AN: I enjoyed writing this chapter and I took a different approach, so it's a bit long, but all in all, I hope you enjoy it!

Chapter 16 – Trident

Her head felt like it was in a vice grip, her hands were quivering, eyes burned with saline, her own ears were ringing from the sobs. She sat with her back against the kitchen wall staring into the nothingness of 4AM. She found the pack of cigarettes she stored in the event of an emergency or a highly stressful situation. This was for sure one of the later events.

It had been well over a month since the passing of Timothy Daniel Robbins Jr, but it felt like it just happened again. She trembled over the manila envelope, battling with herself to open it or not. She figured the abrupt move from her place with Joanne caused the delivery to become delayed within the post.

Inhaling a final drag, she tossed her cigarette out the fire escape window and decided to open the envelope. She took another gulp of the amber brown liquid to provide her with some much needed courage. She couldn't help but fight herself from picking up the envelope.

Arizona, this is a letter, why the hell is this so hard? He's been dead for over a month and isn't coming back, ever. Did you really think this wasn't going to happen? People die all the fucking time! A child died today at the hand of their mother. A child.

And your brother choose to go to a war when he very well had a chance at a nice and cushy military career. Instead, he wanted to fight. And now you're stuck fighting his fucking battle. He's gone. That's it. He's history, another headstone in a graveyard. A flag on mom and dad's mantel.

That's all we have left of you Tim.

But, typical Tim, always pranking me, tricking me, surprising me even though you know I loathe surprises. And here I am, a 30 year old woman crying like a child over an envelope that you purposely left for me.

She sat back at the kitchen table, and flipped the envelope over. It smelled like over there, still had residual sand particles stuck in the crevices. She gingerly tore the top open and removed the contents of the envelope. Her heart sank again when she realized it wasn't only a letter from her brother.

XXX

Callie was surprised at how well she slept in a stranger's bed, she couldn't recall the last time she felt completely rejuvenated the following day. G never did 'cuddles or snuggles' as she called it, and she couldn't help but wonder why the woman always slept on the floor, but she knew she good reason for it.

Walking from the master suite down to the kitchen she couldn't help but notice all of the photographs along the walls. One in particular of a handsome man with cheeky dimples eerily similar to that of Arizona. He was in a few more pictures along her way to the master bath, and again what seemed to be G's in home office.

She was startled when G caught her perusing in the office.

"Didn't mean to scare you, I heard you wondering around and hope you didn't get lost." G shrugged and handed Callie a coffee mug. "Anything catch your eye?" G noticed how intently Callie was analyzing one section of her office wall.

Pointing to one picture, "This man, he's been in a few pictures and I can't help but notice how much he looks like Arizona."

"That's because it's her twin brother genius." G Laughed, "That picture was actually taken the day after Tim got his trident. I actually flew myself from FMF training to be there when he got his trident. He was so happy that day. Always was proud."

"Was?"

"He recently passed away this August, on a mission in Iraq."

"He's the one you've reference often, right?"

"Yup, that was my best buddy right there, and always will be if you ask me. He was there through thick and thin. It was actually how I met Arizona. He insisted I meet his 'hot but in no way on my market' sister who 'needs a social life before she becomes a real life hobbit'."

Callie smiled lightly, it was ever so rare G opened up about her past. But amazingly enough, everyone around her seemed to melt like butter and pour their hearts out.

"I always wondered how you and Arizona became friends. I mean, the only similarity you two have is being lesbians."

"Wow, way to lay it on thick Cal." G chuckled and looked at Callie again. "It was her brother. He really cared about her and was always looking out for her. She didn't have it so easy coming out at first. Her family was there but growing up on military bases your whole life can be very frightening, especially if you're gay."

"So you kind of played big gay sister?"

"I guess you could say that. We act like siblings more than best friends if you ask me. I mean Tim and I would torture Teddy and Arizona. We had a four year prank war going between all of us. It became so heated that we had to hold a mediation session."

Callie laughed again, "I can see Arizona being the all innocent character but sneaky one too."

"Ha-ha yeah, I think that's when the name 'Phoenix' really came from. It was like her alter ego that only Tim brought out in her. He was Tin-man." Callie quirked her face at G, "They were weird siblings."

XXX

Sliding the contents of the package onto the table, the first that that came out was none other than Tim's first trident pin. Something he absolutely cherished and was so exceptionally proud of. It was still banged up from his pinning ceremony.

Apparently, during pinning ceremony, fellow SEALs would punch the trident 'in' while the new inductee stood at attention. The tradition was meant to ensure the pin would never fall out and forge their brotherhood. A photo fell out of Tim holding his crushed Trident, no shirt on and a painful looking black and blue in the shape of said trident. It was the same dimply smile Arizona missed dearly, the one nearly identical to hers.

She held the pin lightly in her palms, remembering how excited he was when he broke the news to her nearly 6 years prior. He must have called a dozen times while Arizona was sitting in a clinical rotation at MGH. Eventually, she called back to an over enthused Timothy who told her the news.

She can't remember any time before that where her brother sounded that excited. His energy could have been felt through the phone. Shaking her thoughts away she balled up the trident in her fist and gave it a kiss. Squeezing any tears from her eyes and breathing in slowly. The metal began to warm up against her clammy palms before she released it.

Inhaling on last time, she began to remove the final contents from the envelope…

XXX

Taking another sip from her coffee, Callie began to observe all of the photographs on the wall. "This, one, is from your graduation at BU?" G nodded, "What did Tim go to BU for?"

"He was studying international law, ultimately wanting to become a member of the Navy JAG, but then the war happened. And he went back to his boyhood dreams of becoming a Navy SEAL."

"Wow, that's really admirable."

"Yeah, I guess for some. For others, not so much. But it is what it is."

"His family wasn't supportive? I mean, he went to a war, to protect the country."

G cleared her throat and looked into Callie's eyes this time. Shifting the easy mood to something more somber. "His mother and Arizona were absolutely devastated. And you can imagine why. Arizona came around when she somehow justified it in her head that being a combat surgeon would be her only way to protect her brother."

"That's just.."

"Ridiculous? Yes, I agree, but I refuse to know my best friend's sister will be there in less than a year without knowing who is protecting her. She's even more stubborn than Timothy and I swear it's because of that freakishly large brain she has. Tim was so angry, but he never admitted it to Arizona because he knew how devastated she'd be. I can't see her go to a war Cal, especially when it's for this fantasy she has in her mind that she owes it to her brother. And now she's stuck going over there and I don't know if she's ready for it Callie." G's voice began to shake with sensation, she gulped again, "No one really is ready for war."

G suddenly became interested in hardwood floor below them, studying it intently. Callie inched over and placed her hand on the small of G's back. Her face was drawn with worry. She'd never been able to really get a read on G but in this moment she had and she sensed the underlying pain the woman bottled up.

"Hey, listen, what you do, is amazing. Honorable. Courageous, and a whole bunch of other awesome things. And I couldn't be more proud or happy that I've got someone like you in my life personally and again protecting me. You shouldn't worry about Arizona, she's a tough broad and she'll kick ass when it's needed. Give her more credit than you already are, you both are going to kick ass. And just throw Teddy in there and you three are going to keep all of us safe."

G looked up into the chocolate orbs and saw really what Callie was trying to say and she appreciated it. She reached in for a hug and was happy when she was met halfway.

Nuzzling into Callie's neck she whispered 'Thank you.' And broke their contact.

Looking at her empty coffee mug and listening to the grumbling coming from Callie's stomach, the pair left the office and headed to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast.

XXX

There it was, all clad in black, tarnished from the harsh climates, tethered around the edges from the near decade of abuse, but there it was.

Timothy's journal from the last years of his life.

Arizona recognized the Moleskine book she purchased for her brother when they graduated high school. Tim was always writing, doodling, collecting pictures, anything he found significant really. She figured this would be the perfect gift for her brother, considering she was always snooping in his journals throughout their childhood. It was always ironic to others, because out of the pair, Tim was always more artistic, crafty, even a bit feminine, but he'd never admit the last one.

Suddenly Arizona felt like an adolescent again; being thrown into a time when nothing mattered and all they had to worry about was making it up to Boston in one piece in Tim's death trap of a truck.

The last twelve years she had spent with her brother more than likely exist in that book. And Arizona felt immobilized to even open the book, like a scared child. She couldn't open it, only stare at it, as if its curse would descend upon her. As if, Timmy would come barging into room and scold Arizona for touching his personal things. She was stuck for a moment in time where nothing registered in her brain.

The pin.

The photo.

The book.

All scattered on a kitchen table accompanied by a pack of Marlboro Red's and a nearly empty bottle of bourbon.

How did all of this happen? Tim should not have, and would never have of given me these things if the circumstances were different. If Tim was alive, he never would have shared this book, he would still scold me for even asking about it, but why is this here, now?

She couldn't tell if it was her bourbon soaked brain or maybe the lack of healthy air, it could have been the nicotine pumping through her veins, but Arizona had no idea what to do with what was staring at her in the face. She felt like a lost child and Tim was the only one who could find her.

Rage engulfed her down to the bone like a cold chill. She slammed her fists on the kitchen table nearly knocking the bottle to the floor. Her hand stung from the sudden contact and shot up to her head. Gripping viciously against her skull let out screaming sobs.

Why do you still fucking do this to me Tim?! Do you know how unfair this is? You up and leave me, and I have to pick this mess up AGAIN. You can't do this to me again Tim, why do you always get the last word? Why do you always know what to say? Where does this rank in your sick book of pranks Timothy? Did you fucking plan on dying? Did you know something I didn't? Because you always seem to think you had to protect me and that I couldn't handle becoming a Naval surgeon, but I am. Because of YOU.

The tension eased off of her back at the realization of what she concluded too.

We've done everything for each other, to protect us, support us, everything Tim. I don't have anything left to protect Tim. All I have is a book. Your picture and a pin. And mom and dad have a flag. That's all we get. But we did this together, right Tim? We protect each other and you've done more than protect me. What can I do now? Who can I protect now Tim?

Arizona lifted her head up from her palms and grabbed the bourbon bottle. Downing the remainder of its contents she thought again. Never in a moment had Arizona felt more out of control of everything. Never. Her emotions smothered her mind, choked the last 90 minutes of air from her. All because of a book she never thought she'd ever see again. A book she knew Timothy poured his everything into. Everything good and bad, was in this book. Potentially every detail of the war and the last thoughts on his mind prior to his demise.

Despite knowing that this book will very well rip every ounce of happiness from her she knew it held everything required to have a closure with her past and her brother.

XXX

"You have a gorgeous house G." Callie spun around the kitchen again before plopping down on a bar stool.

"My dad deserves the credit. He really was the one who designed the entire house and re-modeled it. He was quite the designer and handy man." G turned on a burner and began cooking scrambled eggs with bacon.

Callie couldn't help but notice a stack of journals on the opposite end of the counter, on was a drab green color, one was navy and the third was black. Her curiosity peaked and she grabbed the pile but before she could even open on G grabbed them from her hands.

"Um, excuse me? That was a bit rude Gaetana. A simple, 'don't read my diaries' would have sufficed." Callie flirted back at G.

"I wish they were fun diaries, but their actually from my tours in Iraq and Afghanistan."

"Did you write often while you were there?"

G began to serve her guest and sat next to her at the breakfast bar, "I never did until Tim talked me into it. I hate writing, but it's very therapeutic in a way. I don't think you'd want to read those journals though."

"How do you know G?"

"Because, why would you want to know about everything awful that occurs in war Callie? There is nothing nice in those journals that you would find inspiring. Nothing. The awful things that happen would make you vomit. In fact, I keep them so I can remember why we shouldn't go to war. Maybe one day I'll write a book and you can read them there." G teased Callie back.

"Only if you sign the book for me" Callie chuckled back

XXX

Taking a drag out of her sixth cigarette of the early morning Arizona was ready to open the journal. Inside there was a folded piece of paper addressed to her.

'Dear Phoenix,

I know you're upset, and I know you're probably more mad than upset with me. I didn't want this to happen. But this is what soldiers do. This is what my brother SEALs do. Do not be proud of me or for me, be proud of yourself, you gave me to the country we've come to love and care about so much. Be proud you are going to someday do the same, and save and protect lives. This is what you are going to do. You are going to save my brothers so they will go home to their families. So their families can hold onto them again. So their families can experience their lives even longer Arizona. You are going to be the Phoenix, and you will rise from these ashes.

I know this isn't fair. But this is war. This is what happens. War is the epicenter of all that is evil but evil is everywhere. Remember when we were kids and we would play super heroes? And we would try to stop everything that was evil, from people littering on the base, swearing or being bullies? Be that superhero Arizona. Be brave. Because I know you can be. Never give up, ever.

Please don't be mad at me Arizona. You will always be my bigger littler sister. Always. I will always be your little bigger brother. I will only stop loving when you stop loving me. I will only stop living when you stop thinking of me. You are going to be an amazing surgeon, have lots of kids named after states (okay maybe not), have a gorgeous wife, and my nieces and nephews will know their uncle Tim just as you always described me – 'an insufferable pain in the ass, a prankster, with a heart of gold and dimples of steel'.

If you're wondering why I gave you these things in the package, well, they all have a special reason. That trident was my first trident, and I want you to have it. I wanted to give it to my first son, but I no longer can. Please hold onto this, and give this to your first son – or daughter. Let them know, that no matter the obstacles in life, you will always succeed if you give everything. To stay humble in the light and diligent in the dark. This journal, is for you Arizona. I'm sure you recognized it the moment you saw it. Yes, this is the one you got me for high school graduation. The journal is full of memories from the last ten or so years. And I hope you'll use this as a memento; as a reminder of me, a smile when you need one or humility when you need that. Inspiration. Cowardice, and everything in between.

Finally, the picture is actually for G. She always said I looked hot in black & blue and we all know she secretly had a crush on me. So, if you could, give this picture to her, I'm sure that'll make her laugh out loud.

I know this isn't how we pictured our life Arizona. But nothing ever works out the way we want it too. Just know I will always be looking over you and your family. I will always love you sis'.

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face;

The rains fall soft upon your fields

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Love,

Tin Man'

She couldn't help but a sign of relief flush her body all to be followed with extreme grief. The reminiscing blessing her grandma would always say to Tim and her as kids. He was okay, and she would be okay, one day. She would be okay.

XXX

"You know Callie, I would never ever agree to building all of this crap if it wasn't for the free food or booze. Generally I get sex out of these deals too – OUCH!"

"Well, we had sex. Lots and lots of great sex. But now, you're on my terms. If I go home one more time and I see that pile of wood or worse, a bigger pile of wood, there will be consequences."

"It needed to be done now? I mean I'm in a suit still."

"It'll give Addy and Meredith something to look at. Now shut up and get out of the car and let's go inside."

Entering the home, Addy & Meredith sat in front of the pile of wood that was supposed to resemble a bookshelf or a desk or something. The pair of eyes examining G up and down then panned to Callie.

Callie smiled proudly towards her roommates, "Yes, this is your stud muffin carpenter. Be nice, make her dinner and give her beer. Or else."

Meredith rolled her eyes, "Um, that's nice you leave your friend here Callie, but really? We have to make her food. Why? I thought you said you had the ultimate handy man?"

G was slightly insulted. "Excuse me Dr. Grey 'I'm a world class surgeon watch me with a scalpel rock star'. You clearly have more issues than watching my dyke ass build you a shelf. But I'd be more than honored to help you two buffoons out…"

Callie but in before G could drop another insult "Excellent, I am going to go upstairs and change for my date and then we'll be back tonight. I expect this shelf to be built by then."

G removed her suit jacket, vest, and shirt and was left in nothing but a white tank top and suspenders.

"Are you like my grandfather or something? Why are you wearing suspenders G?" Mer laughed out loud.

"Shush, my dog ate my last good belt so all I had left was suspenders. I think they're sexy okay?"

"I mean are you going to strip after this? That'll be more suiting for you and your 'sexy' suspenders."

G and Meredith snapped their heads back at the aggressive comment from Addison.

*DING-DING*

"You two stay here, I'll grab the door. I hope you ordered pizza from DiPetrio's and not Nick's." G ran over to the door hoping it was her dinner but instead it was someone else.

Someone who wasn't the delivery boy.

Instead a simultaneous "What the fuck." Was exchanged by the pair…