Merry Christmas! ;)
In your eyes
Like the two previous nights, Alexandra was tired, but couldn't sleep. She hated it. Grumbling to her nervous body and weak mind, she stood up from her bed and got dressed again. She put on a pair of shorts and a tank top, and walked straight to the front door, leaving the house.
She walked quickly in the warm and thick air, trying to free her mind from all of the interrogations she had. She started to walk faster as theories rushed through her mind, then jog, and ended running. She sprinted a long time, until she eventually stopped, noticing she had gone back home. She looked at her watch and realized she had been out for an hour and a half.
"And I'm not even tired," she mumbled grumpily.
"Alex?"
In no time to acknowledge whoever called her, a gun was pointed in the direction of where the voice came from.
"Wow," Lucas chuckled, surprised, holding his hands in the air. "I mean you no harm!"
"You never know what you might encounter at night," she teased, lowering her pistol.
"That's not a way to welcome someone!"
"You surprised me."
"Sorry."
"No, it's me. I'm a little… jumpy. I haven't been sleeping very well lately."
"Thoughts of me?" He grinned widely. She crossed her arms over her chest, arching her eyebrows. "Hey, I get it. Sometimes I'm up all night, just thinking about myself." She rolled her eyes, sighing with annoyance. "I just wanted to see if you were okay."
"I'll be fine when you leave," she retorted.
"Right! But actually, I want you to come with me."
"Why?"
"I think it's time we make peace, don't you think?"
"Depends on what kind of peace you've got in mind," she stated. He raised a doubtful eyebrow at her, his expression shrewd.
"I don't see what you're implying…"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about."
"Ah ah, yeah. Well, this is not what you think. Let's have a fresh start. I want to show you something."
"Okay, show me."
"Not here. I need you to come with me."
"Where?"
"I can't tell you!"
"Why?"
"It's a surprise"
"What is it?"
"It's a surprise! This is precisely the goal that you know nothing."
"Honestly, I'm not sure I want to do that."
"Humor me," he begged her with beady eyes. She frowned, unsure. "Don't you trust me enough?"
She looked at him for a moment, considering it and eventually nodded.
"Close your eyes."
"No!" she scowled.
"Come on!" He insisted.
"No!" She glared at him.
"Pleeeeease," he pretended to beg, tilting his head to the side, eyes wide open, acting like a puppy who wanted a hug.
"Ok," she sighed. "But don't do anything stupid or I'll kick your ass."
"Promise," he swore, with a huge smile on his face, putting his right hand over his heart. She shook her head, smiling.
"God what am I gonna do with you," she grumbled.
"Come on," he said, grabbing her arm and turning her. He gently tied the blindfold around her head. "Let's go," he whispered into her ear. While having her eyes shut, she was suddenly hyper-aware of his presence behind her. She couldn't get use to it. Every time he was close to her, her heart would race. She was stunned by the unexpected electricity that flowed through her.
They walked for at least ten minutes until Alexandra had enough wandering about.
"Are you trying to get me lost?" She groaned. As he didn't answer, she insisted. "Lucas?"
"No, I'm not," he chuckled.
"Then why are we going round in circles for at least ten minutes now?"
"You did notice, didn't you? I forgot you were that smart!" he joked.
"Honestly, I'm really sad you underestimate me that much," she smiled lightly.
"You don't know how to take a compliment, do you?"
"Wait, there was a compliment in what you said?"
"Kinda, yes," he smirked.
"Are we there yet? I don't like being in the dark…"
"Just a few more steps and we'll be there."
She heard him open a door, they walked inside a building and he locked the door. She wasn't sure that this was a good idea anymore.
"You can open your eyes now." She opened her eyes to realize Lucas had taken her into The Eye. "Music," he ordered. "Breakbot, Baby I'm yours," he precised, and music started to play.
"I thought I had it all together but I was led astray the day you walked away. You were the clock that was ticking in my heart, changed my state of mind but love's so hard to find…"
Alexandra cracked a smile, staring at the ground. Lucas would always surprise her. The choice of the song, this private place, his perfect green eyes looking at her with desire, his insolent smirk playing on his face… Yes, he definitely knew how to please her. Alexandra liked this song a lot and Lucas' care touched her a lot too.
Lucas was not a music fan, but since she had left, he had found comfort in the songs she used to like. All it took was one song to bring back a thousand memories to both of them. Lucas was talking to her through this song. He was telling her every word he couldn't pronounce.
"Would you do me the pleasure?" He asked her, holding his hand out to her. She smiled, and unlike at the party, she decided she would please him.
"Of course", she grinned, putting her hand in his.
"Listen baby, your wish is my command. Baby won't you understand that your wish is my command. What can I do to make my baby understand?"
He gently pulled her against him, put her hands on his shoulders and put his on her waist. Alexandra melted in his arms, he was warm and tender, just like she liked him. Her heart started beating really fast, and she was sure he could feel it against his chest. She felt her cheeks blushed and hid herself in his embrace.
She closed her eyes and laid her head in the crook of his neck. She felt him press his head on hers, his breath against her neck making her shiver and leading him to tighten his embrace. They danced slowly, close, during the whole song. It was not supposed to be a slow dance, but they didn't care. When it ended, they didn't stop dancing. They didn't want it to stop, they didn't want to go back to reality.
"You won't stop will you?" She whispered to his ear, a smile on her face.
"What?" he asked innocently.
"Trying to get me back." She felt him chuckle.
"I'm not trying to get you back," he smirked. "But just to know, if I was, trying to get you back I mean, would it work?"
"Not at all," she smiled back. "But it would be a nice try, if you were, I mean."
"Of course, it's pure theory."
"Of course."
"Because you asked me not to."
"Exactly."
After a few more dances, Lucas made the eye project a picture of the jungle in the room and they laid on the floor, staring at the ceiling. Alexandra felt peaceful for the first time since a long time. She was clearly enjoying this time spent with Lucas. She couldn't help but think that he was the only one to know who she was, to understand her perfectly, to know what she truly needed.
It had been a while for Lucas since he had been able to lay down and just enjoy the moment. It was so pleasurable to be there with Alexandra and just appreciate someone's company.
"I never got the chance to tell you, but you were stunning in that dress the other night."
"Thanks, but it's only thanks to Maddy. She transformed me," she chuckled.
"You're stunning in whatever you wear," he said seriously.
"Yeah, right," she said doubtfully.
"I haven't slept with her you know," he confessed suddenly.
"Who?"
"Amy."
"Oh." It was the only sound that got out of her mouth at his confession. "I guess it's good news. I mean, she's not exactly the kind of girl you can stay with."
"When you know what it feels like to have sex with someone you really love, it's different. You don't want to waste your time with easy girls like her."
"So, what are you like now?" She asked, trying to forget that he had just tell her he really loved her.
"You know, lonely, tortured, evil... ever since I got my heart broken."
"Skye, Kristen, now Amy… They really did a number on you, huh?" She mocked.
"Come on, you know I'm not talking about them. I thought our story was… epic, you know, you and me."
"Epic?"
"Yeah, epic. You know, extraordinary life, fantastic and heroic adventure, and dramatic romance. Us living in the jungle, travelling the world, fighting for our liberty. Also violent wars, ruined lives, bloodshed. Epic."
"Lucas..."
"I'm sorry about last year," he cut. "I am really sorry. You know, if I could do it over..."
"Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?"
"No one writes songs about the ones that come easy."
"Since when are you listening to music?"
"Since I've got you in my life." She almost choked at his answer, but stayed silent for a moment before speaking again.
"You know, with everything that happened, everything we've been through, this kiss, with Skye, it seems so insignificant, it was so ridiculous. My reaction was disproportionate."
"No, it was not. You were right, I was wrong. It should have never happened. Don't underestimate what happened. I know I've been stupid and you had every right to do what you did after."
"Yet, it was nothing when you compare it to what happened next."
"You have always been honest with me and I hate myself because I didn't deserve your trust."
"Don't say that…"
"You're awesome. You're amazing. What you've been through in life... You stayed strong, kept your heart and protected your soul. You stayed yourself. That's incredible. You're incredible. There's no one else like you, Alex."
"I'm not that strong. I'm not strong, at all."
"Yes, you are. A lot more than me."
"No way, you've been through a lot more than me. You're the strongest person I know."
"Look where I was when I met you. I was not a good example of success," he smiled.
"You don't know me," she shook her head. "You know nothing about me. I don't know who I am anymore myself!"
"Maybe I don't know much about your life. Maybe I can't understand what you've been through. Maybe I can't know what it is to be you. But what I do know, it's who you are. I know who you are Alex. I do."
"No you don't. I have changed. You have changed. We are not the same people we were a year ago. You're different. I'm different." Her words were rude but her tone was just reflecting the sadness she had inside her.
"So you think. But you're wrong. I can see it. You're still that girl I met in the jungle, running away from danger but brave enough to face it when it's time. You're still that strong girl that shot a dino to save my life, that fought with the Sixers, escaped the Phoenix group, escaped your father."
"I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of escaping, I'm so bloody tired," she affirmed. "Do you know how much it cost me to act like I was someone else? A total heartless person? I did and said horrible things."
Lucas' gaze was locked on the ceiling. When he eventually turned his head back to look at her, his face was unreadable.
"Well... Actually I do," he said simply, his voice betraying the sadness he was feeling at the thought of it. She grimaced as she realized he was right.
"I always wondered..."
"Yes?"
"What was the deal between you and your father?"
"What do you mean?"
"When I... When I had the concussion. You've been allowed to stay and I never asked you why."
"No, you didn't."
"I didn't want to know but... I'm just curious now."
"Isn't it obvious, Alex?"
"No, it's not."
"You never asked me because you knew. You knew fair well the reason why I've been allowed to stay here, why I wanted to stay and why I stayed."
"I wished it was for you, for your father…"
"But you know it was for you only. My father would have never allowed me to stay otherwise. And God knows I would have never stayed if it was not for you," he chuckled. "You were the only reason why I could stand to see my father every day, talk to him, listen to him. I would have not survived without you."
"Rubbish, you don't need me to survive."
"I need you to survive here. I need a very good reason to stay here. The fact that I was not able to live here during your… absence is enough proof."
"You say that now, but I'm sure you didn't give him a try."
"No, I did. But I couldn't."
"Maybe with time..."
"Alex, my father and I, we fought a lot. You have no idea how far I've been."
"Not as far as you wanted to before, because obviously he's still alive," she joked lightly, laughing off the situation.
Lucas didn't reply to her comment. Tonight was not about his father and she didn't need to know what happened with his father during her absence.
"I'm sorry for your mother," he claimed.
"You shouldn't," Alexandra said honestly. "She died because of love, it was the perfect death for her."
"I'm sorry for your loss. I am sorry for us."
"Well, sometimes love makes you do stupid things."
"No need to tell me," he chuckled sadly.
There was always that one special person in a lifetime that no matter what they do to you, you just couldn't let them go. That was exactly what Lucas was to her, he was everything. He meant so much to her that it was hurting her to know she had to stay away from him.
"What did you say before you… grabbed that knife?" Lucas asked eventually after a long moment of silence.
"I said nothing."
"I saw you murmuring something."
"I don't remember," she lied, her hand reaching instinctively to her throat.
"It's okay if you don't want to tell me."
"No I... I don't remember I said something."
"You don't have to tell me, but please, don't lie to me." She looked at him and his eyes were begging her to stay honest with him.
"I said… I said forgive me."
"Forgive me? Forgive you for what?"
"I'm not really sure."
Lucas didn't insist more, seeing how painful it was for her to remind it.
"I know I asked you too much. A lot more than I should have asked you."
"No, it's not true. It's… okay, I'm okay."
"I would have never forgiven myself if I had killed your light."
"You're all forgiven. For everything you've done. It's just how life is. You know, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad."
"Nothing good ever stays with me. Absolutely nothing."
"Don't say that. I'm with you," she swore, putting her hand on his bruised one. "I stay with you." She shouldn't promise him things she knew she couldn't keep, but she needed him to know he was a good person, someone valuable, someone that had to believe in himself.
Lucas glanced at his hand, clamped in hers. He slowly let his fingers go between her fingers, the contact of their skin giving him goose bumps. Lucas didn't want to push her too hard and had to control himself to not jump on her right now. "One step after another," he told himself.
"I learnt something that day. We can't save everyone. We have to make choices. I should have chosen you."
Alexandra pressed her lips together, not commenting on his statement. What could she say? Telling him he should have saved her wouldn't help, would it? She couldn't blame him for what happened to her, it would not be fair. She didn't move, allowing him to be closer, well aware of how much he needed it and, strangely, how much she needed it too.
"What's that countdown on your watch?"
Alexandra was not surprised Lucas eventually noticed it. He had always been a precise person. And now, with her right hand in his, he was right in front of it.
"It´s the time I spent here," she replied simply. "Almost 3 days," she pointed out, taking her hand back to look at the watch.
Lucas didn't ask why she was counting the days since she arrived, even if he really wanted to know. He had to play nice tonight. Since the beginning of their little trip to the Eye, nothing wrong had happened and he liked it to stay that way.
"3 days only. I've the feeling it's a lot more."
"Me too," she exhaled slowly.
They both stayed silent again, lost in their own thoughts.
"I lied to you," Alexandra told him, breaking their reveries.
"Really?"
"Yeah, really." Her fingers were playing with the hem of her shirt absentmindedly, her mind focused on her thoughts.
"How did that stay unnoticed?" He chuckled.
"Just because you didn't have time to remark it," she replied with a strained smile.
"About what?"
"About Skye… About what happened between you two."
Lucas stayed silent, waiting for her to continue.
"I lied to you when I said that I couldn't forgive you. Because I forgave you. Actually, if I'm really honest, I had already forgiven you when I came back from the Badlands. But I wanted you to pay for what you've done to me. I guess, I just wanted you to suffer like I suffered. I also wanted you to fight for me. But then… We both know what happened then."
"I would have won you back, you know? I would have done everything to make you forget my mistake, to win your trust back."
"The truth is… I don't care about what happened between you two. I don't care that you kissed her. I don't care she kissed you. I don't care because I believed you when you said it was nothing. I believed you when you said that I was the only one that mattered. I believed you when you said that you loved me. And I believe you when you're saying that you still love me. Actually, I always believed you. I always trusted you and I still do. And that's the problem. With what happened, I can't, we can't be together. We've been through too much. You're my weakness, Lucas. I can't help but trust you and it drove me to the darkest side of me. I need to stay away from you."
The fact that they were talking to each other without looking at each other was helping them. They felt free to say whatever they wanted to.
"I also have something to tell you," Lucas said, breaking the silence that had installed again. "I've not been totally honest with you. After my mother was killed, something inside me changed. It was like I built up a wall inside me. I don't know, I guess I just didn't want to be hurt like that again. But it ended up helping me to avoid pain but also love. Only after what happened last year, I realized I would not be able to be the kind of person that I wanted to be, unless I accepted the fact that I loved you too much to lose you, that I loved you too much to not tell you I needed you."
"Lucas…" She winced.
"I'm really sorry. I know you wanted a guy to trust and I wanted to be that person so badly. And I let you down in a lot of ways. You were the foundations of our relationship. I always thought you would be there. It was not fair to think like that. And... It's good that you're mad at me. You have every right to be mad at me. You deserve a guy who's good and who doesn't lie to you. There are good guys out there who aren't assholes like me."
"You're not an asshole, you're just… an arrogant genius," she chuckled lightly.
"I won't hurt you anymore. I can't. I don't want you to lose the life's wonder that's left in you. But I don't want my touch to be like strangers to you. I've been a stranger ever since we fell apart and I can't stand seeing you that detached from me. I can't feel anymore. My love is trapped in your heart. Without you I'm lost, crushed, cold and confused, with no guiding light left inside. You were my guiding light Alex. When I need comfort and warmth it's you that I'm looking for. I need you in my life Alex, even if it means we have to stay friends."
His confession was too much for her. How could she stay away from him when he was clearly begging her to stay with him? When he was opening his heart to her? She needed to be honest with him, at least on a few things.
"I miss the talks we used to have, I miss the voice I used to hear... I miss hearing your crazy but cool stories, and above all these... I just miss you… I want us to be friends again."
"So, are we friends now?"
"Yes, we are," she smiled.
"Good," he grinned broadly.
"I appreciate it."
"What?"
"You. Being my friend again. I know it's not what you wanted but I'm happy you changed your mind."
Lucas didn't reply, not wanting to lie to her. Because if he was honest with her, he would tell her that being her friend was just the first step of his plan to win her back.
They spent the rest of the night listening to music Alexandra liked. She had a lot of fun asking The Eye about songs she knew. It was not Lucas's type of music, he wasn't even sure he had one, but it didn't matter. He was with her, and he loved to see her happy.
Alexandra laughed a lot that night. She really enjoyed her time with Lucas, above all now they had made peace and talked freely. He could be so generous. At the same time, she had felt sad. It had reminded her how much she had missed him, how much she was addicted to him, why she was not with him anymore and above all, why she had to stay away from him, to protect him.
Alexandra eventually fell asleep next to Lucas, feeling safe and peaceful. As she was only wearing a pair of shorts and a tank top, and that The Eye was underground, the cold temperature made her shiver quite a lot. It reminded Lucas of the first night he had slept with her at the falls. And like that night, he couldn't stand to see her quivering. But this time, he didn't hesitate coming closer and taking her in his arms. She mumbled something that Lucas translated as a, thank you, mixed with a, it's better warm.
Hours later, when Lucas noticed it was already 5 in the morning, he knew he had to wake her up, even if he didn't want to. They were supposed to work in less than three hours. He knew Alexandra enough to be sure she'd like to have a shower before they go back to work. He took the less courage he had left and shook her shoulders lightly.
"Alex," he whispered. She groaned in response. "Alex," he insisted.
Instead of waking up, she moaned and turned to bury her head against his chest. That was too much for him and suddenly all of his resolve was gone. He tightened his embrace to pull her even closer. It was so pleasurable to have her in his arms, to feel her, to smell her, to touch her.
Two hours later, she started jigging in her sleep, slowly waking up.
"Morning sleeper," Lucas said in a husky voice.
"Morning," she murmured, keeping her eyes shut.
"It's time to wake up."
This scene seemed so familiar and heartwarming to Alexandra that a faint smile started to spread over her face. This warmth, this smell, this voice… Oh, oh. She opened her eyes quickly. It took her time to remember where she was and who she was with.
"What time is it?" She asked eagerly as she sat up quickly, moving away from him.
"It's 7."
"You let me fall asleep?" She asked, stunned.
"You looked so peaceful…"
"I should go home," she cut him off, standing up.
"I'll walk you," he said in a no negotiating tone.
He walked her home, the air already warm outside. Alexandra felt a little bit disturbed, having Lucas so close to her had awaken some intense sensations.
"I think it's okay if you're not at the lab this morning," he told her. "You should sleep. You still look tired."
"Are you giving me my morning, Sir?" She asked, amused.
"Yes," he grinned broadly. "I give you some time off to sleep."
Lucas appeared to lean in for a kiss at one stage, which he planted modestly on her forehead. He gave her a cheeky smile and turned to leave her.
"Lucas?"
"Yes?"
"I..." She stepped closer to him, struggling to put in words what she wanted to tell him. His sparkling green eyes staring at her were not helping her to think straight. "I just wanted you to know that... That no matter what happen in the future, we are okay."
His eyes narrowed suspiciously on her, making her uncomfortable, almost regretting the urge she had had to be honest with him."I mean... If we have to be separated again, for one reason or another, I want you to know that we're even."
"Why are you saying that?" Lucas didn't like her insinuation about their possible separation. Why was she talking like she was saying good bye?
"I just want you to know it. That I forgive you, for everything. That we are okay. 'Cause we are okay, right?"
"Yes, we are."
"Good," she smiled, before giving him a quick hug and planting a chaste kiss on his cheek. "I better go to sleep."
Lucas was happy, because for the first time since she was back, she had willingly come to him. It was the first step to something else. Who would have thought that his father could be right one day?
"Be patient and give her some time and some space, and she'll come back to you," his father had said.
Lucas had not been able to give her some space, but he was strongly fighting with himself to give her some time. Being patient was not his normal behavior, but it was something easier when she was around. And actually, it had always been. She knew how to calm him down, just like his mother used to be.
Lucas recomposed his puzzled face and his bragging attitude returned in a second.
"Do you need me to stay with you?" He drawled. "Just in case you need my heat again."
"I'm gonna survive," she chuckled, before going inside her house.
Alexandra missed his warmth already but couldn't tell him that. It would not be fair. She had to keep to her plan, even if she felt horrible. She hated the situation, she hated not being honest with Lucas, above all after the night they had just spent. But it wouldn't help, would it? Could she be wrong? If Lucas knew the truth, it would be worse. He would act stupidly, she was sure of it. No, she had to stick to her plan, the one she had decided to follow before her feelings started disturbing her.
A whole Lucas/Alex's chapter! And a big one! The biggest chapter ever written! Did you like it?
Can they just stay friends? Doesn't sound possible, does it? We'll find out soon! Only twelve chapters left before the end of this story!
Author Note : I must thank Veronica Mars and Logan Echolls for inspiring me for the "epic" part!
