Warnings: Lots of sex between two men. Affair. Cheating. If you see something else that you want warning for just tell me and I'll add it!
These last two chapters are not beta-ed so I hope I didn't mess up too much!
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Buzz took a shaky breath as the bedroom door slammed shut. Falling onto the couch he buried his face in his hands trying his hardest not to let the tears fall. The fight wasn't over and he wasn't going to let himself fall apart just yet.
That did nothing to stop the guilt that had been slowly eating away at him. The last thing that he had wanted to do was hurt his wife as much as he was. He had known that it was going to end this way though.
Carlton had told him time and time again that no matter how it was said she was going to end up getting hurt. Buzz had come to terms with that, but he never thought it was going to be as bad as it was.
His breath caught in his chest at that thought. Buzz could admit that he had never truly been 'in love' with Francine, but that dint' meant that he didn't love her. She was his best friend and had been for years.
That was why he had asked her to marry him. She was...She was safe. She made him laugh and knew how to make him feel better after a long day. She knew him inside out and still staying by him through it all.
He had thought that that meant love. Now that he stopped to think about it he realized just how stupid and childish he had been. After two years of marriage and he finally knew what love was. It just wasn't with the right person.
He had fallen head over heals in love with Carlton. Something that had started long before they started their affair. It was the main reason that he kept going back for more even then the older man tried to push him away.
Before Buzz could think any further he heard the door once more. Looking up he saw tears streaming down his best friends face and felt something in him break. A sob escaped his throat as his body started to shake.
In the back of his mind he knew that he couldn't bring himself to regret being with Carlton. Four months of having a true relationship with the older man and he was more than happy than he could ever remember being.
Saturday's had become his favorite day for the fact that they almost got to spend them together. They had to be careful not to be seen, but they always had a wonderful time together. He loved that time more than anything.
Then they'd get back to Carlton's place to have drinks. Hours upon hours were spent talking about everything under the sun and for the first time it felt as if someone truly understood what he was saying even when he didn't say it.
Though there were nights where not a word was spoken. Both men would curl up on Carlton's couch either working on a case or reading a book or watching TV. Hell, there were times when they were simply lying together.
Of course, there were also times where the second the door was closed they were on one another. Their hands tearing at each others clothes needing to feel the other pressed against them. Needing to know they weren't as alone as they thought.
Other times they would go slow trying to find everything that made the other moan in pleasure. They'd take their time for the sheer fact that they both enjoyed everything that came with being able to simply explore the others body.
After that they'd fall asleep together. Sometimes Buzz would end up with his head on Carlton's chest. Strong hands held him completely safe from the rest of the world while his heartbeat would lull him into a peaceful sleep.
Sometimes Carlton was the one curling around Buzz. Those were the nights Buzz loved the most. The older man actually trusted him enough to look after him when they were sleeping. It was amazing.
When their relationship started Buzz hadn't know what to expect. He knew that he was physically attracted to Carlton, but he never thought beyond a few dreams that he had no real control over.
Then he saw Carlton practically falling over from exhaustion. The last thing he had thought would happen was them having sex, but he couldn't leave the older man to deal with it alone. That wasn't who he was.
Carlton had needed help. Truthfully, Buzz knew that he had needed help long before that. It just happened to be the first time that the older man hadn't really been able to push away the help Buzz was offering.
It wasn't Buzz's proudest moment when they kissed, but he hadn't backed down. He had wanted to know what Carlton felt like outside of a dream. Because of that he didn't try to stop anything.
Their first night together should have been the end of it. He should have walked away like the other man did. He should have felt guilty for cheating on the woman that he loved, but all he wanted was to fall into bed with his superior once more.
"I'm sorry," Buzz gasped between sobs, "I'm so sorry."
"Oh, Sweetie," Francine said sitting on the couch and pulling him into a hug.
"I shouldn't have… I should have just… I'm a horrible person."
"You're not going to hear me argue with you on that right now. I think you're actually a lot worse than horrible."
Looking up at the woman Buzz saw her brown eyes were red and puffy. Her normally perfect make-up streaked down her face. He had never seen her look like that and the only person that was to blame was himself.
"Francine," Buzz stared at the woman as she wiped the tears away, "I never should have..."
"Cheated on me," the woman attempted to fill in.
"Asked you to marry me."
The woman pulled away as if she'd been shocked. Buzz hated himself for having to hurt her even more. He had to tell her the truth though. She needed to know that everything that was happening started long ago.
Taking a deep breath Buzz took his friends hands in his own. He could actually see her heart breaking in her eyes. She was right. He was so much worse than a horrible person. So, so much worse than a horrible person.
"Buzz," Francine prompted fear clear in her voice.
"Everyone knew we were making a mistake," Buzz shook his head.
"You… You fought. Every single time you fought. You yelled, kicked, screamed every single time!"
Francine jumped up from the couch and took a few steps away. He could see her body shaking slightly so he stood up. He wasn't sure if she was crying of if she was simply was just that upset with him.
Stepping towards her Buzz reached out to rest a hand on her shoulder only to have her whip around and smacked him across the face. More shocked than anything else the Officer fell back onto the couch.
Raising his hand to his face Buzz felt something wet on his fingertips. He pulled his hand back only to see blood on it. His eyes were wide at the sight, but he couldn't blame the woman for doing so. He deserved it.
Francine's eyes were just as wide when she saw the blood. She opened her mouth to say something only to stop. Maybe she was about to apologize, but he was truly glad that she ended up trailing off instead.
"You..." the woman started before taking a deep breath, "You son of a bitch!"
"Francine!" Buzz gasped never having heard the woman cuss before.
"Can you actually say I'm wrong? You're the one that pushed for it until even I thought it was a good idea!"
"You don't want to marry me? Why didn't you say anything before now?"
"Of course I wanted to marry you, Buzz. I just… I thought we were moving too quickly. We were… We are so young. We were each others first loves."
"Why did you say yes then? If you had so many doubts about us why would you say yes to me?"
"Because I love you!"
All of the woman's energy seemed to drain out of Francine at her scream. Buzz caught her before she could hit the floor holding tightly even as her fists beat at his chest trying to get away from him.
It didn't take long before the fists unfurled and moved so they were clinging to Buzz's shirt. The couple sat on the ground trying to get a hold on their emotions knowing they weren't done talking just yet.
"I love you," Francine whispered almost desperately.
"I love you too," Buzz replied instantly, "Just… Just not the way I should."
"I don't understand how this happened. What did I do wrong? What did I do that pushed you into the arms of another person?"
Grabbing the woman's face Buzz forced her to look at him. She looked so lost and confused as she tried to understand all that he had thrown at her. It hurt more than anything to think that she was convinced it was her fault.
"Listen to me, Francine," Buzz spoke his voice firm, "You did nothing wrong. You are not to blame and you are not the reason why I did this."
"Then why?"
"Because I was young and stupid. I thought that I had the world figured out and there was nothing anyone could have said that would have told me anything different."
"You… You married me because you wanted to prove people wrong?"
"No! No. I asked you to marry me because I thought I was in love with you. I didn't listen to people telling me to take things slowly and figure everything out."
"But you… You loved me?"
"I was never 'in love' with you though. No matter how much I love you I just… It wasn't enough."
Francine shook her head before standing up and making her way towards the front door. Buzz watched as she warred with herself before turning back to him. He sat there for a moment wondering what to do next.
"You're in love now?" Francine asked not knowing if she wanted to know the truth.
"Maybe," Buzz nodded running a hand through his hair, "I don't know."
"How is this any different than what you did to me then? Are you just going to get bored with them too?"
"I won't."
"How do you know that? How do you know you won't break their heart too?"
Staring at his friend Buzz wondered how he was supposed to explain what he felt for Carlton. He knew that she was only looking out for him and her and probably for Carlton. Even if she didn't want to admit it. Of course, she was a good person.
It was different though. Not because he was a man or because Buzz was older now. It wasn't because Buzz was trying to go slow this time It wasn't even because Carlton knew the worst part of Buzz and this situation was truly the wost in him.
The more he thought about it the more he realized that the answer was easy. It was what he wanted. He wasn't doing anything for anyone or because anyone thought it was a good idea. It was all for himself and Carlton. It was so freeing.
In the back of his mind Buzz knew that it wasn't a good enough reason to be doing everything he was. It was the only reason that he had though. For the first time he was simply doing something for the sake of doing it instead of thinking about his future.
"Buzz?" Francine called trying to get his attention.
"Sorry," Buzz shook his head trying to focus again, "I was thinking."
"About which excuse you're going to use?"
"Of course not! I was thinking about not having to be someone I'm not anymore."
"And who are you?"
"I have no idea. Francine, can you honestly tell me that you're happy? That this is what you wanted to be? Who you used to dream of being as a child?"
"Well, no, not exactly, but plans change. You just follow..."
"Your heart? I got lost. Somewhere I got lost and I convinced myself that I wasn't. That this was what I wanted."
Tears had begun to streak down her face once more causing Buzz to sigh. He knew that telling his wife about the affair was the right thing to do, but maybe he should have let her simply believe that he was a complete bastard.
With every word that he spoke he could see her heart break more and more. He was simply trying to explain everything to her. Instead he was making everything worse and probably making it all the worse for her.
"Maybe I shouldn't have..." Buzz shook his head standing up.
"I deserve to know the truth if you're going to throw everything that we have away," Francine demanded with a glare her arms crossing over her chest, "You will explain to me that you won't do this to another person!"
"I can't. I don't even know if I'm going to do this again. I promise you that this is the last thing that I want to do. I think… I think I'm falling in love with him."
"More than you love me?"
Shaking his head Buzz reached out for the woman before pulling away. It wasn't his right to comfort her anymore. As much as he wanted to be friends with her he knew that it was a complete delusion.
"I think it's a different type of love. I thought that I was in love with you, but I'm… I'm realizing that I might have mistaken the love of friendship with being 'in love'."
"Buzz," Francine sighed before stopping.
"Please, continue. Yell at me, hit me, cuss me out if you need to, but don't blame yourself. I did this to myself and I drug you down with me."
"I don't want to yell or hit you. Right now… Right now I want you to grab your things and get out of my home."
"I… Okay, I can do that."
Taking a deep breath Buzz walked through the house and began to grab things that held a special place with him or he would need for the rest of the week. Coming back might not be an option for awhile.
By the time his bag was packed and he was in his car his heart was pounding and his eyes burned with tears. Without thinking Buzz ended up driving to Carlton's place and sitting outside in the car.
For a moment he wasn't sure if he had come to the right place. He can Carlton weren't completely firm in their relationship just yet. Then he saw the door open. Taking a deep breath Buzz got out of his car and walked up to his love with shaky legs.
"Let's go to bed," Carlton whispered taking the younger man's bag.
