do I what?" he asked nonplussed.
"Do you care that you fathered a child?" she asked, needing to hear him say it even if she figured she knew the answer to this question. She had to be sure.
He looked affronted. "Of course I do. She's my daughter!" he said loudly. And she smiled with relief. Good, because now she had to tell her daughter that she found her daddy. "I want to get to know her and be in her life."
"That's good because Maddie has wanted you since the moment she can remember." she said as she took a step towards him, enjoying the warmth ebbing off him. "I told her that you were a good man and that you would come back to us when you could."
"You told her that?"
"Yes, because I believed that somehow, someway we would find each other again. You can't deny there is something powerful between us that drew us the very second we looked at each in The Bean," she said.
"No I can't."
Joss wanted to delve further into that but forced herself to keep on the discussion of their daughter. "And we'll talk more about that later. But right now I want to tell Maddie that you're her father that she has been longing for." she said as she reached a hand up resting it on his chest and she felt his heart racing nearly as fast as hers was.
Joss sidestepped him to go do as she said and he grabbed her wrist. "Wait, are you sure that's a good idea?" he asked.
"Yes, my daughter has lived without her father for long enough." she stated tersely and he flinched. She exhaled, immediately feeling bad. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that. But why wait?"
"I meant because we are going to be having dinner with Selma and Nigel Wixom, who we are trying to keep an eye on."
Joss paused. She hadn't thought about that. John was right it could get a little dicey. Maddie wouldn't understand at all and would announce it to the world that John was her daddy. "Maybe I could bow out," she said hesitantly.
"Maddie will be upset."
"Yea, but she'll be sidetracked with the fact that she has her daddy." Joss pointed out and smiled inwardly at John's look at being called that. God, was he the cutest man in the world.
He realized he liked being called 'Maddie's daddy.' John sighed; he had only known he was a father all of five minutes and he already wanted to hear Maddie call him that. "But I have to go to the dinner," he said.
"So?"
"If we tell Maddie this right now, do you think she'll let me go anytime soon?" he wondered sincerely.
Joss frowned. She knew the answer to that: hell no! John was going to be lucky if he could escape their room at all if she told Maddie he was her daddy right now. They were going to have to tell Maddie during a day when John could be away from his partner and the Wixoms for a while or closer to her bedtime so she could enjoy a few hours of daddy and then fall asleep.
"You're right, she won't let you leave. Our best time of telling her is at night about a couple hours before her bedtime," Joss admitted. "That way she'll fall asleep and you can slip out and get back to your cover and your cabin." Not that that idea was very good because she kind of didn't want him to slip out and head to his cabin he was sharing with his snarky little partner. She liked the idea of him staying the night and she'd let their daughter sleep on the couch or Maddie could have the bed and they'd spend the night on the couch.
Joss needed to cool herself down. She doubted she and John were going to have sex on the cruise. How, when he was pretending to be married to someone else and they have a four year old around?
"How about I get to know her as John until after this dinner tonight and we can tell her the truth some other night?" John suggested.
"I guess that will have to do," Joss sighed despondently because they had another obstacle in their way: the Wixoms, they were her next door neighbor too. She stared into his eyes. "I guess this postpones our dinner until tomorrow night."
"I guess it does," he agreed.
Joss nodded. "Maybe it's for the best. Demetrius told me about this wonderful babysitting amenity they offer but I looked into it and you need to give them a twenty-four notice."
"I'll ask Shaw and Donnelly to keep an eye on them while we have dinner and talk."
"Good, and John…."
"Hmmm?" he was growing antsy at going back inside and just being with his daughter more.
"What are the sleeping arrangements for you and your obnoxious partner Shaw?" Joss wondered innocently.
"One night I sleep on the couch and the next she does, that way there are no fights over the bed." he said with a shrug before looking at her perplexed. "Why?"
She smiled happy with the answer. "Just color me curious."
AN: Yep things are getting more and more complicated for John and Joss by the minute they still have to talk about their feelings, about what happened in the past and the ever present case that is throwing a monkey wrench in their plans of telling Maddie the truth :D Next chapter:
Ch 9: Confessions
Thanks for reading!
