Chapter 3 – Conscience
Loki was lost and aloof.
He felt detached, unable to register his surroundings. He rarely ate or spoke, staring blankly at the lustrous golden barriers of his cell and barely responded to the roaming guards. It hardly seemed necessary when all his attention was focused on keeping his sanity.
He had begun to overlook things.
There were days where he found himself tied up with little to no memory of the day, only to be freed the next, and it was strange. He often woke in strange places with more than once with the guards looming over him. In his assessments following these events, he gained more bruises than normal.
It wasn't anything new and had little importance to him.
It's not like he cared about his body.
In any case, more often than not, Loki couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. Remembering certain memories only caused an inconvenience and a great deal of neuralgia.
But each passing day was different.
As his attention focused on keeping his sanity, most of that hard-tried concentration was centered on keeping his illusions at bay, namely the dark-threatening thoughts his biological father, Laufey, conveyed.
Now that, Loki admitted, was an interesting conversation.
He was sleeping when he felt slightly cold, despite being accustomed to it, it was odd. He felt a ghostly touch on his shoulder. He jolted awake to see Laufey in the middle of the cell on an icy throne, grinning at him with his thin blue lips and staring widely with his crimson eyes.
"My princeling, come and join me," Laufey grinned. "I am here to take you home."
"I am home." Loki whispered.
"Are you?"
Laufey reached out, "Come, take the throne."
"W-why?"
"Do you not want the throne?"
"N-never," Loki voiced, having learned his lesson. "Not again."
"Do not argue with me." His voice faded slightly. "Do you wish to come with me or not?"
Loki eyed the large blue hand offered to him. He hesitated, staring up into those crimson eyes with confusion and dilemma. He honestly wasn't sure what to do. He knew it wasn't real, but it seemed like it was.
"Do you honestly believe you will have your redemption here?" Laufey mocked. "Do you wish to mettle out your punishment and remain a prisoner in Odin's penitentiary and rot for all eternity— with no legacy, no nothing— to be a common ruffian."
"No," Loki said all too quickly.
He looked at the hand again as Laufey's fingers curled ever so slightly in allure, inviting him to take it.
"Join me and claim your birthright."
In Loki's bewilderment he obediently took it.
As the large blue hand curled around his, it pulled him to stand. But as he was pulled up, the hand vanished midway causing him to stumble to his knees. Looking up, he saw Laufey leaning on the wall by the hall behind the barrier.
"I gave you your chance," Laufey looked half-dead. "Why did you not take it?"
"B-but I did…" Loki faintly argued. "I took it."
"No, Loki."
His heart stopped.
He barely registered Laufey's image fizzling into nothing when those words hit him where it hurt. When he tried to remember where he heard it before and why it hurt, he couldn't. So many things flashed through his mind. The hallucinations were desperately eating at him; allowing him to bottle up the heaviness of regret and guilt until there was nothing left to fight for.
"My dear child—"
Loki trembled, unsure if her words were genuine and real.
"My dear sweet boy," Frigga's voice echoed in the room just behind the barriers where Laufey once stood. "My sweet child…"
He wanted to run to her— embrace her— tell her he loved her, but he couldn't. The look on her face was riddled with disappointment. It was worse than anything Loki could ever imagine. His heart skipped a bit when she smiled ever so lovingly at him. Warmth radiated from her, but that illusion faded quickly.
"T-take me home," Loki croaked. "I have done my due."
"I cannot." She whispered. "I left you here for a reason and I hope you understood and realized that."
Realize what?
"Monsters don't have homes, Loki."
Loki's heart sank.
He embraced his thin frame and ignored the pain slowly eating at him when Frigga's voice echoed into nothing. He was delusional, he told himself. Figments of his imaginations— an illusion his mind created to turn him insane— was what he believed.
This probably caused the number of blanks in his memory.
When the excitement died down, Loki crawled to his corner and covered himself up with the rag he used as a blanket when memories threatened to overload him. He tried to fall back to sleep, but the harder he tried, the worse his nightmares got.
"You're nothing but a boy trying to prove himself a man."
Loki covered his ears as the words echoed still.
"Loki this is madness!"
"Enough… no more, please," He pleaded, covering his head over with the rag. His breath was uneven and harsh. "No more. I am done, I beg you— Norns— end this."
"You brought the monster…"
He trembled in exhaustion, wishing it to be over.
"I'm the monster that p-parents tell their children about at night?"
He lowered his fevered cheeks to the cold floor and allowed the silence to calm his nerves. When he opened his eyes next, he saw his prison cell transform into the weapons vault. Odin walked towards him by the stairs, looking crestfallen.
"Why do you twist my words, Laufeyson?"
His voice made Loki shiver.
"I only wanted to protect you from the truth."
The scene faded quickly and Loki found himself on top of the rock on earth and saw Thor walking towards him with Mjolnir. His torn and bloody cape billowed. Thor's eyebrows creased and his eyes were a dark angry blue. When he spoke, his voice was dead and mucky.
"We thought you dead."
Loki stared in awe and confusion.
His Seidr had gone too far and he could no longer control his dreams— his nightmares.
"We were raised together, played together, fought together— do you remember none of that?"
"I do." Loki quivered.
The scene faded once more, same on earth, but inside the Helicarrier with Loki in the middle of chaos with people running and screaming all around him. He staggered to his feet and saw an imitation of him enter one room. He followed cautiously and saw Thor inside a transparent cage and his copy facing the panel with his hand hovered over it.
"What are you thinking, Loki?" Thor asked.
"Death…" The imitation answered. "What about you?"
Loki's mind blurred.
Why was this playing out? Why was he seeing this again? He never wanted to repeat this scene, not even in his head, never again! It bothered him even to this day… he never admitted it, but he hated it… he hated it so much.
"Don't do it, Loki."
But he had to.
Loki closed his eyes, knowing full well what his clone was going to do. He heard it, the rush of air gushing through the opening panel below and the sound of metal groaning. Thor's faint cry sounded in the distance.
"What are you waiting for?" The velvet copy of his voice asked.
Loki opened his eyes.
"Aren't you happy it's over?" His double grinned at him, seemingly pleased with himself. "It served him right for abandoning us and treating us like dirt all these years. Didn't he deserve it?"
"No…" He whispered.
"Why not?" The double growled. "Why doesn't he deserve it?"
"Because we do."
"I don't believe that." The velvet voice purred as it got closer. "We lie and kill— we want to stay separate— have our own code…" The imitation caressed Loki's now tear-streaked cheek and whispered ever so softly and cruelly. "To make up the horrors—"
Loki pulled away, but the double got closer.
"But they would never—" His hand dropped to Loki's neck, "Ever—" wrapped his long fingers around it, "Go—" and squeezed tightly. "—AWAY!"
Loki jolted awake screaming.
Tears streamed down his face as heavy sobs escaped his lips; his abused body trembled and nails dug at the rag wrapped around him. The nightmare sunk deep into his core, exposing him, making him so vulnerable.
He hated it.
It felt so real.
It merged with his reality and he couldn't distinguish between them. Panic rose and he felt so alone and confused. He wept until there were no more tears to shed and it took a while before his panic died down and he was still again.
He didn't want to sleep.
Not anymore.
Not after that experience.
oOo
"Look at what we have here."
Not-Thor appeared near the corner of the cell laughing uncontrollably, yet seemingly disgusted with him. It had been several days since the nightmare took hold of Loki and kept him awake. It was mentally and emotionally draining more than it physically was.
He didn't need this.
The nightmares had frightened him from getting decent rest, and now Thor was bothering him.
"Does it hurt?"
Loki turned his face to the corner.
"How do you feel?" Thor asked with false sincerity. "Are you well?"
He didn't need false concern.
Loki grabbed the strands of his hair and pulled, hoping the pain would jolt him from this never ending nightmare. He didn't want to cry, not again. Not now. But he was close, oh, how far had he fallen? He hated showing weakness, but the panic started to build up again as Thor begun to hum.
He thought he was finished with self-harm, but it seemed to be his only escape— his only option to end constant misery— a way to find what was real and what wasn't. It was the first he had done in months.
"Do you honestly believe doing that would change anything?" Thor laughed. "You're useless, do you know that?"
"Ignore him, Loki." He told himself. "Calm down."
"I can hear you."
Thor's humming got louder and louder and far more annoying than necessary. It bothered Loki so much, that he was itching to claw at Thor's neck, if he could. The tune was cold and dead, dark and terrifying. It sent chills down his spine. He didn't need this right now. He didn't need more reason to panic.
He needed quiet… needed peace.
"Am I bothering you?" Thor purred.
"YES!" Loki shouted. "YES! Yes! You are—"
Thor watched in amusement.
"Why—" Loki broke off as sobs took over him. "Why can you not leave me alone?!" He cried as his panic intensified. "I've had enough of you… c-can't you understand t-that? Why can you not leave me in peace? Please… p-please… stop."
The dead humming continued.
"Please stop," Loki croaked.
"Make me."
As Thor continued his torture, Loki tried to tune him out, but Thor's voice was crisp and clear, and getting on his nerves. As Thor's humming got darker, the noise begun to distress Loki to the point of snapping.
It continued until Loki could no longer endure.
His Seidr wildly discharged as a huge green burst of energy imploded inside his cell; weakening him. It was so painful, but it kept him awake. He screamed in agony as his Seidr continued to burst in shots, shaking the entire prison.
"What are you doing?" Thor growled. "You've just alerted all of Asgard!"
Thor's screaming didn't help.
Loki felt alone.
Guards poured out from the hall and tried to subdue him, but his Seidr poured out of control to defend him, attacking the guards at every turn. Several guards were blasted towards the barrier, effectively knocking some of them out. The others dragged the unconscious ones away to the healers.
"Enough of this!" Thor growled. "You're giving them more reason to extend your misery!"
They tried to subdue him when he finally ran out of enough energy.
The pain was unbearable to Loki, yet he continued to fight them. The guards took drastic measures when Loki drew blood. They subdued him with a gag and handcuffs, throwing him to his corner and kicking him into submission until he was weaker than before.
Now limp, confused and tired, Loki lay defeated.
"That will keep him from fighting back," The Einherjar wiped his bleeding lip. "Now what?"
"He's not worth it," One man growled. "Let's just leave him."
"And the All-Father?" Another argued.
"What does the All-Father care about this crap right here?"
"True, Heimdall cannot even see him."
Another one laughed," No one would care if we leave him like this for a few days." Everyone else laughed and agreed with him. "Besides the cuff will keep his Seidr at bay until he learns his lesson."
Lying there, Loki couldn't believe what he heard.
Were they just going to leave him there in pain?
What had he done to deserve their cruel treatment? He couldn't control his Seidr, it wasn't his fault he had nowhere to release it to. Loki watched as they left him utterly abused and humiliated while they merrily laughed down the corridor.
Defeated, Loki struggled to get out of his bounds, but was too tired to succeed.
He stared at Thor.
Emerald eyes pleaded for help.
"What?" Thor angrily sneered. "Do you honestly think I would help you after that stupid stunt you pulled?"
No.
He didn't think so.
"What a failure." He chuckled. "I cannot bear to see you like this."
Loki's eyes widened when he realized what Thor was about to do. He was going to leave him alone. No… NO! No-No-no-no-NO! He wasn't ready! Please… He never meant what he said. He was being annoying and that had startled Loki and made him snap. It wasn't his fault. Please!
How could he live without him?
"You don't deserve my love." Thor left.
Loki gave up.
Tears streamed down his face. He was so frustrated at everything, but mostly himself. Look at him, how everyone would see him now. So broken, defeated… humiliated. He let his head drop as he cried himself to sleep, accepting the darkness' embrace.
He would forget this all happened.
By tomorrow, Thor would return and it would be the same never ending routine— over and over again.
Right?
oOo
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