A blurred reality played in front of her eyes. Things she saw but didn't record. Words she heard but didn't listen to. Her ear, she felt it now. Heard it loud and clear. That buzzing, painful and isolating. Life held to a string. That's something her job would never allow her to forget. Chaos unravelled around her, firemen on the floor, others sprinted to and fro. Medics dispatched to the different victims. She heard a deep voice, screaming behind her.
No movement. That painful buzzing serenaded her through the horror. She let her thoughts again far away, allowing herself to disconnect. Begging her conscious to have mercy. Delaying the inevitable return to reality. Blurry looked good on it at the time. It smoothed its sharp edges. Numbed the brain and body until it is ready to confront the truth.
A woman finally got to her, the wordless sounds Gabby's ears percieved felt like a warm hug at the end of a long day. She lay down and the medic got closer, palpating, checking pupils. Gabby sat through it all, silent, immobile, completely livid. The buzzing in her ear as sole companion.
She opened her eyes to an audiance. Smiley faces and teary eyes to welcome her back to a clear reality. The memories, intact. The pain, fresh. The guilt settled. She held her breath.
"Did everyone make it?" She choked on her words, her eyes welled in apprehension.
The smiley faces faded and sympathy drew on their faces. The tears stung her eyes and her limbs felt on fire. She scanned the faces to make out who was missing.
Otis, Check. Mouch, Check. Pratt, Check. Severide, Check. Mills, Check.
Casey, absent.
Cruz, Check. Johnson, Check.
Herrman, absent.
She sobbed "Casey? Herrman? Are they.." The words didn't come,
Severide stepped forward from behind Shay.
"No," he whispered. "Casey is out of surgery but nothing is certain. Herrman is still in the O R. We'll know more in two hours."
"I'm so sorry" She bursted into tears. " I never mea.."
"It wasn't you" Brett started. Gabby sat up and folded her legs to her stomach, she sobbed all along.
Kelly pushed her chin up to his level "Dawson", she fled his eyes, he took a breath. "Dawson!" she somewhat composed herself "It wasn't your fault".
No words came out of her mouth, she stared at the walls with an empty look in her eyes. She forced her eyes still until the rest of the room disappeared. That was the moment she had delayed. The safe space she allowed the raging emotions to take control. She deserved the guilt, she deserved every negative emotion that came her way. She had been so foolish. She had been arrogant. How can an on duty firefighter think it is safe to couple two jobs at a time? She had been so focused on being the hero. Even now, replaying the scene in her hand, she remembered Brett, behind her. Basically begging to do her job. A job Gabby's arrogance wouldn't let her let go of. Being a first responder meant putting the victims before you. Sacrificing a part of yourself and create a new chance for them.
She used them instead of serving their best interest. Disgusting. She fed that blood thirsty monster burried well underneath her good heart. It had been so easy hiding behind good intentions. Being a first responder only fueled her own need to be the Hero. To feel that fucking rush when you see someone walking around and tell yourself that without you, they wouldn't be there. The realisation got uglier as it went, she realised what saving a life really meant to her. Power. More than she had ever had before. It made her sick because it all sunk in. To be given such control over the fate of hundreds of people, even at the risk of her own life, provided her with unequalled sensations. That hunger for control was the core of the problem, her stomack tightened. That drive that led her to those carreer choices, she had mistaken for being an altruist. She threw up at the thought of her seemingly altruistic choices being in fact, the highest form of egocentrism at work.
A nurse entered the room and layed her back down on her pillow. She called in someone to get the room cleaned and asked everyone to give Gabriella some space. The nurse wiped Gabriella's mouth as well as her dignity. Gaby layed there, a blank stare on her face. She knew not who she was. She knew not who she would become. Loneliness was all her heart desires. Their presence there oppressed her, she couldn't deal with the accusing looks they gave, not on top of her own newly-found self hatred.
The nurses left the room after cleaning up the mess. Gabby's eyes remained blank. She chose numbness over pain again. She knew not how they were. She knew not if the unspeakable had happened. She would block the sad and the depressed part of her, as much as she could. And then, when the news came, would react accordingly.
"I want to be alone" She said and closed her eyes as to cut short any desire of discussion from her team.
Flames danced before her eyes as a hypnotic sound resonated in her ears. She saw screaming children and the faces of several people. All of them where scared. She knew a danger was there, lurking without identifying it. She saw the flames gain in intensity, raging on the ceiling but brought her no fear. The danger was elsewhere. Lurking in the shadows, ready to strike at the best moment. Least expected, that's when it hurts the most.
And all these faces, she knew them. She'd been there with them, through flames and crushing buildings. Car crashes and assaults, witnessing the worst in people's lives. Her chest hurt as the desplay of human chaos played right before her eyes. It wasn't about her. It was about those tears that should have never been shed. It was about the blood that never belonged on the floor. And it's about the pain that should never be felt. It's about disaster that, although inevitable, should be avoided at all costs. The burning in her body intensified as the faces multiplied. And the vanity and arrogance she thought poisonned her system couldn't be more scarce.
She didn't see her glorious acts. She didn't think about her. She wanted the tears to dry, the blood to stop shedding and the pain to vanish. Perhaps this had been it.
"Honey." A caressing tone tried.
She opened her lids to the face of an angel.
"Hey!" She said, joyful. "You're ok" she smiled. Casey's tender eyes layed on her. He sat back in his wheelchair and only then did she notice the nurse stood against the wall.
A timid smile drew on his lips. With a slight nod, he got close to her face and kissed her cheek. The numbness she had held on to was now no longer necessary. She let his closeness affect her. She let his touch comfort her. The brief contact of his lips on her bare skin had left a long lasting bliss in her mind. He was ok. He didn't resent her, he was ok.
"Where's Herrman?" She asked
"He still hasn't woken up. Are you all right?" He tilted his head frowning at her.
" I feel good." She humored him "Why?" she attempted to sit up.
"You've been in here for two days. Sleeping" he said, she opened her eyes wide.
She looked around her, disconcerted.
Wait a minute, accident, hospital, sleep, waking up. how much time did her nap take?
"2 days!?" he nodded again " Does that mean Herrman is in..."
"A coma" He said, the word resonated in her head.
"Can I see him?" she mindlessly said, a heavy knot in the stomach.
He lowered his eyes down and shook his head "only family is allowed"
She swallowed loudly "When can I get back to work?"
He put his hands over his face and rubbed his eyes. "Not yet. There's a lot we need to discuss."
Confused, she questionned him with a look.
"A couple of things aren't clear on what caused the incident. Bowden and the system are questionning your responsibility" He bit his lip.
"And by questionning you mean blaming" she blurted in a loud voice, not out of anger, more as an expression of guilt.
"I never said that. We're waiting on everybody's deposition. We're investigating."
"But while the investigation is happening I cannot.."
"Come back to the house." he finished I'm sorry. It's very serious. Herrman. He could"
"Don't" she cut him off, "I get it. I'll step back. Let things get worked out at the station. I get it" she crossed her arms on her chest and fought back her birthing tears.
Hi, I know I've been really bad at uploading new chapters, sorry. I haven't forgotten about this story I've just been busy. (Lamest excuse ever!) Have you watched the season final? Did you like thid season?
