Inner turmoil is a concept that a feeling that is foreign to me. I have never experienced it once in my life. Yet now it seems my mind cannot find the calm it once retained. It is as though the very idea were impossible. No matter how hard I concentrate, my mind will not quiet. I can only hope that my latest decision will give me the peace and clarity I have begun to crave.
The decision was made on an impulse, part of me still questions it. However that part is quiet and full of cowardice. I shall not listen to it. I know this is a problem I must confront, as any true warrior. I may not understand much of what is happening. But running will not grant me clarity.
Maya will arrive soon, I don't have long. Trying to collect my thoughts has proven to be…vexing. Every time I think I know something my mind swirls with a thousand new thoughts and my previous answers are destroyed. Therefore I have decided upon the most basic and trustworthy of warrior tactics. I shall follow my instincts.
I must force myself to repress the twitch that begins in my left hand. Talking is not exactly my forte. All of this is just making me want to kill. To empty my mind and relish in the blood of my enemies. This will be my first priority once this…discussion is finished.
I take a deep breath to calm the nerves I didn't even know I had. Closing my eyes I breath in the filtered air. I wonder what Pandoran air smells like? How it tastes. How it feels. The sunset is rather breathtaking. At that thought I open my eyes to see the very sight.
Maya's presence is loudly announced with a most annoying screech from the rusted door. I do not turn to face her, I continue to calm myself. Her footsteps are hesitant as she slowly shuffles closer.
"Hey Zero." Her voice is soft but my ears pick it up easily.
"Hello." I hope she does not wish to engage in small talk.
She finally comes to a stop beside me, I turn my head to regard her. Her eyes took in my form quickly, an unusual amount of hesitancy filling them. The setting sun reflects off her aqua hair. It reminds me of the sun setting over the ocean. It was a truly breathtaking sight.
"I, uh…was wondering if we could talk." There is the same hesitance in her voice as it was in her eyes. I simply nodded in response, that was the entire purpose. "So we have known eachother for a while now."
Her statement is true. In fact, since I completed my training never have I spent so much time in another individuals company. Some time ago a part of me had considered this was the reason for my attraction to her. But the attraction did not develop towards any of the other vault hunters, whom I have known the same duration. Clearly it is something specific to Maya.
"And okay, yeah I don't actually know that much about you-" She quickly cuts herself off. "But I want to!"
It is true, I have revealed little about myself to her. While in turn I have learned a good amount about the Siren. More than I have ever learned about my past targets. A part of me knew this would be required. Eventually she would want to know about me. Maya is curious and always striving to gain more knowledge.
"I already know that you are nice, when you want to be. At least you have been to me. Over the time we have been together…well." She pauses for a long moment.
I can feel my heart rate begin to accelerate. My mind has played out many scenarios. Moxxi has informed me that Maya is also attracted to me, but I have not heard this directly from the Siren herself. Could this be-
"Zero I like you!" She practically shouts the words. Her volume surprises me, and from the look in her face, it is mutual.
So there it is. Confirmed. Finally. Maya is attracted to me just as I am to her. A part of me, a large part, feels…I do not know exactly how to describe it. But I like the feeling very much. I feel the same enjoyment as if I were in battle, covered in the blood of my foes, perhaps…more.
However I do not know the proper protocol now. We both feel attraction to eachother. Maya has expressed a desire to know me more. This is impossible. She cannot know me. Nobody who still lives has ever seen my face. Even worse, if she sees my face then she will realize the lie. All her feelings…are wrong.
"I am surprised/ affection not unwelcome…" I say the words without thought, my mind automatically forming a haiku, purely from habit.
I can see a smile forming on her face, her eyes filling up with an inner light. It is a beautiful sight, one which I find myself unable to look away from. In this moment I want nothing more than to spend hours staring at her. But I realize that this cannot be, it will soon all disappear. I must make it.
"But not possible." What she feels is based upon a lie. Therefore it cannot be real.
Confusion settles into her face. "What?"
Her confusion is understandable, I must try to explain. "Your feelings misplaced/ you do not know who I am/ you do not know what."
"I don't care who you are!" She shouts, her voice filled with emotion.
I simply stare at her in response. Could that really be true?
"I don't care what you look like Zero. My feelings for you aren't going to change because of that. I know you aren't human, but that doesn't bother me." Her voice was softer, gentle in its tone. It would have soothed me, were it not for the final words.
Human. She simply thinks I will not look like a human male. She is expecting my alien appearance. She says she is willing to look past it. Will she be willing to looks past…the rest of me?
"Let me get to know the real you. I like you…and I think you like me too. Give this a chance." She smiled softly at me, it made my knees tremble ever so slightly.
She was asking me not to run away. She was asking me to fight. How could I say no? How could I deny what was in my blood? I know her words are sincere, she is adamant in her willingness to look past my alien appearance. Will she also not take issue with my gender?
It would mean revealing myself, opening myself up. It is something I have never done, was raised to never do. But…this urging, this craving I feel to accept is greater than anything I have ever felt. It is easily on par with the call of blood. I want it so badly. But will she accept me?
"Zero," Her voice was still soft. Still soothing. Her hand reached out slowly, I froze as it rested on the side of my mask. Exactly where my cheek was. I knew it was impossible but my mind truly believed that I could feel the warmth of her palm on my skin.
"I don't care who or what you are," She continued softly. "I just want the chance to know the real you."
The real me. She wants to see past the lie. In an instant my mind reared with a feeling I had never felt. But it told me to run. It told me that if she saw through the lie then I would experience a pain like never before. The feeling was so strong, so sudden and unexpected that it caused me to step back sharply, as if Maya were responsible.
The warmth receeded and I felt only an icy coldness. It surged though my body like nothing else. The compulsion to leave was almost overpowering. She would reject me. All her feelings were a lie. And I realized that was something I could not handle coming from her lips, seeing in her eyes.
"No." I said, as firmly as I could muster. I only hoped my mask made me sound more confident than I felt.
She replied instantly, her eyes and voice pleading. "Zero please! I promis-"
I cut her off, before she could give me more false hope. "I'm not what you think/ this is all an illusion/ feelings are not real." I needed to get away, I needed-
"Would you stop with the fucking haiku's for one minute!" Her voice was raw with anger, her eyes alight with passion.
I flinched, actually flinched at her harsh tone. I needed to leave. I didn't want to hear, to see, or to feel her rejection. I knew she thought I was a male. She would be horrified to see my true form. Her current anger would pale in comparison to the anger she would feel once she realized I had been lying to her.
"Just give me a chance," Her voice was low once more, the anger had left it, returning to the same soothing tone I enjoyed so much. Her hand reached out to me again as she continued. "Let me prove you wrong."
Purely out of instinct I grabbed her hand before it could touch me again. I feared it. Feared the warmth, the false sense of hope it would bring. I knew she could not possibly be attracted to me. Human relationships were between males and females. It was how they reproduced. It was hardwired into them.
I was an anomaly. I had lied to Maya. I deceived her into thinking my form would be something which met her desires. This was my fault. I needed to end this now. I needed-
"Please Zero."
Her voice tore me from my rampaging thoughts. Our eyes locked. I couldn't look away. In that moment, it felt like I wore not mask. As though she were gazing upon my true face. The determination, the emotion in her voice.
I knew that I could not deter her. Maya was stubborn. Just one of the many things I enjoyed about her. She didn't back down from a challenge. My refusal…it was like she knew how conflicted I was. It was all there in her eyes. Eyes that were so warm, so inviting, so hopeful.
I could feel my whole body begin to tremble. My heart was beating erratically, in a way it never had before. The voice that urged me to leave was suddenly silenced. Maya's warm gaze seeping through my entire body.
She was asking me to fight. I knew now, I would never be able to live with myself if I did not. Maya was so sure of herself, that her feelings wouldn't disappear. Perhaps…I needed to trust her.
Never run from a fight.
I released her hand and stepped back. My hands trembled as I reach towards the release button. That feeling came back, begging me to stop. But I pushed it aside. I needed to know. Moxxi's words played in my mind. She had told me this could be the greatest thing I ever experienced. Only if I didn't run.
Never run from a fight.
I pressed the button, producing a small hiss as the helmet depressurized. I closed my eyes as I lifted the helmet free. Hearing a sharp intake of breath, I opened them. Maya gazed at me in…shock. Yes, that was the most prominent emotion.
Her eyes studied my face carefully, still wide. I could feel the wind on my face, smell the scent on the air. But I didn't even register it, commit it to memory. All of my focus was on Maya, her expression. I poured all my knowledge and experience into reading her reaction.
"You're a woman?" She asked, her voice still full of confusion, disbelief.
I couldn't meet her gaze any longer. My eyes fell to my feet. "Now you know the truth." My voice was quiet as I replied. I tried to ignore what I had just seen, the look she had given me.
But her silence, her look it all told me everything I needed to know. She had realized the lie. She didn't feel the same way. She was attracted to males. She was attracted to the illusion I put forth.
I felt a pain radiate through my chest. It wasn't physical, it seemed to originate from inside my body. It made breathing difficult. My throat tightened, as though something was stuck inside. That feeling from before returned stronger than ever. It caused this pain to amplify beyond measure. I could feel a stinging wetness forming near my eyes.
"Your feelings were misplaced. What you thought you cared for does not exist. The illusion is dispelled." Summoning the last of my strength I met Maya's gaze to make sure. A tiny voice inside me whispered, begging me to look again. I had to be sure. As our eyes met, all doubt was destroyed.
Rejection. She was appalled by my true form, by the implications. My abnormal nature repulsed her. She didn't deny it. Her eyes just staring at me in disbelief, in what had to be disgust.
The urge to flee overtook me. Without thinking I activated my cloaking ability and ran. I ran faster and harder than ever before. My mind was swirling with a million thoughts. The pain within me almost caused me to stagger, but I was determined to push though.
Without conscious thought I found myself at the fast travel station. I knew what I needed to do. The only thing I could do. The urge to kill, to slaughter overpowered everything else. Activating the station I was instantly transported away.
The feeling of being deconstructed eliminated the pain for several milliseconds. But when I was reconstructed it returned tenfold. My body was moving immediately, blade in my hand as I ran towards the bandit camps.
I needed to kill. Never before had I felt the compulsion this strongly. I needed to feel the blood of my enemies on my skin. I didn't even bother putting my helmet back on. They would look at my true face. They would look at me with the same disgust Maya felt and I would cut out their eyes!
The first guard never even saw me coming as I beheaded him from behind. His companion didn't even raise his weapon before I disemboweled him. As I moved inside the camp I saw it swarming with bandits. I butchered them all.
I lost myself in a red haze as I bathed in their blood. I saw the fear in their eyes. I saw the hate, the disgust. I killed them all. My form was so displeasing that they fled from me, shrieking in horror.
I dueled with an axe wielding psycho. His eyes were wild and frantic. But I knew he was disgusted with what he saw. Maya was! She had promised she would accept me! I hacked the screaming man's arm off.
Why was I so wrong? I removed the man's legs with a single slash. As he fell I slammed my sword through his chest, finally silencing him. Looking up I saw three more psycho's rushing me. Without hesitation I met them.
I blocked the first attack and removed the offending appendage. As he screamed I ducked under his companions attacks. The first I dispatched with a flick of my wrist, which severed his head. The second fell to the ground as I cut off his leg. I returned my attention to the armless man, shoving my blade in his throat. As he fell, gurgling blood, I looked down to the last man.
His eyes were wide with horror, not like a usual psycho. But that's because he was seeing my true form. Of course he was repelled. Just like Maya was! I could see my reflection in his dark eyes, I could see the abnormality that Maya had seen. Without thinking I dropped my blade, both my hands went to his face as I dug my fingers into his eyes, tearing away my offending image. I didn't even register his screams. I just wanted it gone!
I was knuckle deep in his eye sockets before I finally realized he had stopped moving. For how long I couldn't say. Exhaling deeply I rose, grabbing my sword. I had hoped this would bring me peace. For a few precious moments it did. But now it was gone and the pain returned.
What did I do now? I couldn't go back. I could never looked into Maya's eyes again. Surely she-
Footsteps froze my thoughts and I gripped my blade tighter. These steps were soft, anyone but me would have missed them entirely. I turned around, ready to kill more foes. I needed it! I needed-
Athena. My eyes went wide as they took in her form. How had she found me? Why was she even here? Her eyes were locked with mine. They were so focused, taking in every detail. But why? I immediately looked away as I felt a cool breeze on my uncovered face. That was why she was looking so closely.
"Zero…" Her voice was surprisingly soft, soft like Maya's.
I refused to look up at her, my eyes locked on my sword. I could not handle seeing the same rejection in this warriors eyes. I respected her too much. I couldn't handle seeing the disgust in Maya's eyes, seeing it in Athena's would break what was left of me.
"Do not look at me." My own voice sounded foreign in my ears, without my helmet filtering it. I tried not to sound like I was begging, but I was.
"Why not?" She asked. There was little emotion in her voice, as per usual, but she did sound genuinely confused.
"I am wrong." I blurted without thinking. "You have been deceived." Like Maya she would be disgusted by the fact I was not male, that I lied to her.
She may not have been attracted to me like Maya was, but surely she could see the same wrongness in me that the siren did. Athena was the closest thing I had to an equal, a comrade. Now she too would see me for the abomination I was.
"Are you a woman?" Athena's voice was devoid of emotion. But I would not be lulled into a false sense of security just because she didn't show disgust in her tone. She was too skilled for that. Just one of many reasons I liked her.
"Yes." I admitted, a woman like her would want to be sure, given my alien origins.
"Alright then, that's fine." Still no emotion.
"What?" My head snapped up to lock eyes with hers. What did she mean it was fine? Surely this must be a ruse. She wanted to lull me into complacency so she could destroy me!
"It doesn't change anything. You never actually told anyone if you were male or female. It's not your fault we all made assumptions. As far as I am concerned you didn't deceive me. You are still Zero to me." She spoke with such little emotion, or care. She spoke as if this were an obvious fact.
I could only stare in disbelief. Was she telling the truth? Did…did my form really not disgust her? I hadn't realized it but I supposed it was true, I never told anyone my gender, everybody just assumed. Still, I could have easily made corrections…
Yet, even despite that…she was saying that nothing had changed? That she accepted me? "Why?" I breathed, not meaning to actually ask aloud.
"Why what?" She asked, cocking her head ever so slightly in confusion.
"Why do you accept me?" I couldn't stop my curiosity now. I felt the blossoming of something warm within me. The pain and other emotions I had been feeling still ran rampant through me, but this new feeling, I coveted it. Athena's answer would either help it grow or destroy it forever.
"Why shouldn't I?" Again she sounded as though this were obvious, shrugging her shoulders as she answered. "You are still Zero. I still respect you. Your skill hasn't changed. Your personality hasn't changed. I still like you just the same."
I was struck speechless. She wasn't lying. At least, not that I could detect. Her eyes held no shock, no disgust, there was no rejection. That warm feeling began to grow within me. Was she…could she truly be accepting me? Her eyes were still looking over my form, but there was something in her eyes I had never seen before.
"…maybe even a little more." She muttered the last phrase so quietly I barely picked it up. But her eyes were still looking over my entire body with that strange look.
"My true form is not upsetting to you?" She was looking at me so carefully, but there was no disgust or shock. Was she truly not repulsed by me?
"No…I…I…umm…I actually like it." Her voice was uncommonly hesitant, but it wasn't from being unsure. She sounded sure of her words.
Wait! Athena was not only accepting of my true form, she actually liked it? Surely she must been in a new way that I am unfamiliar with. We are both women. I am unnatural, Athena would not be attracted to me.
"I…think you're really pretty." Athena's voice was hesitant, her cheeks began to turn red as she spoke.
My eyes locked in on the colour. I had seen that before! I knew what it was! Athena was blushing! And she had called me…pretty? Yes, that was the word. I didn't know an exact definition but I was fairly certain it was the same as the term beautiful.
Athena…she found me attractive? Surely I must be mistaken, or maybe Athena was. She could see my true form after all. What was there to be attracted to? Maya had been repulsed by me, unable to even speak. I was an anomaly. Athena couldn't be attracted to me…could she?
"Zero I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I accept you for you. Be it the Zero that stands before me or Zero with the mask on. You're all the same person." Athena's voice was strong, regaining its usual confidence.
Still I stared at her in silence. She…accepted me? She not only accepted me but was attracted to me? That warm feeling that I still had no term for had suddenly gained in strength. It was overpowering all the pain and other foreign feelings Maya had caused within me.
"You…" How did I ask? Did I dare ask…yes, I had to be certain. "You are attracted to me?"
I couldn't tear my eyes away from hers. I was alert for any sign of deception, guarded against rejection. Maya had also promised many things. A small voice inside me was quietly repeating the same mantra over and over again as I waited for an answer.
Don't reject me. Please.
"Y…yeah, I…I really am." Her eyes looked over my entire form again. Once more a blush forming in her cheeks.
I could see nor hear any deception. All I sensed from her was truth. Athena accepted me. Accepted me when Maya had rejected me. My true form, my true identity, everything that was wrong with me. Athena accepted.
She was as close to an equal I had ever found. Her skill was incredible. Her judgement, her mannerisms, I appreciated everything about her. Ever since I we met I had felt drawn to her. But I had simply assumed she could be my equal, my rival. But perhaps she could be more.
Had I been so preoccupied trying to decipher my feelings towards Maya that I had missed such potential? I had once thought Maya was my ultimate target as well. But instead I found myself attracted to her. Have my feelings for Athena simply been clouded?
I looked at her again, as if for the first time. I had always noted her strong build, her stoic features. Much of her form was hidden by her armour and clothing, it was clear she was in exceptional physical condition. Her steel eyes were always so focused and full of determination. Her hair was a deep purple, it somehow reminded me of the galaxy.
Yes. I found Athena's from very pleasing. She was…pretty. I couldn't quite tell if I had noticed this before now, but it was making itself clear. This warm feeling inside me seemed to make it far more obvious. I could feel my cheeks gaining a certain heat as I looked at Athena, but I ignored it.
I opened my mouth to reply, but realized I didn't know what to say. So many things still raged around inside me like a storm. I found Athena's form pleasing, but was I attracted to her in the same was I was to Maya? Athena was offering me more than Maya did, perhaps more than she ever could. Could I even be attracted to her? I was already attracted to Maya, was it really possible to be attracted to another?
I almost growled in frustration. Why did I have to experience these feelings at all? Why could I not focus simply on battle? Everything was so much clearer when I was fighting. My mind quieted. It also did help me to think. But what did I do now? Trying to change my ways and talk things through with Maya had only led me here. I did not want to do the same with Athena.
"Don't speak with words." Athena's voice cut through my thoughts like her blade. "Fight me. Let our blades and our bodies speak for us."
It was as though she were reading my very thoughts. Actions spoke far louder than words. Battle was the truest form of communication. It showed me everything I needed to know about a person. Everything I felt about them. I had been looking forward to dueling Athena since the moment we meant. Perhaps this is why, perhaps it was all due to these hidden feelings.
I simply nodded in response, shifting my blade and body into a ready position. Athena responded in kind. Her shield held infront of her body, blade resting ontop, arm held up and ready to strike with lighting precision and speed. Her feet were planted firmly in the ground, ready to stand steady or spring forth in a burst of speed.
My eyes tracked up her form, admiring her stance, her determination…her beauty. Her face was set in in stony determination. Her eyes blazed with the passion of a true warrior. I knew in this moment this woman was every bit my rival. This duel would answer that question, but also, hopefully, tell me if she was more.
My heart began racing in anticipation. This would be a glorious fight in so many ways. Never before had I been so excited for a battle. Not only was I going to duel a worthy opponent, but it was someone who accepted me. The true me. She accepted me and more. I couldn't stop the smile from coming to my lips as that warmth flooded through me again. Athena's lips smiled in response. It was visibly no more than a twitch, but I knew what it meant. Without another moments hesitation I sprang into battle.
Okay, so here is this chapter. This was a really tough one to write but I am happy with how it turned out. So lets get right into it.
Really trying to convey Zero's fragile mental state right now. She has never felt any of these feelings before, hell she can't even name half of them. So I think it's reasonable for her to be overwhelmed and act in that some may consider out of character.
She is feeling rejected by the first person she has ever had feelings towards and shown her face. In an attempt to make sense of it she is thinking that something is wrong with her. She has no understanding of relationships and since in society it is mostly heterosexual relationships that are shown, that is what she thinks is normal. She is simply trying to make sense of something that she is not equipped to understand.
She is angry and hurt. When Athena comes in and accepts her, it is like a glimpse of hope. Zero respects Athena so much and if someone like that could not only accept her but also be attracted to her, why wouldn't she want to return those feelings? Or at least consider the possibility. Again, this is not sudden shift to "I LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE FOR ME!" It's merely Zero considering an option she had closed herself off to. As stated, she has no idea that you could be attracted to more than one person.
I really hope you all like the chapter! More to come soon.
Small announcement: I started a pole of what fic I will publish after this one. Go to my page and vote if you want!
Thank you all again so much for your support! You are all awesome people!
Stay Classy!
