Hi everyone,
I'm really sorry I haven't update sooner but my beta was very very busy with her studies and exams so it took her a lot of time before reading it… Anyway, here is chapter 71! I hope you'll like it.
Lucas has accepted to take Alex for a ride. What's going to happen during their little trip OTG? Let's find out!
Hold on
When Lucas came back with a vehicle ten minutes later, Alexandra was where she had said she would be and he exhaled a sigh of relief. He helped her get into the rhino and they left the colony.
The whole way, Alexandra kept her eyes shut, smiling, as the sun rays were playing on her face, caressing her skin, warming her up. Lucas glanced at her many times to admire her. Even sick, she was beautiful. Her dark blond hair floating in the wind, reflecting the yellow of the sun, her pale skin looking ever so soft. Lucas was happy and sad at the same time. Why was everything so much harder when love was involved? Why was love making him feel so weak? Lucas thought about the last time he had driven her out. He had thought it was the last time he would ever be able to do it. He could hardly stand this, the knowledge that he would be separated again from her soon, perhaps forever. No, he wouldn't tolerate it. He would not let that happen.
"We're here," Lucas said, waking Alexandra up from her daydreaming.
She straightened from her seat and looked at what was in front of them.
"Wow, it's beautiful here," she exhaled with a smile.
"It's Palladium Valley."
The place was very bright, the stone reflecting the sun everywhere. It looked like water glistening, surrounded by colored fields.
"This is amazing," she repeated enthusiastically as she stepped out of the car.
Lucas couldn't suppress the grin that appeared on his face at the sight of her happiness. It had been a long time since he had seen her really appreciate something. In those specials moments, her face would always light up, making her eyes shinier than ever.
"Come on," he said as he grabbed her hand and led her to a meadow at the top of the hills.
They walked near the cliff and stopped there so they could admire the place. Alexandra sat between Lucas' legs and let him wrapped her in his muscular arms. They stayed a moment in silence, just enjoying the sun, the calm, each other's presence. Lucas' chin was rested on her neck while her head was tilted to the side, resting on his shoulder.
Alexandra couldn't dream about a better place to be than this one. Free, breathing the flowery air, surrounded by the wild, in her lover's arms. No, she was at the right place with the right person at the right time. If only it could stay like that forever.
After a moment of hesitation, Alexandra took a deep breath and broke the peaceful silence that had installed.
"Lucas…"
"Hmmm…"
"I…" The words didn't seem to want to get out of her mouth. She cleared her throat and started again. "I want you to be happy."
She felt Lucas stiffen behind her and it sent her heart to race.
"I am," he replied, pretending he had not understood what her comment really meant. Alexandra's heart was hammering so much that Lucas could feel it against his own chest.
"I mean… after."
"Alex, you'll make me happy in time."
"Lucas… Stop doing that please," she complained.
"Never," he smiled lightly. "Listen, I let you see the parts of me that weren't pretty and you fixed them. Now it's my turn. Give me some time to find a way to save you. Until then, keep it up, I know you can."
This time, it was Lucas who felt her froze in his arms.
"Stop lying to yourself, please."
"Did you really ask me to drive you here to talk about this?"
Alexandra didn't reply and in the space of a heartbeat, everything changed. Their peaceful moment transformed into a fight they would have not thought could happen.
"You've changed," Lucas pointed out as he drew back his arms from her and put his hands on the ground behind him. His move created a gap between the two of them and Alexandra felt her back becoming cold.
"Of course I've changed! Excuse me for being a little bit less optimistic than before. When I first met you, the only suffering I had in my life was the loss of my parents!" She replied as she stood up and walked to the cliff, keeping her back turned to him.
"And the rape," Lucas added loudly.
"And the... attack," she grumbled.
"And your parents' habit to use you as a weapon," he completed sardonically.
"And my…" This time, her voice trailed off. She knew Lucas was playing hard with her to make her react. "Still, it's nothing compare to what I've been through since I arrived here, in this jungle, in this world. I can try to be as funny as before, I can try to smile as much as before, I can try to be as gentle as before, I can try to love... But I can't be as naive as before, sorry. You can't ask me that."
Alexandra wanted so badly to be the woman she was before, but innocence was gone and what used to be right seemed wrong.
"I'm not asking you to be naïve!" Lucas snapped as he jumped on his feet and walked in front of her. "I'm asking you to fight."
"Lucas, I can't!"
"Yes, you can!"
"No! You're acting like it's my fault, like I wanted all of this to happen. It´s not my fault!"
"Because you didn't let me the choice! You have decided alone! Once again you just thought about yourself!"
"Lucas!"
"No! Have you even thought about me? It was supposed to be just the two of us. I lost you twice, I won't lose you thrice!"
"Who's the one responsible for these separations?" She answered coldly.
Lucas' face darkened and his stare ended up turning to a glare. Alexandra didn't want to hurt him but he was so stubborn that it annoyed her too much.
"You know, I've noticed something about you, Alex. You have a tendency to disappear. Consequently, I spent a lot of time looking for you. Like, a lot... of time."
"I didn't want you to be involved," she tried to defend herself.
"So what? You couldn't tell me?"
"I didn't want… I didn't want to put you in more trouble."
"Lame answer."
"It's the truth."
"No, it's not. The truth is you knew I would be there for you. You knew you could count on me and you preferred once again to go through it alone."
"I can feel it in my bones, straight from inside. It's eating me, burning my flesh, chewing my organs, nibbling my brain… I'm losing myself. I want it to stop."
"It will stop the day I save you."
"Do you know what it means to truly believe you're doing something to protect the others? To really believe what you're doing is the right thing to do?"
"My mother chose to spare my life, giving hers. It didn't help. It didn't protect me. All that happened was that I ended up alone. I won't let you do that."
"You should be grateful your mother did what she did. She saved your lives, she saved both of you. She sacrificed herself to protect the ones she loved."
"And you think this is what you're doing now?" He asked, his voice harsh. "You're protecting me? Us?"
Alexandra didn't know if she had the answer to this question. Maybe she had the feeling it was what she was doing, but it didn't seem right to say it aloud. She just wanted the one she loved to not worry about her.
"Worrying for me is a waste of time. It's disturbing you from preparing your defense against my father's future attack."
"I thought you wanted this trip to have some fresh air, to lighten your mood."
"I just wanted to be alone with you. I just thought we could spend some quality time together before… I mean it could be a good memory."
Lucas held his free hand to her cheek, his thumb skimming across her skin. She leaned into his touch, looking up at his face. He was struggling with something that Alexandra couldn't define. She stared at him as his eyes were off somewhere beyond her.
Thinking about Alexandra leaving him was too painful. Lucas knew it would be a thousand times worse if it actually happened. Alexandra had really changed him. He couldn't even fathom her absence in his life anymore.
"It could end here you know," she said in a murmur.
Lucas didn't have to ask her what she was talking about. He had understood what she was expecting him to do the minute they had left the colony. She wanted to die and she wanted Lucas to help her. She wanted to have a sweet death and she wanted Lucas to do it. For the first time, Lucas was depressed to be right. He would have liked his theory to be wrong. He would have liked to realize he was wrong about her and that she really meant it when she said she wanted to have a private moment with him.
"Alex…" He sighed. "We've already discussed it, haven't we?" His tone was back to gentle but hurt was audible in his voice. How could she be so hopeless? He was beginning to think he was helpless.
"I don't want to end up dying in a bed at the infirmary," she whined.
"You won't."
She pressed her lips together in frustration. She wanted him so much to understand that her death was inevitable.
"Listen," Lucas said, taking her hands in his. "I love you so much Alex. My life would be nothing without you. I am nothing without you. My life stopped the day my mother died. Meeting you was like rebirth. I want you to be strong. I want you to live. It's all that I want. You. Alive."
Lucas watched her carefully as he said it. She seemed distant and Lucas wondered if she even had listened to him. He could see how determined she looked.
Alexandra was struggling inside. Lucas' stubbornness was much less endearing now than it used to be. Why couldn't he just let her die in peace? Deep down, she knew why. She would say and do the same to convince him if he was in her place. But he wasn't.
Lucas picked up a blue violet flower and held it to Alexandra.
"Thanks," she told him emotionlessly, staring at the petals. Then she looked up at him and Lucas didn't like what he saw: a quiet determination in them. Her eyes still reflected her strength but not her self-preservation look. The same kind of eyes she had before cutting her throat a year ago.
"You're still thinking about it, aren't you?" He asked her, a flint of madness betraying his anger. She didn't hold his gaze and dread overflowed him. How could he save someone who didn't want to be saved? Of the many contradictions that existed in the world, the contrast between love and hate was perhaps the starkest. He loved her so much, but she was making him hate her just as much. He was only feeling fear now, waiting for her answer.
"Alex?"
Her resolute eyes were enough as an answer. Lucas walked away, unable to hold her gaze anymore. He paced from side to side and then stopped, anger overwhelming him.
"If you really were concerned about me, if you really wanted to do what's right for me, you would live. You would fight for your life, for me. I need you to be alive. Can you understand that?"
"Don't you understand? I can't give it to you! I can't give you what you want, I can't! I want to but I can't!"
"You will. I'm gonna find a solution. Stay alive. It's all I'm asking for."
"It's not something I can promise you. And this is too much to ask you. Too much pressure on your shoulders. I will never ask you to save me."
"But I'm not asking you. Can't you see? I will always want to protect you, to save you. I'm not waiting for you to ask me. I'm not asking you your permission. Don't you want to live? Don't you want to stay with me?"
"Lucas," she suddenly sobbed. "I want so much to stay with you! I want so much to please you. But it hurts too much to hope I can stay with you whereas everything is yelling at me that I'm gonna lose you!"
She fell on the ground and hid her face in her hands, her forehead on her knees. Lucas was startled again by her honesty. He remembered that when he had first met her, he didn't know if he liked it or not. Words were always going through her lips as if it was obvious and it had confused him a lot. And here she was again, surprising him by telling the truth, showing her feelings for him. Yet, he shouldn't be surprised. He would always wait from her to be that honest. Once again, he had been wrong about her. She wanted to be with him but she had said the opposite because she didn't want to hurt him, because she thought she couldn't give it to him. Lucas kneeled in front of her and slowly tilted her head up.
"You're not going to lose me. I promise you."
"People think it is holding on that makes you stronger, but sometimes it's letting go."
"Maybe, but in your case, it's holding on that will prove to us that you're strong."
"Why? Why me?"
"You deserve it, that's all."
"I don't know why I should have another chance. I've already had my second chance."
"Aren't you the one who told me I was wrong about life? That it was not our choices that made our life, but destiny? Maybe life spares you again because she had not finished with you yet. Maybe you're destined to do something else."
"Destined," she chuckled bitterly.
"Do you even want to live?"
"I spent the last weeks accepting my death. Now I have accepted it, you want me to have faith? You want me to have hope? It´s fate. I was supposed to die. I should have died last time."
"Stop saying that kind of stupid thing. Can't you see how silly you are?"
"You're the idiot here. Why can't you understand a simple thing as this? What's wrong with you?"
"Do you want to know what's wrong? What my problem is? I will tell you what my problem is: I LOVE YOU. I love your name, I love the way you look at me, I love the way you make me feel, I love your gorgeous smile, I love the way you walk, I love your beautiful eyes, I love what you look like when you are asleep, I love the sound of your laugh, to hear your voice fills my entire heart with an indescribable feeling. I love the way I can be having the worst day of my life and seeing you completely changes my mood. I love how when you touch me I get weak, that is my problem... My problem is that you are trying to take that away from me. My problem is that I don't want it to stop and you keep trying to make it stop."
"What do you want me to do, Lucas?" She asked helplessly.
"I want you to fight. I want you to fight, for me, for us."
"I… I can't, I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt you. I wish I could explain so you could understand my vision of this situation. But I can't do better and I know my reasons are not good enough for you. I have the feeling that I need to justify myself, to justify my decision to everyone all the time, but I shouldn't. You should accompany me to the end, not fight with me until the end."
He had thought that the love he had for her and the support he gave her would suffice. Their love, that seemed indestructible yesterday, now seemed doomed. How did that happen?
"You're the reason why I hold on."
"Are you blackmailing me? Like if I don't stay alive you won't?"
"When are you going to understand that people care for you? We want you to stay with us. I want you to stay with me."
"I can't."
"Alex, you won't be a martyr! You won't die for this cause. You're gonna fight for our freedom and live! Live!" Lucas shouted.
"I'm so… lost, Lucas. I had a plan, a simple one. But I've already changed it many times because of you, because of Damon, because of your father, because of… everybody. When I came back here, I swore to myself I would not care for anyone. I swore I would not let anyone become close to me again, so no one would be hurt when they would have lost me and I would not be hurt to lose them again. But then, everyone was so gentle and kind to me, I couldn't… I couldn't keep my promise. But it made everything so much more complicated. Then I thought that maybe it was a second chance for me to say a proper good bye to the ones I love."
"The way I see it, your plan was doomed to fail from the beginning. You wanted to stay away so no one would be hurt, but you didn't count on them to love you that much. You made a decision that was far from selfish, you already cared for them, for us, for me. You don't have to die as a martyr, your life doesn't have to be dramatic. You can get out of it, you can make it stop. Your real life is here, this is the real life. People love you and they're willing to fight for you, to protect you, to save you. Look at how people have reacted to your speech with my father, they care. And don't lie to yourself, you care for them too."
"I don't know where I belong anymore..."
"You belong to me."
When Alexandra was at home, in France, back in 2012, her life was normal, and she liked it that way. Of course, sometimes, she had hoped her life could be more exhilarating or more adventurous, but it had never last for long before life had brought her back to reality. She would have never thought that one day, she would travel through time, meet this strange guy in the jungle and fall in love with him. So much in love, so deep in love, that she had understood what people meant when they said that love made you forget and forgive everything. She had always thought it was just a common theory you would serve to reassure you when you were desperately looking for love. But now, she was certain it was true. It seemed like yesterday when she had been tortured, hurt, broken, and at the same time, it seemed like ages ago. So many things had happened in her life in such a short time, it was almost unbelievable. But in the end, she would always come back to that one man she had first met. The one who had saved her. The one she had saved.
A tear ran down Alexandra's cheek and she smiled sadly at him. His hand was on her cheek in a second, brushing the tear away. She passed her hand tenderly through his hair, pushing a rebellious strand from his forehead.
"I love you," she whispered for the first time since she was back, her eyes sparkling in tears. Lucas looked at her intensely, trying to figure out what she was thinking. Why was she telling him now, only now. He had hoped so much she would say those three words again and now they seemed to arrive too late.
"I love you too," he said, his eyes narrowing on her.
She closed the gap between them and kissed him, pouring every bits of love she had for him in it. Lucas' hand ran behind her head, pulling her even closer, pressing her lips against his intensely.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she confessed as a pearl of sweat ran along her temple.
Lucas looked at her and something triggered in his mind. All of a sudden, Lucas realized he had been wrong. She had not asked him to come here and help her die, alone, peacefully. No, she had asked him to come here so she could die with him. He could see now how in pain she was. She had hidden it from him long enough to make it worst. Her breathing was harsh. Only now, Lucas could see how much she was suffering. She had a little shrill whistle whenever she inhaled or exhaled, making her grimace.
"I'll take you home," he hurried, carrying her quickly in his arms and putting her in the car.
Things are started to fasten a bit for Alex and Lucas. Will Lucas have enough time to save the one he love?
Feel the music, feel the story
Lucas and Alex's part
"This world will never be what I expected. And if I don't belong, who would have guessed it? I will not leave alone everything that I own to make you feel like it's not too late. It's never too late. Even if I say it'll be alright, still I hear you say you want to end your life. Now and again we try to just stay alive. Maybe we'll turn it all around. 'Cause it's not too late. It's never too late. No one will ever see this side reflected and if there's something wrong, who would have guessed it? And I have left alone everything that I own to make you feel like it's not too late. It's never too late.[…] The world we knew won't come back. The time we've lost can't get back. The life we had won't be ours again. This world will never be what I expected." Never too late - Three Days grace
