Hello everyone. Oh man, it has been way, way too long. To update everyone really quick I finally quit my second job. Finances were back on track and I just couldn't handle not having any free time at all. Sadly almost immediately afterward my apartment was nearly destroyed due to water damage because my landlord decided the month where it rains the most in the entire year was a good time to remove the roof for renovations. Suffice to say I had to move immediately.
Luckily though I'm in a nice new place now and settled in properly. I'm pretty happy about that to say the least. I'm hoping I can avoid more work for a while. I'm no good when my life gets so busy as you can see from the update schedule. It's been months since I've touched this and I'm super sad that I missed Bixanna week. At least I think there was one. It was set for around this time last year but I didn't see anything new so maybe it didn't happen this year. Oh well, such is life.
Anyway, the update schedule should be back on track. Not sure if you guys will be getting a chapter every single day like before but I will try my best to keep it frequent. I've been itching to get back to this for a while now and I'm so happy I finally can.
So, without further ado, on with the story.
Chapter 14: In Which How Far is too Far?
"Lisanna, we don't have to do this."
"Shh. Yes, we do."
"Are you sure?"
"Just come on."
Bickslow let himself be led along by Lisanna into the dark entrance of her home, holding onto her hand as she gently pulled him inside after her. They'd been cuddled up on the roof just a while ago, but he hadn't really been watching the festival anymore. He always got in a dark place when he thought about his past, and it had been easy to look out at the festivities and not really see it at all. She must have noticed because she'd decided to take him away despite his protests that they didn't need to go anywhere.
He wondered if she wanted to get physical with him but for once he wasn't sure he was in the mood. While he was up for it just about any time, especially with her, this wasn't the sort of thing that could really be wiped away with a blowjob.
He had to admit, part of her almost regretted telling her. It wasn't that he didn't trust her or anything, but so few people knew about his past, and he liked to keep it that way. His babies were his own business and very few people liked him well enough to want to get to know him on that kind of level. After all, he knew he gave plenty of people the creeps.
After flicking on the lights, she pulled him to the couch and sat down with him, his babies floating gently around him.
"Lisanna, as much as I'd hate to say it, I don't think-"
"I'm happy I'm with you," she interrupted. The white haired girl didn't do anything to try to initiate anything, just resting against him and hugging him close. He had to be honest, the words kind of surprised him. It wasn't really what he'd been expecting.
"What?" he asked her. "What are you talking about?"
"I just felt like I should say it," she explained to him, resting her head onto his shoulder. "What you told me, it couldn't have been easy. A lot of people are really closed up about that sort of thing in their past. There are enough people here in Fairy Tail with tough lives for me to know that. Heck, I know there were plenty of times I cried myself to sleep in Edolas when I thought I'd never seen my brother or sister again. It was so hard, and I do my best to smile and be grateful for what I do have, but it isn't always easy. So I know just how hard such a thing would have had to be on you. I know it might not be the same thing as having your family or anything like that, and I wouldn't want to ever imply that it is, but I'm happy I'm with you. I hope that us being a bit of an item, that it helps in times like these."
Her cheeks went a little pink as she looked down at her lap. It was actually touching to him that she was trying to offer comfort to him but at the same time trying her best not to be presumptuous about her place in his life. They were obviously figuring one another out as they were going along, and they'd already stumbled a time or two, but she clearly wanted to offer him comfort.
It made him smile and he wrapped an arm around her in a loose embrace, resting his chin on the top of her head.
"It does help, Lisanna. Don't worry about me," he assured her before he kissed the top of her head. It felt nice to have this sweet moment in a place of privacy. He knew he'd be able to hold her like this for a while now. No doubt both of her siblings would to be too busy at the festival to head back any time soon. Even if he did get caught over here, they weren't doing anything that would rouse any suspicions.
Well, he was sure there would be questions about what he was doing in the Strauss household in the first place but he had a feeling Lisanna would already have an excuse prepared and thought up just in case anyone did come home early. No, as it was, he just felt comfortable and relaxed in her arms.
"I have been thinking about it a lot," he admitted. "I think because of you."
"Me? Why's that?" she asked him.
He paused as he wondered how to word it. He didn't want to come across overly mushy or make her think he was giving her some line of poetic or false romantic bullshit, but on the other hand he did want her to know the truth. For whatever reason, they were definitely getting closer. It was past the point of denying that he cherished her and wanted to be around her as much as he could get away with. He was sure too that the feelings were the same way the other way around. Lisanna could have made it clear that this was only sex to her and nothing else, in fact she had said that a couple times at the beginning, but that was quickly changing. Casual as their relationship was, there was still something emotional to it, a bond he was getting very used to and didn't want to give up.
"I guess I'm just not good at letting good things go," he eventually settled on saying. He wasn't sure exactly what his feelings were and he didn't want to start sounding weird. At the end of the day, it was just sex. Deep, sweet, comforting, intense sex that blew his socks off every time and made him crave her more and more with each time they did it, but it was best not to get things all weird by bringing up emotional crap. Besides, he was kind of raw right now. He didn't want to say something he didn't really mean.
Not to mention he didn't want to say something he really did mean and have her attribute it to him just being oversensitive or whatever at the moment.
Yeah, it was best to keep his mouth shut for now. They could always talk about such things later.
Maybe.
"Bickslow?" she asked him curiously but he just shook his head.
"It's nothing, really," he assured her. "I just like having you around, that's all."
"But you said letting go," she pushed, though her tone was gentle. She was looking at him, curiosity in her eyes. It was clear she wasn't as eager to forget about it as he was. This just didn't feel like a good time, but how to say that without running the risk of offending her over it? It's not like he wanted to shut her out after all.
She just wouldn't believe him if he said it now. He was sure of it.
"Are you afraid of losing me?" she asked him.
"Mmm."
"Bickslow?"
He didn't really want to comment on it, and just shook his head before pulling her closer into the hug. His babies settled down around her shoulder and on her head at his silent command, trying to distract her by cuddling.
What could he say to her after all? Yes, he was afraid of losing her. Casual sex didn't last, no matter how good it was. She loved Natsu, had since she was a kid. How could he ever compete with that? His friends would blurt something out sometime, or her siblings would find out, or any number of things would happen. Eventually she'd come to him and tell him it was over, and he would have to accept it no matter how much he knew he wouldn't want to.
He'd have to though. He couldn't be selfish, not when she was so great to him. Even their fight had brought them closer together, but there was still a barrier. It would never go away. They were fuck buddies, close yes, but nothing more than that.
"I'm just a selfish asshole, Lisanna," he said finally. "It's just something I got to deal with. Don't worry about it."
She looked up at him before smiling softly and kissing his cheek.
"Maybe I want to worry about it," she informed him. "Why do you think I don't?"
"No one would. I'm not exactly easy maintenance," he chuckled, though the sound was a weak and hollow one. "It really doesn't matter, okay? I promise you, it ain't a big deal. Just too much on my mind. Don't worry your pretty little head over it."
"Well… alright. If you insist," she answered and thankfully let it drop. Instead she just continued to hold him, pressing close and sharing body heat with him. It started to get late, but the faint sounds of partying could still be heard off in the distance, even if just barely. That was one thing that could be said for Fairy Tail. Their place might be a wreck, they might be in debt, and their member list was short and puny but they never let anything get them down, especially when it came time to have a celebration or party. Bickslow was sure that little impromptu festival would be going on for hours, if not well into the morning. Getting loud and boisterous was just in the nature of the guild after all.
"It's been a pretty nice couple of days, you know," he mentioned. Best to change the subject before Lisanna started to worry about him any more. He was the older one after all. She shouldn't have to feel the need to baby him or anything. It actually made him feel a bit low actually, breaking down like that on her. He was willing to bet money he'd scared her a bit. "Finding Laxus has just been the icing on the cake. You think he'll be joining back up with the guild again soon?"
"I hope so. It doesn't seem fair that he hasn't come back yet. Maybe he's waiting to be invited back by his grandfather, to be forgiven," she mused.
"Wish it would happen. It's not the same without him around. Feels wrong. Like, I'm a bodyguard with no one to look after," he grumbled, to which she started to giggle. "What? What is it?"
"I don't think Laxus is the type to even need a bodyguard," she pointed out. "He's the strongest person in Fairy Tail, after all. I think you're more fan boy than anything."
"Hey," he said warningly, but there was no real venom in his voice. "Yeah, I guess you're right. He is pretty awesome. Still though, he needs us. I still don't understand why he told us to stay in the guild when he got banished. It would have been a lot better if the Thunder Legion had gone with him."
"Well, maybe he was worried about you," she supplied. "After all, he was being punished. He probably didn't want the same thing to happen to his friends. He cares about you three."
He beamed a little at her words. She was right. Laxus was a bit tough at times, but there was no doubt in his mind that the four of them were close. He certainly knew that if he'd been the one kicked out, he would have demanded Laxus stay with Fairy Tail instead of coming with him.
Well, not demanded so much. No one demanded anything of Laxus. He probably would have begged him more like it. Still, the loyalty was there all the same. It felt good to know that his boss cared about him just as much as he cared about the blond. It felt downright amazing though that someone else besides him saw it. He knew most of the guild thought the Legion was idiots for following around someone so gruff, but it just wasn't like that. Laxus just needed a good support structure, and he was happy the youngest Strauss sibling saw that at least.
She was a lot more understanding of him than he ever would have thought before.
"Are you hungry?" she asked him, breaking him out of his train of thought. "You haven't had a proper meal tonight, have you?"
The snacks they'd had before on the roof had hardly counted. Besides, most of them had been left aside when she'd taken him to her home.
"I could go for something to eat," he admitted. "Why? What did you have in mind? Want to go back out and find something?"
"No, I think this is nicer," she said with a shake of her head. "More privacy, just the two of us and all, not to mention it's much quieter."
Well, he had to admit that she had a point there. Going back out into the party seemed more trouble than what it would be worth right now.
"What would you suggest then?" Bickslow asked before she climbed off of the couch and stretched out.
"Wait right here. I'll be right back," she said to him before she left to go to the kitchen. He waited around for a while like she'd asked him to and after about twenty minutes, time which he killed by juggling the babies while they giggled and cried out for more, she came back with a couple of platters, one balanced on each hand. One was laden down with veggies and a large cup of ranch dressing for dipping, and the other had small cut finger sandwiches. Smelled like egg salad to him, and his stomach rumbled a bit in hunger.
"Not exactly my sister's cooking," she admitted, her face a little sheepish. Bickslow couldn't help but notice just how cute she looked, as if almost embarrassed as she put the trays down on the coffee table in front of them. "Hope you don't mind. I'm not exactly great when it comes to things like that, mostly snacks or heating up left overs are what I can handle."
"Nah, this is great," he informed her.
"Great! Great!" his babies cried out. "Lisanna is great!"
She giggled a bit as her cheeks went red. Embarrassment or not, she clearly liked the praise.
"Want to watch a movie or something?" she asked him, but he just shook his head and patted the seat next to him.
"Cuddling is just fine," he answered. "Better actually. Come on and sit down. We can eat together."
She didn't seem to mind the idea and got back onto the couch with him, resting against his body as they ate. Most of the time it seemed when she tried to grab something, he would take a big bite out of it before she could. It had been intended to tease her, but before long he found her feeding him with a smile on her lips, and before long he was holding food up for her to nibble on as well.
It seemed like the shadows of their previous conversation had been chased away. Part of him, a big part, still wondered if he should have really told her about his past. It seemed like it had been a bad idea, but he couldn't really figure out why. He was private about it of course, and didn't share easily, but he trusted her. He knew she wouldn't spread it around or use it against him. Still, he'd given her something, something he knew she could use to hold over him and hurt him, but he knew she wouldn't. She would never, ever do anything to hurt him on purpose, that he could be sure of.
Maybe that was the problem though. He'd never trusted someone with something like this before, besides for his friends. His family and the Thunder Legion had been everything to him for so long. Yet somehow she'd gotten past his walls without even trying, slipped into his life so comfortably it was almost like she'd always been there. As good as it felt, as right as it seemed, there was just a sense of foreboding he couldn't quite chase away. Whatever it was though, it wasn't bothering him too much right now.
At this moment, it was just them on a couch together eating a meal and being comfortable with one another. She was happy, and he was getting over what he'd told her before. It was hard to dwell on it in the bright and warm room with her so close, happy and giggling every time he would hold up a carrot for her to munch on or he'd nibble on a sandwich.
It was simple contentment, nothing more, nothing less. He was just happy with her.
Perhaps that's why he was scared though, because it wouldn't last. Once they moved on, it wouldn't just stop the sex, it would stop all of it. The hanging out, the friendly moments, maybe even the trust? He didn't know, but it didn't seem likely to him that it would continue.
"Hey, Lisanna," he said to her suddenly, catching her attention.
"Yes?" she asked. "What is it?"
"It's just… I'm glad I'm with you too," he admitted. "It's good to have you as a friend."
Her eyes went a little wide at that, seeming surprised. He wanted to say it though. It just felt important to get it out there. No, he just couldn't let it end. Even when they no longer shared a bed together, he wanted this to last. He couldn't bare it if it didn't. It would be just like Laxus when he walked away from them, banned from the guild. He didn't want to ever experience that feeling again, especially with her.
"Friends?" she asked him. "That's what we are?"
"Well, yeah. If that's okay with you?" he asked, worried for a second he had stepped over some sort of line that she hadn't wanted him to cross. She almost looked upset for a second before she blew out a soft breath, her bangs fluttering a little under it, before she shook her head and smiled.
"Friends sound good," she reassured him with a nod. "Being friends sounds great in fact."
He smiled a bit and let out a sigh of relief. He'd been really worried there for a second.
"You know, for a moment there I thought I'd said the wrong thing," he admitted to her. "Like I'd gone too far or something."
"Oh no," she said with a shake of her head. "Sorry if I scared you there. It's just..."
"Hm?" he asked her.
"Nothing," she assured him. "It doesn't matter. It's just been a weird night is all. I'm glad you shared with me, Bickslow, and I'm glad we're friends too."
Her smile seemed genuine, but suddenly he couldn't shake off the feeling he really had said something wrong. However, she hugged him quickly and rested her head on his chest. It was comforting, but also a clear sign she was no longer up for talking. Something about the mood seemed different, still relaxed but… changed. He wish he could say it was a good one but he wasn't sure.
'I'm worrying too much,' he thought to himself firmly as he hugged her back and just let her lay still against his body. 'She's right, it has been a weird night, and I'm a bit high strung right now. Just let it be before you go and say something stupid.'
He didn't see her clench her eyes shut as she buried her face into his chest, or the tiny prickle of tears creeping up into the corner of her eyes. Bickslow had no idea why she hugged him so tightly, or that she opened her mouth a couple times to say something before shutting it quickly and firmly. Even as he tried to relax, there was no indication that she allowed him to see that there was a sudden storm ragging inside of her heart and mind right now.
Because to Lisanna, he really hadn't gone to far. In fact, to her, he hadn't gone far enough.
End of Chapter 14
Sort of a slow chapter, and I wish I had come back with something more of a bang to it, but it's what I had planned next. I didn't want to have such an emotional chapter last time and then basically go back to the plot as if it had never happened. I've always found after such emotional moments you have to have the cool down period or it just ruins the pacing completely and totally.
Of course, in retrospect there is absolutely no reason this should have taken so long. I appreciate everyone telling me it was okay to take care of my own life first, but there's no reason I couldn't have sat down once in a while every few days and gotten a few paragraphs written down until it was good to go. Well, I'll try to be better. No way will I leave this for months at a time again.
I have an ending in mind on how this will stop, but don't worry. There's still a ways to go before we get to that point. Still, I think I'm making good progress on the narrative, especially concerning their feelings. Damn it, Bickslow. Just say what's on your mind. You both clearly want more.
Well, just goes to show sometimes just "getting a room" still doesn't make it clear what the other person wants. Such is the way of the heart. Don't worry though, readers. They'll get their eventually.
