I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown
Heavy In Your Arms – Florence + The Machine


Damon's woke to worried green eyes hovering above him. With instant focus he tried to back away but seemed to be locked in place.

He groaned and attempted to push Stefan off his body. His head was foggy with stilted sleep but he was surprised that Stefan was covering him from shoulder to foot. "Get offa me."

Carefully Stefan leaned over to fall to Damon's side.

"I'm really awake this time, right?" Damon rubbed his eyes as he sat up. He flexed his finger, feeling the bulk of his ring. Deeper breaths were easier now that his brother's weight wasn't pinning down his chest. He kind of wanted it back. His brother was silently staring up at him as if he were expecting something terrible. Damon had no idea what that could be. "What?"

"I'm not apologizing." Stefan sucked in his bottom lip but didn't look away.

It took a few moments for Damon to catch up. The lines they drew used to be so solid. He wasn't used to Stefan getting in his head like that. If Stefan knew what he was doing, it could have been a lot more revealing. But then being awake was hard enough. Stefan's sleep-mussed determination looking sort of completely adorable. No wonder the dreams and real world were bleeding into each other. The impenetrable walls were all but powder by now.

"You don't have to apologize for anything." He stared at his hand, turning his ring around with his thumb. He considered getting out of bed. It was hard to tell what day it was anymore. Did Stefan go to class the past week? Damon couldn't remember anything other than sleeping by his side, spending so much time hiding from the sunlight, talking beneath the covers. Then there was the-

Holy shit.

"Last night did I, um..." His fingers brushed over his lips like he could still feel the press of Stefan's against them.

"Wake up and attack my mouth?" Stefan offered sounding much more amused than Damon would have given him credit. Definitely not angry. "Why yes, yes you did."

Damon only stared at him. Waiting for him to lash out. There were reasons for lashing out. Brothers-not interested-not available-some other bullshit excuse Damon tried to remember. "I think it's my turn to say sorry then. I must've thought I was still dreaming."

Stefan nodded slowly, giving Damon a chance to make light of it as well. "Hell of a dream."

"Hah, you have no idea." Damon laughed. He immediately sat up straighter, aborting the movement to slap his hand over his mouth. Fuck, that is not what he should have said.

"I'm listening." Stefan tried, but they both knew the attempt at casual was a feeble effort. Stefan couldn't be more interested in what was going on in Damon's head, and quite frankly, Damon couldn't blame him. It had to be obvious. If the situation were reversed, Damon would have had answers weeks ago. Maybe it was time to offer the same courtesy.

"You might not like it." Damon tried to warn him.

"Just tell me." Stefan shot back.

Damon sighed, combing his fingers through his hair. "Ask me."

"Who are your dreams about?" rushed out without hesitation.

'Who' was a much better angle. Damon knew the right question would be waiting on the tip of his brother's tongue. He looked at Stefan carefully, finding the resolve to really let it out. He adjusted how he was sitting on the bed so they were facing each other. Picking up on the seriousness, Stefan sat straighter, staying quiet to let Damon find the words.

"There were a lot of things at first. It took a while to figure it out. But always you." Damon watched carefully, reading every emotion as Stefan absorbed the information. "On good nights, when I can feel you, I dream about being warm, and kind of, safe, I guess. The rest of the time, the nightmares. Well, it's what's going to happen. I'm going to lose you. To her." He mumbled the rest of it quickly. "And I didn't even get to have you first."

"Have me?" Stefan didn't raise his voice. It was just clarification.

"You know what I mean." Damon let his fingertips brush along his brother's arm. Stefan couldn't have been that clueless. His wandering hands, his lingering looks, Damon had practically made a parade of his obsession. The time had come for Stefan to start pushing Damon away for real before he went crazy.

"You never even..." Stefan's voice wavered. "Maybe you should."

"Don't." Damon shook his head, immediately dismissing him. Stefan clearly didn't know what he was saying. In all Damon's lifetimes of getting what he wanted, this wasn't something he could be wrong about. "Don't offer something you don't understand."

The words were out before Damon thought to say them. Stefan's shoulders dropped. He didn't know what that meant. Was Stefan relieved? Disappointed? This wasn't the direction Damon thought the conversation would go.

"I'm grateful you're here." Damon continued. "I know I don't ever say it. But thank you for sticking around. I needed my brother. I need you." He took his hand away as Stefan's serious expression came back.

"Is that why we've been spending so much time together? Damon, we used to be close. What makes you think I don't understand? I just, I want to be friends again. Nothing is going to change that."

"Don't say that if you're just trying to make me feel better."

"I haven't done anything that I haven't wanted to do. I wanted to help you, and I've barely done that."

Damon couldn't take much more of Stefan's ease. It was out there now. He wanted, wanted, wanted, and Stefan wasn't doing his job to refuse him. He looked down where their knees touched. His gaze traveled up Stefan's tapered waist and the tight lines of his firm chest. The tendons in his neck, and sculpted jaw. His mouth, the wetness on his lips. The light in his hunter green eyes, the small concerned crease between his eyebrows. The way Stefan's head tilted slightly, and his mouth parted. He still saw his little brother, but there was a lot more to him than that.

He lunged forward.

For a brief shining moment Stefan met his kiss. An arm wrapped around Damon's neck, pulling him closer. It was the kind of kiss Damon could fall into. The kind that could make him forget who he was and that he once wanted things to be different.

Then it was gone.

Stefan pulled away, sadness in his eyes. "This isn't some dream, Damon. It's not this easy."

"It could be." Damon pleaded, lips catching on Stefan's. The burning hurt didn't grow as quickly as he thought it would. "It could be anything we wanted."

"We don't come back from this." Stefan whispered, lips still finding his in between words while carefully separating. "I get it, okay, but you're right. I can't try this with you and try to live a normal life."

Eyes burning, Damon sat back. Stefan pushing him away had been exactly what he was after, but not like that. He felt the twitching of his brother's dick pressing against his thigh where Damon was leaning between his legs. He felt the ache of his own. Rejection shouldn't feel so much like want. Stefan didn't understand how much Damon wanted nothing else but him.

Damon barely understood it himself.

"Normal?" He choked back all his protests. Of all the ridiculous things… That would do it. He could tamp down the hurt then. Easy enough when replacing it with anger. Stefan's normal bullshit didn't matter. It was time to get the fuck out. He got off the bed, running through the room at vampire speed to gather enough clothes to be seen in public. He didn't look back at Stefan.

He needed a drink, and the local brew wouldn't do.