Disclaimer: I do not own Jane or Kurt or Blindspot. Writing about them is simply the outlet for my obsession.
A/N: Okay everyone, after last's night's episode (205) take a deep breath and repeat after me: It's going to be okay. Martin Gero is the ultimate Jeller shipper. This is the part where it gets worse before it gets better. (Repeat as many times as necessary) Now please just wait a few seconds while I repeat that to myself… Consider this chapter a chance to go to your happy place – that's what I'm doing. (This chapter was so long I thought about splitting it, but I took pity on you all, figuring that we need as much of this cuteness as we can get today!)
Also, if you haven't already read it, my friend MonkeyPajamas has started a story that goes along with this one, called Friday Night Gossip. The first chapter of FNG goes along with the beginning of BW, and the second chapter of FNG will actually fit in before this chapter (but never fear, it's fine to read them out of order. I promise you'll still enjoy them!). So be on the lookout for that one as well.
For now, forget all about the ugliness happening on the show and how you may or may not want to wring Martin Gero's neck for torturing Jeller and therefore torturing US, and read on… :)
They sat on the bench at the end of the pier for quite a while, the breeze keeping them cool and making them almost forget that the sun was nearly overhead. She had changed position and now sat facing him, on his right. Sitting sideways on the bench so that her legs were slightly bent and made a bridge over his legs, her feet resting on the bench on the other side of him. She was leaning forward, toward him, her left temple resting against his shoulder and her left arm draped behind him, and her hand absently moving along his neck. His arms rested against her legs and his hands lazily traced the ink on and around her knees.
"We need to think about food," he said, turning his face slightly so that he brushed against her forehead.
"You're always thinking about food," she told him teasingly, not lifting her head from his shoulder. She was so comfortable there, and she really couldn't think of a reason to move… not even food.
"I'm always thinking about you," he corrected her. She raised her head to look at him, shaking her head and rolling her eyes at him.
"That's so cheesy," she said, shaking her head in disbelief.
He looked back at her as if he was extremely offended, but the twinkle in his eyes betrayed him. "Ouch," he said, leaning back to frown at her. "I was going for sweet. Besides, it's true." She just shook her head at him, laughing, and then leaned up to kiss him.
Just then, the heard the distinct sound of Kurt's phone as it dinged in the beach bag, and he reached down to retrieve it. He had a new text from Sarah. Jane scooted a little closer to him – which wasn't technically necessary for her to see the screen of his phone, but she liked the excuse – to read along.
We have sandwiches down here if you guys get hungry, the text said. A second later, a second bubble popped up. Don't wait too long though, Sawyer may eat them all.
They both chuckled, and Jane laid her head back down on his shoulder. "Hey," he said, looking down at her in surprise, suddenly stilling his hands flat against her legs, "didn't you see the second text? We need to get back down there. It's not a short walk back there, and Sawyer's going to eat all the food."
She sat up once again, biting her lip and trying not to laugh as she looked at him. "We can always get you a hot dog or something." From the look on his face, she could see that her suggestion had not dampened his determination to head back for lunch. "I just made it worse, didn't I?" she asked, immediately regretting the mention of a hot dog. He grinned at her, nodding as he pushed her legs off of his lap, turning her until her feet were on the ground.
Her mouth opened in surprise, and for a second she didn't know how to respond. "Are you choosing food over me?" she asked. She was mostly joking, though she was legitimately surprised.
"We both need to eat, even if you've forgotten that part," he said as he stood up, holding his hand out to pull her up after him. "So really, I'm choosing food over no food. I was going to have the pleasure of your company either way, I think… unless there's something you wanted to tell me about your afternoon plans…" He raised his eyebrows at her, and she grinned up at him as she let him pull her up beside him, before remembering that she was supposed to be pretending to sulk over being made to get up.
"Well… if you won't let me just sit here with you, then I suppose I'm going to have to come with you in search of this lunch thing you're so excited about," she replied, pretending that she was doing so only grudgingly. She could only keep a straight face for a few seconds however, and by the time she'd picked up the beach bag from the ground, the smile that she'd been wearing almost all weekend was back, having taken over her face once more.
She pushed the bag back onto her left shoulder, and he took her right hand in his left. She stood and just looked at him for a few seconds as he tugged on her hand, urging her forward, turning back around when she didn't move. He looked at her with a puzzled expression, stepping back towards her. "What's wrong?" he asked, closing the distance between them and leaning closer to her.
"Nothing," she said, but she still didn't move. Her smile had dimmed slightly and she looked slightly preoccupied, as if she was thinking something but didn't want to – or couldn't quite – articulate it.
"You know you're not really not as much like sea glass, as you think, right?" he asked her quietly, suddenly serious. She looked at him curiously, shaking her head and wondering where he was going with this – and how he'd known that she was still thinking about the comparison she'd make of herself to sea glass. Ever since it had come out of her mouth, she hadn't been able to quite get it out of her head.
He leaned his forehead down against hers, holding it there for a few seconds, just concentrating on the feel of her skin against his and nothing else. "Well, like I've already told you, you are beautiful, so that part is right," he conceded, which made her smile and blush slightly. "But you're not broken," he told her quietly. She felt her chest contract slightly, and she exhaled a shaky breath. She wanted to believe it, but just like believing that good things really could happen to her, really believing his words was a little scary. Besides, she felt broken a lot of the time.
"Scratched, maybe, cracked even," he continued, "but not broken. And certainly not in pieces. You shouldn't think of yourself that way." He paused, then added, "I certainly don't."
She stood still, her forehead leaned against his, and found that she didn't know what to say. No, it was more than that. Even if she'd known what to say, she simply couldn't speak. Suddenly, she was having trouble even breathing. After all, there was some strange kind of comfort in allowing herself to feel broken – hadn't she been through enough that it was a fair comparison? Feeling broken was easy, or easier, anyway. A defense mechanism. She'd internalized the feeling for so long now, even as her relationship with the team – with Kurt – had slowly healed itself over the past year, and it was simply easier to accept that the events of the past had left her fragmented in some way, the worse for wear.
But why? Because no matter how wonderful things felt at that moment, how sweet Kurt had been, there was still the unconscious twinge of doubt. She didn't believe that anything remotely like what had happened before would happen again. She didn't believe that anything would come between them again, she really didn't. Still, somehow she felt like if she allowed herself to let go of that sliver of a doubt completely, anything that did happen would hurt a thousand times worse.
When it came down to it, she supposed that she was afraid to lose what she now had. She'd already seen what that felt like, and she just couldn't go through that again.
He kept his forehead leaned against hers, their hands joined at their sides, and while she hadn't moved since he'd spoken, other than to let her eyes fall closed, he felt a sudden increased tension in her. And because he was Kurt, and he knew her the way he did, he knew that his words were working their way through her brain, and that she was resisting them, but hearing them nonetheless.
He hadn't just been saying what he'd said for the sake of saying it – he really didn't see her as broken. The cracks that might still remain as scars of the past – those were the ones he was working on healing, and he had no intention of stopping until those cracks were gone. There was no reason for her to feel broken, as far as he was concerned. Not anymore.
Sliding his forehead along hers until his left temple leaned against hers, and he could speak almost into her ear once again, he whispered, "Come on, we need to get down there before the food's gone." She couldn't help but smile at the way he'd transitioned from serious back to joking, and she squeezed his hand as she slowly raised her head to look up at him.
"Fine," she told him quietly, "you win." She stared into his eyes for a few extra seconds as the smile returned to her face once again.
"Which part?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.
"Both," she replied simply. Not being broken and lunch.
He smiled the Kurt Weller smile that she loved so much, the one that took over his face and that no one ever got but her, and leaned over to kiss her forehead before turning and tugging on her hand. They walked back down the pier towards the shore leisurely, looking at the water and at the beach and the sky. With as many emotional outpourings on both of their parts as there had been on this trip, you'd have thought that they'd been there for weeks, if not more. But there had always been a storm of emotions between them, mostly just below the surface and evident only from the looks they gave each other. This was just them making up for lost time.
Back on the boardwalk, his arm once again draped across her shoulders and hers across his back, they meandered slowly through the crowd, stopping a few blocks before the 25th Street marker to buy four hot dogs from a vendor. Unable to wait, Kurt ate one of the hot dogs before they'd even reached the beach entrance at 25th street, claiming afterwards that he felt "much better." Jane just rolled her eyes and smiled.
On the beach, Sawyer's eyes widened when he saw the hot dogs that his uncle had brought with him. "Who are those for?" he asked eagerly, moving forward without even realizing it.
Kurt laughed, holding them a little higher, feeling as though Sawyer might pounce on him to get one.
"It's actually good that you have those," Sarah interjected from where she sat on her towel. "He already ate his sandwich, and was threatening to eat yours. I wasn't kidding when I told you it was a possibility."
"So then he's allowed to have one of these?" Kurt asked, looking over Sawyer's head at Sarah, now holding the hot dogs higher in the air to keep them out of Sawyer's reach as he attempted to snatch one of them. Jane looked on in amusement. This boy was clearly related to Kurt.
"Yes," Sarah said, laughing at her son's comedic attempt to steal a hot dog from his uncle. "By all means. You'd think I'd been starving this kid or something." She shook her head as Kurt handed his nephew a hot dog, Sawyer's eyes lighting up as if he'd just been given the most exciting present of his life.
"Tell me again why I've been buying this kid Christmas presents all these years," Kurt said, watching the boy devour the hot dog. "I could just have given him hot dogs, apparently." Sarah chuckled, shaking her head.
"Sawyer, did you say 'Thank you?'" she asked in an attempt at a stern voice.
The hot dog was already half gone, and in between bites Sawyer mumbled "Thank you," as he made short work of the second half. Kurt held out the other two hot dogs to Sarah and Jane.
Sarah shook her head. "No, thanks," she replied.
"You sure?" Kurt asked.
"Yes, I'm sure," Sarah replied. "I'm already full."
"Okay," Kurt shrugged, taking a bite out of it. Jane, on the other hand, took the hot dog he was holding out to her. She found that she actually was hungry after all.
Realizing that she should spread out their damp towels in the sand to dry out again, Jane took the bag off her shoulder and dropped it beside her. Then she turned and handed the hot dog back to Kurt. "Do not eat this," she instructed him sternly. He watched her in amusement, wondering what she was doing. She unzipped the bag and took out their two towels, which she laid out beside Sarah and Sawyer's on the sand.
"They need to dry out," she said, reaching for the hot dog. He reached his arm back, holding her hot dog away from her, at the same time she moved towards him. He was teasing her, she knew, and she made a face at him. "Thank you for holding it for me," she said sweetly. "May I please have it now?"
He acted as though he was thinking it over, meanwhile taking a bite of the hot dog that Sarah had refused, keeping both of them just out of her reach. She watched him in disbelief, not sure why exactly they were playing this game, other than the fact that he liked to tease her – which she already knew. Rolling her eyes in mock exasperation, she mumbled, "Alright, two can play at this game." He was surprised when she stepped forward and leaned closer to him, right up into his face, planting a kiss on his lips despite the fact that she knew they had an eager audience only a few feet away.
She stepped back and watched him with satisfaction. He looked slightly stunned, handing back her hot dog without any further teasing. Smiling in triumph, she took it and sat at the edge of the two dry towels as Sarah folded her feet under her to make space for them, Sawyer having wandered off nearby to talk to another boy who looked to be his age.
"Well done, Jane," Sarah told her with a smile.
"I know his weaknesses," Jane replied, grinning up at Kurt as he sat down close beside her.
"I'm going to remember that one," he promised, winking at her. This just made her laugh, leaning against him lightly, but not close enough that he could try to steal a bite of her hot dog. He was now finishing his second one, and she swore he was eyeing hers.
"So, was there anything interesting down at the pier?" Sarah asked. The staring contest between Jane and Kurt ended then, as they turned their attention back to Sarah.
"Not too much," Kurt replied. "A few little shops, mostly touristy stuff, a restaurant, and a long pier with an admission charge and lots of fishermen. Jane found something she liked though."
Sarah looked at her quizzically. "Oh yeah? What?" she asked, as Jane had known she would. She smiled as Kurt reached across the towel for the green bag without being asked, which he handed to Jane. She took out the small wooden box, setting the bag down on the towel in front of them. Leaning forward slightly, she opened the lid, still holding her unfinished hot dog, and handed the box to Sarah for inspection. Sarah's eyes lit up as she looked at the contents, turning them over carefully, much like Jane had done in the shop.
Jane leaned back against Kurt and kept eating while Sarah inspected each piece carefully. "Wow," Sarah said in amazement. "It's sea glass, right?" Jane nodded, her mouth full at the moment, so Kurt answered for her.
"It is," he said. "You can't find it on this beach, but they sell it at the pier." Sarah nodded, looking between the small colored pieces back to her brother and Jane. "I've heard of this. Just broken glass that's been in the ocean and worn down by the waves. But it's amazing that it turns out looking like this…" Her voice trailed off as she stared down at the sea glass. Closing the box carefully, she handed it back to Jane, who had finished eating and now had both of her hands free. She put the box back into the beach bag, zipping it up again and reaching across the towel to put it down where it would be out of the way.
"So what have you guys been up to?" Kurt asked Sarah, glancing up at Sawyer, who now seemed to be debating the construction of a sand castle with the boy he'd been talking to for a few minutes now, as they looked at a partially built castle in front of them.
"Not much," Sarah said. "This. We went back in the water for a little while, but there's no waves today, as you know, so Sawyer decided it was 'kinda boring' and wanted to come back out…" She smiled as she watched her son, then looked back at Jane and Kurt. "Do you want anything else to eat? There's a few sandwiches in there, and some water."
Kurt reached over and opened the cooler, pulling out a water bottle and handing it to Jane even before she had a chance to answer. She smiled and thanked him, watching him take out a water bottle and a sandwich, closing the cooler.
"You're still hungry?" she couldn't help but ask.
"Hey," Kurt said, pretending to be defensive. "I told you I was hungry. You're the one who didn't believe me." Jane rolled her eyes at him, chuckling as she opened her water bottle. They sat in silence for a few minutes – Sarah watching Sawyer, but stealing glances at the two of them sitting close together, Jane looking past Sawyer at the waves, leaning against Kurt, and Kurt eating the sandwich Sarah had packed, alternating his gaze between Jane and the ocean in the distance, ignoring the fact that he knew his sister was watching them and grinning.
Finally, after a few minutes, Sarah said, "Well, if you guys can keep an eye on him for me for a minute, I'm going to go up to the boardwalk and find the bathroom."
"Of course," Jane replied, looking up at her. Kurt nodded as well.
"Thanks," Sarah said with a smile. She stood up and began making her way up the beach, through the maze of blankets and umbrellas. Suddenly, Jane and Kurt were alone again – or as alone as they could be on a crowded beach with Kurt's eleven year old nephew almost within earshot of them, anyway.
Leaning his cheek against hers, he asked, "You know what we're overdue for?"
"I'm assuming you're talking about sunblock…" she said with a smile. "Unless I'm missing something…"
"Yep, sunblock" he said, reaching for the beach bag once again.
"I'll do yours first this time," she told him as he took out the two bottles.
Grinning at her, he said, "While Sarah's not here?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," she told him, struggling to keep a straight face. He just winked at her, and pulled his t-shirt over his head without a word, turning around to face away from her. Once she'd sprayed his back, he glanced over at his shoulder at her again, seeing her smile at him in confusion.
"What's up?" she asked.
"Nothing," he shrugged. "It's just a long time not to look at you." She shook her head at him, then sat up on her knees to make herself taller, leaned forward over his shoulder and kissed his cheek, before starting to rub in the sunblock at his shoulders. Even though she knew that Sarah probably wouldn't be gone that long, she couldn't make herself rush – at least not too much. The fact that this was an excuse to rub his back, that it was actually important that they each do it multiple times a day… the beach might be her new favorite place for that reason alone.
Much too soon she was finished, her hands slowly coming to a stop back on his shoulders once again, her arms dropping against his back. He lifted his head slowly from where it had dropped to his chest, and turned to look at her with a smile. "Ready?" he asked, despite the fact that he had no doubt that she was. As if on cue, she blushed slightly, then nodded her head.
"I guess so," she replied, pretending to think it over.
Shaking his head at her knowingly, he picked up the sunblock. "Do you want to sit up or lay on your stomach?" he asked. He had a suspicion he knew the answer. She started to position herself onto her stomach, and he reached out his hand, laying it on her shoulder. "Hang on a second," he said. She just looked up at him, confused. When he saw that she really didn't know why he'd stopped her, he couldn't help but chuckle. He reached down and tugged at the hem of her t-shirt.
"Should I say it again? Or will it get me in trouble?" he asked.
She smiled, realizing that he was attempting not to have to tell her again to take off her shirt. Chuckling, she just sat back up, looking at him intently but not moving to help, curious what he would do.
He watched her, a mischievous smile on his face, noting that she now sat perfectly still, watching him. Interesting, he thought, tugging her t-shirt up slowly.
When he couldn't pull her shirt up any higher, she adjusted her shoulders slightly, putting her arms up enough to be helpful. She knew that she was being a little bit of a tease, but at the same time, this was just another part of the dance they'd been doing from one side of the line to the other for a long time now, and specifically this weekend.
Suddenly feeling flustered as her shirt momentarily got caught on her arms, she realized exactly what was happening – Kurt is taking off your shirt. Despite the fact that it was about as innocent as it could be, she suddenly tugged her shirt off the rest of the way herself. For a few seconds, until she got it all the way off, she couldn't see him. Ducking her head down slightly, she looked back up at him sheepishly.
"If I was worried about you being able to say you told me to take my shirt off twice before," she said very quietly, "I'm not sure it's better that now you can say you helped me do it."
He winked at her, grinning, and she rolled her eyes as she blushed. Laying down on the towel, she folded her arms under her head and looked over her shoulder at him. The warmth she felt from the way he was looking at her spread quickly through her body, and she felt the blush spreading out from her face, until she was sure that her whole body was a deep shade of pink. Again.
There was simply no limit to how long he could sit and enjoy watching her, especially when he had her so flustered. He squeezed sunblock onto one hand, and rubbed his hands together, feeling the lotion warm up between his palms and then sitting down close beside her. As soon as his hands touched her shoulders, a wide smile crossed her face, and he couldn't help but smile as well. The fact that he was allowed do this was still a novelty to him.
Sarah walked slowly across the sand toward their things, stopping when Jane and Kurt came into view. Jane was laying on the towel, her head turned toward Kurt with her eyes closed, while Kurt rubbed what she assumed was sunblock on her back. Never mind that they were in the middle of a crowded beach and they weren't doing anything that they couldn't have done with her there – she had the urge to give them privacy just the same. So she changed course, heading the long way around to where Sawyer was standing, still talking about the construction of a sand castle with another boy.
"Hey Sawyer," Sarah greeted her son. "You want to go get some ice cream?" Sawyer's eyes lit up. He'd only been begging his mom for ice cream since he'd finished breakfast that morning, after all.
"Yes!" he said, jumping up excitedly. Then, looking down at the other boy, he said, "If you want to finish it, go ahead, otherwise…" He glanced at Sarah unsurely. "I think I'll be back in a little while, right mom?"
"Yep, you will," she nodded.
"Cool," Sawyer said, "See you in a little bit, if you're still here." The other boy nodded glumly, and Sawyer couldn't blame him. It wasn't fun to be left out, but he wasn't about to miss out on ice cream to hang out and build a sandcastle. When his mom started back toward the boardwalk, Sawyer jogged after her in confusion.
"Hey, mom!" he called. "What about Jane and Uncle Kurt? Did they go off again already?" This disappearing thing his uncle kept doing with Jane was getting old.
"Nope, but they're not ready for ice cream just now," Sarah replied, trying to keep a straight face.
"What?" Sawyer asked, confused. He glanced back over at their towels, the last place he'd seen his uncle and Jane, and then quickly rolled his eyes in disgust. "Oh, come on," he muttered. Sarah just laughed, ruffling her son's hair.
"Just give it a couple years," she told him. "In the meantime, let's go get some ice cream. They'll catch up with us later." Sawyer glanced back at Jane and Kurt once more, shaking his head and sighing heavily, then turning to follow Sarah toward the boardwalk.
Kurt had seen Sarah out of the corner of his eye as she'd suddenly appeared by Sawyer, talking to him conspiratorially and then pointing toward the boardwalk. At that point he had a feeling that she'd seen what he was doing and had gone out of her way to avoid disturbing them – for once. When Sawyer glanced in their direction, looking surprised and rolling his eyes, Kurt knew that both his sister and his nephew had noticed them. Not that it mattered, of course, because they weren't doing anything wrong. He looked back down at Jane, smoothing his hands back up to her shoulders slowly and tracing the ink lines of her upper back. As he did this, she opened her eyes to squint at him, the sun hurting her eyes after having had them closed for so long.
"What's up?" she asked him, seeing a strange look on his face. He dropped down on the towel, laying on his side facing her, his face inches from hers.
He grinned slightly at her. "Sarah must have walked by and seen us, because she just came down, went around without stopping here, got Sawyer and headed back up to the boardwalk."
Jane looked at him, puzzled, then asked, "Do you think they left?"
Kurt shook his head. "No, their stuff is still here, besides whatever she had in her pockets when she went to the bathroom. I'm pretty sure they'll be back." They just looked at each other, smiling, until a thought finally occurred to Jane.
"Hey, I think we need more sunblock… you know, on the parts of us besides our backs and shoulders," she told him. They'd both almost forgotten this small but important fact. She was surprised she'd remembered at all, because when she looked into his eyes she was instantly distracted – which was funny, considering that she'd given him such a hard time about him being distracted by her earlier.
"You're right," he replied, not moving from the spot directly in front of her. Several seconds passed before either of them even thought about moving again. For once, it was Jane who moved first.
"Come on, get up," she groaned, pushing herself up to a sitting position and reaching for the bottle of sunblock lotion.
He laughed at her, then said, "Wait, this sounds familiar. Didn't we have this conversation the last two mornings, except it was me trying to get you up?"
"I don't remember," she said, waving her hand in the air dismissively. They both knew that she remembered very well, and that he was right.
"Sure you don't," he grinned, sitting up and taking the spray from where it sat on the towel nearby. They both worked on their arms, legs, and everywhere else that they could reach on their own. Jane even remembered to remove her shorts so that she could get the tops of her legs. After all, she didn't really want a line next to her bikini that was the color of her bikini. This time, Kurt made a halfhearted attempt to spread sunblock on his face, though it was obvious that he didn't try very hard.
When Jane looked at him, she just shook her head, sitting up on her knees on the towel in front of him, leaning in closer, and once again swiping at the streaks of white on his face. Now that she once again had her shirt off, and was kneeling in front of him on the towel in the red bikini that Patterson had convinced her looked so amazing on her, she suddenly felt self-conscious again. Even as she worked on smoothing the sunblock on his face, she glanced away from him for a second or two at a time – over his head, or to his side.
"Look at me," she heard him say seriously, and her eyes immediately focused back on his face, momentarily confused. His eyes didn't move from her face, and yet his hands were suddenly on her waist. "Now keep your eyes right here," he said, his voice softer this time. She smiled, exhaling slowly, her hand pausing against his cheek for a second. "Nowhere else," he told her. Of course he knew, she thought to herself for the thousandth time that weekend, he always knows.
What was it that Sarah had said to her that morning? She tried to remember. "If they're looking, it's because you make the rest of us look bad, Jane. And if they're being nasty, it's because they're jealous."
She took a deep breath, and felt her determination refill, slowly but steadily. Suddenly she was able to tune out the thoughts of what the people around her were thinking about her, and the desire she'd felt to scan the area only a few moments before left her completely. She continued to stare into his eyes, her smile growing brighter as he watched.
He hadn't expected it to actually work – not so well, anyway. Another minute later, she was finished and she sat back down, still watching him intently, a look of contentment on her face that he didn't think he'd seen since the day before.
It was hard – no, impossible – to explain why she suddenly felt so much more… together. Okay, it wasn't impossible to explain, it was simple – Kurt had just managed to somehow reel her back in from her thoughts. At the same time, she'd been with him for every bit of the time since they'd arrived at the beach, and her feelings about walking around in this bikini that was causing her to feel so self-conscious at times had yo-yoed wildly, even with him by her side. So he couldn't be the only thing that affected the way she felt about herself.
So then what was it? She really couldn't say. All she did know was that it was exhausting, this feeling of constantly battling her own feelings. Going from one extreme to the other was beginning to give her whiplash. She couldn't help but wonder if other people felt this way, and to what extent… or if it was unique to her. After all, there were enough other "unique" things about her. But no, she decided, that didn't quite seem possible, even if it was hard for her to imagine. Surely she couldn't be the only one whose feelings seemed determined to sabotage her. She couldn't know, of course, how very common an experience it really was.
Picking up the sunblock again, she dabbed it onto her fingers and, as Kurt had done on himself, she made a half-hearted attempt to spread it on her face. He watched her in what she assumed was amusement, until her hands both rested in her lap, signaling that she had given up. Then he moved closer to her, spreading the lotion around slowly until no more white could be seen. The whole time, without having to be told, her eyes were either on him or, when his fingers moved closer to her eyes, they were closed. She couldn't help but feel disappointed when he finished, and his hands rested once again on the towel.
Immediately craving contact with him once more, she turned herself back around so that she again faced the ocean, scooting over slightly so that her left side was leaned against his right. Without a word, he shifted his weight to lean toward her, bracing himself against his right arm, which he anchored behind her, giving him an excuse to increase the area on which they leaned against each other. Smiling, he glanced down at her as her head fell against his shoulder, and was glad to see contentment written all over her face.
It was then that the heard their names being called loudly from not very far behind them. Of course, it was Sawyer, sounding very excited about something, as usual. They both turned to look over their right shoulders, almost as if they'd practiced doing so in synch with each other. Sarah, who was walking quickly to try to keep up with her son, had to stifle a chuckle. These two were too much.
Sawyer, for his part, was glad to see the two of them sitting up. Besides the fact that they weren't doing anything he didn't really want to see anyway, it would make giving them what he'd brought them – huge ice cream cones – that much easier.
"Jane! Uncle Kurt! Look at this!" Sawyer called loudly when he was within shouting distance. Sarah tried to close the gap in order to admonish her son about yelling on the beach, without success. Within a minute, Sawyer had plopped down on his knees on the towel in front of Jane and Kurt, handing each of them a waffle cone filled with slightly melted chocolate ice cream, both already threatening to drip over the sides.
"Look what we brought you!" the boy exclaimed proudly, presenting one first to Jane, then to his uncle. "You guys better eat it fast, before they melt all the way," he added.
"Mmmmm, that looks so good," Jane said, suddenly hungry again, glancing from the boy in front of her, up to Sarah, who had finally caught up with him and was standing nearby. "Thanks!" she said before quickly licking a drip from the side of the cone. Sawyer looked delighted that his idea had been a success.
"Thanks, buddy. Thanks, Sarah. That was nice of you guys," Kurt added, knowing that Sarah had played a part in it. If nothing else, she'd paid.
"See, mom! I told you it was a good idea!" Sawyer said gleefully to his mother.
"Well I never said it wasn't," Sarah interjected. "Your uncle and food would never be a bad idea, after all. Especially not ice cream." Kurt grinned, nodding his head. Sarah made an excellent point.
Jane leaned happily against Kurt, eating her ice cream as fast as she could so that it didn't drip all over her, but not too fast, so that she could enjoy the taste and avoid brain freeze.
"Hey, Sawyer," Kurt called. Jane turned to look at him and was surprised to see that he was already finishing his ice cream cone. Jane still had half of hers left, and she felt like she'd been eating fast!
"Did you just inhale that ice cream?" Jane asked, shocked. Everyone laughed at that, and Jane shook her head at him, turning back to her own rapidly melting ice cream.
Before the conversation had a chance to shift back to Sawyer, Kurt leaned down and whispered beside her ear, "Remember when I told you that you weren't the only one with hidden talents?" Though not for a particular reason other than the fact that he'd spoken so close to her, she blushed. He watched the side of her face turn pink yet again, and chuckled to himself.
"Yeah, Uncle Kurt?" Sawyer asked, curious what he'd been about to say.
"There's a playground a few blocks down. You want to go check it out?" Despite the fact that Sawyer was eleven and was suddenly claiming on a regular basis that he was "too old" for many of the things he'd loved to do not long ago, so far playing on the playground was not one of them.
Sawyer glanced at Sarah, who nodded slightly, and then back at Kurt. "Yeah!" he cried enthusiastically. Before Kurt could say anything else, Sawyer looked down at Jane, who was still working on finishing her ice cream. "What do you say, Jane? You're coming, right?" His face was full of hope, and Jane was surprised just how good it made her feel. He sincerely wanted her to go with them.
"Of course," she replied with a smile.
"At least let her finish her giant ice cream cone," Sarah told Sawyer hastily.
"That's okay," Jane assured them, "I'm almost done."
Kurt chuckled beside her. "Yeah, with everything I've seen her do in the field, I'm pretty sure she can handle eating and walking." She felt him lean closer to her for a second as he pressed a quick, light kiss into her hair before standing up, offering her a hand to pull her up as well. Holding her ice cream cone in her left hand, she gave him her right hand, allowing herself to be pulled upright.
"Do you want to come, mom?" Sawyer asked, realizing that she was the only one he wasn't sure of.
"Nope, you guys go ahead," Sarah said, waving her hand at them. "I'll happily lay here and read my book until you've tired yourselves out." Sawyer shook his head at her, but shrugged and turned towards Kurt.
"Okay, bye, mom!" he called, already starting to walk away.
"Have fun, you guys!" Sarah said, waving at them as she moved into the space that Jane and Kurt had just abandoned. Jane picked up the green beach bag and one of their still-not-quite-dry towels, throwing their sandals in the bag and saying "You just never know," and followed Kurt, who was attempting to keep up with Sawyer as he took off through the sand.
"Hey, Sawyer!" Kurt called with his hands cupped around his mouth. His nephew had gotten so far ahead, Kurt was fairly sure he wouldn't have heard him otherwise. When the boy turned around, Kurt motioned him back, as Jane and Kurt continued to walk forwards. Once he was in front of them again, Kurt explained, "We could walk the whole way down the beach, but the sand up here is loose and harder to walk on. It'll be easier to walk on the boardwalk until we get there, then come back down. Okay? Otherwise you'll wear yourself out faster."
Sawyer nodded in understanding, this time satisfying himself with walking more slowly in front of the adults, turning to give them impatient looks over his shoulder every twenty seconds of so. Kurt chuckled, his hand once again holding Jane's as they walked over the last stretch of sand to the steps up onto the boardwalk. "He's pretty impatient," he observed quietly. "Kind of reminds me of someone."
She looked over at him, a curious half smile on her face and her eyes wide, as if she was urging him to think carefully about his next words. "Oh, yeah?" she asked, pretending she didn't know what he was about to say. "And who would that be?" She handed each of them their sandals, and they slipped them on and continued walking.
"This girl I know," he replied with a smile. "I'm not sure if you know her." She turned and raised her eyebrows at him as he continued. "Dark hair. Green eyes. A bit of a daredevil, and stubborn as hell." Smiling, she glanced down, and then back up at him as if deep in thought.
"I don't think I know her," she replied, shaking her head.
"That's a shame," he told her regretfully, "because she's pretty amazing." She made a face at him, shook her head and bumped her shoulder against his arm playfully, conveniently chewing the last bite of her ice cream cone, unable to respond. "I should introduce you to her," he said, as if the idea had just occurred to him. "You guys have a lot in common."
"Dork," she said affectionately. Just then, Sawyer turned around once again, looking at them as he attempted to control his annoyance at their slow pace.
"Uncle Kurt, there it is!" he cried. His excitement was more fitting for a younger child, but it was cute to see him so excited. After all, he was on the cusp of the age where he wouldn't be excited about much, Kurt knew.
They were still blocks away, so Kurt couldn't quite justify letting Sawyer run ahead, as much as he wanted to – not as crowded as the boardwalk was. He tugged on Jane's hand and they picked up their pace, almost catching up with Sawyer.
When they finally reached the beach entrance closest to the playground, which stood in the shadow of the same Neptune statue that they'd taken a picture in front of the day before, Sawyer threw himself down the stairs, tripping in the sand at the bottom in his haste, and landing on his hands and knees. He looked back up at them and grinned, even more delighted, before scrambling forward, picking himself up as he ran for the play structure.
"And that's what the sand is for," Kurt laughed as he and Jane followed Sawyer down the stairs. Sawyer had already reached the play structure by the time the two adults got to the bottom of the four steps. The equipment was really mostly for younger kids, of which there were also a few, but Sawyer didn't seem to care. He simply watched out for them, stepping out of their way and making sure to leave them room to play as he moved around. The smaller kids, in turn, watched in awe as he made his way across the monkey bars at the far end, swinging from one rung to the next easily.
"They're looking at him like he's a superhero," Jane observed as they approached the structure, walking slowly. Kurt chuckled, looking from his nephew, who was crossing the bars easily, to the small group of younger kids who'd stopped playing to watch him. She couldn't help but notice the look of pride on Kurt's face.
As they walked closer, Jane looked around, slightly disappointed. "No swings at this playground, I guess," she lamented. Her second safe house, where the FBI had moved her after Marcos had broken into her first one, had been near a neighborhood playground, and she and Kurt had walked over there a few times. At the time, Kurt had been trying to cross as many common experiences off of her "Never Tried" list as possible, and playing on the playground had been one of the things on her list. Of all the equipment, the swings had been her favorite part.
It now seemed like a long time ago – it had been more than a year now, or more than half way back through her short memory – and it was only now that she and Kurt were back on good terms that she could let herself remember it fondly – even if the temporary leave of absence from work that she and Kurt had been on at the time had been due to her having contracted a severe case of poison ivy.
Since there were no swings, they sat down on a bench nearby. The posts holding it up were halfway buried in the sand, so the bench felt very short. Jane laughed as they sat down, looking down at it in confusion. "Why does this thing make me feel like a giant?" she asked.
A woman standing nearby, watching a toddler slowly climb the wide steps closest to them, turned in their direction and smiled. "They have to bring in sand to reinforce the beach every year," she said helpfully, smiling at Jane, "because the erosion is so bad here. So either they didn't quite distribute it right, or they just went a little overboard."
They were sitting down by now, albeit slightly awkwardly with their knees sticking up in the air in front of them, as if their feet sat on a footrest. Kurt's arm had automatically snaked along the back of the bench behind Jane, and she leaned into him on her right side, now so accustomed to this position that she did it without even thinking about it.
Jane smiled at the woman, nodding. "Well that makes sense," she replied. "Certainly more sense than that someone wanted me to feel like a giant." Jane thought back to what the woman in the shop on the pier had said about sand on the beach in Norfolk, the one with sea glass, being brought in from elsewhere as well. It was strange to think of a beach needing to be reinforced against the forces of nature. After all, a beach was a part of nature. She thought of the seven pieces of sea glass in the wooden box, tucked in the green bag by her feet, which led her thoughts to what Kurt had said, about her not being like sea glass, despite what she thought.
"Well, you are beautiful. But you're not broken. Scratched, maybe, cracked even, but not broken. And certainly not in pieces. You shouldn't think of yourself that way. I certainly don't."
She trusted his opinion more than anyone else's in the world… and repeating his words over again to herself only made her affection for him deepen… so why couldn't she quite believe them?
Because you've been in a place where you lost everything before – twice – the voice in her head replied matter-of-factly. It's scary to think you could end up there again, losing everything important to you. The more you have, the more you have to lose. And right now, you have something better than you've ever had before.
There was a faraway look on her face when Kurt looked down at her, as if she was once again lost in her thoughts. She didn't look upset, per se, just as if she was somewhere else. Her right knee was propped up on his left leg, her leg folded under her and her left leg bent and stretched back along the bench on the far side of her. He took advantage of this, his fingers lazily tracing the ink lines just above her right knee, staying within three or four inches of it and then reversing their course back to where they'd started. The fact that she didn't seem to have noticed him doing it told him just how lost in thought she really was.
Glancing up, he watched Sawyer for a few minutes, his fingers moving across the almost imperceptible ridges left by the ink under her skin. He'd never really noticed it before, since he was usually looking at her skin while tracing the lines, but he could actually feel the slightest ridges where the ink lines lay. It was like discovering her tattoos all over again in a whole new way, and he was fascinated.
He looked back down at her again, noticing that she still seemed just as far away as she had when he'd last glanced at her. Despite the fact that she still didn't look upset, he couldn't help but be slightly concerned. After all, he knew Jane's demons, sometimes even better than Jane knew them herself. His fingers stilled, his hand flattening over her knee and squeezing gently. In response, he saw her begin to stir from her thoughts, slowly turning to look at him.
Leaning his head down close to hers, he asked quietly, "You okay?"
Jane smiled slowly, her eyes still slightly unfocused, before turning to look up at him with the full force of her smile. "Much better than okay," she replied. "I was just thinking."
"Oh yeah?" he asked. "About what?" He knew that if she didn't want to tell him, she wouldn't.
She shrugged. Continuing to smile as she focused on Sawyer talking to a toddler, she replied simply, "You." Gazing down at his hand that still lay flat on her knee, she covered it with her own right hand. In response, he turned his hand palm side up beneath hers, so that he could intertwine their fingers, then gave her hand a squeeze. It was the strangest thing, but she felt like they'd had a whole conversation, when in reality they had uttered fifteen words between the two of them. Her very next thought was that it shouldn't surprise her, since they'd held many conversations between the two of them with even fewer words before, some without any words. It was one of the things that made their bond so special.
For no reason in particular, Jane realized just then that she'd forgotten to see if Patterson had replied to the text she'd sent earlier, with the pictures attached. Jane hadn't looked at her phone at all since she'd sent it that morning. Knowing Patterson, she'd replied pretty quickly and had been climbing the walls to know more details even since.
Jane reached down for the bag with her left hand and pulled out her phone, pressing the button to illuminate the screen and revealing enough text notifications that the boxes didn't all fit on her screen at once. "Wow," she said, which prompted Kurt to lean over her shoulder to see what she was looking at.
The first one was from Patterson. Actually, most of them were from Patterson, though Jane saw Zapata's name in one of the boxes as well. Jane swiped across Patterson's last box, bringing up her texts. The first one read, Jane!Looks like you two are having fun ;) I need details! Jane smiled, because that was exactly what she would expect from Patterson.
The next bubble read, Just what are you two doing that you can't even text your friends back? And then, when Jane hadn't replied, she'd added, Don't do anything I wouldn't do ;) We won't forget about this come Monday.
Kurt chuckled, and she leaned against him, feeling herself turn what was rapidly becoming a familiar shade of pink.
"Do we know what it is that Patterson wouldn't do?" he asked curiously. She was leaning against his chest, and his voice seemed to rumble from deep inside it against her ear.
"I'm not sure," Jane replied cautiously, "but I think so far she would approve." Kurt brought his left arm off of the back of the bench, bending his elbow so that he could rest his hand on her neck. Her eyes closed involuntarily when he did, thinking that if given the chance, she would happily stay exactly where she was indefinitely.
She realized that she should say something in reply to Patterson, or there was a good chance she'd receive more of the same type of texts. Opening her eyes reluctantly, she carefully extracted her right hand from his, shifting the phone so that she could type. Her reply, on which she also added Zapata's name to the addressee line, for good measure, said, Let's just say, we're having a great weekend. ;) Weller says hi, and "thanks for picking the bikini, Patterson."
She held the phone up slightly for him to read her message before she sent it, and she could feel another rumble in his chest as he chuckled at the words she'd chosen. "Yes, I do," he agreed. "Thank you very much." Looking over it one more time, she hit Send, then put her phone back in her bag. She knew she wouldn't get away that easily, but she also knew that both Patterson and Zapata would pepper her with questions in person no matter what she said now. It was best to keep it simple.
They'd been glancing up at Sawyer frequently, keeping an eye on him, but somehow they were still surprised when he suddenly flopped down in the sand only a few feet in front of them only seconds after Jane had put her phone back in the beach bag. "You guys want to go?" he asked, his eyes moving back and forth from his uncle to Jane.
Jane's first thought in response to Sawyer's question was No, not really, I'm good where I am, thanks, but she smiled, finally letting it sink into her head that what she was feeling – this contentment mixed with giddiness – wasn't unique to one place, but instead that it followed wherever she and Kurt went together. It was hard to get used to, and yet it was a welcome realization every time.
Kurt chuckled at Sawyer, now sprawled out in the sand in front of them dramatically. "Why, not enough action here?" he asked his nephew.
Sawyer just shrugged. "It's more for little kids, and I don't want to hurt them. All the kids my age are down on the beach…"
Jane and Kurt both nodded in understanding. "Do you want to walk back down by the water? Or on the boardwalk?" He asked, letting Sawyer decide this time.
"Definitely the water," he replied immediately, springing back up in excitement. Jane and Kurt managed to get themselves up off of the bench, helping to pull each other up. Jane collected their sandals, which had all been kicked off already, putting them back in the bag. They walked down to where the water was just lapping at the shore, people everywhere, before turning to walk back toward where they'd left Sarah.
"Don't get too far ahead of us, buddy," Kurt reminded Sawyer. Once again, he took Jane's hand, squeezing it for no other reason than he felt like it.
It was then, as they started following the rambunctious eleven year old down the beach, that Jane realized for the first time that she hadn't put a towel around herself, hadn't put her clothes back on, hadn't covered her tattoos at all, other than what little was hidden by the red bikini… and that she hadn't given it another thought since before they'd left Sarah by the towels. She'd completely forgotten to be self-conscious this entire time. Stopping in her tracks, utterly shocked, she heard Kurt asking her what was wrong. She stood staring ahead, open mouthed, for a few seconds, before shaking her head slowly, then looking back down at herself and back up at him, her surprise written plainly on her face.
"I was wondering when you were going to notice," he said, tugging her hand to urge her onward, not wanting to lose sight of Sawyer. She just shook her head again, waiting to see how she felt about herself now that she was conscious of the fact that only a small fraction of her tattoos were covered. Her eyes darted to a few people around her and she felt the familiar prickling sensation of what she swore were eyes on her, even when she wasn't looking in the direction they were coming from…
But what's so different between now and five minutes ago? she asked herself. The answer, of course, was nothing. Nothing had changed. If they were looking at her now, then they'd been looking at her then. And yet she hadn't given it a second thought. It wasn't as simple as just deciding not to care, of course, and yes, of course there would be lots of people staring at her – that would always be the case. She knew these things like the back of her hand by now. However, at that moment she simply decided that she wasn't going to think about it. It wouldn't always work, of course, but she'd take it where she could get it.
Kurt had been glancing between Jane and Sawyer, concentrating mostly on his nephew, while also attempting not to step on any small children who darted into their path. He couldn't help but notice, however, that Jane seemed to be standing up a little straighter, her expression slightly more resolute. When he squeezed her hand, she turned to look at his with a genuine smile, not a forced one. He was relieved to see her looking more confident, because really, she had every reason to. He got why it was hard, but of course… well, he wasn't objective when it came to Jane, and he never had been. That was simply the way it was.
They finally reached the beach by 25th Street, recognizing it from the water by the lifeguard stand near the towels, where they looked up to see Sarah still reading her book. They stopped and watched Sawyer run in her direction, calling a greeting to his mom and then stopping short of her when he reached the same boy he'd been discussing sand castles earlier. Sarah looked in their direction and waved, smiling, then looked back down at her book once more.
"You want to walk a little more?" he asked, taking a half step closer to her now that he didn't have to worry about keeping track of Sawyer.
"I'd really like to go somewhere and just… sit," she replied, thinking that it probably sounded crazy, because they could easily have walked up to where Sarah was and sat on their towels.
"What, you don't want to go chat with Sarah and have her grin at us?" he asked, smiling broadly and understanding exactly what she was talking about.
"Your sister is great but… not right now," Jane conceded, glad that he'd said it first.
"Where do you want to go?" he asked her. "On the beach? Off the beach? Food? Coffee? Nap?"
She considered the suggestion of nap for half a second, both because she did feel a little worn out from being in the sun all morning and because she liked the idea of being snuggled up with him. But then, of course, there was the same slight awkwardness she'd felt the previous night… They still had another night at the beach house during which she had to decide how she felt and what she wanted, and she didn't need to add any extra awkwardness before that.
Her second favorite of his suggestions was coffee, which, since she wasn't having a nap, she figured she might as well have. There was still plenty of afternoon left to come back to the beach after that, after all. And if that concert Sarah had mentioned earlier was going to be something they wanted to see, she might need some extra energy. Yep, coffee sounded like a good idea.
"You had me at coffee," she told him, which made him laugh. He didn't realize she'd learned that particular pop culture reference.
"I have you, huh?" he asked, looking directly at her.
"Shut up," she told him, landing a playful punch on his arm. "But… yes, you do."
"So coffee, means… we're walking pretty much right back to where we just came from," he told her, dropping her hand reluctantly and turning back the way they had just come from.
She shrugged her shoulders and smiled. "I have no other plans," she said calmly, completely unfazed.
"Beach or boardwalk?" he asked, referring to where she preferred to walk.
"Beach," she replied. After all, they were already there.
They began walking back the way they'd just come. Kurt had already consulted his phone and found that there was a Starbucks a block past 30th Street, where the cross street met Pacific Avenue – in other words, less than two blocks from the Neptune statue.
His arm slipped back over her shoulders as they retraced their steps, her arm sliding around his waist as if it was the most natural thing in the world. And why shouldn't it be, by this point? Otherwise, she decided, it wouldn't have kept happening seemingly of its own accord.
I could get used to this, she thought suddenly. Wasn't that what he'd told her? To get used to it? She felt a twinge in her chest, the protective instinct that told her to beware of such ideas, because she would only end up hurt in the end. She knew, of course, that nothing was certain, but just then she decided to stop second guessing things and let herself be happy – for however long it lasted. She couldn't know the future, of course, but the present… well, the present was pretty amazing.
