A/N: Two steps forward, one step back. You didn't think it'd be THAT easy, did you? If it helps, they are naked in this entire chapter too.
And I would say I love you, but saying it out loud is hard
So I won't say it at all, and I won't stay very long
But you are the life I needed all along
I think of you as my brother
Although that sounds dumb
Words are futile devices
Futile Devices – Sufjan Stevens
Dawn came especially bright that morning.
Stefan bolted up in bed, sobered by startling reality and Damon's possessive arm wrapped around his naked waist. His morning wood pressed up against the crook of Damon's elbow. He was the one that put the soft peaceful expression on Damon's sleeping face. Changing everything between them to satisfy a lifetime of curiosity in one fucking night. A bright ball of panic rose up in his throat with all the intentions of making him hyperventilate. Shitshitshit.
What the hell did they do?
He slipped out of Damon's hold, weary of his own shame. He quietly left the room without disturbing his brother.
It was his turn to pace.
This wasn't something he ripped apart and could put back together and pretend was okay. He couldn't pretend any of it had been normal. He also couldn't keep pretending he hadn't always wondered what it'd be like to be with Damon that way. Damon was going to remember what they did together, what Stefan wanted him to do. It was something Damon may regret or even worse, want again. Hell, Stefan knew he wanted more too.
The daylight streaming in was harsh and unrelenting in everything it revealed. He didn't know if this was a feeling he could ignore anymore. It had been a century and half of convincing himself not to think about Damon that way, wasted now. Swallowing hard, still tasting his brother, feeling terrified but also sort of excited was making him ill. Stefan meant it when he said there was no going back if something happened between them. But he couldn't imagine what new roads possibly lay ahead.
He climbed in the shower in his own bathroom. Everything felt irreparably different. The remaining dried animal blood washed away easily; the remnants of the rest of his night took a little scrubbing. He wasn't sure how long he stood under the water, but it was nearly cold when he felt Damon slip in behind him.
He waited for Damon to make some sort of move. His body quaked between running away and leaning into it. When nothing happened, he turned around slowly. Damon stared at nothing through half lidded eyes. Neither made a sound and Stefan realized Damon wasn't completely there. He reached out and cupped Damon's shoulder, thumb sliding over his collarbone, everything he wanted to say choked up inside him.
Damon woke up, startled by the water falling on them. Stefan dropped his hand and took a small step back.
"Good morning, brother."
Damon looked them both up and down, stuck on their nakedness. "How did we get here?"
Stefan wanted to laugh at such a loaded question but he knew Damon meant in the most literal sense. "We walked in. Me, fully awake, you followed, apparently less so."
Damon frowned at him. "You got out of bed before I woke up?" He sounded upset, like they had established proper rules about all this that Stefan was violating. They had, he realized, if their patterns dictated expectations.
Stefan sighed, "I needed to…" he wasn't sure how to finish that, tripped over all the ways he failed at dealing with anything.
"Stick to your routine of jerking off in here without me?" Damon suggested with one raised eyebrow.
Too overwhelmed by everything else to be embarrassed, because of course Damon knew that too, Stefan only shook his head. "No, that's not what I was doing." Even though he didn't feel like he could be blamed for wanting to now.
"Hmm. So, you didn't want to lure me here naked to take advantage of me?" Damon asked, a hint of light edging into his voice.
"I would never." Stefan smiled softly, his eyes trailing down his brother's body. Because knowing he was allowed, how could he not look? His fingers itched to reach out and touch Damon again, but he held himself back with clenched hands.
Damon preened under his gaze, unabashedly standing straighter and offering his body to be admired. He noticed Stefan's hardening dick taking an interest as well. "Is that the only part of you that wants me then?"
Stefan's hand twitched, ready to hide that particular betrayal of his body. He stopped himself. Once his dick had been in his brother's mouth they were really past that formality. There wasn't much point in denying the truth anyway.
He took a step forward, placing his hands on the wall, framing Damon's head. For a moment, Damon's eyes widened, shining with raw hope. Stefan almost lost himself in those blue eyes that pressed into parts of him no one else could ever touch. He was careful not to lean in closer, not to come into contact. But his brother's heated gaze felt like hands on his skin just the same. "It's more than parts, Damon." Many parts of Stefan wanted a lot of things. That didn't mean they had to keep going.
With his palms flat against the wall behind him and a careful blank expression masking whatever glimpse of something real there had been, Damon tilted his head. "So, what then?"
"We can't," Stefan dropped his arms and took a step back, limited in the enclosed space. His heart thudded so loud; there was no room for another sound inside him. It felt like his body was ripping in half to put distance between them. "I can't."
It was hard to define the expression that flitted across Damon's face.
"Relax." Damon closed his eyes and combed the water through his hair. "I know you need some time for your guilt spiral." He exhaled with a small shake of his head then turned quickly and started to get out of the shower. "Although, when you're over it, we could do that again sometime." He regarded him again, eyes narrowed. "But only the first one's for free. Next time you have to ask."
Stunned, Stefan followed. "You'd give me a blow job because I asked?"
"What have I denied you yet?" Damon got close to wrap a towel around Stefan.
"I mean, you're going to—or, would want to? Again?" He stumbled on the words as his hand brushed over Damon's fingers tucking in the corner of the towel along Stefan's waist. It was chaste, mostly. Covering him up while Damon was still dripping wet. If Stefan could convince himself to stop following the rivulets of water rolling down those abs to...
The cocky—nonono, not thinking about it—smug look on Damon's face did not match the low timber of, "I want to do a lot of things with you."
And didn't that take the air out of his lungs and do weird things to his legs like a fucking girl. Because he'd heard it all before with the threat, the vicious slur, the damn spike in his chest of threat delivered, but never once sounding like that sweet sincere promise. The best he could crack out with was, "Oh?"
Which wasn't the refusal he should have said.
Damon offered a small smile as he rubbed a towel over his head and across his body. With the towel in his grip, he crossed his hands over his groin. "The bigger question is what do you want to do now."
"I- I don't know." Stefan hesitated. He hated his own apprehension. But it wasn't just the two of them. There were other people to consider. Like...
"Dammit, Elena's dance is tonight."
"Oh right, our girlfriend." Damon flipped the towel over his shoulder with raised eyebrows. "Is that still important?"
Swallowing hard, knowing he was about to ruin everything, Stefan nodded. He stared at the floor, anything that wasn't his brother's naked glistening body. "I have to help set up this afternoon. Before I come back to get ready."
Damon scoffed and Stefan couldn't blame him. "I promised her."
"And god forbid you break her trust."
"That's not fair." Stefan snapped, finally raising his head.
Damon smiled ruefully. "The taste of you on my tongue hasn't quite faded, brother, so I'm not really inclined to play fair." He patted Stefan on the stomach; somewhere the proof of their sex had been only an hour before. After a second, he snapped the towel off his shoulder and tossed it over Stefan's. He strolled out of the bathroom without a scrap of fabric covering him.
"Damon!" Stefan called after him, unmoving where he stood like Damon's fingers brushing against his skin had frozen him in place. The smell of his brother's clean skin lingered on the towel over his shoulder, dazing him again. "What are you going to do?"
All he got in response was a silence that filled Stefan with panic.
