Nothing matters

"What happened with Lucas?" Taylor asked when he came back with Jim and Damon.

"He lost his temper. Looks like you and your son have a lot in common after all."

"He's gone."

"I told you I was not ready. I guess he was not ready either."

Taylor didn't reply to her last comment and sat behind his desk. He had decided it would be easier if Jim continued the conversation he had had with Alexandra earlier. Jim stood in front of Alexandra who didn't want to sit anyway.

"I don't know what happened to you during this last year, but I'm quite sure this is not something you want to talk about right now." Jim knew how to talk to her because for the first time she was really listening. "The trouble is we don't have much time to deal with that, unless you can tell us that your father is not going to attack us soon."

"I can't promise you that."

"Alex, what did your father do to you?"

"He trained me."

"To?"

"To be the best."

"Best at what?" Jim insisted.

"Remembering, protecting, fighting, shooting, escaping… Killing," her voice trailed off at the last word. Suddenly she found it difficult to swallow her saliva. Yes, her father had made her an assassin. She could see the others' reactions. They seemed to be disgusted. Or was it pain? Suddenly a man came in, breaking up their conversation.

"Commander, you wanted to see me?" Blood drained from Alexandra's face as she recognized the voice of the man that had entered. Alexandra's eyes became dark and cold. In a second, without thinking, her gun was pointing in his direction.

"Thomas," she spat angrily through gritted teeth. "What is he doing here?" She hissed, glowering at Thomas.

"He is with us now," Taylor replied calmly.

"How can that be?" She asked furiously, still glaring at him.

"Put your gun down Alex," he commanded her quietly.

"Can't do that," she said coldly.

"I'm on your side Alex," Thomas stammered. "Just put your gun down, please." Thomas was clearly afraid of Alexandra and he had every reason to be. Her expression was hard, ready to shoot.

"Come on Alex, drop that gun," Damon begged her, stepping closer to her. Suddenly she raised a second gun in Damon's direction without stopping glaring at Thomas. Damon stared at her in disbelief. Where had she found this second gun? In reflex, he searched for his spare gun at his belt and found nothing. She had stolen his gun and it was all his fault. When he had hugged her earlier she had had the opportunity to do it. But why? Why did she do that at the time? She had no reason to think she could need it.

"Don't do that Damon," she warned him. "Stay where you are." Damon stopped instantly. At her tone, he knew she was deadly serious.

"Alex, I…" Thomas started to say.

"Shut up!" She cut him off, her finger ready to pull the trigger. "Shut your fucking mouth."

"Go on, kill him," a voice suddenly said from outside. Alexandra glanced up quickly to see Lucas at the window, his face dark. "Go ahead," he insisted, walking in the room. "Shoot him. He deserves it." Alexandra gritted her teeth in frustration. Wasn't he supposed to be gone? Why was he intervening? And what the hell was he doing? She didn't have to wonder too much as Lucas stepped between Thomas and her, his hands up in the air.

"Move, Lucas," she said, but her voice was less forceful than before and they all noticed it.

"Gimme the gun," he ordered her gently, lowering one of his hands and holding it open. She glared at him, her hand tightly gripping the gun. The fact that he didn't ask her for the second gun didn't stay unnoticed. He didn't believe she could shoot Damon, but he did believe she could kill Thomas. And he was right, she knew she could. She knew she wanted to. She inhaled and exhaled slowly, trying to calm herself down.

"No."

"Then do something," he suggested. "Take a decision. Your call." She glanced quickly at Thomas behind him and back to Lucas' gaze. She seemed to deliberate as Lucas stepped aside, leaving her in front of a defenseless Thomas, shaking from head to toe, scared.

"Lucas!" Thomas said with anguish. "What are you doing?"

Alexandra was disgusted by Thomas, she despised him so much. He was pitiful, not the man who was so proud to work for her father a year ago. Alexandra kept glaring at him and slowly lowered Damon's gun and threw it back to him. Then, she moved her finger from the trigger and took the weapon by the barrel, making everyone release their breath. All of a sudden, before anyone could prevent it, she threw it violently right onto Thomas' head, knocking him down. She walked steadily to him and kneeled down, grabbing her gun.

"Don't ever approach me again or I'll shoot you," she spat in his ear. "And next time there will be no one to stop me." Then she walked outside, not listening to Taylor who was ordering her to stay. Nobody tried to stop her, they were all shocked by the event.

She went downstairs and stood with her back against the wall of the headquarters, under the balcony, hidden from the people. She let her body slide down the wall, kneeling gently. She remained crouched for a moment, her head between her legs, trying to catch her breath and especially trying to calm down. She was in hell. She definitely was in a nightmare and she would soon wake up. There was no other reason for what was happening. Maybe if she shut her eyes for long enough, she would wake up in her bedroom in 2150.

"Alex?" No, she was wrong. This voice was too real to be dreamt. "Alex?" The voice insisted, forcing her to open her eyes and look up.

"I don't want to talk about it, Jim," she sighed.

"I'm not gonna ask you to talk about it. Actually, if it was just me, I would have let you shoot him down," he confessed. Alexandra looked at him in disbelief. "But it's not just me. Like it's not just you."

"But it's just Taylor," she stated. She looked at him intensively. He had been the only one who had not tried to touch her, to push her. He was probably the only one who could understand her need to keep some distance from them.

"Come on, he wants to talk to you."

"As long as I don't have to talk to him," she muttered, accepting the hand Jim was offering her. When Alexandra entered the room again, Lucas was gone. So was Thomas. At the sight of Taylor, her anger immediately came back. "What are you gonna do with me?" she said, talking first.

"What do you mean?" Taylor asked.

"I obviously disrespected you earlier. I overrode your authority. I guess you have to punish me for that." Taylor shook his head in disbelief.

"Do you really think I'm that kind of man?" He asked her, his face crestfallen.

"I don't know who you are anymore. Maybe I've never known," she replied coldly. It hurt him more than he could say to have her that cold and distant with him. Had she always felt that way about him or had one year with her father changed her beyond who she was?

"Ok, I can see you're upset. You obviously have something you wanna tell me, so go on. Anything you say in the next 30 seconds is free, starting right now." Alexandra didn't hesitate for a second. The words came out almost naturally as if she had prepared them a long time ago.

"I think you're cocky, arrogant, bossy and pushy. You also have a God complex and don't think of anybody but your damn self. You say that everything you do you do it for the colony. My point of view? You do it for yourself."

"But, I…"

"Wait. I still have 20 seconds left and I'm not done yet." Damon suppressed a chuckle at her remark. She turned her head and spotted him looking back at her with a ghost of a smile. He was enjoying the scene. Jim had to control himself so he didn't smile too. Even if it was a serious situation, he thought it was quite funny to see the big Taylor being lectured by the girl.

"You just allowed a traitor like Thomas to stay in Terra Nova after what he did to the colony. He lied to you for months, years probably, and still, you forgave him? You hardly forgave Lucas when he came back to you on his own and you almost forgave every Sixer and the Phoenix group! How can you be so blind unless you're too arrogant to see what's just in front of you! They are traitors! They will always be! They chose this life, they wanted it!"

"Ok. Ok, I've heard you. You disagree with my methods, I understand that. Still, it's my colony, my decisions," Taylor reminded her. He didn't want to be rude, but if she was going to stay, she had to keep in mind who was in charge. Taylor was frustrated by the situation. He really didn't expect their reunion to be like that. "And for the record, Thomas, like most of the sixers, has proved himself during the last year. I allowed him to stay. He has changed and I trust him. He gave us information about your father. He helped us with trying to find you." Taylor had just confirmed what she had already guessed. Thomas had been accepted as a Terra Novan. She couldn't tolerate it. It was driving her mad to see how he had been so easily forgiven.

"Well he didn't do a good job, did he?"

"Alex, I don't know what you want me to say or do."

"What were you expecting me to do? Jump in your arms? Like I've been trying for a year to come back here? Like I've missed you?" She said with disdain. "I didn't want to come back! Coming back was not an option. I was not supposed to come back." Her words were slowly sinking into their minds. They had never thought she might not want to come back. Why wouldn't she? Her friends were here. Her home was here. Her family was here. Obviously they had hurt her more than they had thought. But something more frightening was started to rise into Taylor's head. How much had she suffered with them? Was it enough to make her do something radical, something so extreme that she would work with her father?

"But it's your home here!"

"This is not my home!"

"Where's your home then?" His question made her freeze.

"I have none," she replied in a blank tone.

"What was your plan then?" Damon suddenly asked bitterly. "If coming back was not an option, what were you planning to do back in 2150?"

"End it. Destroy the portals and stop my father."

"Someone would create a new portal. You would have ended nothing with this plan," Damon snapped.

"You're so stupid. All of you. You know nothing."

"Then explain it to us if you're so clever," Damon spat.

"There's a nuclear war rising up. People are starving. Governments are afraid. Every country is threatening the other ones with bombs. This is the end of our earth. Soon there will be nothing left." Even with her answers, Taylor had a doubt. He needed to know what she had done other than trying to stop her father.

"Now, answer my question. It's simple. Can we trust you? How can I be sure you're not here working for your father?"

"Can you trust me?" She asked in disbelief. "Do you really think I'm here to spy on you?" She chuckled ironically. "Do you really believe I'm working for my father after what happened?"

"I have to ask you this and I need an answer."

"The real question is, can I trust you? Because last time you asked me to believe you, it didn't end well for me."

"I know how hurt you must feel. I understand that, trust me."

"No you can't. You can't because it didn't happen to you, it happened to me! I blamed you, I hated you, I hated everybody. I hated my mother for being so weak, I hated my father for being so evil, I hated you for having made this plan behind my back and above all I hated Damon and Lucas for having accepted to be a part of your stupid plan. I blamed all of you without exception." Her voice was filled with all the anger, all the pain and all the fear she had felt when he had betrayed her, when he had abandoned her. Damon froze at her confession. So she hated him? He had been upset to hear she didn't want to come back, but now he finally knew why. His wounded heart was aching. He had never wanted to hurt her or to lie to her. He had lost her.

"I know you blame me for what happened and you are totally within your rights to do that. But I need to know that your hatred for us is not going to lead you to do extreme things."

"Like what?"

"Like hurting people, like hurting yourself."

"It's too late for that. You already lied to me, you already hurt me. You left me," she said bitterly. "Yet it was for my own good, wasn't it?" She asked ironically.

"I am really sorry Alex. I want you to know that I really am sorry."

"I don't care, it's too late now. What has been done is done. Can't change it."

"I wish I could, I wish I could make things different…"

"Yet you can't," she cut. "Look, you thought that leaving me in the dark, pushing me out of it was the best solution and you were wrong. Lying to me was wrong, lies never bring good, there are always bad consequences when you lie to someone. You, more than anyone, should know that. You should have trusted me more, you should have known I would have helped you."

"It was not about trust! I wanted you to spend time with your parents while you could because I knew that one day we would have to deal with them. I wanted you to make the most of it."

"The most of it? The most of a lie? Look what you've done! You lied to me to keep me out of it and I ended up right in the middle of it."

"It's not a mistake I'm proud of. I won't forget it."

"You said to me that I should not worry, you promised me nothing was going on and I believed you! You swore for God sake! You swore to me knowing perfectly well that you were lying, knowing I would find out that you were lying to me!" Tears were threatening to flood her eyes. Her vision became blurry.

Taylor was speechless, he knew how wrong his decision had been, he knew he had made a mistake, the only thing he could do was apologize. His icy blue eyes started to get wet. For the second time in his life, he felt helpless.

"Everything should have ended on that day," she blurted out, shaking her head. "I should not be here. I should not have to endure this again."

"You don't think you deserved to be saved?" He asked, stunned. "What did you think when you tried to cut your throat? Huh? Do you really think it was the best solution?" She looked at him, her eyes filled with tears, lips trembling.

"I thought… I thought that if I killed myself you would have a chance to kill my father. I thought you would see that you were wrong not to trust me. I thought killing myself would prove to you I've always been on your side. I thought everything would end, my problems would be solved, the pain would stop... I never thought my father would save me, I never thought I would have to get hurt again, I never thought I would have to do what I did, I never thought I would have to come back, I… I never thought I would have to live."

Taylor couldn't watch her suffering any longer, even if she had refused his approaches earlier. He took her in his arms, holding her tightly. For the first time in ages, he began to cry. He cried from pain, for what he had done, for what he had lost, and he cried from joy, for what he had found. Alexandra had sworn she would not let her feelings get in the way, but she had lost it. It was just too much for her to handle.

"Everything would have been so much easier if you had told me," she sobbed. "We were family once…"

"We still are, you still are. You're like a daughter to me. I still love you Alex. I truly love you, this is not something that I can stop," he said in a croaky voice. "And if you still want me in your life, I'll be the happiest man in the world."

Taylor was not the kind of person who could show his emotions easily, even more so when it came to saying them. But here, he was following Dr Shannon's advice. This was what Alexandra needed and he needed it too. She didn't reply, but he felt her nod against his chest, making him tighten his embrace. He didn't want to let her go, he needed to feel her safe in his arms, he needed to feel her alive in his arms. He was just realizing how much he had feared she would be dead, how much he had been frightened that he would never see her again. Jim cleared his throat to remind them they were not alone. Alexandra stepped out of Taylor's embrace and dried her cheeks with her hands.

"You look exhausted," Taylor sighed. "You know what, we will continue our conversation tomorrow. You go and have some rest."

"Ok," she nodded.

"Lieutenant Keagan, can you walk her to her house please?"

"Yes sir."

"You better ask Malcolm to come tomorrow though. I think he'd like to see what I wanna show you," Alexandra added.

"I'll ask him to come then."

"Ok. I see you tomorrow then."

"I'll be here."

"You'll be there too?" she asked Jim. He looked at Taylor who nodded in agreement. "Great. See you then." She was ready to leave when she heard Taylor wondering where his walkie-talkie was. She turned back to him and put it on his desk without a word. As he gave her a questioning look, she simply answered, "Sorry. It was a reflex." She followed Damon outside and they walked in silence.

"Your house is still yours. We left everything," Damon informed her after a moment.

"Ok." She didn't know what to say. He was probably like her anyway. Why pretend the opposite? Once they arrived in front of her old house, she felt her heart quicken. It was really strange for her. It was like she had jumped back into the past. Actually, it was exactly what she had done. But she had never thought it would disturb her so much.

"Are you hungry?"

"Huh, no. I don't think so."

"You don't think?"

"I am not. I mean, I'm ok. Thanks." Damon opened the door but stayed outside.

"If you need anything… Well, you know."

"Yeah, I know," she forced a smile. They stayed speechless once again before Damon spoke again.

"Good night," he wished her. "Sleep well." It hurt her to see how sad he was. She didn't think it was fair of him to act like he was a victim here. But she couldn't help but feel sorry for him. As he was leaving, she called him back.

"Damon!" He turned back to her, hope in his eyes. "I… Just give me some time, alright?"

"Alright," he smiled thinly. She felt her heart tighten and without thinking she walked back to him and gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek.

"I'll see you tomorrow." And then she walked inside and shut the door, leaving him alone. Damon stayed still a moment, pleasantly surprised. His hand lightly touched his cheek where she had kissed him and he grinned. He had not lost her, not completely. His heart seemed to function again, lightening his mood. He was looking forward to seeing her the next day. With this thought in mind, hewalked back home happily.


Feel the music, feel the story

"I'm coming home. I'm coming home. Tell the World I'm coming home. Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday .I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes. I'm coming home, I'm coming home. Tell the World that I'm coming." Coming home - Skylar Grey