There was no way in hell Emily was taking her car into the neighborhood Matt had described. As much as public transportation revolted her, she figured it was the best option for not coming back to a car with no tires, or to no car at all. So she and Matt met up at a bus stop not too far from his hotel and boarded the first bus to Lincoln Heights.
The bus reeked of oil and body odor. It was all Emily could do not to gag as she took a seat in the far back. Matt sat down beside her. "Ugh, buses are so disgusting," Em muttered under her breath.
"It's not a long ride. You'll live."
"You don't know that. The stench might kill me."
Thankfully it wasn't too crowded at this time of the morning. No one sat too close to them. As soon as the bus was in motion, Emily said, "So tell me about Jess. You said you would."
He fumbled a bit. "You, uh, sure you don't want to just–"
"No. Tell me now."
"Okay, fine." Matt's voice was low, barely a murmur. "What I meant by her 'situation' is that…she's an addict."
Emily felt her spine lock. "What's she addicted to?"
"Heroin."
"Oh my God, what?!" Emily responded louder than she meant to. Matt quickly shushed her.
"She doesn't leave her apartment. I guess she needed something to keep living for. Or a way to forget things."
"So she chose that?!"
"Well, see, what I was saying about her roommates was that they're in the same situation. They're both addicts, too. It was probably real easy for her to get started."
"Okay, so you – you've been talking to her all these years, and you just…didn't do anything about this? Didn't try to get her clean? Didn't try to get her to leave her fucking apartment? That's a pathetic fucking life!"
Matt quieted her again. "Emily, you can't make someone get clean. Trust me, I tried. They have to want to do it themselves. And I tried to get her to come outside too, to get her back in touch with the real world. She can't. Not the way she is now."
"Once she and I are on good terms again, all that is going to change." Emily straightened her spine, meeting Matt eye-to-eye.
"You can't expect to just barge into her life like that and make everything great again." Matt shook his head. "She's delicate. And no offense Em, but you're kind of a bull in a china shop when it comes to delicate situations."
"Maybe she needs a bull in her life. Not a bunch of pushovers and enablers."
Matt's jaw clenched. He looked as if he were about to say something, but he opted not to.
"What happened to Mike?" she continued. "He supposedly loved her so much. How did he let her get like this?"
"She told me he used to come by, but it got to be less and less often as time went on. I guess eventually he just stopped showing up altogether."
"Of course. Mister Representative would never want to be seen hanging out in the slums." Emily crossed her arms and turned to look out the window. Not that there was much scenery to take in, unless you were fond of dilapidated buildings and empty lots full of garbage. How was this the same city she called home? And how had Jessica, pampered princess Jessica, ended up living in this putrid place?
Heroin... Emily wasn't exceptionally knowledgeable about drugs, but she knew that was a bad one. Possibly one of the worst. You didn't turn to that kind of drug for fun or to liven up a party. It was the kind you reached for when you had nothing else in your life.
The bus hit a massive pothole, sending Emily crashing into Matt. Luckily he wasn't fazed by her light impact. She murmured an apology anyway. He waved it off.
She wished she could have brought her purse. There was probably something in there that could detract from the silent awkwardness of the ride, and at least momentarily take her thoughts off Jessica's situation.
She slipped her phone from her jeans pocket. "Put that away," Matt immediately whispered. "Or it's gonna get grabbed right outta your hand."
Rolling her eyes, Emily put it away.
The bus stop couldn't come any quicker, but at the same time Emily found herself feeling a little nauseous once they reached it. This was it. After ten long years, she was finally going to see Jessica again.
Despite living in L.A. her entire life, Emily had never even set foot in this part of it. It was a filthy little shithole, a dark alley in the big, bright city. She'd donned her most "casual" clothes – her favorite Versace jeans, a slouchy white Armani tee, and a pair of designer flats whose brand name marker had worn off. "Do I blend in?" she asked Matt as they stepped off the bus and onto the sidewalk.
"Oh yeah." Matt pulled the brim of his cap low, partially obscuring his face. "Right in."
"What's that supposed to mean?" She trotted after him as he hurried down the street.
He paused just long enough to let her catch up. "Just keep your head down, eyes on the ground, and keep walking. Don't look at anybody."
"What? Why?"
"Just trust me, okay? I've been here before. I know how to get in and out safe."
Emily reluctantly followed his lead, trying to squelch her usual saunter in favor of a slouched shuffle.
"The people here aren't necessarily dangerous," Matt murmured as they walked, "but some of 'em, you know, they're desperate. They're looking for people who don't look like they belong here. The folks who live in these parts pretty much have nothing, and they know that. Oblivious outsiders are their best shot."
"How many times have you been here?" Emily asked.
Matt tucked his hands into his pockets. "A bunch."
"Even after you moved to San Francisco?"
"Yeah."
He managed to keep in touch with Jessica, she internally berated herself. You told yourself you'd fix your friendship with her. But you let it go because it was 'too hard'. You're living in the same city!
Matt stopped in front of a decaying stoop. "This is it."
Emily followed him up the broken steps and into the graffiti-and-dirt-stained building. The place was falling apart, inside and out. "Do we…check in, or something?" she asked, eyeing an abandoned front desk with a phone on it.
"Nah." Matt headed straight for the stairwell, through a doorway to the poorly-lit staircase.
"This place is horrible," Em whispered. Matt nodded, but didn't say anything. He stopped on the second floor and pushed open the heavy, rusting metal door. A few chips of its blue paint fell off. Emily stepped around them.
"She's in apartment nineteen." Matt strode to the end of the hall, apparently knowing exactly where apartment nineteen was. Emily followed him. Sure enough, the door he'd stopped at had a rusty metal '19' hanging over it.
Matt knocked on the door. There was no answer for several moments. Then the door crept open a few inches.
"Who are you?" a girl's voice inquired from within.
"Hey Camila. It's Matt." He leaned forward to give the inquirer a clearer view.
The door opened wider. A tan-skinned girl with red-streaked brown hair stood in the doorway. She immediately nodded at Emily. "Who's this?"
"I'm an old friend of Jessica's." Emily tried to peer in around the girl. The girl moved into her way.
"Jess is busy right now. Come back later."
"What is she 'busy' doing?" Emily stepped toward the girl. The girl instantly shifted into a combative stance.
"Em," Matt warned, "back off."
"Fuck off. I want to see Jess."
"I told you, she's fucking busy."
"Well when will she be available?"
The girl glanced back inside. "I don't know. Prob'ly like twenty minutes?"
"Would you mind if we waited inside?" Matt asked gently.
The girl seemed to consider it. "If you're totally quiet," she eventually said.
They crept inside. The girl closed the door softly behind them and locked it. Emily reached for her shoes. "No, keep 'em on," Matt said.
The place was a mess. Empty bottles and assorted garbage littered the floor and the end tables by the dingy couch. The windows were drawn shut with ratty curtains. Only the weak, yellowed light of a small end table lamp (there were two lamps, but one was not on and appeared broken) prevented the place from being cast into total darkness. Somebody's paper plate with picked-over old food on it was sitting on one armrest of the couch. Before they sat down Emily picked it up with two fingers and tried not to make a face as she set it down near the broken lamp.
"So where's Alicia?" Matt whispered to the girl as he sat down beside Emily.
"At work," the girl responded.
"Oh, she got the job?"
"Yeah."
Emily looked around, paying their small talk little mind. The apartment was so grimy, and it gave off such an aura of hopelessness. She couldn't imagine being confined to this place.
As she shifted in her seat, her shoe landed on something round, like a pen. She glanced down and paled a little. There was a hypodermic needle sticking out from under the couch. Okay, I guess that's why Matt told me to keep my shoes on.
They waited for what felt like an eternity, though it was probably only about fifteen minutes. Then a door to another room swung open, and a woman…
Holy shit.
It took Emily several long seconds to realize the woman was Jess. Her hair, no longer the bleached-blonde it had been dyed for years, had faded back to its natural light brown, and was pulled into a sloppy ponytail. She was dressed in nothing but a racerback bra and boyshorts and God, she was so fucking scrawny! She looked like a living skeleton.
"Jess, put some clothes on," the girl called out to her. "You got visitors."
Jessica turned toward them, seemingly just noticing their presence. Her usual warm green eyes were glassy and a little unfocused, and from what Emily could see her pupils were practically non-existent. "Oh, hold on," she said before she disappeared back into the room.
Emily looked over at Matt. He didn't seem fazed by her appearance, indicating it wasn't anything new.
"I'll get out of here," the girl that had let them in, Camila, piped up. "Have fun with Jess." She grabbed a worn-out-looking purse and strolled out of the apartment.
Jessica returned moments later, in a fluffy pink robe that looked as if it had seen better days. She wandered over to where they sat waiting. Emily noticed she still walked with a crookedness to her gait. Her wounded leg must never have healed properly. And as she got closer, Em could see the faded scars down the left side of her face.
Jessica smiled a slow, wide smile when she saw Matt. Her teeth were golden yellow. "Hiiii Matt!" Her words were as slow and lazy as her smile. "Did you tell me you were coming? If you did then I guess I forgot."
"No, I was just around and I figured I'd drop by." He nodded to Emily. "Look who came to see ya."
Emily couldn't even fake amicability. She stared blankly at Jessica, trying to think of something to say.
It seemed to take Jess a minute to realize who she was looking at. "Oh my God." She plunked herself down on the couch next to Em and looked her up and down. "Emily."
"…Hi, Jess." Guilt gnawed at her insides. Jessica looked like shit. Would she have ended up this way if Emily hadn't abandoned her? "It's…been a while."
Jessica leaned against her shoulder. "I missed you. Where have you been all this time?"
"Jess, I'm so sorry," she blurted. "I shouldn't have abandoned you like I did. I just…didn't know what to do…I felt like I couldn't help you and I just…"
"Em," Matt spoke up, "Don't bother with a full explanation. She's high as fuck."
"Ma-att!" Jess reached over and weakly slapped his arm. "You're not supposed to tell anybody."
"Well she was gonna find out anyway."
Jess sighed. "Yeah, I guess so." She shifted her slightly unfocused gaze back to Emily. "So what have you been up to? It's been a long time and, uh, I guess you know what I've been up to."
"Oh, I…" Emily searched for a simplistic answer. "I work a lot. I live alone. That's it, really."
"Where do you live?"
"Coldwater Canyon."
"Oh, that's a rich neighborhood, isn't it?" Jessica laughed. "You still have a whole lot of money?"
Emily cleared her throat. "Um, yeah."
Jessica swung one leg over Emily's and pulled herself up onto Em's lap. Emily weakly attempted to push her off, but she was distracted by how astoundingly light Jess was. It felt like there was nearly nothing to her at all.
"So did you come here to save me from myself? To sweep me off my feet and dress me up like a pretty little whore?" She swung her hips against Emily's lap. Emily pushed her away. "I wouldn't mind."
"Jess, chill," Matt said.
Emily's first instinct was to push Jess off, but truthfully she was terrified to touch her. She seemed so fragile. So breakable.
"Have you ever seen the movie Pretty Woman?" Jessica grinned. "It's old, but I've been watching a lot of movies these days. Anyway, have you seen it?"
"No." Emily shifted, hoping to give Jess the hint to get off her. Jess didn't take it.
"Oh, well it's about this rich guy who falls in love with a skanky poor girl. He pays for new clothes for her and gets to act fancy and rich like him. And, uh…I don't really remember the rest. I was kind of nodding through it."
"Jess, come on, get off her." Matt nodded to the spot on the couch where the girl they'd first encountered had been sitting.
"Fiiiine." She climbed off Emily's lap and settled onto the couch.
"So is this what you do all day?" Emily asked, trying not to let her disgust creep into her tone too strongly. "Just hang around watching old movies and – and shooting up?"
"I have a job." Her response that time was actually a bit snippy.
Emily tried not to balk. "Doing what?"
"I work online, from here."
"Doing…?"
Jessica shrugged. "Whatever people want me to do. That's what I was doing when you two showed up."
Emily quickly pieced together her dodgy responses. "Wait, are you talking about, like…camwhoring?"
"You'd be surprised how much guys will pay to be able to tell a random girl to take her clothes off. And some girls, too." She shrugged again. "It's a pretty good deal. I don't have to actually fuck any of them, and I can choose my clients. And I don't have to go outside."
Surprising herself, Emily was a little bit impressed by that. Jess was a junkie and a shut-in, yet she managed to hold a "job" and support herself. That took at least some resolution.
"I guess I can respect that." Emily crossed her arms. "But I gotta ask – just, why the drugs? Why that drug? You could do so much better if you weren't addicted to..."
"It keeps the monsters away." Jessica flicked her pinprick pupils over to the nearby window.
"What monsters?"
"They show up when I'm sober. They watch me from the windows."
Matt stayed quiet, even when Emily looked to him for an explanation.
"What…kind of monsters?"
Jessica didn't answer.
"You're not talking about…from the mountain…?" Emily had repressed the majority of her memories about that night, but occasionally she had dreams of a horrible, snarling creature with knife-like claws and teeth stalking her. Letting out an ungodly scream as it pounced at her.
Jessica nodded.
"Jess, there aren't any of those things here in inner-city L.A. Even they know better than to hang around places like this."
"No, they – they watch me." She scratched absently at her forearm. Emily noticed the skin in the area was broken, as if it were frequently picked at. "But they don't come in. So I'm safe in here."
"Jess, have you been keeping up with your visits with the…you know?" Matt spoke in a quiet tone. "That counselor who was coming by to help you?"
"No. She called me psychotic!" Jessica folded her arms. "Fuck her."
"She didn't mean it like that. I think she meant you literally have some kinda psychosis. That's why you hallucinate."
"I don't hallucinate. They're real. You saw them."
"Yeah, on the mountain. Not here."
Jessica turned away. "I know what I've seen."
They fell into an uncertain silence.
"Maybe we should get going," Matt eventually said. "Today doesn't seem like a real good–"
"No! You're leaving already?" Jessica grabbed Emily by the sleeve. "Please…please stay…"
Em could feel that same gnawing guilt she'd felt ten years ago – and that same selfish desire to get away from it. It would be so easy. Jessica couldn't follow her. The second she set foot outside the apartment there would be nothing Jess could do about it.
No. I'm not running away again.
Emily reached out and took Jessica's cold, clammy hands in hers. "…I'll stay. I'm sorry, Jess."
Jess had a look to her. "Sorry for what?"
Emily knew that look. She wanted Emily to elaborate. She wanted to get the full experience of the rare Emily Apology. "For abandoning you? For letting you fall into this?" Em gestured at the piles of garbage heaped all over the dirty furniture.
"…Thank you," Jess eventually replied. "But you didn't let me do anything, Em. I did this to myself. And I did…so much worse to other people. Being miserable makes me feel less guilty about that."
"Jess, we all did terrible things. You can't punish yourself forever."
Jessica scratched at her arm some more. "Whatever. I don't want to talk about that…too complicated." She laughed a little, though it sounded hollow. Then she latched on to Emily's arm once more. "Talk about something else."
"So, uh, have you seen any other good movies lately?" Matt asked her.
Jess tapped her chin lazily. "Hmmmmmmm. Oh, I watched one about a dog. It was funny. I don't remember the name of it, though. And I fell asleep halfway through it."
"You know, maybe I could help you clean this place up." Emily hopped up off the couch. Matt might have been content to act like nothing was wrong, but she wasn't. Jessica didn't deserve to live in squalor.
"Who cares?" Jessica flopped over onto Emily's now-vacant couch seat. "Every time you clean it up it just gets messy again."
"Where do you keep your trash bags?"
"Ughhh." Jessica lifted a bony arm and pointed to a small closet by the door. "Such a freaking go-getter. You haven't changed at all, Em."
"Matt, will you help me?" Emily pinned him with a stare that she hoped was undeniable.
"Yeah, sure." He got up and joined her by the closet door.
"Meh. You two are both a couple of big bores." Jessica yawned and stretched as she watched them tear through the messy closet.
It was amazing how much better the tiny apartment looked after a little cleaning. Just a single trash bag full of garbage made the place look – and smell – about a hundred times better.
Jessica had fallen asleep on the couch, leaving Matt and Emily to do all the work. Emily didn't mind too much. Matt's company didn't bother her as much as she'd thought it might. They worked in a quiet, comfortable silence, occasionally asking one another to hold open the bag or making grossed-out noises when they picked up something especially disgusting.
After a while, however, Matt asked her, "So how come you haven't dated anyone in ten years?"
Emily stopped what she was doing for a moment. "…I don't know. Haven't met any guys worth dating, I guess."
"That's probably for the best. You don't wanna end up stuck with the wrong person."
Emily carefully picked up a needle and dropped it into a styrofoam takeout box before throwing the closed container away. She wasn't sure you were supposed to throw hypodermic needles in the trash, but shit, what else was she going to do with the dozens of them she was finding? "So how long have you been married?" she decided to ask him, in return for his personal question.
"'Bout a year."
"Only a year?" For some reason that answer bothered her. It was so recent. If they'd met up again just a year earlier, maybe…
But we didn't. So that's the end of that.
"Yeah. She pushed me for a long time, though. She'd been wanting to settle down for years."
Emily decided to dig a little deeper. "Who is 'she', anyway?"
"Her name's Jenn. I met her in college."
"What's she like?"
Matt scooped up an armful of dirty clothes, and stuffed them in a laundry basket they'd found. "Well, she's, uh…loud. Kinda stubborn. Actually really stubborn. If she doesn't want to do something we don't do it. Even if it's something I want to do." The last sentence was quieter than the others, almost more of a mutter.
Emily frowned. "Sounds like kind of a–"
"Don't say it." Matt angled himself away from her. He busied himself with picking up some trash from the floor. "Please."
"Okay. I won't say it."
They cleaned for about half an hour total, stopping once Jessica woke up again. Emily noticed her pupils were slightly larger when she awoke, and her eyes in general appeared a little more clear and focused.
"Ugh." Jess leaned one arm on the couch's armrest, the other holding her head.
"We cleaned up a little." Emily held up the stuffed trash bag. "Doesn't the place look better now?"
Jessica turned toward her. As soon as she saw Emily she gasped. "Emily? What the hell are you doing here?"
"Um, I've been–"
"I brought her along to visit you," Matt stepped in. "Turns out she's been looking for you for a while. We got back in touch just yesterday, and I told her she could come with me to see you."
Jessica shook her head back and forth. "No, no, no. I didn't want anyone else to see me. I mean, look at me. I'm…"
She gestured to her body. Emily wasn't sure if she was referring to her sickly scrawniness, the blotches all over her arms, or the fact that she was in nothing but an open pink bathrobe and undergarments.
"Jess, I don't care about that. Seriously." Emily took a cautious step toward her. "I want to help you. I know I left you for a long time but…I want my best friend back."
She wasn't usually so forthright with her more vulnerable emotions. But upon seeing Jessica again, personal pride no longer felt so all-important.
Jessica took a look around. "You guys did make this place look a lot better." She sat up, seemingly with great reluctance, and lumbered over to them. "I thought you hated me, Emily."
"No. Don't you remember? We made up. We were gonna be friends again."
"But then you stopped talking to me."
Emily's shoulders drooped. "I know. I was immature. Instead of helping you, I pulled away because I couldn't handle it. But now I'm older. I didn't realize until Matt told me he knew where you were just how much I missed you. And, God, I fucking missed you."
Jessica stared at her in silence for a long time. Emily stared back, attempting to hide the slight quivering to her lower lip. Then, beating Emily to it, Jessica's eyes filled with the start of two large tears.
"I hate my life, Em." Her voice cracked as the tears began to spill over. "Everyone else abandoned me. Mike…almost all our old friends…I'm all alone and I can't leave the house because if I leave the monsters will get me and I…I…"
She broke down into bone-wracking sobs. Emily uncertainly reached for her. Jess practically collapsed into her arms, the entirety of her dainty weight leaning on Em for support as she wept.
"Jessica," Emily murmured, "I want to help you. Our old group got together for a reunion yesterday, and Sam wanted to invite you. She just couldn't find you. She wanted you to be there, though. She didn't give up on you."
"She would if she saw me now."
"No she wouldn't. You know Sam. She's a mom friend. She'd want to help you, too."
"…Is she still like that?" Jess quietly asked.
"Oh yeah. Which is funny, because I guess she has no plans of having kids. Unlike Chris and Ashley, who keep pumping out babies…"
"Chris and Ashley have kids?" Jessica lifted her head from Emily's chest. Her eyes held just a twinkle of curiosity in them. True to her nature, she was apparently still a gossip hound at heart.
"Yeah." Emily's voice took on a note of its old devilishness. "And Ashley got faaat."
Matt cast her a disapproving look. Jess, however, was eating it up. "Oh my God, really?"
"Yup. Also, Sam's apparently a lesbian and she's got a super lesbian haircut. I mean, it suits her, but–"
"I knew Sam was a lesbian already."
"You did?"
A ghost of a smile appeared briefly on Jess' lips. "Oh yes. I knew that…very well."
Now that she thought back to it, Em could remember Sam and Jess making out at a few parties. She'd always assumed they were just drunk.
"Was Mike there?" Jess asked.
Emily took a moment to respond. "Yeah."
Jessica's smile faded. "Way back then, he saved me…but then afterwards he abandoned me."
"He's a jerk, Jess. He doesn't deserve you." She felt as if they were back in their school days, talking heartbreaks and boosting each other up in the wake of each one.
"That's not true. I don't deserve him. He probably would have stayed if I had gotten my shit together. But I didn't, and so he moved on to bigger and better things." Jess glanced over at a beat-up television set in the far corner of the room. "I see his commercials on TV every time there's an election. He looks so good. Not like me."
"Man, he looks like every other white dude politician out there," Matt said. "With that big fake kiss-ass smile."
Emily couldn't help letting a giggle escape her at Matt's random outburst. "You still hate him, huh?"
Matt averted his eyes. "He hurt two people I care about a lot. Pretty hard not to."
Jessica detached herself from Emily. "Mike couldn't help me. I don't think you can, Emily. I'm sorry."
"Oh I'm gonna help you. You're gonna make progress with me around and I'm going to make sure of that."
Jessica stared blankly at her. Finally she said, "You really haven't changed at all, Em."
"So you know what you're in for."
"Okay. Try to save me then, if you really think you can."
At that moment Matt's phone started buzzing. He pulled it out and checked it. "Shit. Hold on." He stepped out of the apartment and closed the door partway.
As soon as he answered the call Emily immediately heard a tinny woman's voice yelling through the speaker. Yeah, I'm leaving soon, Matt said in response to it. No, I was just – no. I'm – I'm at the hotel. …What? I…that thing must be wrong. Must be glitched or – no, no, I'm not. I swear.
Jess and Emily exchanged a look. "His wife doesn't like it when he's here," Jess whispered.
A moment later he stepped back inside. "Em, I gotta get going. You can stay, but if you don't want to bus outta here alone…"
"Why does your wife not like you being here?" Em asked.
Matt exhaled. "Oh, I have no clue why she doesn't like the idea of me driving five and a half hours to visit a female friend of mine that she's never met. Alone."
"Well okay, when you put it like that…"
Jessica sighed. "So you're both leaving right now?"
No way was Emily going to traverse this neighborhood alone. "Sorry, Jess. I don't know my way around this place at all."
Matt waited by the door, his eyes downcast. Neither he nor Emily wanted to leave. That much was obvious.
Jessica followed Emily to the door. "I wish I could go with you," she said in a small voice.
"You could." Emily shrugged, fixing her with a challenging stare.
Jessica hesitated, almost as if she were thinking about it.
"There aren't any monsters out there," Emily continued. "If there were they would've gotten me and Matt. Especially Matt, since he's been here so many times."
"…Maybe…"
Emily took Jessica by one scrawny wrist. "Why don't you just try taking a step outside? We'll be right here with you."
"Em, don't push her," Matt said.
Jessica looked down at Emily's hand, prompting Emily to do the same. The difference in their skin tones had never been extremely noticeable, but these days Jessica was so pale her fleshed seemed almost transparent in places. Emily's skin, by contrast, was warm with careful exposure to the sunlight Jess avoided like death.
"Okay," Jess said. "I'll try it."
"Jess, are you sure?" Matt said.
Jess was looking only at Emily. "I'm going to try."
With obvious reluctance, Matt opened the apartment door for them. Emily felt a weak pressure in her palm as Jessica squeezed it.
"Do you usually go into the rest of the building?" Emily asked her as they took a joined step toward the door.
"Sometimes."
"Okay. So that's not a problem, then."
Jessica swallowed. "Yeah, no…it's…fine."
Matt led the way to the outside corridor. Jess clung to Emily as she strolled slowly down the hall.
"You doing okay so far?" Matt hung back to ask her.
"You don't need to baby her."
"I'm okay," Jess said. "Thank you."
Emily increased the pace a bit, now practically dragging Jessica along. She didn't want to give her any extra time to potentially be psyched out, especially with Matt constantly prodding her for her mental status. I'm going to help her. She needs me.
They took the stairs a little slower. Matt reached the bottom first, and held the rusting stairwell door open for the two girls.
As they neared the apartment building's main entrance, Jessica dragged her heels a little. Matt apparently noticed her slight change in enthusiasm. "You don't have to do this," he whispered to her. "Nobody's gonna judge you if you can't."
By that point Jess was gripping Em's hand so tightly Emily could feel her fingers starting to tingle with numbness. "No, I'm – I'm okay. It's like Emily said. The monsters haven't hurt you guys, so m-maybe they won't hurt me either."
"That's not what I said. I said there were no monsters at all."
Matt opened the front door just the tiniest bit. Jessica winced as a thin ray of muted sunlight settled over her. She froze about six feet from the doorway.
"Just one step." Emily gave her arm a light tug. She didn't budge. "You don't even have to go out onto the street. Just the front stoop."
Jessica's hands began to shake, and Emily felt her palm moisten with sweat that was not her own. Jess' breaths came in short, fitful bursts as she attempted to take a step forward.
"That's it, come on," Emily prompted. "The Jessica I know would never want to be cut off from the rest of the world like this. She lives for being social, for having fun nights out and stuff."
Matt opened the door just a little wider. Jessica's right foot landed one tiny step closer to it – and then something changed. Her eyes widened as she fixated on seemingly nothing outside. She stumbled backward, nearly falling in her haste to scramble away from the doorway. "NO! NO!" she started screaming. "It's out there! If I get too close to the door it's gonna, it's gonna grab me and pull me out!" Fully shrieking now, she pinned herself against the far wall by the stairwell. "Please close the door oh God please, please!"
Matt slammed the door as quick as he could. Once it was shut Jess sank to her knees. Tears leaked down both her cheeks, splashing onto the dirty rug beneath her.
Matt was immediately at her side. "It's okay, Jess. You're safe. You're safe. God, I knew we shouldn't have tried that."
Emily bristled. "Well how was I supposed to know she'd react like–"
Jess hugged herself tightly. "It was there," she managed to say through fits of sobs. "It was there. It was there."
Matt reached out and gingerly touched her right shoulder. Jessica tensed. "It's okay. It's not gonna get you in here, remember? You're safe."
Jessica lifted her reddened eyes to Emily. "I'm s-sorry Em…I can't do it…I just…can't…"
Emily's immediate, gut emotional reaction was anger – not at Jessica, but at herself. Great job, Em. Once again your presence in someone's life just makes everything worse. Attempting to bury that anger, Emily crouched beside Jess and patted her arm. "Don't be sorry. I'll – I'll figure something out. This was just day one."
Jess swallowed audibly. "You really still think you can help me?"
Truthfully Em had very little confidence that she could help anyone. But Jessica needed her. If she could help Jess, then she would prove to herself that she wasn't a total waste of skin. Or at least maybe she'd start to believe that.
"Yes," she replied, "I do. Maybe not today, but…" Emily offered Jess her hand. After a long deliberation, Jessica accepted it. Emily stood up, and pulled Jess to her feet in the process. "I'm gonna make a list or something. A goal list. And the next time I visit you we're going to work to start checking things off."
"O-okay." Jessica sniffed. "Be careful out there, Emily…Matt…please…"
"We will." Matt hugged Jessica's frail form gently to his massive frame. Jess wrapped her arms around his neck and closed her eyes for a brief moment. As soon as Matt released her she went straight for Emily, doing the same thing. Emily felt a small lump begin to form in her throat as Jess wrapped her scarred, emaciated arms around her neck. Her cheek brushed Emily's for just a moment – long enough to spark some old memories Em was convinced she'd buried. Their special monthly sleepovers as kids, where the guest would pretend they were going to sleep on the other person's couch or in a sleeping bag, then once it was time for bed they would crawl under the covers together and whisper, giggle, and cuddle until they fell asleep. She remembered Jessica's silky skin brushing up against hers, just like now. Back then she had reveled in touching her beautiful, soft best friend. Now Jessica's skin was rougher, more hardened. Maybe Em's own skin now felt like that, too.
"…Let's get going," Emily said to Matt as she detached herself from Jessica. "Don't want your wife getting any madder at you."
Matt was watching Jess with thinly-veiled concern in his eyes. She waved him off, rubbing the last of her tears from her eyes. "It's okay," she whispered. "You should go."
Jessica stayed far back when they opened the door, but she did not leave. In fact, her wide, hollow stare followed Emily seemingly the entire trip home.
