It was dark when Kate opened her eyes and the only light filtering into the room came from beneath the door.
Her throat felt incredibly dry and she swallowed hard a number of times and moved her tongue around. She tried to speak but no sound came out.
Already feeling tired, she closed her eyes again and drifted off back to sleep. The next time she woke, it was slightly brighter in the room.She moved her eyes from left to right, trying to figure out where she was.She didn't recognise her surroundings.The curtains were plain and boring and the bedding felt rough and clinical.
Closing her eyes slowly, she tried to lift her head up but everything felt heavy, almost leaden. Her head, her neck, her arms.It was too much effort and it took all her strength to move her head slightly to one side.
Kate still couldn't work out where she was but in a strange way, she felt safe. And it was with this feeling of security that she went back to sleep knowing that everything would be alright.
All things considered, her first night at home with the baby had been much as she had expected. Well with the exception of finding John in her kitchen. She got up again at 4am and when she next looked at the clock it said 0721am. She looked over into the Moses basket and was greeted by the baby who was wide awake and staring at the ceiling.
"Good morning little one. Did you sleep well?"
She pulled herself up and rested on her right elbow, reaching her left hand forward and gently running her finger up and down the baby's tummy.
"Are you hungry? No? I am. Well, I'm not but I need a cup of coffee. Come on, let's see what we have for breakfast. I might need to introduce you to a supermarket later on today. Are you ready for that? I'm not sure that I am."
She pulled on her dressing gown and slippers and picked the baby up, holding her close. She kissed the top of her head and inhaled, remembering how much she loved that smell when the boys were little.
As she walked into the kitchen, it was evident that Lawrence was already up. There was a loaf of bread out next to the butter which had a knife stuck in the top. The lid was off the orange juice and there was more spilt on the counter top than there was in the carton. The fridge door was wide open and Caroline could just see the feet of her youngest son.
"It's a good job I recognise those feet. I thought we had burglars."
Lawrence stuck his head out, looked at Caroline, grunted and then returned to rummaging. She turned to fill the kettle and instinctively started to clear away the mess.
"Can I get you any breakfast? I am sure there is something in there that I can rustle up for you. Anyway, I am home now. For good. Me and the baby. Would you like to say hello? Are you home for tea or do you have rugby? Do you "
She stopped talking and looked up. She was addressing the back of Lawrence's head as he disappeared down the hallway.
"Got to go. Don't want to be late."
She started to speak but the slamming of the front door interrupted her first 2 words and she stopped. Taking a deep breath, she slowly blew it out and then looked down at the baby.
The smile she gave her was a sad one and she looked long and hard into the face that she was coming to love so much.
"He does care you know. He just doesn't know how to show it. Most boys don't. You'll learn that when you get older. Much older I might add. You are too young, far too young to be worried about that."
As she walked to the other end of the kitchen, a familiar face at the window brought her back to the here and now and she waved at Celia.
"Ooo look! It's your granny. Come on, let's let her in and see what wit and wisdom she has to entertain us with today."
As soon as the door was open, Celia leaned forward and kissed her daughter on the cheek. They started talking at the same time.
"I'm sorry love."
"I'm sorry I asked you to leave the other day."
They both laughed and Caroline nodded to Celia to carry on the conversation.
"Why didn't you tell me that you were home?"
Celia held out her arms and Caroline placed the baby in them. She gently took her and rocked her up and down as she made her way into the kitchen.
"You didn't ask. Do you want a cup of tea? The kettle has just boiled."
Caroline flicked down the switch again and perched on one of the high stools. Celia sat down in the high backed chair in the corner. She looked down at the baby and started smiling at her and nodding her head.
"How has Flossie been? Did she sleep well? And how are you Caroline? Did you get enough sleep last night?"
Caroline was resting her chin in her hand, her elbow leaning on the counter. Her mother could be so tender and loving sometimes and she smiled at the picture in front of her.
"Surprisingly yes. Although I got the shock of my life when I came down to feed her in the early hours and came face to face with John. John, fast asleep in my kitchen after drinking almost a bottle of red wine. Can you believe it?"
Celia looked up, her eyes wide.
"John? What the devil did he want?"
Caroline threw her hands in the air.
"I have no idea. But he didn't get much chance to explain himself. I gave him the short edge of my tongue and he left. I couldn't help but feel sorry for him though. Well, for a little while anyway. It must be hard for him after losing his own baby. You know, to see me here with this one."
Celia looked down at the baby again.
"She is gorgeous isn't she. Yes you are!"
She started cooing again and Caroline busied herself with the tea.
"So how is Kate? Any news?"
Caroline shook her head.
"Not as yet. I am going to go back today after I have called into school. I have a meeting with Gavin to discuss my return. But she is getting better every day. The colour is returning into her cheeks and yesterday she moved her hand."
Celia looked at her daughter and her heart sank. She knew how desperate she was for Kate to wake up and she hoped that she wasn't setting herself up for another disappointment.
"Oh love. We had this conversation the other day. Are you sure you saw her "
She stopped, aware of the glare that she was getting.
"OK, OK. I'm not saying you're wrong but sometimes if you want something so much, so bad "
"Then it can happen. Mum, she moved her hand. Even Dr Malik said it was possible. They are reducing her medication and she is getting better. I know what I saw."
Caroline smiled to herself as she manouvered around the turning circle and into her own parking space. It had only been a week but she had missed the place. She climbed out of the jeep and pointed her keys in the general direction of the vehicle to lock it.
Climbing the 5 steps into the entrance hall of the school, she briefly stopped at the top and looked over her shoulder. She loved this place. It was part of who she was and everything she did was for the good of the school. Well, until last week it was. Over the space of 7 days her life had changed exponentially and she would have to learn to adjust.
Beverley was just coming out of her office with a pile of post and she stopped and gasped.
"Caroline! I wasn't expecting to see you so soon. How are you? I was so sorry to hear about Kate. How is she?"
Caroline smiled and walked over to Beverley. She reached out her hand and touched the top of her arm.
"I'm fine I think. Thank you. Kate is still in hospital obviously but she is getting stronger every day. The baby is at home with my mother and Alan getting spoiled rotten. She was singing to her when I left which is something of an acquired taste. Lawrence has hardly spoken to me for almost a week and I only ever seem to see him when he is hungry. And I am just about coping with the night feeds and the hospital trips. Is Gavin here yet?"
Beverley shook her head and started to steer Caroline towards her office.
"Ahh Gavin! He is coming to see you then? No he isn't here yet. You just about have time for a cup of tea. Shall I make a pot?"
"Yes thank you. That would be lovely."
She closed the outer door to her office and walked over to her desk, dumping her handbag in the middle of it before slipping off her coat. Gavin was always on time and glancing at her watch, she could see that she had 10 minutes to make a start on the pile of papers that were on her desk.
Sitting down she pulled the post towards her and then stopped. It didn't seem that long ago that Kate was sat opposite her telling her that she was pregnant and asking to be considered for part time working once she had had the baby. Caroline would give anything to be having that conversation again. Staring into space, she made no attempt to stop the tears that were spilling over and then felt instantly silly when there was a knock on the door and Gavin entered the office.
"Gavin. Thank you for seeing me at such short notice."
"No problem Caroline."
He noticed her puffy eyes.
"Oh, is this a bad time?"
She shook her head and waved him in the general direction of the chair opposite her.
"How are you? How is Kate?"
Caroline was getting fed up of having to explain to everyone how she felt and how Kate was progressing and the look on face told Gavin all he needed to know. He held up one of his hands.
"I get it. You're just about coping. And you just want everyone to leave you alone and hold back with the tea and sympathy."
She smiled and nodded.
"Yep. That just about sums it up. Now, if you'd like to take a seat, we can chat about the next 3 or 4 weeks and whether you think my idea will work."
An hour later and Caroline had finished her meeting, cleared the post and was heading home. She was confident that she had agreed the right way forward with Gavin. She was going to take her maternity leave entitlement early starting from the beginning of the week. The Governors had previously agreed 4 weeks and she had already made provisions for her most senior Deputy Head to take the reins. They would just have to bring the plans forward but Gavin assured her that he would clear that with the rest of the Board. They just wanted to make sure that Caroline was able to take the time off that she needed to be with Kate and the baby.
She popped her head into Beverley's office as she passed.
"I'm leaving now. Richard is going to take over as from today and I have brought forward my maternity leave. So I will see you in 4 weeks time. Well 3 and a half to be exact."
She was smiling and Beverley stood up and walked to her side. She hesitated and then threw caution to the wind and hugged her. Caroline hugged her back and breathed in deeply, overcome with emotion.
"Stop, you'll make me cry. And you wouldn't want to see that. I'm not a very pretty crier."
Caroline pulled back and smiled at her. She held her hand to her mouth.
"Sorry, it's just been so terribly hard. Everyone keeps asking how I am and I keep saying "I'm fine". But in reality all I want to do is run away and sit in a corner with a blanket over my head."
Beverley looked at her with a feeling of pity.
"And everyone keeps looking at me like that. The look of "Poor Caroline. I have no idea what to say to you and I am glad I am not in your shoes but poor Caroline." Oh, don't feel bad. I'm getting used to it now."
She started to back away towards the door.
"I'll be in touch, I'm sure I will. When I get organised, I'll bring the baby in to see you."
"I'd like that. What have you decided to call her?"
Caroline laughed.
"That is the sixty four thousand dollar question. She doesn't have a name yet. I am waiting for Kate, for her to get better so that I can discuss it with her."
"Well whatever you decide to call her, I am sure it will be just beautiful. Take care Caroline. And if there is anything that I can do for you, anything that you need, just let me know."
"I will. Thank you Beverley."
Quietly closing the door, Caroline strutted quickly down the corridor, thankful that the children were in lessons and that she wouldn't have to talk to anyone else. Being back at school gave her a melancholy feeling because she wasn't back for good. For the next 4 weeks she was playing mummy with a new born baby.
"Mum, it's me. Listen, can you do me a big favour. What? Oh, yes, sorry. How has the baby been? Really? That's good, good. Listen, can you do me a favour please. I want to visit Kate for a little while before I come home. Err, I am just on my way to the hospital actually. Yes, yes, I did make an assumption. That's OK isn't it? Look if you don't want to look after her then I'll just err. Well, right. Yes. Well I guess that will have to be OK. Yes, yes, I understand. OK mum. Yes, I'll see you at 2pm. Bye. Bye bye."
Throwing her phone onto the passenger seat, she slapped her right palm on the steering wheel.
"Bloody Gillian. Bloody farm. Bloody mother."
She expertly stopped in just the right spot and pulled the ticket from the barrier before driving under it and finding a parking space. In no time at all, she was walking down the corridor towards Kate's room.
"Wow, don't you look smart?"
The nurse on the desk looked up as soon as she heard her footsteps and she whistled at her.
"Hey, I'm a happily married woman. You're making me blush."
Elizabeth laughed.
"So am I. What's the occasion?"
"Oh, this old thing? Well this morning I have been Dr McKenzie-Dawson, head of Sulgrave Independent School. I had a meeting with my chair of Governors so I thought I ought to make an effort."
"Wow, I didn't know you were a Dr. And a head teacher. Now I am impressed."
Caroline smiled at her.
"Don't be. Well, you can be if you want but it's no big deal. Well actually it is but, well, you know. How is Kate?"
Elizabeth stood up and walked slowly around the desk. She had a strange look on her face and Caroline suddenly felt her body go stiff. Elizabeth took hold of her hand and she found she couldn't move her feet. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. Unable to do anything, Caroline stood rooted to the spot.
"Caroline."
Caroline turned her head slowly and suddenly her knees buckled underneath her. Elizabeth caught her and steadied her.
"You need to come with me. There is something I have to tell you. Something I want to show you."
She started to pull her towards Kate's room.
"No. I can't. I don't want to."
"It's OK, it really is OK. Trust me on this one."
Elizabeth leaned forward and pulled the door handle down, gently shoving Caroline into the room. She was like a petulant child, not wanting to enter. Squeezing her eyes shut, she reluctantly walked into the room and stood within a few paces of the door.
A croaky yet very familiar voice caused her eyes to snap open.
"Hello Caroline."
