oOo
Chapter 4 – Forsaken
Odin and Frigga sat reminiscing on the balcony overlooking Asgard.
The day had been very taxing.
This was the first in so long that they've managed to spend time in each other's company aside from their duties to the realm. So many things had gone inand beyondtheir borders as well as within Council and their family, that it was hard to keep track of everything without losing mastery over their goals.
"What are we to do?" Frigga whispered. "We cannot win this fight."
Odin silently agreed.
He had made so many mistakes over the years and brooded over the fact that he was willing to repeat the same actions if it meant keeping his people safe. He knew in himself that he was willing to put Loki through more sentences if it amassed a number of approvals.
It wasn't justice, by any means, no.
It was cruelty.
Norns forbid. He deeply cared for his people, but what about the son he raised from infancy? Was he eminently certain that Loki deserved all that scorn? After all, Loki was misguided growing up; it could only be faulted by Odin's inattention and caution.
Right?
But no one faulted him for it, and that bothered him.
Endless questions riddled him with doubt. His continuous grievances and rhythm of secrets was devouring his family— his affairs… his marriage. And it was caused by Loki's flaws— his misdeeds— and most of all his weakness. So his punishment was nothing short of what he deserved and it was a sacrifice Odin was willing to make for the good of his people.
But was it really for the better?
Frigga put up with him because he was her husband and Thor because he was his father, but the people did so because he was their wise King.
He wasn't as wise as he would like to be.
"Do you think," Frigga anticipated. "That he learned his lesson?"
"No," Odin murmured.
Frigga lowered her gaze and pulled away from Odin's touch as she longingly stared beyond Asgard.
Odin let her be.
As dearly as he'd like to think that Loki learnt his lesson, he could not confirm. He had received no word from the Council or the Einherjar's in duty regarding Loki's well-being. It was as if he was never there.
Frigga sighed in defeat and Odin watched her tremble.
They mourn.
Not just for their broken family, but also for the loss of their son.
The Loki in the past would never become the Loki of today. That boy was dead. As sure as the son rose that boy was gone. And even Loki, who Odin had confronted at the weapons vault years ago, knew it was over. Whatever it was they shared would never make up for the lies they hid.
Not only have they lost one son, but would soon lose the other, for Thor's heart ached for his brother. And while he fights for Asgard, his thoughts are always with Loki. Try as he might to distract himself in battle or with thoughts of his mortal woman, Jane, he could never replace the worry he had for his brother.
"How is Thor?"
As a mother, Frigga had every right to ask, but she only did so to get Odin to do something… anything.
They must talk.
"He is unstable," Odin muttered. "Sensitive is he regarding the rule of the Council. And they, as you know, had decided that were I to perish— my son would not be suitable to rule."
Frigga wasn't surprised by this, "What then do we do?"
"Tis not as if I would day today or tomorrow." He sighed. "Until Thor clears his mind, he cannot rule in my stead. With dark thoughts clouding his better judgment, I wholeheartedly agree with the Council."
Thor was blind, Odin thought.
He loved Loki too much and that would be his downfall. Thor was strong willed and smart, but Loki had always been there for him in times of strife, and as much as Thor could in his time, had also been there for Loki.
They made a wonderful pair.
Fighting side by side and triumphing so easily. But now, separate as they were, they couldn't seem to function, but together… they would have been indestructible.
Wait…
Odin then begun to realize something he never understood before. Oh, what a fool… what a misguided fool he was. He chided himself for taking so long. Frigga noticed the sudden change of atmosphere and stared hopefully at her husband.
"What's wrong, dear?" She asked.
"I may have something," Odin smiled. "It might work…"
"Have what?"
"A chance to overrule the Council."
"Truly?"
Frigga gasped when she realized what he had meant. She had a talent for foresight and had predicted this, yet she wasn't sure if Odin had— if you excuse her language— had the balls to do it. And now here he was, saying it as if it were their last chance.
"Y-you jest. You cannot mean this."
"I have hope still," Odin voiced. "No matter how small it may be, it is there."
"You have decided."
"It is final." He nodded. "All we need to do is to let Thor know."
"Let me speak to him," Frigga smiled sadly. "I do not think he would receive you nor would he listen to your reason."
"Tell him little, if you can."
Frigga had doubt, but she believed in Odin regardless of his flaws. This, she knew, was her husband's way of atonement. And she would let him have his way… for now. The Norns would not help them, the realm would not stand up for them, and their people would not fight… not for this reason.
Yet where there was fear, there was also hope.
She stood, and elegant as always, walked away in silence. Odin stared as she left the chamber and desperately wished this idea of his would prevail. He grabbed Gungnir, leaning on the railing, and slammed it twice on the pavement.
Two guards entered the room.
He stood, head held high, and called a meeting at the war council room. For nothing will strike them down. It was finally time to act. No longer will he play a pawn to their schemes and injustice.
He had to fight fire with fire.
In this forbidden game, he will win.
But in this desire, he only hoped that he would eventually be forgiven.
oOo
Loki trembled.
He was cold despite his usual tolerance for it. He felt so stressed out being unable to predict his future. He usually had an idea of the consequences, but right now, he was lost and so afraid. His hope was fast fading.
He was trapped in a dubious dream.
"I see you are still you."
Loki chuckled softly as Not-Thor's voice echoed in his ears. He had lied to him. The man said he wouldn't return, yet here he was, silently playing with Loki's hair. If he ceased his visits, Loki would have gone mad with loneliness.
He was nothing without him.
Unresponsive.
Crazy.
Delusional.
All of these words, he dared not think on too deeply for he knew he was normal. Yet he was so sure that everyone would believe he was in denial. There were several stages of insanity Loki was going through or had gone through, because he was already a definition of insanity.
He may not be fully aware, but the truth was in front of his eyes, he just couldn't see it.
"You should think less and do more," Thor suggested as he braided Loki's hair.
Loki could feel a ghostly tug, but nothing else. He tried to seek warmth, but it wasn't there, and for the first time, Loki actually wondered why.
Thor was always warm.
His hugs were warm.
His smile… it was everything.
He wanted to be embraced. He didn't care how childish or how foolish it was, but he wanted one simple thing and soon, if Thor allowed it. When Loki reached out to Thor, he moved away. Loki felt a sharp pain on his side and coughed.
"You are thirsty." Thor commented.
Loki meekly nodded.
"Then go get one."
"I cannot."
"Stand, crawl or beg if you must." Thor teased. "Warriors would do anything to get their greedy hands on what they want. It is the way of life. I am sure they could provide you— with a little incentive that is— what you need."
"I'd rather not," Loki muttered brokenly as he recalled the horrible things the warriors had done to him, especially those that he couldn't remember.
"Do you fear they would return?"
"The guards do not bother me in the slightest."
Thor inched closer and remained silent. In the past, Loki hated Thor's heavy breathing, but now… he missed it. Not-Thor was always so quiet and ghost-like. It made him feel slightly uncomfortable. Yet despite his uneasiness, this Thor was always by his side.
Loki licked his lips in anxiety.
He had been so depraved of everything he wanted and everything he hoped for.
What more could he lose?
"What do you fear?" Thor whispered.
As soon as Thor spoke, there were footsteps down the hall. The guards arrived with a glass of water. They offered it to him generously behind the golden barrier. When Loki moved to stand, the guard accidentally dropped it.
"Oops," The Einherjar mourned. "That's a shame."
Loki eyed the spilt water hungrily.
The guard laughed in triumph and walked away without another word. Loki eyed the water and licked his lips in despair.
"When I get out of here—"
"You would what— cry?" Thor laughed. "Why they are keeping you alive down here is a mystery to me."
Loki blinked the tears away as Thor crept up beside him. Momentarily paralyzed, he felt the cold envelop him. He forced his emerald eyes shut and trembled.
"He dropped it," Loki anguished.
"Excuses, Loki."
"But—"
"What does your heart see?" Thor asked, distracting him.
"Nothing but lies…"
Loki covered his mouth as soon as he blurted it out. The truth slipped out and misery took over. Panic rose in his chest. He feared Thor's possible aversion to his thoughts. So far, Thor had done nothing to hurt him besides his words, but Loki wasn't sure anymore. He never really had proof of Thor's dedication.
At least, not this Thor.
"You fear me," Thor grimaced. "You suffer and hurt."
Loki covered his ears.
"You know that wouldn't work," His stoical dark voice echoing eerily. "You're in pain and I understand that. You know death is close but she would not accept you. Your love for most or love for many… is never returned— just enveloped in loneliness and regret."
"Why are you so cruel?" Loki whimpered.
"Because you finally need to see the truth…"
"I don't need the truth."
"Have I hurt you, Loki?" Thor asked. "You know I never cared about that."
"Why must you be so cruel to me now of all days, Thor?" Loki cowered in his corner and despaired at how quickly Thor's demeanor had changed. He was so kind earlier. What happened?
"Pathetic."
Loki took a deep breath to ease his ruffled spirit. He needed to stop himself from drowning into more self-pity and remorse, but with Thor's continued mockery, it was a lost-cause.
"Your heart belongs to me, Loki." He chuckled. "You know you are nothing without me."
"I am—" Loki embraced himself tighter. "I'm…"
"Say it."
"I'm not…"
"Forget it," Thor sneered. "You're pathetic."
Before Loki could reply, something hit him. He was drenched from head to toe with cold water. Loki snapped out of his delirium and looked up to see the golden barrier rising up again. He never realized it went down in the first place.
"You were filthy so I cleaned you up."
"We might need more water."
"A whole fountain full!"
The two big and bulky guards laughed, knocking their empty buckets together. The taller one slapped his thighs in amusement. Loki spat the water that got into his mouth, unable to accept the taste of it.
"Stop talking to yourself." The smaller one urged. "It's highly annoying!"
"Half the year we have to endure your cycle into madness." The taller one grimaced. "It gets tedious. I mean, don't you get tired of it?"
"Not really." Loki mumbled.
"He talks?!" The smaller one gasped. "Ya' hear that, Grogg?"
"I did, Njal." Grogg nudged him. "Wait till the others hear of this. It'll be quite a tale. He usually only mumbles nonsense and screams. Remember before?"
"How could I forget?" He grinned. "That was fun."
"That was memorable."
"Tell me about it."
"Maybe we could do it again?"
"For old time's sake," Njal whispered.
"Yes, for old time's sake."
Loki glared at them while Thor held his sides in amusement. He remembered what Thor had told him before, to fight and prove to them that he wasn't so easily beaten. He wasn't anyone's plaything. He had seen these two constantly. Sometimes when he woke up bound in a different room, they were there. He wouldn't mistake their voices for anyone else.
His muddled mind broke.
"Pay your respects," Loki bravely hissed.
"Why should I?"
"You do this in front of your Prince."
"You?! Do you honestly believe that?!" Njal mocked. "Did you hear that, Grogg? He thinks he still has authority over us. That's pathetic. How long do you think you've been in here? With your numerous crimes, you're no longer credible."
"I'm not talking about myself, idiot."
"What did you say to me, you piece of shit?"
"Knock it off, Njal." Grogg grimaced. "We both know the real son of Odin isn't here. This one though—" He pointed at Loki. "—is delusional… It's probably because he hasn't seen daylight in nearly two years."
"Pity they didn't just kill him."
"True, it would have been more merciful."
"Not that we care though."
"True." Grogg laughed. "Come on," He nudged him out. "Tyr must be looking for us."
The two guards walked away, lugging their buckets noisily.
Loki fell into great misery.
He moved to another corner to try and dry himself off. He didn't want to take off his clothes. He was afraid someone might walk in on him and do something he didn't like. He had always been shy of his body and he hated being mocked for it.
He had always been lean and tiny… not like Thor.
Never like Thor.
"Was that the best you could do?" Thor disappointedly shook his head.
"What would you have preferred me to do?"
"You could have said something far more intelligent than that."
Loki twisted his wet clothes to his mouth to drink the water trapped in it. At least it kept his lips wet. He remained silent for a while until Thor begun to pace in annoyance. The quiet bothered Loki, so when he spoke next, it rung in his ears like a bell.
"They should have stopped."
"For what?" Thor scoffed. "For your petty insult?"
"No, because you are here."
"And what if I am?"
"You're a Prince." Loki declared. "If not to me, they should've paid their respects to you, as they usually do."
Thor shook his head and rolled his eyes, realizing just how Loki had truly lost his sanity to think he was real. It was absurd and heart-wrenching at the same time. But he was just a figment, a part of Loki created by his Seidr.
For such an intelligent young man, Loki was utterly set adrift.
Reduced to a man with nothing...
As Thor look directly into begging emerald eyes, he instantly knew what Loki sought for. Comfort. But Thor could do nothing to ease the situation. He may laugh, insult, feel, speak… but he isn't real. His emotions were but a reflection of Loki's own bottled emotions.
It was all in Loki's head.
The fears Loki had bottled over the years, they were manifested in Not-Thor. Every hurtful thing, every snide comment Loki ever made, the way he thinks, the way he doesn't want Thor to be, every painful memory…
It's all trapped in Not-Thor.
And he's using it to his advantage.
For Loki's sanity…
"What did they mean by nearly two years?" Loki muttered innocently.
"Sleep it off."
Loki disregarded all his questions and lay down on the cold hard floor. His body continued to ache, but that wasn't anything new. He squeezed himself to another corner to get some warmth, but did little to help. He closed his eyes, but opened them again to see if Thor was still there.
But Thor was gone.
"He will return," Loki thought.
oOo
Please review and tell me what you think.
Thank you!
