I really need to stop making promises about update schedules. I clearly can not keep them. I'm sorry. You guys have been so great with the reviews and support, and here I am barely getting anything written for you. I really should try harder to be better about this.

Anyway, I don't want to say anything about this chapter beforehand because I don't want to spoil anything. Just please keep in mind this is rated Mature for more than just the sex. This is going to get a bit dark. Forewarning for you. In any case, Fairy Tail is not mine. Please support the official release of the show and manga.

Chapter 13: In Which He Just Couldn't Let Go

"You know, I've been thinking. Maybe you should tell Freed about us. After all, Evergreen and Laxus know about us now."

Bickslow looked up from the cotton candy he'd been eating, looking over at Lisanna. The moon seemed to frame her as she hugged her knees to her chest, sitting on the tiles of the roof they were currently hanging out on. Word had spread quickly about Laxus' fight with both Natsu and Gajeel, somehow becoming a festival in a matter of hours. It seemed the entire town was celebrating, and the two of them had decided there was no reason not to enjoy it themselves. He'd loaded down on snacks and they'd set themselves up on the highest building they could find to watch the festivities below while still having some privacy for them to just enjoy.

"You really think we should?" he asked. "I don't know. I don't think he'd even be interested. He's not much one for gossip."

"We're gossip now?" she asked with a giggle.

"No doubt we would be," he replied with a smirk.

"No doubt! No doubt!" his babies agreed happily.

"Well, I just thought he was your teammate so he might feel left out if he finds out later and that Evergreen and Laxus already knew," she explained.

"Ah, he'd probably be more wrapped up in the fact it wasn't Laxus who told him," he chuckled. "I can see your point though. You're okay with us sharing that?"

"I don't see the issue. Freed won't pummel me into the ground if he knew we were sleeping together, would he?"

"Of course not. He might get on my case though for disrespecting you though," he answered honestly.

"You're not disrespecting me," she assured him.

"Oh, I know that, but he wouldn't. Freed is just that kind of guy. He believes in the whole true love thing. You know, candle lit dinners, romantic atmosphere, roses and planning what furniture to get when you get married and start living life in that romantic bliss of finding your soul mate. All that junk," he said. "We tell him, he'll want to start planning wedding dates. If I tell him it's casual, he'd at least lecture."

"Mmm, well I don't want you to get in trouble," Lisanna admitted. "Maybe you're right. I just don't want him to feel left out if he does become aware."

"What? You think we'll get caught again?"

"Well, our track record isn't great," she reminded him with a laugh.

"Heh. Very good point."

He sat there and thought about it for a few minutes. Freed and his opinion on things like love were as different as night and day. It wasn't really for him, not the way Freed thought about it. He couldn't really see himself with a ring on his finger, getting a joint bank account and a king size bed, knowing he'd be waking up to the same person everyday. It wasn't even that Bickslow disliked the thought, he just knew he was too impossible to live with. What person in their mind would want to be with him for the rest of their lives?

Aside of course for his babies.

"I'm sorry," she said when he slumped over a bit, glaring out over the town. "It was a bad idea. I shouldn't have mentioned it."

"It's not that," he sighed. "I just… Nah, forget it. Town looks nice all lit up, don't it?"

"Bickslow?"

He sighed and looked away, unable to handle the way she looked at him with such open curiosity and worry in her eyes. God, looks like that just made him want to grab her and never let her go. That king of thinking though, was exactly the problem.

He was such a selfish asshole, and she'd already seen through him. Just how shallow could he get?

"I don't think there's much point in saying anything to him," he admitted. "He'd think it was more than what it was, and I don't want to have to explain this to anyone else. It's not even that I'm afraid of his reaction, but I don't want to put up with it. Evergreen is smart enough to leave it alone, and I guess Laxus is cool with how it is, but I don't… see he would… Ah, fuck. Look, it's just a bad idea."

"Okay. Okay. I'm sorry," she said, though she didn't sound mad, still seeming worried. "Would he really get on you that badly?"

"Worse. He'd probably try to convince me to… well, make it more than what it is," he sighed. "Freed is a worrywart and he'd probably start saying shit about how I could be happy if I only gave myself a chance and dumb shit like that. He thinks the way I treat relationships are self-damaging because my lack of commitment and dumb shit like that."

"Oh, so he'd try to fix you and me," she realized. "Yeah, I can understand why you don't want to put up with that. Mira would probably do the same… after probably threatening to hurt you if you ever did anything to me."

Bickslow sighed, glad she didn't take offense to his refusal. After their argument he was trying to be a little more careful with how he treated her emotions. This was getting emotional for them after all, whether they liked it or not.

"He's known me since I was a teenager," he admitted. "It's only natural he worry."

"Oh yeah. He did join just about six months after you did," she said. "It was so long ago too. I almost didn't remember."

"Yeah, but we knew each other before the guild," Bickslow said. "He and Ever actually joined the circus I was in for a short while. Well, I said joined but really they just did odd jobs around the place in order to get free transportation. See, they were both runaways."

"Really? How'd they meet each other then?"

"Oh, the same reason they were running away from home. They were engaged," he explained causally.

"WHAT?!" she cried out. "Oh my god! I never knew that!"

He chuckled a bit and nodded.

"Yeah, well it's not like they talk much about it now," he stated. "They were both rich kids, raised with a silver spoon in their mouths and knowing everything about dignity and grace, yadda yadda. They actually grew up knowing each other and their parents wanted to make it a match. Of course, they hated the idea and their folks tried to force the issue. So they did what any teenagers would do when they don't agree with their parents. They ran away and joined the circus. Heh. Really, it was just to get away and not starve with lack of funds, so we were cool with it. Honestly, I didn't interact with them too much at first cause I thought they were kind of snooty, but we rubbed off on each other eventually. They ended up leaving and… well, when they found out I'd joined the guild, they came back to… support my choice."

"I'm surprised you left the circus at all. Sounds like it would be a fun way to grow up," she said before she glanced over at him and noticed his jaw was clenched. He wasn't really very good talking about this sort of stuff. It's why he so often changed the subject around her when it came to his past, yet here he was getting closer and closer to it.

He felt his babies press close to him, seeming to know instinctively what was wrong and trying to offer comfort. He sighed softly, trying to will himself to relax.

Sadly, it was easier said than done.

"We disbanded," he admitted. "I didn't have much of a choice. It was either join a guild or get locked up."

"What?" she asked, clearly confused.

"Jeez. Lisanna, I… I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm saying this. Just forget it," he said before he felt her hand on his cheek.

"Bickslow, if there's something you want to talk about, I'm willing to listen," she said softly.

"It's not a pretty subject," he admitted.

"Neither is my past," she reminded him. "Only if you want to though."

He took her hand in his own and cradled it in his palm, somehow able to calm down a little easier now. He really had been thinking about this a lot lately, more than what was really healthy. It would probably be for the best to tell her eventually, to explain it to her. Why he was so possessive, but still had pushed her away, why he wanted her with such fierce intensity and yet had told her she could share herself with whoever she wanted. He had his emotional baggage, but while he'd never intended to indulge in it to her, it was still clearly affecting things. He might as well be honest.

"Lisanna, Fairy Tail has a lot of damaged people in it. We hide our scars pretty well behind frivolity and shit, but you and I both know everyone here has some kind of story of something holding them back, even if it's just a little," he said to which she nodded. "Well, I'm certainly no exception."

She didn't say anything, but scooted a little closer until their shoulders were touching. He appreciated the silent offer of comfort without her pushing herself onto him, letting him take what he needed. Strange really that a while ago they'd barely known one another and now they could communicate even without words, know exactly what the other was doing with their actions.

"I suppose I could say my life was shit before I was even born," he stated. "Magic can be learned, but it's also something inherited at times. Certain magic just flows in bloodlines more powerfully than others, you know? Like you and your siblings are all so good at taking souls into your bodies. Our kind of magic is some of the oldest and most powerful, and most dangerous. Well… guess you already know all about that."

She just nodded, seeming to have endless patience while he built up to a point. He was kind of taking his time with this, not because she needed any kind of explanation about any of this stuff, but because he needed the extra time to sort of mentally prepare himself for it. It was a rare, rare occasion that he or anyone that knew about this spoke about it so openly. It almost felt wrong, like something slimy was crawling up his back.

"Seith magic is almost exclusive in the bloodline. I don't think I've ever met a person who can master it or even has it unless it was in their family already," he explained. "Still, even born with it you'd have to have training to use it properly. It really left me in a bad situation because my parents abandoned me when I was just a little kid. I don't even remember them, or when they left me behind."

"Abandoned?" she asked him softly. "I thought you said you mother raised you in the circus."

"She did. I said my parents abandoned me. Whatever woman out there gave birth to me wasn't my mother. The woman who took me is was," he replied. "She caught me one day trying to pick her pocket… heh, and drug me all the way back to the circus to feed and clothe me. For months I didn't even want to talk to her, but she was understanding and sweet. She knew I had Seith magic the second she saw me, even though it took a while to confide in her. I had a tendency to use my magic on accident a lot before I met her, sometimes on purpose even. It's surprisingly easy to make people do what you want, ripping their soul out of their body to get them to leave you alone or slip a piece of your own soul into them and make them do what you tell them to. I won't lie. It made me a little prick when I was younger and though she did her best to break me of the habit, it's a power that's hard to let go of. See, the thing is though, she was a Seith wizard too. She took me in, trained me, took me in as her son even though she was way too young to have worry about such a little piece of crap like me."

He sighed and pulled his mask off, lowering his hood and running a hand through his hair. He hadn't even gotten to the bad part and this was starting to take its toll on him. Both Lisanna and his babies were deathly quiet and he wasn't sure he wanted to keep going. The floor was all his but he didn't really want it. Would Lisanna let him stop talking if he asked?

Somehow the words kept coming though, even when he considered stopping. Somehow he just couldn't control it anymore. It's like he was on autopilot now.

"I was with her for everything. When she got a boyfriend, got married, had kids… and my adopted dad dying. It was an accident with the tightropes, and she was so sad for a long time, but we were all still happy together. Just me, her… and my five little brothers."

She suddenly stilled as she looked at him, her eyes wide as they slowly left his face and trailed over to look at the little wooden bodies floating silently around him.

"Oh… oh my god… Bickslow..." she breathed.

"Yeah," he said softly when she figured it out. "They are real kids… were real kids. We were traveling in a foreign country, ways away from here. There had been a sickness… and epidemic spreading. It was really bad, but when we arrived no one knew it was anything more than some kind of flu or something. Some people who caught it were okay, but the young and elderly… it was harder for them. We couldn't even be allowed to leave cause… you know… quarantine and all that. No one was allowed to leave the borders for a long time so it couldn't spread, tourists, citizens, no body. It was no wonder when my little brothers caught it. My mom had already lost her husband. She couldn't take it. She'd always told me that we never, ever took souls out of the bodies of the unwilling or dying. Doing that to someone dying… it keeps them stuck in the living world for as long as the person connected to them wants them to be in the living world as a soul, unable to move on. Centuries ago it was done as necromancy… to make slaves… It's probably one of the worst and most illegal things you can do. She said it so often I lost count… but… when her kids were sick… we had no way to save them..."

He took a deep breath, starting to shake a bit and she suddenly hugged him, pulling his head into her chest.

"Bickslow, you don't have to. You don't have to say anymore," she assured him. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

He felt himself break down, suddenly crying into her chest as he gripped her tightly. This is why he avoided this crap. Years had gone by and he still couldn't handle the memories.

It had been like a nightmare, walking into their boxcar to find his mom, ask her if she'd needed anything. He'd just been trying to help when he'd found her, her hands covered in chalk and everything thrown around to make room for the ritual, her eyes wide with fear and his brothers laying on the ground, already still and the wooden bodies starting to move.

"Transfering souls is not… i-it's not easy… and she was sick too," he whispered softly, tears still flowing down his eyes. "Oh god… I tried to hep… but she was already too weak. It takes too much power to permanently transfer a soul, to have done five at once and… they were so weak she had to put so much into it… I just held her and she begged me to take care of them, to be a good brother and make sure they were never taken away, that they wouldn't die."

It was no wonder when everyone had found out there had been a panic, even amongst people he'd considered part of his home. After all, that kind of magic was purely forbidden and illegal. Even with the epidemic it was no surprise the Rune Knights had shown up to investigate, how he'd tried to fight them and get away, anything to keep his siblings safe.

"Eventually… eventually the Master came. He'd known my mom. He'd brought over Laxus a lot when I'd been growing up and we were friends. They both arrived and I… I don't even remember half of what was said. They Rune Knights had been holding me so long, the epidemic had a cure, things were getting better for everyone but there I was, stuck in a holding cell with my brothers. I never let them take them away. He convinced the Council that I wasn't the one to transfer them, even if I was keeping them alive. I was just a scared teenager who didn't want to lose what was left of my family. I hadn't done anything wrong myself… and I was all they had. They were just kids. They didn't know what was going on. The Council wanted to make me let go of their souls but he convinced them… that… that they could still live a life with me like this, that it was all a bad circumstance. I was released… on the condition I be watched carefully, like I was some criminal. It was join Fairy Tail or… well, they didn't seem to have any problem with letting me rot down there. I didn't have a home to go back to anyway, so what else was there to do? I've been with Fairy Tail and with Laxus ever since. When Freed and Ever found out, they came to try and support me and… well..."

She just hushed him, holding him close. He really didn't have anything else to say anymore anyway, just holding her as tightly as she was being gentle.

"Bickslow," she whispered softly as she kissed the top of his head. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. No one, ever, should be put through that kind of pain."

"I didn't want to let go," he whispered. "Things… people that are precious to me, I never am willing to let them go. Yeah, my mom did it but I keep them here. I can't let go, even if they don't want to go either, I'm the one keeping them alive. I'm doing the same… the same to you."

"Bickslow, what are you talking about?" she asked him but he only squeezed her to him tighter. He'd never expected this to happen, to care so much about her. No, it wasn't on the same level. He wasn't holding her against her will or anything but… all this sneaking around to keep her secret, using her sexually and getting mad at the thought of being unable to keep her even when they both knew this couldn't and wouldn't last.

He'd have to be fucking stupid not to see this was going down a dangerous path, yet he couldn't possibly let her go now.

"I'm possessive and needy. I don't like to let go of people I care about," he whispered. "I was acting like a jealous jerk about you, told you to sleep with other people… and it wasn't for your sake. I didn't want to get attached. I knew what I'd get like if I started to want to keep you and I… I couldn't handle it. I can't handle it, not having you in my arms anymore. I just..."

"Bickslow..." she whispered softly, soothingly running her hand over her hair as she hugged him to her. "No one has to let go. Neither one of us will. I promise."

He just held her tightly. He couldn't form words anymore and he felt like an idiot for sharing this. Even with her accepting everything, it all felt so raw to bring it up again. Years had passed since then and he still felt… so lost.

Bickslow let her hold him though, even after he'd long since calmed down. He knew by morning he'd be alright again, like none of this had happened and she wasn't the kind of girl to dredge up old shit either. They could just continue on like this had never happened, but at least she'd know. At least she'd know why he needed this to stay as just sex between friends, why he couldn't let her tell people or start treating it like more than what it was, why he couldn't start to have people tell him maybe he should start to think about settling down because casual relationships only hurt in the long run and all that shit.

It was just like he knew her promise was bullshit. Who was she kidding? Of course one of them would let go eventually. Either he'd force himself to one day end it or she'd go traipsing after someone else, either Natsu or another guy. There's no way this would go on forever, and even if she did really want that the thought of it scared him way too much.

Like this he could let go. It would hurt. It would suck. He'd fucking hate it, but he could still do it. If he ever started to let himself think of more, of her as a girlfriend or a lover, or her in a white dress or with a ring on her finger… plump with his children and allowing him to make his family even bigger… God, he couldn't think like that.

Ever.

How would he let her go then?

It was okay though. He could hold her now, keep her with him. As long as he didn't cross those lines he'd be able to let her go someday. He'd just keep from getting too attached.

He could do it.

He had to be able to do it.

End of Chapter 13

Yeah, so there you go. Suppose this explains a lot. Don't worry. Things will cheer up a lot soon. As Bickslow said, this all happened years ago, but it clearly affects him and how he views things so there will always be niggling doubts inside of him. Just look at the way he acts during sex, how often he says he needs her. Trust me, even after the love word gets broached, he's gonna be a needy bastard, but at least now Lisanna knows why.

This is probably riddled with errors, even with me looking over it after I wrote it but I didn't have much time to dedicate to it. Again, I'm really sorry. I'll try to be better, but I didn't want you guys to have to wait any longer for me to get this out. I'll probably fix it up later if there's too many problems with it.