New Life.

Her eyes opened only a few minutes after the usual time. Instead of her usual getting-ready-for-work routine, she sighed and forcefully pushed herself out of her bed. Her feet slid to her dresser and she stood there, staring at it to the point of madness.

What was the point of getting up when she had no job to be at? She stared some more and held heavy arms on a drawer and opened with just enough care not to unscrew that one screw that somehow held it together. Mission accomplished: Now pick a shirt.

Her eyes wandered again. Whatever she took wouldn't matter anyway, she had nowhere to be. She sighed again.

The wallpaper was chipping off the wall behind her dresser. Had it always been like that? No way to tell. She had become so oblivious to her surroundings. Every single day she woke up to the same wallpaper, the same furniture, the same colours, the same patterns, the same carpets. Unbelievable.

The tear in the wallpaper looked old, too old for her not to have seen it before. To old for not having had it fixed. Those things you passed up out of habit. Or out of a "too hero to care" mentality. Unspeakable.

That level of letting go. Her house was falling appart, her life was falling appart. This attitude could ruin her everything, whatever "everything" she had left. She would never be passive again. Look where it had lead her? Had she dealt with her hero complex.. nothing would have...

No more being passive. Starting from that wall, she pinched the tear and pulled it off the wall. As much as she had screwed up, being suspended, second guessing her life choices. One thing was sure: when she saw something she didn't like, she changed it. She worked hard to make it better. If that wallpaper wasn't right, it needed to go, if her job isn't right it also needs to go.

"New house, new life. Fresh start", She repeated to herself as she tore more and more of her wallpaper, throwing the pieces until they covered most of her floor. She pushed the dresser aside to get more space and kept on tearing. "If things aren't right, I change them" she said grabbing another loose piece. She pealed it off the wall muttering "new life!". The next part she took hold of, she snatched with all the strength she mustered up. A scream of joy, how exhilerating. It had felt so right. She didn't have to live like that, she could just change it.

The tearing and snatching graduallly turned into rage. Hermann.

She could not just change that part of her story. That part of his family's story will be never be erased from their minds. The excrutiating wait for an answer, for his return to consciousness. The sleepless nights. The days of longing and pure suffering. That, she couldn't change. A scream of pain and frustration, how deafening. The tearing kept on and its therapeutic power diminished. She began looking for something else to do to focus her rage towards. She quick-paced through the bedroom and spun on herself. Her heart felt heavy and down her stomach, the need to scream came circling back, she needed to punch, yell, hammer something to shreds, and there it was. That old and ugly drawer that only held with one magical screw. So plain and useless. Jumping at it, she jerked it down and watched it crush as it hit the floor. She kicked at the piece of furniture and swore at the bolt of pain that came after.

"Fuck!" she grabbed her foot and bounced up and down.

The bell rang downstairs, who could it be this early in the morning?

She hopped down to the door and gently put her foot down to open, forcing the pain away. She shook the smirk of pain off and opened up to see Casey.

"Hey. How ya' holdin' up?" he looked up at her, attempting eye contact. Their eyes never met.

"Fine" she held in a grunt. Her body slightly leaned to the right, onto the door.

He watched as she moved for comfort. "You don't look fine"

She looked at him, caught in her act and tried a "I'm good" but she saw it didn't work, she bit the inside of her lip. "How's Hermann?"

"Gabby, are you ok?" he put a hand on her shoulder, she brushed it off.

"How is he?"She made eye contact.

"Gabby, are you ok?" he repeated, sinking his warm gaze into her stone cold eyes.

"Casey, is he ok?" she said, slower.

"He woke up at around three am and rang for a nurse to discharge him" she slapped his arm and pushed him away.

He looked at her with confusion.

"Why didn't you lead with that? I was dead worried!" She laughed in relief and closed the door.

"Gabby!" she could hear his muffled voice.

"I'm fine, go to work" she pressed her back against the door and slid down to a sitting position. The pain in her foot was barely there. Legs folded against her chest, she rested her head on her knees and smiled. No teeth, but still. A genuine, feel good smile.

She limped to her bag and took her phone out of it. One ring, two, three. Maybe he didn't have his phone yet. Or maybe it had died, it had been days. Voicemail. He'd lost his phone during the call. It broke under the stones. There had to be an explanation. Another one than the one she'd refused to let sink in. A reason that had nothing to do with him hating her the way she hated herself. The truth being she had been too slow, she had let them down. Thank god he had lived, all she could do was pray for him to get his life back as soon as possible.

Or, she could do more.

She grabbed her keys and changed her clothes. Off she was to the hospital.

She stormed in, ignoring the nurses' pleads to not wake the patients. Hermann could sleep and she could wait. Best thing about having nowhere to be, was... well, having nowhere to be.

Her steps grew lighter and lighter as she approached his room. As if her reckless mind had finally come to its senses. She stopped in front of the door and considered knocking. She then opted for a gentle handle twisting and a careful door pushing. His wife startled up and like a magnet, stuck her finger over her lips. she walked toward her.

"What are you doing here?" she whispered.

Gabby's mind scanned her tone. Calm, surprised. No underlying hatred. She must be crazy.

"How is he?" she whispered in response, looking at her feet, which by the way, no longer hurt.

"He woke up last night, acted like.. well, himself and the nurses gave him a sedative so he could sleep. He's been out ever since."

Gabby smiled "Yeah I heard he wanted out"she shook her head.

Hermann's wife took a step and walking beside her; motionned Gabby outside the room. Once she had carefully closed the door she waved Gabby closer.

"Look, it's nice to see you here and I'm sure Hermann will love to see you when he wakes up."

"But" She said, expectantly

"But" she gulped "It's been a violent shock to his head. I don't know how he'll react to... well, having you here"

She could feel the heaviness of those words weigh on her in a whole new way. Suddenly, a scary thought came creeping in. One her chaotic mind had not envisionned. That Herrman could be aware of her mistake, of the way she let him down. Of how if she hadn't been so focused on doing someone else's job, she would have been in place fast enough for the operation to go smoothly.

Her face swivelled down to never get back up, her back slouched like under an invisible weight. What did she expect? Of course his wife would turn away the woman responsible for her husband's hell. As much as shame ate away her self-worth it seemed to fuel her feet that had never moved that quickly before. In a matter of seconds she was at the end of the hallway, close to the reception's desk. Eyes keeping south, she bumped into an unknown amount of people not even whispering an apology. They all held their pace, silent as well until one stopped and grabbed her hand.

A heartbeat with a glance. Who dared take her out of her depressed transe?

"What are you doing here?" Casey put his firefighter cask under his arm.

She gestured to the hallway "just visiting Hermann"

His eyes widened "Oh, he awake?"

She shook her head "his wife said he might. Not. Want. to see me."

His face seemed to close off "mmh" he took a breath "Imma pop an eye there. I'll see you tomorrow at the firehouse"

Her face lightenned, hope immediatley alleviated the weight on her shoulders "Am I back on truck?"

He shook his head and looked at her, with sorry eyes "Sorry, I shouldn't have said it like that" she shrugged, hid a gulp "We still need to discuss how things went down"

She felt her stomach tighten, she knew it announced nothing good. He'd already said that when he suspended her. Her breath quickened. It was like he'd put her heart in a blender. Nausea bent her in two, as her hand covered her mouth she saw it tremble.

Casey dropped his cask to the floor and wrapped an arm around the small of her back. He helped her to the closest seat.

"We need a doctor!" he shouted before looking back at her "you okay?"

She gasped for air as a response, she felt her blood race through her veins, her heart thudded in her ears leaving her completely deaf to his questions.

"Gabby, what's wrong?" he put a hand on her forehead "Gabby!"

A medical team arrived, after asking in vain for Gabby to get up. He took the matter in his own hands, litteraly and gently laid her down on the bed.

"Sit her up" ordonned the doctor.

He did. She placed the stetoscope on Gabby's chest, asked her to breathe in.

Gabby executed the orders as her ears slowly started to hear again. Progressively, things started to get back to normal. Air flowed in and out, her nausea disappeared and the thuds ceased.

The Doctor put away her tools" Everything looks fine" She told Casey and then said "Are you under a lot of stress?" turning to Gabby.

She nodded, hoping Casey wouldn't see, she glanced at him, he saw.

"You were just having a panic attack. Take it easy and you should be fine" The doctor left, leaving her with a nurse to sign the discharge papers. The nurse asked her to come with him.

Casey followed "What about Herrman?" she asked,

"Herrman's asleep. Don't worry about it" He attempted to grab her hand, she slyly dodged it.

His hand travelled up and down her back, he barely felt her skin as she kept herself as far as the distance between her skin and her clothes could be. He gave confort, didn't he know she deserved none of it?

"I'm sorry" she said, under her breath.

He put his head closer "What was that?"

She put on her best smile "Be safe", she started her car and drove away.

He yelled something behind her car but the words were drowned by the distance.