She took the stairs 2 at a time and stopped on the first floor landing, tilting her head and listening for the cries of the baby. They were coming from the top floor.She quickly climbed the second flight of stairs and walked towards the room where the door was slightly ajar.
There was a crib in the far right hand corner by the window and Kate made her way towards it all the while making little crooning sounds in an attempt to soothe the crying infant. She ran her hands along the changing table and picked up a small soft rabbit, smiled then put it down again.
Leaning into the crib, Kate lifted up the bundle of pale yellow blankets. Putting them over her shoulder, she gently started patting and pacing the room, slowly moving her upper body up and down.
Within seconds, the crying stopped and Kate let the blanket drop into the crook of her arm and looked down.
The blanket was empty. Kate scrunched it up in her hands and then spun round, her eyes frantically scanning the room.Her breathing became shallow and she started to panic. Running over to the crib, she lifted the cot sheet but it wasn't hiding anything.Where was it?Where was her baby?
Placing her hands on the side of her head, she stared wide eyed at the open door and opened her mouth to scream. But nothing came out.
"Why don't you go home love and get some rest? Your mum and I can stop for a while, can't we Celia?"
"What? Oh sorry Alan. I was miles away. No. No, I'll stay here. Well, I might wait until they have fetched the baby down and then go home for a few hours. Will you be OK here?"
"Of course we will won't we Celia? We will keep an eye on Kate and make sure she hasn't changed her mind and leaves the minute you are in the car."
Caroline smiled at him.
"Oh Alan, if only. I wouldn't care if she said she had changed her mind and she was leaving me. At least that way I could reason with her, tell her much I love her. Hear her voice."
Celia took hold of her daughters hands in her own.
"She will wake up you know. She is a strong woman. She just needs some rest, needs to get better. She will come back to you when she is good and ready."
They were interrupted by a knock on the door and the entrance of a nurse wheeling a baby incubator in front of her.
"Look who I brought to see her mummies."
Alan looked into the incubator at the baby who was wide awake and looking around her.
"She's lovely Caroline. She looks more like Kate every day."
"I know, she does doesn't she."
Caroline felt a twinge of sadness. The baby would never look like her and that hurt more than she could ever put into words.
"How is she doing nurse?"
"Very well. In fact, we are going to take her out of the incubator today and pop her in a cot to see how she gets on. We need to chat about the next steps and getting her home. Perhaps you can think about when you will be ready to do that. I know that you weren't ready for her arrival. It was a bit unexpected wasn't it. But I think that in the next couple of days, she will be strong enough to go home. She was only very slightly underweight when she arrived and her jaundice is all but gone."
Caroline looked from Celia to Alan and back to Celia again.
"I , I, I err well, I don't know. It's just that with Kate still here I don't think, I just don't know. I'm not sure."
Celia stepped forward.
"We'll have a talk about it won't we? You need to start to think about getting back to normal now."
"Normal? I don't know what normal is any more. What exactly is normal? Would you like to enlighten me mum?"
Caroline was getting worked up and she lifted her hands above her head and then brought them down, running them through her hair before locking her fingers behind the back of her head.
"Caroline, don't go upsetting yourself or the baby. Your life will get back to what it was before you know it. Well not quite because you have Flossie now. But you will be a family again soon."
Alan's tone was soft and calming and Caroline brought her hands down to her side.
"I know. I'm just so tired. I can't think straight."
"And that is why you need to go home and get some rest. Some proper rest. A good nights sleep in your own bed. Why don't you feed the baby and then get off home?"
Caroline walked up to the incubator and looked over at the nurse.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout. I am trying to keep all this together but it isn't easy."
She sat in the chair and unfastened the front of her blouse, exposing her chest. She had been practicing kangaroo care since the baby was born. The feeling of having her on her chest, like a baby kangaroo in its mother's pouch was reassuring. She knew that the baby could feel her heartbeat and was slowly getting used to her smell. She no longer felt uncomfortable or awkward. And she had taken to holding the baby on Kate's chest too so that she knew who her mummies were.
The nurse lay the baby on Caroline and she gently stroked her head with her finger.
"Hello little one."
"Do you have a name for the baby? We can't keep calling her "the baby" or Flossie."
Celia stood behind Caroline and placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Kate and I never talked about names. Well, we did but we never made a decision because we couldn't agree. Kate likes old fashioned names but I wanted to see what the baby looked like first. You can't call a baby Daisy when she looks like a Charlotte can you?"
The nurse handed Caroline a bottle and she gently rubbed the teat on the baby's lips, waiting for her to open her mouth. She looked like a small baby bird when she did finally realise that this was her lunch and she quickly latched onto the end and started sucking.
She gazed lovingly at the baby and snuggled her closer.
"Rosie? Grace? Eleanor? Oh, I'm no good at this. She looks like a baby. She looks like Kate. Perhaps we can call her Kate."
The nurse stood over Caroline and looked at the baby feeding.
"There really is no rush to name the baby you know. Some people don't know what they are going to call them and some people can't agree. We can just call her Baby McKenzie-Dawson for now."
"If it is OK, I'd like to wait to discuss this with Kate. After all when you name a baby the name is for life isn't it. They're stuck with it. It might as well be a name they can live with."
The house was quiet and Caroline's shoes echoed loudly on the tiled kitchen floor. She opened the cupboard, took out a bottle of wine and poured herself a large glass. Leaning on the kitchen counter, she stared out of the window and sighed.
Since Christmas last year, Caroline had really started to embrace the idea of being a mum again. OK, so it was Kate who had brought up the idea and although she wasn't too keen initially, it was something she was getting used to. She had even started to get excited about the baby and had helped Kate get ready for her arrival. They had gone shopping together for outfits, chosen the pram together, argued over the car seat. And painting the nursery was a joint effort. Well almost – Caroline had agreed the paint colour that Kate had chosen. So why was she apprehensive about bringing her home?
The sound of the door closing brought Caroline back into the room and moments later, Lawrence came bounding into the kitchen heading straight for the fridge.
"Mum!"
Caroline smiled and opened her arms to him but he just stopped dead in his tracks and stood looking at her as if she was a stranger. She was the last person he expected to see.
"Hello love. How are you?"
"Good, yeah, good. You?"
She nodded.
"Tired. But OK. Have you eaten?"
She started to walk towards Lawrence who advanced further towards the fridge.
"I'm having tea with Angus. I just came home for some things. School books, PE kit, that sort of thing."
"Oh. I see. Do you err shall I, well I can drop you back round at his house if you like in a bit."
Lawrence helped himself to a huge chunk of cheese and cut a corner off.
"No. Thanks. His mum is outside waiting. I said I would only be a minute so I'd best get my things. And I'm staying at his again tonight. So I'll get my things and I'll see you, well I'll see you."
Without waiting for Caroline to agree or respond, he went out of the room at the same speed at which he had entered.
"Oh, bye then."
Caroline topped up her glass of wine and wiped the counter top down where Lawrence had cut the cheese. She felt like she had gained a daughter but was slowly losing a son.
It was dark when Caroline opened her eyes and she turned over onto the other side of the bed,. She reached out her hand and felt nothing but empty space. She turned back and fumbled for the bedside light, squinting as she turned it on. For a moment she was confused and then she remembered. Kate wasn't there. She looked over at the clock. It was showing 0345am.
She fell back onto the pillows and rubbed her forehead. It was 730pm when she had gone to bed so she had had over 8 hours sleep. However she still felt tired, drained.
Caroline swung her legs around and sat on the edge of the bed. She rested her elbows on her knees and supported her head in her hands. She made the decision there and then to go back to the hospital. She didn't care what time it was, she just wanted to be with Kate.
The drive took her less than 20 minutes at that time of the day and she was at the nurses station just before 430am. The nurse looked surprised to see her.
"Well, you're an early bird. Is everything OK?"
Caroline leaned on the desk.
"Shouldn't I be asking that question?"
They exchanged a smile.
"Yes, everything is fine. I just went to bed too early last night and woke up too early this morning in an empty house and found myself at a loose end. I thought I might as well be awake and with my wife."
"Ahh, young loves dream eh?"
Caroline laughed.
"I wouldn't say we were young, either of us. But yes, we are very much in love. Can I go in to see her?"
"Of course you can. I'll bring you in a cup of coffee in a little while."
"Thank you."
Caroline opened the door and entered the room. She turned around and closed it behind her, placing the flat of her hand just underneath the door handle. Even though she knew she wouldn't disturb Kate, she was careful not to make a noise.
The room was bathed in the light coming from the machines. Once her eyes adjusted, Caroline was disappointed to see that Kate still had the breathing tube in her mouth. However, it didn't appear that the machine was breathing for her which gave her renewed hope.
She walked over to the side of the bed and stroked Kate's forehead. Bending forwards, she planted a kiss on the bridge of her nose.
"Hello my love. I couldn't keep away."
She picked up Kate's hand and brought it up to her cheek and gently rubbed it up and down. Bringing it down to her lips, she kissed the finger tips and sighed.
"Oh Kate. I miss you so much. The house is too quiet without you. I hate having to decide what to have for tea, what to watch on the television. I want you home. I don't think I can do this on my own. The baby needs you and I need you."
She pulled up a chair and sat down, still cradling Kate's hand in her own. She longed to lay with her, to hold her and fall asleep in her arms. Instead, she placed her head at the side of Kate's arm and stroked the back of her hand with her thumb. She had never felt so alone in her life.
The hand on her shoulder was gentle but it was enough to wake Caroline and she jolted upright.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you jump. How long have you been here?"
Dr Malik was standing over her.
"What time is it?"
She stretched, yawned and looked at her watch.
"Oh good Lord. I've been asleep for almost 3 hours. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a burden, to get in the way. I just couldn't sleep and I wanted to be here and "
"It's fine Caroline. Honestly. You're not in the way. In fact you being here is probably speeding up Kate's recovery. Research tells us that the brain of someone who is in a coma is still very much aware of what is going on around. I have good news. We are going to remove Kate's breathing tube this morning. Do you remember, we talked about it yesterday?"
"Yes, yes, I do, I remember. Do you think she is ready?"
"Well, she has spent long periods of time off the ventilator since yesterday so I am confident that she will be OK. And she will be more comfortable without the tube in her mouth. Why don't you get a cup of coffee while I call the team in here to help. We will come and find you when we are done."
The look on her face told the doctor that she wasn't ready to leave. She started towards the door and then stopped.
"Go on, she'll be fine. I'll take good care of her. I promise."
Caroline smiled at him.
"Thank you doctor. Make sure you do."
She sat in the hospital canteen staring into her coffee cup. She watched the foam whirling round and slowly disappear into nowhere.
It seemed synonymous with her own life which currently made no sense at all. Her ex-husband had recently lost a child and as a consequence his life was suddenly taking a very different path. Her wife had been in an induced coma since the day after their wedding. Their new born baby had not had the start in life that either of them had wanted and was also in hospital waiting for her mummy to get her life together so she could bring her home. Her youngest son hadn't spoken to her much since the wedding and hadn't acknowledged the fact that he had a baby sister. And she was due back at work in 4 days time and had absolutely no idea how she would cope. She felt like she was in a hole full of quick sand.
