Chapter 12
Outside, in the chill spring night, Kyminn struggled to regain his equilibrium. The assumption that he was going to Haven had caught him completely off guard, and he had surprised even himself with how strongly and automatically he had rejected the notion.
He realized that his steps were, from habit, taking him to the barn. It was the place he felt most peaceful, most grounded. There was a surety, a calm necessity in cleaning up, in brewing the tinctures and salves. The mundanity had always served to settle him when he was distressed.
Unwillingly, his steps slowed, then, reluctantly, he turned away. Derris was in the barn and he didn't want to deal with the Companion right now. He wasn't up for another argument, or accusation, or trying to explain himself.
Kyminn recognized that on the one hand, he was arguing about where his duty lay, and yet on the other he was rejecting a duty to care for Derris, all in the same breath. It wasn't what he meant to say, but no matter what it said, that's what came out. He felt tangled, confused. He couldn't even sort out his own mind. He certainly didn't want to try to explain it to Derris.
Instead of the barn, he headed for open spaces, following the path of the community pasture, trying to marshal his feelings.
"I know you're there." He said quietly, not looking at the white shape looming from the darkness. "Please. Just…don't".
:Don't go? Or don't stay?: a rich tenor rolled through his mind.
"I…" Kyminn turned, slowly. "Bryann?" It was hard to distinguish the form in the gloom.
:Jareth.: The companion glided up to the fence. Surprising that something so large could move so silently.
"I thought Companions only spoke with their Chosen. Does that mean…?"
Jareth shook his head. :No, you are not my Chosen: He swished his tail, ears cocking forward with curiosity. :You don't want to be Chosen? Why do you dread it so?:
Kyminn fumbled for a moment. "I'm really not sure. I guess I don't want to feel like I have a 'destiny'."
Jareth stretched his nose out and bumped Kyminn's shoulder. :Yet you seem to have a strong sense of duty, of responsibility regarding your Gifts. How is that different? Having a Gift and exercising has shaped your decisions and actions. It's not exactly 'destiny', but it is something you were born with, not something you chose to take on.:
"I don't know, it just is," it was uncertain. "Maybe I want to make sure I have choice, to be able to accommodate duty, but not be…dictated…by it. Does that make sense?"
Jareth swished his tail thoughtfully for several moments. Clearly, he was considering Kyminn's words. :I think so.: The Companion cocked his head and met Kyminn's gaze. :Do you feel that you are being dictated to? Is that why you reject going to Haven?:
Kyminn climbed up onto the fence and settled himself. "Maybe. I'm honestly not sure. I was…caught off guard. It felt like I was being packed up and sent off, that everything had been decided without me."
:Nothing has been decided yet. The village and circle can request, and strongly, but no one can force you to go.:
"I know," he let out a gusty breath. "I guess I already knew that, it was just…surprising."
:Really? You knew that Pell couldn't go. You knew that your mother and grandmother couldn't go. You knew that someone has to go. Are you really so surprised that everyone thought it would be you?:
Kyminn shifted on the fence, but said nothing.
Jareth simply stared at him, waiting.
Finally, "Why are you asking me this?"
:Why am I the one doing the asking? Or why do we want to know the answer?: Jareth was maddeningly reasonable.
"Both. Which…" Kyminn looked at Jareth, suddenly puzzled. "Why ARE you speaking to me? I though Companions only spoke to their Chosen?"
A snort of something like laughter. :We can bespeak anyone we choose. We just choose not to share every mind we encounter. And I don't have a Chosen to speak to, and I choose to speak to you.:
"Derris has never spoken to me, and we've spent a lot of time together." Kyminn was genuinely curious.
:Derris is…very private, even for one of us. He's not comfortable reaching beyond the bonds with his Chosen. We are all different. When I Choose, it may be that I don't want to share my thoughts with anyone but my Herald. For now though, we felt it was important to listen to you, and I said I would.:
"Drew the short straw, did you?" Kyminn snorted.
:You might say that. Your mind is open, which makes things easier.:
"Open like how?"
:Part of you is reaching out with your Animal Mindspeech. It's not directed at me, but I can Hear it if I choose. It's as though you were having a conversation in another room and I could put my ear to the door and eavesdrop if I wanted. If it makes you feel better, you have very clear thoughts.:
"Thanks. I think." Kyminn kicked his feet idly. "So why did you all want to talk to me? Are you going to argue with me too?"
:No. I already told you that we aren't here to dictate your choices. But something about this has set you off and we're curious as to why. That doesn't seem like the person Derris told us about. Something about this has you recoiling in dread and it seems important to find out what that is.:
Kyminn looked Jareth in the eye. From his perch on the fence rail, they were at a level with each other. "Tell me, do people often try to lie to Companions?"
Jareth gave a derisive snort. :All the time. They lie to our Heralds, they lie to each other, they lie to themselves…they lie all the time. Why?: Jareth's mind voice was curious.
"Just wondering. So…how does that work out for them then?"
An equine shrug. :Sometimes they succeed. Sometimes they don't. You do know that you can't lie mind to mind, right?:
"Actually, I didn't. Huh. I guess that's because animals don't lie. Nor do they really converse mind to mind. Not like this at any rate. If it makes you feel better, you are a much better conversationalist than father's draft horse."
Jareth pinned his ears back and lashed out with his back feet. He snaked his head towards Kyminn and snapped his teeth in warning. He shook his head and snorted, regarding Kyminn sideways.
:That was…not funny.: His tone was decidedly miffed.
Kyminn was contrite. "Sorry. Honest. I'm just edgy and I guess I took it out on you."
Jareth relented. He snuffled gently against Kyminn's chest and his mind voice was quiet. :Kyminn, what is really going on here? What is it that you are so afraid of?:
His head was pressed against Jareth's cheek, hands gently stroking the glossy neck. A whisper, "I'm just an Animal Healer."
Jareth pulled back, gently. Blue eyes met green. :You are a trained, very strongly gifted Healer of animals. You are also a trained herb healer and bone setter. Why does this upset you?:
"Jareth, who treats the Companions? How may Animal Healers serve the Heralds?" the question was quiet.
Jareth was still. Kyminn felt his mind pull away, and realized that Jareth was speaking with the other Companions. Finally, the mind returned. :None:
"None. It's as my grandmother remembered. Jareth, say I go to Haven with you. Then what?"
:Then you talk to Healer's. You finish training in your gift and get your Greens.:
"And then?" Kyminn was remorseless.
:What do you mean? Then you work as a Healer: An impatient swish of the tail. :You don't have to work for the crown you know. A Healer can take any job. Healers work in temples, for nobles, for towns – like your mother and grandmother do. No one is going to make you stay in Haven if you don't want to.:
"Don't you see Jareth? That's it. That's the problem. I'm a decent herb healer and bone setter. But if I'm wearing Greens, and people hear that I have a gift, they'll assume I can use it on people.
"Let's say I get a job at an estate. I don't want to spend the rest of my days tending to rich men's hunting horses and ladies pampered lap dogs. Or maybe I end up at one of Thenoth's temples. I might do more good there – the poor bring their milch cows in and so on, but mostly it would be more house pets. If I'm to stay at the temple, I'd eventually have to take vows, and that's not me, not my calling."
Jareth's mind voice was quiet, :Is this what you want then?: An image of Oakden, seen through the Companion's eyes.
Kyminn considered it, saw his village as it must appear to others. Stout timber buildings, fitted and snug. The long drying sheds where the more valuable timbers were curing. On one side of the square, the shared workshops, where winter days were spent transforming exotic woods into beautiful cabinetry and furniture.
He saw too the packed earth main street, rutted from the spring rains and needing grading again. Rough homespun, clean but humble, bannered from laundry lines. Not fancy, but prosperous. Healthy, but…limited.
"Yes. No. Maybe? I just know that I don't want to be trapped. I want…purpose. Meaning. I want to contribute something. Does that make sense?"
:It makes a lot of sense. Kyminn, no one is going to force you to use your gift for this purpose or that purpose. As long as you don't use it for ill, or to break the laws of Valdemar, you are free to make the life you want. I can promise you – no one is going to force you to stay in Haven if you don't want that. You are welcome to bring Randen and Derris back with us, then turn and come straight back here.:
Kyminn was silent. Jareth finally nudged him, literally and figuratively. :What is it?:
"Will I have to go to Healer's?"
Jareth's head came up in surprise. :Why do you ask?:
"I would just rather not. But Jannen mentioned something about having to make sure my Gifts were properly trained and under control. I just…would rather not have to go to Healer's."
Jareth cocked his head in surprise. :I don't think I've ever met anyone who was reluctant to go to Healer's. Well, stubborn patients don't count. But definitely not another Healer.:
Kyminn looked acutely uncomfortable. "My grandmother doesn't talk much about her time at Healer's. She'll talk about what she learned, what kind of classes and that sort of thing. She has a ton of stories about the antics of Heraldic and Bardic trainees. She's even got a few about pranks that Companions pulled. But…she doesn't take about the Healer trainees very much at all.
"I asked mother about it once. She said that some parts of the training were very difficult for her mother, that things got easier once she got into the field and they figured out just how much she could do with her gift."
"Jareth…I know that healing trainees wouldn't hurt people on purpose. But it's easy enough to hurt people by accident, by excluding them. My grandmother's gift wasn't enough to make her one of the "true" Healers, and just by having a gift set her apart from the herb healers."
He ran his hands gently over the velvety nose, then dropped them into his lap. "I'm not sure I want to go to a place that caused her to be so unhappy that she won't even speak about it, three decades later. To be honest, I think I sort of hate them a little bit."
:Don't hate. Be angry if you need to. But…don't hate. That's just you drinking poison and waiting for the other fellow to die. Decide what you're angry at, or about, and then decide if you are going to fix it, stay angry, or let it go. Own your anger and the action. But don't hate.:
"Alright. No hate. But I'm still angry."
:Fair enough. How about this then – come with us to Haven, take care of Derris and Randen. It's going to take us nearly two moons to get there at the pace Derris can manage. We'll talk – you, me, Jannen, Randen. We'll help you decide what – or who – you need to be angry at and what – if anything – needs to be done. If the answer is "nothing can be done", then we have your Gifts tested at Herald's and you never set foot in Healer's. If the answer is "This is why I am angry, and this is what needs to happen" then we'll help you.:
"And I don't have to go to Healer's unless it's MY decision?"
:Your decision.:
Kyminn chewed on his lower lip, deep in thought. "I think," it was hesitant, "That this is a decision I need to consider very carefully."
