Truth
Hunger woke Lucas up early. He slowly got out of Alexandra's embrace and went to the kitchen, ready to prepare them a real breakfast. While he was cooking food he knew Alexandra would be able to digest, he let his mind wander back to last night. It had been perfect, except when she had tried to run away. He was not stupid, he knew she had tried to flee. She had been nice to just obey and stay. But she was running away from him, he could see it.
Surely, her disease was the main reason why she felt the need to escape all the time. Also, they had not talked about it. They had enjoyed the moment and avoided the inevitable. They would have to talk, Lucas knew it. He had just tried to put off the discussion. And he was well aware that she had not tried to bring the subject up either. It was really hard for him to read her mind. He had no idea what was going on in her head. It was not like her to act like that. A shrill cry coming from the bedroom stopped Lucas dead in his train of thought.
"Nooooo! Nooooo!" Lucas heard Alexandra scream. Her voice was horribly filled with pain and terror. It was as if someone was torturing her. Lucas hurried up to the bedroom and put his hands on her shoulders, shaking her gently to wake her up.
"Alex! Alex, wake up!" he whispered.
"Don't do it, don't do it! Please, I'm begging you, don't do it. I'd do whatever you want, please…" She stammered in tears, still asleep. Lucas shook her harder, calling her name louder to wake her up. Her eyes shot open, wide in fear, lost between her nightmare and reality. She murmured inaudible things and he held her face with his hands, forcing her to gaze at him. She looked at him with anguish and her eyes went slowly back to normal as she realized where she was and who was with her.
"Alex?" He whispered again tenderly.
She let escape a sob and fell into his chest, crying. He instinctively wrapped his arms around her protectively. She did the same in response, hugging him, searching for comfort, as if he was the only protection from what was haunting her.
"It's okay. I'm here. You're safe with me. I'm here," he reassured her. It was breaking his heart to hear her making those choking sounds of distress. She eventually stopped crying and her sobs ended in tears running silently down her cheeks. She didn't move away from him and he would certainly not be the one to break their embrace either. "Do you want to tell me what's frightening you so much?" He felt her shake her head in his chest. "Maybe later then. You need to go back to sleep," he said, leaning her back to bed. But she clutched to his body.
"Stay with me," she murmured in a croaky voice. "Please," she begged, her wet eyes looking back at him for the first time.
"I'm not going anywhere," he said firmly.
"Promise?"
"Promise," he said, kissing her forehead softly.
Lucas lifted the sheets and slid under. He wrapped her in his arms and they soon both fell back asleep. Lucas was supposed to go to work but he didn't care. She was much more important than anything else.
When they eventually woke up again, it was noon already. Lucas heat up the food he had prepared for their breakfast and they ate tranquilly until every trace of food disappear. Lucas insisted for Alexandra to have a proper breakfast and she forced herself to eat to please him. At the end, Lucas let himself fall on the sofa, his stomach full of food.
"Can I come with you?" She tried to ask lightly, but concern was audible in her tone. Lucas smiled and opened his arms to welcome her. She let out a breath of relief, which was ridiculous. Of course Lucas would not leave her alone. He had promised. But she was still afraid sometimes that he would stop doing it. That he would stop loving her, realizing how insignificant she was.
And maybe she had to admit she was afraid to lose him and she didn't want to be fooled again, being so sure what his reactions would be whereas in the past he had acted totally different from what she had expected him to. In fact, she just didn't want to get hurt again, neither to hurt him. Once his embrace was open, Alexandra came right into it. He wrapped his arms around her waist, and her arms came folded upon his chest. He pulled her in tightly like he had after her nightmare. That was at that precise moment when Lucas decided that he would never withdraw any affection she needed from him.
"Don't worry, I will never leave you alone," Lucas reassured her as if he had read her mind.
"We stay together?" She asked him, needing him to prove it again even if she knew what his answer would be and what the reality would be. She needed him to reassure her, even if it meant lying to her.
"Always." Lucas swore, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. He felt Alexandra smiled against his chest and it made him smile.
"It's always the same dream," she suddenly blurted out after a few minutes of silence. Lucas' smile faltered and he stopped daydreaming, turning his full attention on Alexandra. "It plays in my head again and again every night since I've arrived."
"What happens?"
"My father happens," she sighed. "He comes for me. He destroys everything, kills everyone I love and then… Then there is only you left. I beg him not to kill you. I beg him to forgive me. I beg him to take my life instead of yours. And all he does is laughing evilly. He says that I need to understand how stupid I've been to underestimate him, that I need to pay for the mistakes I've made. He reminds me who's in charge and then he kills you…" Her eyes started to prickle at the thought of the scene she knew by heart now. Him looking at her, then her falling down, his beautiful green eyes suddenly lifeless. She had to fight the tears that were threatening to come. "Then he leaves me alone to think about what I've done. To think about the consequences of my actions. I stay here, alone, abandoned here to die. I'm alive but I'm dead inside. I'm just a lost soul wandering in pain. I try to kill myself but I can't…
"This is not going to happen," Lucas reassured her, tightening his embrace as if it would protect her more.
"How do you know?"
"I won't let that happen," he swore firmly.
"My father was right."
"About what?"
"My heart is my weakness. My will to protect the ones I love is gonna make them dead."
"Don't say that."
"It's true. I shouldn't be here."
"You stayed away from me to protect me, to keep me safe. But you were wrong. Like I was when I decided to leave you alone, not telling you our plan for your parents. There's only one way to protect each other. And it's by being together. We can only be safe when we are together. Because how can we defend each other if we are not together?"
"You can't protect me from this." She retorted before getting out of his embrace and standing up. Lucas mimicked her and stood up quickly, reaching for her.
"There are few things I won't tolerate," he warned her.
"Like what?"
"Like messing up your life."
"It's already a mess."
"Why do you have to be so pessimistic? Where's the optimist girl I knew?"
"She died a year ago," she answered dryly.
"I'm worried about you."
"No, you're not. You just feel guilty!"
"You don't know what you're saying," he scolded.
"Don't talk to me like I'm a child. I'm not a child!"
"Then don't act like one!" He hollered, almost scaring her.
"Shut up!" She screamed in response.
"Did you really just tell me to shut up?" He hissed furiously.
"Yes! Yes, I did!" She taunted.
"You're trying to piss me off so I will leave you. No way that's gonna happen," he grumbled. He started to pace the room, trying to calm down.
"You can't choose who lives and who dies!"
"Neither do you!"
"You… You don't understand," she groaned between gritted teeth.
"I'd do anything to make you stay."
"What do you want? What do you want to hear? You want a revelation? Some kind of solution? You want to hear me tell you that everything's gonna be fine? I'm sorry, I won't lie to you!" She screamed angrily.
"Don't do that… Don't give up." He said as calmly as possible.
"You can't get it right! You can't! The only thing you can do is to let me go!"
"No…" He said in a croaky voice. She looked at him and realized he was almost crying.
"Don't you want to please me?" She dared to ask in a sweet tone.
"Please you? Are you kidding?" He replied furiously, his moment of distress replaced by anger in a second.
"I could die happy. I'm almost happy. I know Maddy is fine with Mark. Josh and Skye are back together. Damon is dating Trinity. The only thing I'm not happy with, it's you. You make me unhappy because you cling to me. You don't want to move on. You have to Lucas. Let me go, please! Let me die knowing you're all fine."
"I'm not gonna please you. You're dreaming if you think I will do such a stupid thing."
"You don't have to rescue me. You don't have to be my white knight. Life is made of choices. I have decided what I did. This is the consequence of my own choice, not yours. I told you before, you can't fix this."
"I love you. Isn't it enough for you to understand that I can't move on?" He was fighting to keep his voice steady.
"You will have no choice."
"Alex, I love you!" He insisted.
"Don't!" She snapped flatly.
Lucas was ready to reply when a knock at the door stopped them in their dispute. Alexandra thanked God for this intervention, but quickly regretted it when she saw Mark at the door, his face hard.
"Commander Taylor wants to see you," he said coolly.
"Is there something wrong?"
"I'm not allowed to discuss this with you. You need to follow me."
"Now?"
"Now."
Alexandra started to get worried and was afraid to find out what Taylor wanted to tell her. She turned to see Lucas who was still very upset.
"I need to go," she said blankly.
"Don't think this conversation is over," Lucas warned her before leaving.
It broke her heart into pieces to see him walk outside, furious with her. But maybe it was better that way? She looked at Mark who was staring at his shoes.
"What is it, Mark?"
"Are you ready?" He asked as if she had said nothing. They stared at each other a moment in silence. It really was not like Mark to be so distant. Nothing good was waiting for her at the headquarters, she was now sure of it.
"Yeah," she replied with annoyance, before following him outside.
When Alexandra entered the headquarters, she immediately felt the tension that filled the room. Damon was in the corner of the room, his face dark. Jim was standing next to his wife, who was fidgeting in front of Taylor. It didn't sound good at all.
"You called me?" Alexandra managed to say.
"Miss Paris," Taylor said, his voice tensed. "Dr. Shannon has brought to my attention that you would be ... dying."
Her heart started hammering in her chest at the sound of the word 'dying'. Alexandra could feel all eyes laid on her, making her uncomfortable. She wanted to answer, but her mouth was dry. There was no saliva to swallow, but it would be impossible anyway, her throat was too tight. She stared at Taylor, speechless.
"I take that silence as a yes," Taylor groaned furiously. Alexandra looked at Elisabeth who was obviously sorry to have told her secret. "Dr. Shannon, I can't tolerate someone that important in my colony to lie to me. I need to know I can trust the people who work here. Your action can't stay unpunished. The fact that you came here to tell it to me, in the end, is helping you. I won't fire you. But you won't lead the infirmary anymore."
"What?" Jim intervened. "Taylor!"
"She needs to understand that she is like everyone else in this colony. The rules are the rules!"
Elisabeth didn't say a single word to defend herself. Instead, she was staring at the floor, biting her lips.
"My wife did what every other doctor would have done in such situation!" Jim argued.
"She should have told me!" Taylor replied dryly.
"Stop! Stop it! This isn't her fault! I asked her to keep quiet! I asked her to do it!" Alexandra yelled, stepping between Taylor and Dr. Shannon.
"She should have told me," Taylor said firmly.
"As my doctor and as my friend she couldn't. You know that."
"Don't you see how stupid her decision was!?"
"It was not her decision, it was mine!" She insisted.
"And now what? We have lost time to help you!"
"I don't want to be helped! I am not your priority, I'm not the one to worry about. Your priority is to protect Terra Nova from my father. Your priority is to prepare for the fight that is coming. Your priority is to keep good doctors like Elisabeth in your team!"
"What do you mean?" Damon asked, suddenly reminding his presence to all of them, glaring angrily at Alexandra.
"I mean… I mean," she stammered, shocked by Damon's temper.
"You mean that you have already given up, right? You mean that from the beginning you knew you were going to die and you've chosen to leave us in the dark." His voice was rough and cold. Alexandra had never seen him like that. He was clearly disappointed and hurt.
"I'm due to die. What's the point of losing time trying to save me?" Alexandra blurted out.
"You lied to us," he spat, disgust evident in his voice.
"There is no cure. There is nothing else to do. I accepted Elisabeth's help only to make her feel better." She turned to face Dr. Shannon. "I'm sorry Elisabeth," she confessed sadly, shaking her head. "I knew you would not find a cure. I knew it. You can't reverse the process, it's too late." Alexandra looked back at Taylor, her gaze determined. "I only have a week left or so. There's no need to worry about me. I don't want your pity. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I am what I am and I pay the consequences of my acts, my decisions. I failed stopping my father. Don't make the same mistakes I did," she told them all.
"I'm sorry Alex."
"Do you even know what you're sorry for? You're mad at me because I'm dying!"
"No, I'm mad at you because, once again, you didn't ask for help!"
"What's the point of asking? What would you do? Huh? Be sorry for me? Tell me you wish you could save me? Pity me?" She snapped sarcastically.
"You deserved to be helped! We need you alive!"
"I can't figure out what you all see in me that is worth saving."
"Can't you see that it's not just about you? This is about the colony, about its future, you are part of something bigger than yourself! We need you to be alive for the others," Taylor reminded her.
"You're wrong," she shook her head vigorously.
"You don't see it, that's why people believe in you. You're humble and honest."
"I don't want them to believe me," she said truthfully. "I don't. Why would they?"
"Because your generosity is pure, it makes people trust you."
"I am not the generous person you say I am. I'm not a trustworthy person."
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Your story of perseverance is inspiring them."
"Stop. Stop saying that. Stop using me as a tool of propaganda. I am not an example. People should not take example on me.
"You don't see yourself clearly. Because you touch them in your own way. When you help them with something that you think is normal whereas for them it means a lot. When you smile to them or listen to them. It's something natural with you. They like you. You are part of their lives."
"They have to stop. I've never asked for that. I didn't do it for that. I don't need them and they don't need me. Nobody needs me that much."
"You really don't understand, do you? You're hope! This is what you are for the people here. You survived everything. Having you back here is proving to them that they can do it, they can face it."
"You're ridiculous. How could I be hope? I'm dying! I failed!"
"You're strong. People are impressed by you, they envy your strength."
"I'm not strong. I'm not strong at all. I'm just a coward who always runs away. I take the easiest way or I give up all the time. I don't want to listen to you. This is bullshit. It doesn't make any sense. I never ask for this. I just want to be left alone," she blurted out.
"Alex…"
"This conversation leads nowhere. I won't change my mind. You won't change yours. We can both agree to disagree," she said. "Don't pity me. I don't like it. And don't sermon me neither for that matter, because it won't change anything. And don't blame Dr. Shannon for my own choices, I deserve this," she added.
"Right, you don't want to be saved?" Taylor challenged her.
"No."
"Then you won't! Dr. Shannon, I forbid you to prescribe any medicine to that girl."
"Commander!" Elisabeth argued for the first time.
"No, you already wasted too much medicine on someone who doesn't want to be helped. This masquerade stops now."
"You can't be serious!"
"It's fine," Alexandra snapped. "It's perfectly fine. The Commander is right. No more waste," she said roughly. She could no longer be a part of the conversation that was going on. She couldn't even listen to them. They couldn't understand, no one could. She had made her decision and she had to keep to it. It was better, for all of them.
"Alex…" Dr. Shannon pleaded her.
"Thank you, Elisabeth. Really, I appreciated it. But medicine is rare and you should keep it for people who're worth it," she smiled warmly.
"Alex! Where are you going?" Jim asked eagerly.
"To die in peace… somewhere," she grinned sardonically before leaving.
They all looked at Taylor who didn't try to stop her.
"Taylor, what are you doing?" Jim inquired, bewildered, once she was gone.
"She always does the opposite of what we want her to do. I guess it can't hurt to try a bit of reverse psychology."
"So you tell her to die and she's gonna try to survive?" Damon wondered, perplex.
"It's dangerous," Jim stated.
"It could work," Elisabeth said. "It could help her to not give up. But it still doesn't solve our main problem. She's infected."
"I also got a plan for that," Taylor replied mysteriously.
Feel the music, feel the story
Lucas and Alex's part
"You are the hole in my head. You are the space in my bed. You are the silence in between what I thought and what I said. You are the night time fear. You are the morning when it's clear. When it's over you'll start. You're my head. You're my heart. No light, no light in your bright blue eyes. I never knew daylight could be so violent. A revelation in the light of day. You can't choose what stays and what fades away. And I'd do anything to make you stay. No light, no light. No light. Tell me what you want me to say. Through the crowd, I was crying out and in your place there were a thousand other faces. I was disappearing in plain sight. Heaven help me, I need to make it right. You want a revelation, you wanna get it right. But, it's a conversation, I just can't have tonight. You want a revelation, some kind of resolution. You want a revelation. […] Would you leave me, if I told you what I've done? And would you need me, if I told you what I've become? 'cause it's so easy, to say it to a crowd. But it's so hard, my love, to say it to you out loud." No light, no light - Florence and the Machine
