It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all
The opposite of love is indifference
So pay attention now, I'm standing on your porch screaming out
Stubborn Love – Lumineers


"Nonono ElenaNoStefans, minemineminemine."

Stefan lay in bed listening to his brother struggle. The day they'd spent apart twisted up this thing building between them and Stefan needed to know how Damon's subconscious was going to react. He couldn't get to sleep, couldn't turn his mind off long enough to do anything other than see what would happen after Damon fell asleep. He'd been waiting long enough, keeping a careful barrier of space between them.

"No Elena No. Stef."

It didn't take long. Damon's muttering came back and Stefan heard the words better from so close.

"MinemineismyStefan is mine. Mine."

Damon sat up, eyes mostly closed. Surprised, Stefan watched as Damon's foot hit the floor, like he was getting out of bed, and Stefan reached forward to grab Damon's arm. His brother twitched under the touch.

More forcefully, Damon growled,

"No Elena, Stefan is mine."

Stefan's hand was on his brother's bicep, a white knuckled grip before he realized it. Damon's claim over him gave him a cheap dirty thrill and he had to clear the tightness in his throat. He didn't know which version of Elena Damon was arguing against, but it should have been a futile fight. There had never been a doubt in Stefan's mind that he was entirely Damon's. He didn't know if it was because they were the only sons their father acknowledged or because of the history their lives spanned together.

Maybe it wasn't any of that. Damon was the only person who knew who Stefan really was before he ever thought about starting over. It wasn't always a good thing, neediness that tilted over the line to desperation. As if admitting that could begin to change the fact that Stefan belonged to Damon from day one.

But Damon had never been Stefan's, and knowing that, living with that, forced him to look elsewhere. The first time his heart broke was because Damon put someone in his bed other than Stefan. Stefan didn't understand then, didn't know why he wasn't enough. It took years to understand the difference of Damon's nighttime visitors and himself. He hated them all from the very start. The fact that Damon was getting territorial now, after all this fucking time, was unbearable. "Damon, please wake up."

Damon grunted and opened his eyes, letting them adjust to the darkness. His confusion obvious. "What's wrong?" His voice was rough and quiet.

"We need to talk."

Sleep-stunned, Damon looked around for a clock. Frowning at the darkness outside the window, the brightness of the moon telling how far away sunlight remained. "Right now?"

"You're still having those dreams?"

Damon sighed, "Apparently the answer is 'yes, right now.'" He looked down at himself, half out of bed and already sitting up. "And I assume that was a rhetorical question since you woke me."

A day's worth of anxiety came rushing out in raw honesty. "I don't know what to do. I don't understand where all these feelings are coming from, okay?" Stefan took a stuttering breath, letting go of his brother's arm. "That kiss, Damon. When you knew you were awake. What am I supposed to do with that?"

"Look, it was just left over confusion from my fucking nightmare." Damon wiped his hand over his face and scraped it through his hair. "It doesn't mean anything." He pulled his legs under the blankets and sank back against the headboard.

"It feels like it does." Stefan whispered. The words were a weight pounding in his chest. "It felt like it meant a lot of things."

Damon for once looked almost guilty. He tried to avoid Stefan's gaze. "It doesn't... have to."

"That's not the same thing." Stefan insisted. He put his hand on Damon's arm again, feeling the tension in the tight muscle.

"I'll get over it, okay?" Damon yanked his arm away.

It felt like a line. Like Damon had ever gotten over anyone's rejection. And for the first time, Stefan wondered how many excuses and brush-offs Damon rehearsed when Stefan wasn't there.

"How?" Stefan scoffed. "It's not like there's a switch you can flip for this thing. You can't ignore your feelings forever." His hands went cold as all the heat rushed to his face. Stefan took a breath, knowing what he wanted and had always wanted still burned inside him. He put his hand back on Damon's arm, barely whispering, "I never could."

With that laser focus, Damon looked over Stefan, landing sharply on his eyes. "When?"

Stefan slumped forward, moving his arm to wrap around Damon's waist instead. He tucked his face between them, pressed against Damon's side. The shame he felt for wanting something he was never supposed to want was worse than everything else he'd ever felt guilty about. 'When' was the perfect question. In the Before or in the After? If it was something else he could blame on Katherine, or turning. But no, this was his secret far before any of that. He kept his face buried in the darkness between them and mumbled, "Before."

Damon yanked his head back, making his eyes water as Damon glared down at him. The fire there didn't mask the desperate searching gaze. His body ached, his cock felt thick against his leg. Stefan shifted, easily disentangling Damon's hand from his hair and holding it between his. They were both shaking. "When we were kids. I looked up to you, followed you around every fucking day, and wanted to be like you. I wanted things to be different between us. I wanted… I don't know. You were the only person I wanted to be around, to have around. You were my fucking world. And later, when what I wanted started to become something bigger, and I couldn't let you know what was going on inside me, and you didn't care that I still couldn't sleep without you. And then she…" Stefan cleared his throat, eyes burning. Losing Damon in the After was the hardest thing he'd ever gone through. He splayed his hand out against Damon's palm, the strong tapered fingers lining up with the length of his. "Then we died. We didn't see each other for decades at a time, and it didn't matter. It didn't matter for a long time. But it didn't go away."

Damon blew out a breath, staring at their hands. "And now?"

"I kissed you back. Because I wanted to kiss you since I was thirteen. I'm in your bed, Damon. Maybe I was wrong." Stefan inhaled deeply and started sitting up. "I don't know what happens next. But things have already changed. And I want… I want to try."


It felt marginally gratifying to see Stefan as twisted up as Damon felt over everything between them. Maybe it was time to take that chance.

"Come here, please." Damon held his arms slightly opened, waiting to see if his little brother would still take his lead.

In a blur Stefan was on him, arms around Damon's neck, and the sudden weight against his lap slammed him back against the headboard for one panicked second. Any confusion as to what was happening was cleared up the moment he felt the firmness straddlinghis thigh as Stefan crushed their mouths together.

The kiss was strong and possessive. Stefan's tongue flicked at the roof of his mouth and glided against his tongue, stealing the air from his lungs and bruising his lips. What it lacked in finesse it made up for in wonton hunger. Stefan was kissing him. Stefan wanted to kiss him. The feel of his little brother's mouth against his was a memory he planned on keeping. Wouldn't be difficult. It was the best fucking kiss of his life.

His mind was still reeling as his body decided to continue without it and gathering his thoughts was suddenly a lost cause. His hands cupped the back of Stefan's head and he murmured around their tangled lips.

"Holy shit."

Stefan huffed a weak laugh, pushing air back into Damon's mouth. "No kidding."

He pulled back in a daze. "All for me, little brother?"

Stefan's mouth hung open chasing after Damon's tongue. Pulling Damon back to him with one hand, while the other roamed between their stomachs and slid down to Damon's just as obvious arousal. "Yeah." He repeated, smiling against Damon's cheek. "Whether you like it or not, after every fucking morning of waking up with your hand cradling my dick. Like you have room to say anything."

His brain shut down—shitshitshit—it wasn't supposed to go like this. Not the poor saint, not his little brother, and damn everything because that made his cock twitch in Stefan's hand and Damon's lip quirk up even more.

"Are you going to deny me this again?" His voice was raspy, thick with desire and pain of how much it hurt the night before to feel Stefan's lips on him before falling away.

"No." Stefan slid his hands down Damon's arms, forcing them around his back like Damon really had to be convinced to put his hands on his brother's body. "Not tonight."

He found the same searching gaze he felt, tightening his grip on Stefan's waist. It wasn't like he would get another opportunity anytime soon. "I want to do something for you."

With wide eyes paying full attention, Stefan licked his lips. "What do you have in mind?"

"Do you trust me?"

Damon meant it as an in-the-moment question, but felt the weight of it in the space it took Stefan to answer. The way they were locked on each other made it feel like Stefan was looking at something entirely different inside him. Suddenly the possible answers made Damon nervous.

"Yes. Of course I do." Stefan said with a kind of finality.

It was an incredible revelation, something Stefan had never said out loud. He was trusting Damon with this answer. It made Damon want to prove he was worth trusting, the surge of nervousness evaporating. If there were anything he was good at, he'd make sure it was this.

His smile grew as his whole demeanor turned a bit wicked. "Lay back."

Recognition dawned on Stefan, but he couldn't say much with his fingertips still brushing against Damon's cock. Stefan didn't hesitate, leaning back to give Damon room to move. Damon took that as the last scrap of permission he needed.

He kissed Stefan again, putting in every ounce of want that he had. The way Stefan opened his mouth against him, making these hungry little noises, fueled Damon's desire. Edging closer while sliding his hand slid under Stefan's shirt, fingers dragging along tensed abs. Up up up until Stefan raised his arms, letting Damon pull his shirt off. Parting for barely a second they sucked in a deep breath as his shirt came over his heads and hit the floor.

Stefan's eyes were dark with arousal as they locked on Damon's. All of Damon's bravado fell away as he fumbled along the hem of Stefan's boxers. His thumb brushed along the wet spot soaking into the fabric making Stefan let out a shaky breath into Damon's mouth.

Damon pulled them up and off, sliding the last barrier down Stefan's hips. He wanted to get a better look, delighted by the slick snap of Stefan's cock against his stomach, but the way Stefan was glued to his mouth, hand tangled in his hair, he wasn't going to get far. His own erection throbbed against Stefan's thigh, still covered by one last scrap of fabric. This had been everything he wanted, to give Stefan this one thing, and he had to do it quickly before Stefan snapped out of it and pushed him away again.

Then his hand was on Stefan's cock. Slick velvety skin and absolute hardness. It was the first time he'd ever had an unmasked view of what Stefan looked like at full arousal. Stefan's hips bucked forward into Damon's grip, but Stefan didn't seem to realize it. Damon breathed a sigh of relief.

The possibility that Stefan actually wanted this, had wanted him, wasn't a thought he knew how to let himself entertain. He moved his hand and swallowed Stefan's whimper. He quickly guided Stefan's hand to wrap around his cock, feeling the cool metal of Stefan's ring like a burning balm at his base. He returned the sensation. Damon lingered there to get a better idea of what he was working with by touch. Damon's hand almost covered most of it, leaving the silky dark head blurting precome over his fingers.

"Well hello," Damon snickered against Stefan's mouth. "My big boy."

Stefan shook his head, Damon's tongue tickling the inside of his lips. "'s average."

Damon leaned his head back, keeping his eyes on Stefan's, "Not even close, brother. Now get a good hold of those sheets." He smiled viciously. There'd be time later, after Damon knew the exact way Stefan let go, what it felt like on his skin, what it tasted like, for Damon to convince Stefan of what he'd always known.

Everything about Stefan was so far above average.