For your own sake

Alexandra had been allowed to leave the infirmary after 3 days. She had proved to Dr Shannon that she would be alright on her own. Commander Taylor had agreed to let her live alone in one of the empty house they had left. Though, not far away from his own house so he could keep an eye on her. Alexandra was not foolish enough to think she was really free but she would have done anything to leave the infirmary.

"Are you ready?" Jim asked, carrying Alexandra's bag.

"More than ever," she smiled. She had no regrets leaving the infirmary, leaving this gown and all of the annoying things that came with being a patient. Jim led her to her new home and showed her everything she had to know about the house.

"It's perfect Jim. Thank you."

"And there is a present for you." He showed her something on the table. She approached to see what it was.

"A plex?" She asked, surprised.

"We bought it for you."

"We?"

"Commander Taylor and I."

"Oh," was all she managed to say. Lucas had offered her a plex for her birthday. And now here she was, getting a plex as a present. Again. That was strange. Jim noticed her confusion and continued their conversation as if nothing had happened.

"Elizabeth and I would like you to join us for dinner."

"I don't know Jim… It would be a little bit strange," she winced.

"Come on, you're not going to stay alone for your first night, are you?" The big smile Jim gave her stopped her from saying no.

"Ok, I'll come."

"Good! See you around 7!" Then Jim left her alone. Alexandra had just had enough time to put her bag on the bed when she heard knocking at the door.

"Hi Josh."

"Hi Alex. I was passing by when I saw you with my dad. So this is your new home, huh?" He asked, starting to look inside. "Do you want me to…" Alexandra didn't wait for him to finish his sentence.

"Josh, honestly! You have to stop doing that. If you don't, I'll have to call the sheriff and ask him to arrest you for harassment ok? I told you I forgive you, so move on! Give me some space would you?"

Josh had come to see Alexandra four times per day when she was at the infirmary. He was sure everything was his fault and he wanted to fix his mistake. At first, Alexandra thought it was kind of him. Then, she quickly had enough. He was everywhere, he wanted to help with everything. Alexandra had tried to avoid him but obviously he had heard she was gone from the infirmary. And now, here he was, knowing where she was living. 'Fantastic', she told herself.

"Sorry Alex, I just thought…"

"Stop thinking Josh, please," she begged him.

"Alright," he sighed sadly.

"Josh… Please don't do that. It's ok. We are ok. Can't you just be as normal as you were before?"

"I'll try."

"Good. Then I'll see you later. Your parents invited me for dinner."

"Great! I'll see you there then," he smiled happily before leaving her. It suddenly didn't seem that great for her. She went back to her bedroom and started to fill the cupboard with clothes. Once again, Maddy had been nice to her and given her many clothes. Maddy was the most generous person Alexandra knew. A knock at the door stopped her again.

"Josh I warned you… Oh, hello Skye. Sorry, I thought it was Josh… Again." She smiled, embarrassed.

"Well it's only me!" Skye smiled lightly. "I just wanted to say hi. I know we haven't talk a lot since you got back."

"You've been busy. I understand that. It's ok." Skye worked at the infirmary but they didn't have much time to talk when Alexandra was there. Most of the time, they were interrupted by doctors who wanted to check on Alexandra's wound.

"I just wanted you to know that I'm here if you need. You can talk to me."

"Did Taylor send you here to tell me that?" Alexandra suddenly asked, suspicious.

"No. Well, he said he was worried but he didn't send me. I wanted to come."

"Don't worry. I just need a bit of time but I'll be fine."

"You know, I'm really sorry for you. I know how much it can hurt to lose someone you love."

"I'll survive." It was cliché but she didn't know what else to say. She knew Skye had lost her father and that her mother was still ill from the syncillic fever. But she couldn't compare her loss with hers. That's was impossible.

"I wish you had never been banished and never met Lucas. That guy is so evil. He has hurt so many people. I'm glad he is gone. You'll see, you'll be happier here without him." Skye confessed, thinking it was what Alexandra needed to hear.

"Just don't. Don't talk about Lucas, ok? Ever. I mean it. Forget him. I don't want you, or any of you, to remind me of his existence, ok? You know nothing. Don't pretend to know what I'm going through because you don't. Don't pretend to know him or what we had together because you can't. You're too young to understand. You're just a kid."

Alexandra knew her tone was really cold and menacing but hearing Skye talking about Lucas was too much. Who the hell did she think she was? Why did people always try to decide what was good for her? Why did they know better than her what her choices should be? Skye's face reflected shock. Alexandra didn't want to apologize but she knew she had to say something.

"Skye, I didn't mean to be rude. But honestly, you can't expect me to agree with you, can you?" She sighed.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you or your feelings. It's my fault, I should have not said that," Skye answered, confused. "I should… Huh… leave you so you can… do whatever you have to do," she added before leaving.

"Not a good start," Alexandra murmured to herself. "God, this is not going to be easy."

Alexandra took a deep breath and knocked at the door of the Shannon's house. She was a little bit late but she had lost her time trying to get dressed. In the jungle, she didn't have this kind of problem. She only had one pair of trousers and one shirt. And when she was pregnant, she used to wear Lucas's shirts.

"Good evening Alex!" Dr Shannon beamed at her. "Come on in!"

Everybody was there, even Mark. Zoe ran to Alexandra and wrapped her tiny arms around her to say hello. Alexandra's heart tightened. It reminded her of her daughter. She tried not to show how painful it was for her. She spent most of the dinner observing them, smiling when it was necessary and talking when she had to answer a question. She was happy to see that Mark and Maddy were still together. They made a great couple. But having their perfect love just in front of her made her sick. She tried to sound joyful the whole dinner but it was far from how she really felt. To see this lovely family stabbed her in the heart. It was too much. It was too early for her to appreciate it. She wanted her life back. She wanted Lucas and her baby back.

"Don't you like it?" Dr Shannon asked, concerned. Alexandra hadn't noticed Elizabeth was staring at her, her plate still full of food.

"I do. It's really good. I'm not really hungry," she tried to reassure her.

"You look a little pale, are you sure you're feeling alright?" Everybody had stopped talking, staring at her now.

"I'm fine," she smiled. "I'm just not used to this anymore. I mean, having dinner with so many people at the same time. It's quite exhausting," She joked. Jim saved her, attempting to lighten the mood too.

"Yes, I understand you very much. Just know you are very lucky you don't have to live this everyday like I do," he laughed.

"Don't listen to him, my dad is always looking for someone to listen to his problems," Josh added.

"Be careful, I'm still your father. You have to show me respect!" Jim warned him, smiling. The dinner continued, everybody laughing and teasing each other members of the family.

Alexandra came back home around midnight. Her home. It didn't seem like her home. She went straight to bed, exhausted. Even though she was really tired, sleep didn't come. She had been staring at the ceiling for an hour now, thinking. She tried to analyze her situation. She was a pretty single woman, living on her own in a nice house. She had friends who had obviously forgiven her for her past decisions, the Shannon's were nice to her, again. So why was she so distressed? 'Maybe because your former boyfriend left you just after shouting at you and accidentally killed the child you were expecting. Yes, that could be an explanation for it,' She mocked herself. She couldn't feel anything else other than loneliness and abandonment. She didn't want to feel that way but if she was not sad, she was upset. Sometimes she was both and she'd rather be alone than yell at people, like she did with Skye earlier. She didn't want to hurt the Shannon's feelings because when she was rational, she knew they were doing their best to keep her happy. Like Commander Taylor was trying to do. Even if since their last argument, they had not talked a lot. Alexandra laid still on the bed, waiting for sleep to come.

Alexandra was in the jungle. It was really dark out there and she couldn't see clearly where she was going but she couldn't stop her(self) from walking. Somebody was calling her name. She wanted to find out who it was. Suddenly, she oversaw a silhouette near a waterfall. Alexandra walked to it and realized it was a little girl with dark blond hair. "Hey, what are you doing here on your own, it's dangerous out there," she warned her. But the girl didn't reply. She was staring away to the falls. Alexandra stepped closer to her and turned her to face her. She screamed when she saw that the girl was covered in blood, her blood.

Alexandra awoke sweaty, screaming. She gulped, having a sore throat from shouting in her sleep. 'It's just a nightmare, relax,' she told herself. But it seemed so real. And this little girl, she had beautiful intense green eyes, just like Lucas… She had the same nightmare the past few nights but she had not told Dr Shannon otherwise she'd have probably kept her longer in observation. As she could not go back to sleep, she got up and dressed to go outside. She remembered Dr Shannon said her daughter had a grave in the cemetery. She wasn't sure where it was, but she felt the urge to see where her baby was. She ran in the colony still asleep, avoiding the guards who were patrolling. And suddenly she saw it. At the edge of Terra Nova was a small cemetery. She slowed her pace progressively as she approached the entrance. She took a deep breath and pushed the little gate that served as entry. She cast a quick look at the names on the graves. Then she saw it. A small white tomb with no name on it. As he approached nearer, she noticed that there was a small inscription on it. "To Charlotte, our beloved daughter. We'll miss you forever. May God protect you. Rest in peace." Alexandra gasped. Only Lucas knew what she had wanted to call their daughter. Dr. Shannon had said he had left before the funeral. This could only mean one thing : he had come back to see her. Alexandra sat on the ground, her heart racing. Lucas had come back. She couldn't believe it. When? And why he didn't show up? She looked back to the grave. She caressed the top of it, feeling tears coming.

"Yes, we will miss you forever," she murmured. She quietly left the cemetery and ran to the orchard. There she lay near a tree, her legs resting on the trunk, feet in the air. She was daydreaming as she used to do before in the jungle, looking at the stars. She wondered where Lucas was. It seemed like déjà vu to her. Last time he had abandoned her, she had found it difficult to not think about him. Maybe she should try harder. Maybe he was not as good as she thought he was. After all, he had already left her twice and since she had met him she had always been in troubles. For the first time in her life, she was not sure what was best for her. When it came to feelings, her head was hopeless.

Lucas had never been that scared before. The fear of losing Alexandra and the baby had reached into a part of him that he didn't even know existed. When they had arrived at Terra Nova, Dr Shannon had taken her immediately to surgery. He had stayed with her the whole time. When he had seen his daughter dead, he had gone mad. Commander Taylor had asked guards to keep him away from the infirmary, from his baby, from Alexandra. After the surgery, Dr Shannon had told him Alexandra would be safe but that she would need time to heal. Lucas knew he couldn't stay in Terra Nova. His father had told him that he should go, that he had done enough bad things already. Lucas hated his father but couldn't agree more with him. He had shot Alexandra, nearly killed her, and had killed his own child, his daughter. He was sure Alexandra would never forgive him. He always knew he would destroy it but he had never thought it could be that bad. Once he was sure that she would be ok in Terra Nova, he had run away. His place was alone in the jungle, not in Terra Nova with her. He was a traitor, a pariah, a murderer, he had not been welcome there for a long time now. He had to leave her for her own good. For once, he had to not be selfish. However, he couldn't stop thinking about her. He wanted to know if she was fine. He wanted to see her. His life was too quiet, too empty without her in it. And he also wanted to know what had happened to his daughter. It hurt him to think he had a daughter and that he ruined it. One night the guilt was so unbearable that it had made him come back near Terra Nova. That was when he had seen his father in the cemetery. As he had realized what it meant, he had searched and found a way to get in Terra Nova. The image of the little white grave he saw that night would forever be in his head. With his knife, he had left a message for her, so his daughter would know she had been wanted and loved. Lucas was so close to Alexandra that he couldn't stop himself from sneaking into the infirmary. He had easily found her bedroom. There, peacefully asleep, he had seen Alexandra. He had come next to her and gently kissed her as a goodbye.

"I'm sorry," he had whispered before leaving, running away from her.