Explanations
After Taylor's explanations, Damon left the headquarters ready to take his shift, when Dr. Shannon stopped him.
"Damon, you have established a special relationship with her. Talk to her, she'll listen," Dr. Shannon pleaded to him.
"The Commander has been very clear about his plan."
"I know. But just in case, if it doesn't work."
"I do not see why you imagine she'll listen to me. That would be a first."
"Will you try?"
"Yeah, I'll try."
"Thank you."
Damon left Dr. Shannon, wondering how he could convince Alexandra to change her mind but above all, he had to find her. She was really good at playing hide and seek. Fortunately, he knew a good way to know where she was. He made a detour to Malcolm's lab before heading to the back end of the crop's field.
He found her few minutes later, sitting behind some trees, well hidden. Damon walked silently to her and stopped a few meters away.
"Found you," he smiled playfully.
Alexandra jumped in surprise, but didn't turn her head to see who had talked. She knew Damon's voice perfectly.
"How did you find me?"
"Cameras."
She turned her head for the first time and watched him coming in front of her.
"How?"
"Told you," he replied, tilting his head to the side, his eyes narrowing on her.
"Don't you lie to me Damon Keagan," she snapped. "I know I've avoided the cameras."
"I used your tracking device," he answered honestly, a start of a smile spreading on his face.
"My what?" She asked genuinely.
"Your tracking device," he repeated. "I must confess I was quite surprised to see you had not taken it off already."
"What are you talking about?" She frowned.
"Your beacon!" He said, grabbing her right wrist in his hands and turning it to undo the bracelet of her watch. She took her arm out of his hands before he could untie it.
"Let go of me!"
"I'm just showing you," he defended himself, holding his hands in the air in surrender.
"Show me what?" She groaned as she stood up.
"It's inside it."
"What is?"
"The chip."
"Are you kidding me? You plugged me?" She asked, upset, realizing only now what Damon had meant.
"I had no choice at the time. It was to protect you."
"I don't… I don't understand. When did you do that?"
"A year ago."
"No way."
"I did it when we suspected your parents were plotting against us."
"I don't believe you."
"How do you think your dear Lucas found where you were in the jungle?" He sneered, vexed.
Alexandra didn't reply, not knowing what to say. It was true that she had not asked Lucas nor Josh how they had found them. She had other things in mind at the time.
"Wouldn't be the first time I'm disappointed," she mumbled.
"Don't turn it back on you. I am the one who's disappointed. You betrayed me. You lied to me. I never thought you would do that to me."
"And still, here you are, asking for more," she mocked.
"Alex, for God sakes, stop doing that. Stop rejecting me."
"Why are you all trying to piss me off? Why can't you just let me decide what I want to do with the last bits of my life?"
"You want to decide? To make you own decisions? Then stop acting like an idiot and maybe we'll stop treating you like one."
"Go to hell!"
"Why are you so stubborn?"
"You're such a pain," she groaned through gritted teeth.
"Why?" He insisted.
"Because I'm fucking angry with you, with all of you!" She blurted out.
"Why? We did nothing wrong! We're just trying to help you!"
"Don't! Don't try! How many times do I have to tell you that l don't want you to try!" She yelled frantically.
"You need to calm down," Damon said firmly, realizing how fuming she was.
"Why? Why should I? My life is totally out of control!"
"Then let me help you! Why can't you accept my help?"
"Because I'm fucking scared! I'm freaking out, okay? Being upset is the only thing I can deal with right now. I don't want to be sad, I don't want to be optimistic, I don't want to love one last time, I don't want to be loved one last time. I want to be left alone! Leave me alone," she ordered him before walking away quickly.
Damon didn't let her go too far and quickly reached for her arm, spinning her around.
"Do you even want to live?" He shouted forcefully.
"It's not possible! I have accepted it. I have accepted it," she said, pressing on every single word.
"Do you?" He insisted.
"Of course I wanted to live. But what's the point in fighting when you know you're gonna lose in the end anyway? I've accepted my sentence. Just do the same."
"If you're so sure you're gonna die why don't you just put a bullet right to your head?" Damon snarled angrily, disgust evident in his voice. Alexandra had never seen him so upset. He was so furious that it made her speechless. "Answer me, why?"
She looked at her shaky hands, wondering why she had not done it yet. Why? Damon was right. She could have spared everyone's worry if she had ended her life.
"You didn't do it because you still have hope," Damon swore. "It's okay if you're scared. I'm here. We're here to reassure you. There's still hope for you."
"I can't afford to think like that. Hope is gonna kill me. I'd rather face the truth," Alexandra sighed, shaking her head. Damon was fantasizing. Just dreaming she would believe him and change her mind. But she wouldn't, she couldn't. She turned her back to him, avoiding his pleading gaze.
"Hey, I'm talking to you!"
"Yeah, I know. I'm ignoring you."
"I do not want to witness it. I won't stay here and look at you dying slowly under my eyes."
"Everybody makes choices, you gonna have to accept mine."
"I don't know who this is, but this is not you. You would never do that."
"People change, remember?"
"Tell me who will remember the love we have for you, the love I have for you, the love he has for you, once you're dead? Huh?"
She looked at him thoughtfully, pressing her lips, before stepping closer. She slid her hands along his waist, inside his jacket, and placed her body against his, her face against his jaw. He wrapped her in his arms almost immediately and she tightened her embrace.
"Damon, I adore you," she murmured to his ear. "But you're wasting your time." She felt his body tensed. He grabbed her shoulders and pushed her away to see her face was serious. She gave him a small smile and walked away, leaving him speechless.
Alexandra headed straight to her house, seeking for a shelter. She was almost there when she bumped into Maddy.
"Hi Maddy!" She greeted her with a warm smile.
"Is it true?" Maddy asked bluntly.
"What is?"
"Are your days alive limited?"
Alexandra's smile vanished at her question.
"Maddy, I..."
"No! I can't believe you did this! You should have told me. I'm your friend! You said I was like a sister to you. You lied to me! How dare you?"
"But, I…"
"What? You didn't find the good moment to tell me? I'm so… so… so angry with you! How can you be so stupid?"
"Why are you all scolding me? You're supposed to be my friends!"
"Because you're stupid!" She silenced her. "And that is what friends are there for. To remind you when you act like a dumb person! And all the speeches you told me about love and friendship were they true? Or was it just a lie? You're such a good liar after all, aren't you? I can't believe I've been so stupid! Letting you come into my life, my family, sharing secrets, sharing time… We were friends Alex! I cared for you, I spent months crying for my missing friend, I can't believe it, I can't believe you did this to me! I'd have never thought you would disappoint me the way you did."
Alexandra stood motionless, unable to respond to all the accusations from Maddy. Her friend, that she considered like her sister, was disappointed. So disappointed that she regretted having known her. Alexandra felt her throat tighten gradually as Maddy accelerated her rate of speech. Maddy was furious and, like for Damon earlier, it was the first time Alexandra had seen her so upset.
"You say nothing? Great. Alex, you've been a detestable friend. If you change your mind and want to come back as the girl I knew a year ago, then you're welcome. Otherwise, don't bother talking to me. Ever."
On that last note, Maddy left her. She quickened her pace as she felt tears coming. She had hated to talking to her best friend like she had, but she knew it was to help her. When Taylor had asked her to go and talk to her 'freely', she had not thought she would say such horrible things.
What was troubling her the most was that she really meant some of them and it was hurting her a lot. She was deeply hurt to know her friend was dying and she had not told it to her. She was also very angry that Alexandra didn't want to be helped. It was not like her to give up. Maddy hoped Taylor's plan was going to work; she really wanted it to work. To find true love was rare. But to find a true best friend you could always rely on was rarer. She definitely wanted her best friend to come back to reason.
Alexandra stayed a moment in silence, standing in the middle of the alley, lost in her thoughts. The laughing of kids playing few meters away brought her back to reality. She took a deep breath and headed back to her house. When she arrived at home, she found Lucas waiting for her in the kitchen.
"You and I need to talk," he said firmly, and this time, Alexandra knew there was no possible escape to avoid this conversation.
"Lucas… I don't want to fight with you. Not now, please."
"I need to know more about how you've been infected, about your life there."
Alexandra was surprised by his request. She expected him to try to convince her to change her mind, like the others.
"What for?"
"To find a cure."
"Lucas, there's no cure…" She sighed. For an instant, she had thought he was different, but he just was like the others.
"Let me try, would you?"
Alexandra sighed silently and looked away. Was it a problem to let him try? If it was helping him to deal with her death, was it such a big sacrifice to tell him? But then, if he was trying, it meant that he had hope. And that was something Alexandra couldn't handle. She couldn't live on people's expectation when she already knew she would deceive them.
Lucas approached her slowly and put his hands on her waist, bringing her against him.
"Alex, sweetheart, I need to know," he pleaded her softly.
She shut her eyes and put her forehead on his chest. His closeness made her melt into his embrace. Lucas was the only one who could make her react that way. It was harder to fight with him, it had always been.
"Okay," she murmured.
Lucas ran his hands up to her face and tilted it up to him.
"Thank you," he said before kissing her gently.
"What do you want to know?" She asked as she stepped out of his embrace and sat behind the table.
"Start with the beginning," he answered as he sat in front of her, giving her the space she obviously needed.
"You know the beginning. Let's go straight to the point where I've been poisoned."
"No, tell me about before. When did you start plotting against your father?"
"Something like 6 months ago…"
"Why? What happened?"
"Do we really have to talk about this?"
"Everything is important."
"I don't remember very well," she lied.
"Alex, do you remember that I know you've got an incredible memory?" He scolded her.
Alexandra didn't want to remember that part of her past. Her hands became moist and began to tremble. She rubbed them on her trousers in stress. Her heart started racing in her ribcage as every memory she had buried to the back of her head were resurfacing like an uncontrollable wave. All of a sudden she felt dizzy and the room seemed to spin around her.
Her face became pale and Lucas ran quickly around the table to catch her before she could collapse on the floor.
"Alex! Alex, hey!" He called her, gently slapping her cheeks with the back of his hand.
"I'm… I'm okay."
"No, you're not!"
"I need some water," she mumbled.
Lucas took her in his arms, carried her across the room and placed her on the sofa. He went back to the kitchen and grabbed a glass that he filled with cold water. He came back to the living room and sat next to her. While she was slowly sipping the water, his hand was pushing some strands of hair that were stuck to her sweaty forehead.
"Better?"
"Yeah."
"Maybe I should call Elisabeth," he told himself.
"No! I'm fine. I swear, I am."
He looked at her, not believing her. Yet, he did nothing.
"You know that you still have to tell me," he added after a moment.
"Are you sure you want to know?" She asked in a faint voice.
"I'm sure."
"It's not… like me. I did horrible things."
"Nothing you did, or do, will make me love you less," he reassured her.
She swallowed with difficulty and took a deep breathing.
"I've been the shadow of myself the first month I spent with my father. Then I convinced myself that maybe, my father was right. Maybe I was just like him. I hid myself behind an armor. I hid my feelings, my heart, my soul… I threw it all away. I became someone else. I became my father's best element. He was really proud. Me, I was totally insensitive. Like I was under drugs. 6 months ago, I was really wondering what to do with myself. My life was a lie, every action I made was a lie, and every word I said was a lie, I… I was a lie."
"What happened?"
"I had started drinking, to forget. Forget everything I knew, everything I did, everything."
"Alcohol, huh? Sounds like something I can comprehend," he smiled sadly.
"I was drunk all the time, but it was not enough. It was acting like an energizer. I was better than ever! My mind was working faster, I was learning faster, everything was easier. I couldn't stop."
"But you did stop eventually, didn't you?"
"Eventually, yes."
"What made you?"
"I killed a man in cold blood, just to prove to my father I was on his side," she confessed, remorse evident in her voice.
"I'm sure you had no other choice," he stated, pressing his hand around hers, supporting her.
"Lame reason," she shook her head in despair. "I was just too weak to fight my father. I tortured for my father. I tortured men, even women. I spied for him. I made researches. But that, killing that man, it was the straw that broke the camel's back."
"It was to save your life."
"And what made my life better than his? Maybe he had a wife. Maybe he had kids. I killed a husband, a father; just to prove something I was not!"
"Alex, you made a decision that saved your life, don't regret it."
"It's not that easy. I know I can kill to save my life if I'm in danger. I can kill to protect the people I love. But this… I killed a man. I looked at him, he begged me to spare him, and I shot him!"
"What did you do after that?" Lucas inquired, avoiding her last comment.
"I broke my wrist," she chuckled, rubbing it at the memory of what she had done. "Then I drank. Like a lot of drinking… And that night, I…" She didn't finish her sentence. Her gaze was focused on the carpet, like her mind was gone somewhere else.
"You?"
"You're gonna think I'm crazy…" She grimaced.
"I won't."
"I saw you. You were there. I mean, really there, physically there. You were in front of me, staring at me. And you were looking at me like you were looking at something horrible… I lost it. It was just too much. It was too disturbing. I thought I was becoming mad. That you were kinda haunting me."
Lucas seemed to ponder her revelation for a moment, while Alexandra was biting her lip in stress.
"It's ridiculous, isn't it?"
"No, it's not. I thought I heard your voice many times during the last year."
"I was so distressed… That day, that precise day when I saw you, I lost my mind. I was so tired. I was so fed up. I wanted it to end. I was really determined to end all of this," her voice broke into a whisper as she felt sobs coming. Lucas stayed silent, but inside, a knot had formed inside his stomach. "Anyway… before I could do anything, coming out of nowhere, Sean appeared."
"Sean?" Lucas asked, a hint of jealousy perceptible in his voice.
"Sean is one of my father's engineers. He's an ass," she grinned broadly. "Honestly, he's just… Well, just like you."
"Nice," he grimaced.
"No offense, really! I mean, he was bragging all the time. He clearly despised me. And I made it clear that I hated him too. He was arrogant, cocky and all. But in the end, he was funny. Tough outside, soft inside. Just like you," she smiled lovingly, putting her finger on his chest.
"So what did he do that was so impressive?" He inquired, trying to look detached.
"I was totally drunk and I was on the edge of doing something really stupid," she confessed. She looked at him ashamed, realizing how somber his face had become.
"Dying is never a solution," he groaned. "Being dead won't help anyone. Even less, you."
"When you're so deep in your sorrow, you don't care about the others," she replied coolly.
"So, he arrived on time, and then?" Lucas brought back the discussion on her story, not wanting to discuss how stupid she had been. He couldn't comprehend people who wanted to end their life. Even if he understood how desperate Alexandra had been at the time, he was just sure he could never do such a stupid thing.
"He came to me. I don't know why, why he came when I needed someone. But there he was. He said things. He talked honestly to me, without reason. He used the good words, the ones I needed, the ones that made sense. And I chose to believe him. It was strange, the way he talked, the way he confessed me all of those things. Actually, you know what? It reminds me of you, of that night at the falls when you told me everything about your mother, your father and all. I don't know why, I can't explain it. I just felt it that way, I trusted him. It felt right. He gave me strength. Strength to carry on, strength to live, strength to fight."
"He saved you," Lucas murmured, his piercing eyes staring at her.
"He saved me," she confirmed, looking intensely at him too.
Lucas had the feeling she was not telling him the entire story. The fact that she was not explaining more about Sean was proof of it. Anyway, he needed to focus on the rest of the elements.
"Then, you decided to fight, right?"
"Yeah."
"How?"
"Sean is a great scientist, but above all, a super nerd, the best highjacker ever. He created a virus that could destroy the portal on its first use. With the nuclear war threatening us, we had to be quick. We decided to destroy every portal once they were sold. To succeed, I needed to break into the new owner's property and plug a key inside the portal. It was easy, honestly. First, the Chinese. Then the Africans, the Germans, the Americans, and the French. The first problem I encountered was with the Russians. I entered their factory and high jacked the portal, the usual routine. Everything seemed to go fine, but when I tried to get out, there were some soldiers waiting for me. I fought with them, but I was quickly outnumbered. I have a vague memory of feeling something stitching me in the neck, then nothing. I woke up one day later in the desert, left to rot of dehydration. I made my way to a dome and called for reinforcement. Fortunately, Sean had sent few guys to look for me. So they pick me up and brought me back before my father could see anything. I was alright, except the dehydration, I was fine. It was only few weeks later that I started to feel sick. Sean was worried, so he made some researches. That's when I learnt that this factory was suspected to be a shelter for biological weapons."
"You're infected for how long?"
"43 days."
"What is… How long before…"
"Before I die?"
"How long has anyone held the longest?"
"For what I know, 52 days."
"Okay, there's still plenty of time," he tried to reassure her as much as himself.
"This person was dead before his heart stopped. On the 49th day, he lost his mind. And before that, he was in so much pain, he nearly shot himself to stop the ache."
"It won't happen to you."
"Will you shoot me before? Before it's too late. Before I become a vegetable?"
Lucas didn't answer, shaking his head from side to side. He had never imagined that Alexandra could flee or hide things from him. Or at least, not as good as she did, and not for such a long time. A day would come when he would understand her again. But today, he couldn't. He didn't want to.
"Maybe you won't have to do it anyway…" She mumbled.
"What happened with the Japanese?"
"I already had symptoms when I broke into their hangar to pirate the portal. Unfortunately, I had a crisis of pain and I just couldn't control my members. I was so shaky that I made a mistake and they caught me. You know the rest."
"Yeah," he responded absentmindedly.
"I still don't understand why my father is not here yet. It doesn't make sense. Surely, he has found out I was missing. He should be here already."
"It's strange, indeed," Lucas said thoughtfully.
"It seems like nothing ever goes as it was planned."
"I'm sorry Alex."
"I'm not complaining. Don't be sorry, I'm not."
"Are you serious?" He demanded in a reproachful tone.
"Honestly, what should I be sorry for? Why should I feel guilty? Somehow, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I hurt you. I feel guilty because my father is coming to hurt you. I feel guilty for many reasons. But what I don't feel guilty about, is to keep to my decision. I know I made the good decision. I'm gonna die, I have to accept it, that I can't feel guilty about. It's rational, it's the best decision."
"No, it's not. And I'll prove it to you."
His insistence made her frown.
"And what will happen if you don't?"
"That's not an option," he stated firmly.
Three sharp taps at the door made them quit their silent stare. Lucas sighed loudly and stood up to open the door.
"Mark? Again? Should I be worried to see you around so much?" He joked. But his smile faded when he saw how serious and embarrassed his friend was. "Not a jealous attitude, is it?"
"The Commander wants to see you."
"What does he want?"
"I can't tell you, but you need to come with me."
"Now?" He asked, arching his eyebrows.
"Now."
Lucas came back to Alexandra took her face in his hand before kissing her.
"Wait for me."
Alexandra had a strange feeling of déjà vu when she saw Lucas leaving with Mark in the headquarters' direction. This was the end of something, she could feel it. The future seemed suddenly scarier than before. She needed to free her mind. She needed to forget that fright that was slowly growing up inside her, gnawing her guts. She needed to be stronger than she felt right now. She needed a drink and she needed it now. A minute later, she was leaving the house, heading to Boylan's.
