Welcome to Chapter Five of the Guide to the Demigod World! This chapter will have tips and tricks on god/demigod relations, best restaurants to go to on Olympus, and…

An exclusive interview with Zeus! So read on, my cousins/siblings, because this will be an important chapter to all children of the gods. (Which of course you are.) (Jake's AN: For this edition of Alton Karr's Guide to the Demigod World, I have removed the Mist from these pages. Anyone can read it, but no one will believe it.)

So, the first thing every child of the gods needs to know was specified in Chapter One, since it is very important to get into your mind: Your godly parent doesn't care about you or your problems. They're gods. You're a puny half-blood.

Secondly: They will not help you. Occasionally the powers of the gods will extend to their children; occasionally you will get a 'blessing' from one of them. It really doesn't mean anything; don't read into it.

Thirdly: Once you've accepted that your parent would probably prefer you dead to alive, we can move on. Here's a word of warning: Read up on the godly feuds. Poseidon/Hades, Poseidon/Athena, Artemis/Aphrodite, Ares/Hephaestus, Zeus/Pretty much everyone.

Because these can be the difference between life and death. If, for example, Percy Jackson, son of Poseidon, takes a plane: Zeus will smite him. Which means he will throw a lightning bolt equivalent to four A-bombs at the plane, instantly vaporizing Percy and everyone else on board.

So you might even say the gods are keeping an eye on the other gods' children more than their own.

So you have to watch out and avoid your parents' enemies domains. Because you do not want to get smitten (past tense smite).


Here's another tip: How to get a god's blessing.

Ares: Do a great feat of bravery/strength.

Athena: Selfless act that will save something precious to her.

Aphrodite: Get into a mess of love and crushes, and get the girl/boy.

Hephaestus: Save something of his, or do a favor for him.

Nike: Win against great enemies.

So far, those are the only gods in our list. However, in later editions we may have added more, so make sure to get each new Guide for more tips 'n' tricks.


Now we can hear a bit about Olympus itself. The mountain was originally a real, landlocked, mass of stone and dirt in Greece, that mortals could actually climb. (However, they knew better than to do that; Zeus would smite them.)

However, as Western civilization moved on, the mountaintop floated along with the advancement, always moving West. So now, obviously, it's in New York. 600th floor of the Empire State building.

The mountain itself is accessible to demigods and monsters; however, audiences with Zeus must have an appointment. The throne room is off limits unless you're invited, in a life-or-death situation, or you're gonna save the Olympians' godly butts.

The thunder just rumbled. Maybe skip this part.

Anyway, on Olympus, they do have mortal food for some reason. All they ever need is nectar and ambrosia. But when you've hit your limit with the godly food, the pizza stand right to your left when you first step onto the mountain is the best thing ever. And if you want meat, they have a good barbecue place on the corner of Δ and Θ.

If you want to learn more about Olympus, here are some more guide books, all available in the Camp Store.

Olympian Architecture by Annabeth Chase

Best Vegetarian Olympian Meals by Grover Underwood

The Home of the Gods by Hestia

Quick Drachma: How to Make a Fortune on Olympus! by Travis Stoll

History of the Gods by Annabeth Chase

Olympus' Streets by Alton Karr

Okay. Here is the interview with Lord Zeus; he made me cut out two more books and a paragraph about Olympian skydiving so he could get in first. Here it is.


Alton: Lord Zeus?

Lord Zeus: Yes, demigod. What is it.

A: Would you let me interview you for a guidebook for campers?

LZ: What campers?

A: At Camp Half-Blood.

LZ: My son Jason would know more about it.

A: Er…yes, my lord. But would you give a few words of wisdom for our new campers?

LZ: Yes, of course, demigod. Now, one thing to remember, is to sacrifice to your godly parent every night. Um…and also me, the king of the gods. Else I will smite you.

A: Yes sir.

LZ: I was not finished, boy! Now, you must also remember to respect the gods, especially me, the king.

A: Yes sir.

LZ: Quiet! Lastly: My son Dionysus is not allowed to drink wine or any sort of alchohol. So if you see him drinking, report it immediately to Chiron or your godly parent. And if it's you, Pollux, I will smite you if I find out that you've kept it a secret.

A: Yes sir. But remember, sir, we're trying to encourage the campers, not frighten them.

LZ: I am the king of the gods! This guide will be whatever I say it will be!


This interview was unfortunately cut off.

Okay. Now there will be a section on monster fighting, then a never-before-seen sneak-peek…of something that's going to be a surprise.

Telkhine

This is a type of sea demon, with heads of dogs, bodies of seals, and flipper/hand-like arms and legs.

Weaknesses: No armor, slow, some stupidity. They are very slow. VERY SLOW.

Strengths: Fire immunity, good at making weapons and machinery. They also can sense gods coming, making it easier for them to hide.

How to bring them down: Hit them with something sharp. And avoid them if they're throwing fire at you.

Myrmeke

This is a kind of ant. An ant that is the size of a golden retriever. They live in the Ant Hill, a mound of dirt in the forest, at least two stories high. No one except Charles Beckendorf, Percy Jackson, Annabeth Chase, and Silena Beauregard have survived. (And the first and last are now dead.)

Weaknesses: They are still ants, so they have no planning or strategy, except to run at you an try to kill you. They are dumb. And they'll ignore you if you don't seem to be a threat.

Strengths: Poison in their pincers, strong jaws, hard shell, and they never attack alone. Always in packs of fifty or more. Imagine two wolf packs with poison and armor. Leave these guys alone.

How to bring them down: Don't try, but aim for the chinks and seams in their shell. Move quickly to avoid their poisonous jaws.

Okay, time for the sneak peek! This is a new invention by Leo Valdez, son of Hephaestus! He has announced that he is beginning construction of something big that he says will change the lives of demigods everywhere: A monster-safe mobile phone! This means that we can use cellphones like normal people, and the monsters won't sense us! This invention is expected to be available by March, in the Camp Store for only ninety-five drachma, or $199.95.

And lastly, a few words.

Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

What? Plenty of Hogwarts students are children or legacies of Hecate.

And that concludes Chapter Five of my Guide to the Demigod World!

Please please please review! I'll give you imaginary blue cookies and other stuff! Maybe even a PM!

And if you're a guest who says something mean because you hide behind your mask of anonymity, all I have to say is:

You disgust me.