Thank you all for your responses. Unfortunately, I don't have time to respond to all of you individually (blame a heavy work schedule). But I'm glad you guys enjoyed the events that occurred (though I admit I'm surprised by how many people enjoyed Lacus getting punched in the face when it was supposed to be clear that Cagalli was in the wrong).

Anyway, I hope the new chapter doesn't disappoint, and I will try to respond to all of you guys next time.


Chapter Thirteen: All Mixed Up

I was playing with Elle again when the P.A. blared with those infamous, hated words. "All hands, primary battle stations! All civilians should remain in their quarters!"

After saving Lacus Clyne's life, it didn't shock me that ZAFT had found us. They were likely frantically searching for Lacus and found us . . . and, inadvertedly, found Lacus too, though how would they know that?

Elle looked up at me. "You're going to have to fight again, Cagalli?"

"Yes," I said. "I have to. Please stay here."

"Mommy's on the Gottfred, Kotfryed, whasit?"

"The Gottfried?"

"Yeah, that." Elle's eyes shimmered. "I don't know where it is. Do you know where it is?"

I didn't. I honestly hadn't paid any attention to the position of the Gottfried, or any of the Archangel's powerful weaponry. All that had mattered to me was where the bridge was. The point was that everyone I wanted to protect was in one place, a place I recognized. But now, by becoming close to Elle, I now had to protect her mother as well, and she was not anywhere close to the bridge knowing my luck.

"No, but I'll find out right away, before I deploy," I promised. "She'll stay safe."

Elle nodded. "Thank you very much. Please don't die."

"That's something I guarantee," I said, and I rubbed her forehead. "Just stay right here. I'll be back soon."

I went into the hallway and let the door slide shut behind me.

The terror was still there, but it was masked somehow, like there was this feeling of ruthlessness and inevitability. The Cagalli I had been was a distant ghost, whose vestiges I could use when I needed to appear more normal. But fighting, and killing, had already changed me.

And it was getting easier. Could I have killed that ZAFT pilot in cold blood if she was the first opponent I was going to kill? Probably not. I would have let her get away. But I had already killed people, already knew what that felt like. And it truly did not feel like a tragedy to do it. Just something I had to do, something to ensure everyone's survival.

I was thinking like a soldier, not a civilian. And that was not the most horrifying part of it.

More and more, Commandant Garcia's observations seemed to apply to me. That's the terrifying part. I was, too easily, getting used to fighting, getting used to killing. Justifying it, for the most basic of all reasons: survival. That's all that this was for, nothing but survival. Not even living.

I was really starting to feel like a monster. I was adapting too well to this, the life of a soldier, the life of someone always in conflict.

I heard a voice then, a familiar voice that I wasn't particularly fond of. "Cagalli! Cagalli!"

It was Flay Allster's voice. While not as high-pitched as Lacus Clyne's, there's something about it that sounds annoying. Maybe "prissy" is the best word to describe it.

I turned towards her. "I kinda have to rush to the hangar bay, Flay. Some other time."

"You don't understand!" Flay shouted.

"Don't yell in my face," I replied.

"Sai says we're going into battle, and one of the ships has my daddy on it!"

Okay, this was news. "Which ship?"

"The flagship!"

"What's the name of it?"

"I, uh, I don't know!"

Great. I was going to have to ask Mu La Flaga for something else, besides the location of the blasted Gottfried. Now I needed to know where Flay's father was.

Why does everyone expect me to be a hero and save everyone? I can't do everything all at once.

"I'll try," I said.

"Cagalli, please! Save my daddy! If you do I'll take back everything I've said about you, like you being manly and a Coordinator and a bitch and stuff."

"Thanks for the reminder," I replied. At least I still had some sarcasm not beaten out of me yet, as bitter as said sarcasm was.

"Please, Cagalli." I seem to have an inability to say "no". "Fine."

"You promise?"

"I guess."

"Cagalli-"

"I promise I'll try, okay? I can't guarantee something like that. All I can promise is that I'll try my hardest, that I'll even make it my first priority, but I can't promise I can save him, I don't even know what I'm up against," I said.

Flay sighed, and her eyes became teary, her voice bitter. "You suck, you know that? I wish Tolle, or Sai, or even Prince Kira was in your position. They would tell me Daddy would be okay."

"Flay-"

"Just leave me alone, Coordinator!"

She started floating away, and I moved to stop her, but then I realized someone was behind me.

It was Mu La Flaga, already in his pilot suit. "Princess, what are you doing?"

"Uh, having a productive conversation?" I asked.

Mu buried his forehead in his palm. "We don't have time for this, princess. We have a three ship group under heavy attack directly in front of, the Bernard Law Montgomery group. If we don't move now we're not going to be able to help them."

"But-" I turned to try to drag Flay back into this conversation, but she was gone, like lightning. I guess Mu scared her or something. Maybe there was a good reason, a lot of the military personnel weren't looking too kindly on the remaining civilians who weren't volunteering to help. Mu didn't seem to be one of them, but I guess Flay had decided that it was better being safe than sorry.

"Never mind," I said. "Which one's the flagship?"

"The Montgomery," Mu said. He cocked an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Just wanted to know," I said. We went down the hallway another few feet before something occurred to me.

"And for the last time, I'm not a princess!"

Mu groaned.


Flay's bitterness was weighing on my mind heavily as the launch sequence again, and I was propelled into outer space. I could've made the promise. It would have made her feel better. But I'm not that kind of person, who makes stupid promises.

Okay, I made stupid promises to Elle. But she's a little girl, and the promises I made were that I wouldn't get shot down, and that the Archangel wouldn't be destroyed.

Oh wait, I kinda-sorta promised I'd protect Elle's mother too.

I'm just a hypocrite, making promises to people I like and driving the hopes of people I don't like into the ground. Flay's eyes were bitter and angry, not just sad. Perhaps even dangerous-looking. Was she going to try something onboard the Archangel? Maybe she was going to volunteer for a gun or something, maybe she was finally going to be useful.

I could only hope.

Mu and the Artemis Mobile Armor pilots quickly followed me, and we launched towards the battle zone. It did not look good.

"Did we make it in time?" I asked.

"I don't know," Mu said. "There's only one ship left, and it's nearly demolished."

I turned on my sensors, and saw there were only four enemy craft. Maybe this was a Pyrrhic victory of sorts for the ZAFT to have only four Mobile Suits left, that this was going to be easy.

Then one of the signatures came up as the Aegis, and my heart sank.

Athrun was here. And if Athrun was here, that meant . . .

"Le Creuset," I said softly.

"It's like you read my mind," Mu said. "Princess, go back and tighten defenses around the Archangel."

That strategy made sense. There was no sign of Le Creuset's ship. It could easily be in ambush somewhere. While the debris belt was lighter where we were at, there was still enough to provide cover for a vessel, as long as the vessel stayed inert.

But before I obeyed, there was something I had to know, before I could follow those orders. "Miriallia, Kuzzey, or whoever's in charge of this thing, what's the last ship standing?"

It was Kuzzey who answered. "Uh, I think it's the Montgomery, Cagalli."

That meant I could not follow those orders.

It was guilt motivating me, guilt over not promising Flay I'd protect her father. Granted, such a promise looked hopeless right now, perhaps even justifying my decision, but that just made me feel worse. Cold, callous.

If there was a tiny chance he was still alive on that flaming hunk of slag . . .

I had no choice.

"I can't follow those orders," I said. "I'm going after the GINNs circling the Montgomery. You and the MAs keep the Aegis busy. There's people still alive on there, I'm not letting them die."

"Wait, you stupid kid! If we're both shot down . . ." Mu shouted, but I had already hit the acceleration, and was charging straight towards the battle.

"Keep the Aegis busy! I'll only need a couple of minutes!" I shouted to him.

I realized, after a moment, that Vasili and Natalya, my wingmates, couldn't understand a word I was saying. I quickly switched to Russian. "Vasili, Natalya, I need the both of you to join La Flaga and distract the Aegis. That's all you two have to do, fly around and annoy it. I'll take care of the GINNs, come back around, and shoot the Aegis down myself."

Vasili's voice was full of trepidation, for good reason. How would you take being ordered to attack a GUNDAM? "Understood, princess. We're on our way."

Great. Mu's habit of calling me "princess" was spreading around the crew like a virus. Now I was getting called "princess" in Russian.

"Thank you, both of you." I was almost at the battle, and got off the com. I was using the Sword Pack, which was the weapon package I was the most comfortable with anyway. I was going to use the Strike's speed and mobility and lodge this sword right down the throats of those GINNs.

As I approached the Montgomery, Athrun forced his way into my com. "Cagalli, what are you doing?"

Damn it Mu, attack him already! "Stay away from me, Athrun!"

"I can't-AAAAGH!" For a split second, I wondered if Athrun had been shot down, but my sensors indicated the Aegis was still intact, that the shooter had managed a glancing blow at best.

Mu and the Mobile Armors had elected to follow my strategy. Not like there was any choice now. Mu was going to have my head after this battle was over.

I charged towards the GINNs, who were circling the Montgomery like a ring of sharks around a sinking boat. They had no clue I was coming, they were so focused on firing their cannons on the glorified slag that the Montgomery had become.

The first kill, then, was the easiest. I just charged forward and cleaved the GINN at the torso, slicing it, and likely the pilot, in half. I didn't stop my momentum, killing was fully on my mind now.

I could take it. I could take killing in cold blood if it was to save somebody. If I saved Flay's father, maybe she wouldn't hate me as much. If I saved more personnel, more soldiers, people who were reduced to just trying to survive now, I could deal with killing. Maybe I'd get a medal. Something to show that what I had done was worth it all.

Nothing's going to change the fact that I am a killer. Nothing will make me forget what I've done. All I could do, all I can do, is, in the heat of battle, is kill. Kill so others can live. That's war. Protect your buddies by killing your enemies.

Don't die for your country, make the other bastard die for his.

The GINNs knew I was coming the moment I destroyed the first one, they immediately backed off from the Montgomery and started shooting at me instead. Which was what I had wanted.

I heard Natalya scream on the com, which was suddenly cut off by static. Athrun got her.

One of my wingmates had already given her life so I could save the Montgomery. I had to work faster. Much faster.

I kept charging, and even let the lasers hit the Strike a couple of times, causing the cockpit to rock violently. But I did not let my momentum or speed abate as I launched towards a second GINN.

He had no time to get out of the way. I cleaved him in half too.

The third one rushed me, just as I heard Vasili scream in a gut-wrenching way before his scream was also cut off. Both of my wingmates were gone now.

I got pissed.

I sliced the GINN more than I needed to. I carved it into little pieces, slicing every appendage and significant section over and over and over until nothing was left but tiny pieces of metal.

They were dead, killed by my orders, killed by Athrun. I had hardly taken the opportunity to know them, those brave pilots who owed me their lives, and threw their lives away to save a glorified piece of slag on my orders.

I wanted to cry over the uselessness of my orders, of my objective. But I had to try. The ship was burning, but it was still intact. Somebody still had to be alive, right?

"Montgomery, this is Cagalli Yamato of the Strike GUNDAM. Do you read me?" I asked.

Silence.

I forced myself to repeat. "Montgomery, this is the Strike GUNDAM. Do you read me?"

Still silence. It was creepy, like I was trying to communicate with the dead inside a coffin.

My voice was choked up, begging. "Montgomery, please, if there's anybody still alive on there-"

The ship suddenly exploded.

I stared.

A massive fireball ripped the ship into two burning pieces, which were both quickly enveloped in flame and exploded as well. Nothing could have survived that. No signs of escape pods. Total obliteration.

I had done this for nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Killed three ZAFT pilots, and sent my wingmates to their deaths, for absolutely nothing.

Flay was not going to get her father back, and I was not going to get my wingmates back.

This had all been for nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

That word floated in my head incessantly. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

NOTHING!

I pounded my cockpit door in rage, in despair, in some strange concoction of emotion I can't describe. I punched it over and over and screamed and cried and finally just leaned back in my seat and wondered what I had done to deserve this. To deserve this reward for all of this death: nothing.

Mu snapped me back to reality. "Princess, stop screaming wherever you are and give me help! The Mobile Armors have all been shot down and-dammit, I've been hit!"

Not him too. I accelerated immediately. "I'm coming, Lieutenant! I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!"

I saw the Aegis. The Moebius Zero was smoking, and Athrun was about to finish Mu off. Athrun was a good pilot, to put Mu on the brink of death, to fight five enemies at once and beat them all.

And he had been the one who had been caught by surprise.

I charged frantically, knowing Athrun would likely notice me coming from a long while away but knowing there was no other way to distract Athrun. If anything, my presence was always a distraction to him. He should turn his eyes off Mu and onto me immediately the moment his sensors caught me.

And the Aegis did turn towards me. "Cagalli?"

Part of me wanted to kill him, and part of me didn't. I was, however, completely and utterly pissed off at him. "Damn you Athrun!"

"Cagalli, wait, stop!"

I rushed him, and and made him dodge and run away from me, allowing Mu to pull back. He fired a few shots, but they were half-hearted, and sloppy, I didn't even need to dodge to miss them.

"Damn you, damn you, damn you! Those were my people you killed!"

"You killed my people too!" Athrun shouted back.

"I was trying to save the people onboard that ship!"

"There was no one left to save, Cagalli! Didn't you see that?"

Being reminded of my worthlessness didn't do anything but make me angrier. "You're the reason why they're all dead! It's all on you, you bastard!"

I kept slashing at him, trying to cleave something off. If Athrun had been a worse pilot, I could've done some damage, but Athrun was no ordinary pilot. He dodged me well, in fact, pretty easily. He could have shot me down if he wanted to, but he was in no mood to do that. His fantasies of getting me back were probably filling his brain.

Or something.

I suddenly heard Murrue shout "Cagalli, emergency retreat! The enemy's main guns are locked onto us!"

"What?" I asked.

"They were hiding in the wreckage of an escort vessel! We need to get out of-" Natarle Badgiruel shouted. I could hear her fumbling with the com, taking it away from a surprised Murrue Ramius.

"There's no time for that!"

Her voice came in on an open channel. "Attention to all ZAFT combatants! This is the Archangel, we are currently holding Ms. Lacus Clyne captive onboard this ship! And by that I mean the daughter of Siegel Clyne, the Chairman of the Supreme Council!"

I could not believe Natarle was playing this game, using Lacus like a bargaining chip, but at the same time, I could understood. Only now did I see where the Vesalius was, and it definitely had the Archangel in its sights.

Natarle continued to speak. "By chance, we discovered her lifepod and took her in for humantarian purposes. If you persist in attacking this ship, Lacus Clyne's safety will not be guaranteed."

Just like that, cold, brutal, and direct. Making it damn clear that Lacus would come to harm some way, some how, if the battle continued. Whether the ZAFT killed her by blowing the Archangel apart or if the Earth Alliance did something inhumane to her, she would come to harm. And Natarle was vicious enough to do the harm personally.

Her words about Lacus haunted me. She didn't like Lacus Clyne either . . .

Would she enjoy that, tormenting, torturing Lacus?

I got the horrifying thought that maybe Natarle was harboring a complete monster inside her stoic yet rough military shell.

Athrun screamed at me, breaking my reverie. "Is this what you're fighting for, Cagalli? These are the people who you want to protect? People who would hold an innocent girl hostage?"

I had no clue how to answer that.

I heard a man's voice then. It was smooth, calculated. I wondered if it was Le Creuset. "Our military does not submit to threats! If she is the daughter of the Supreme Chairman, she should be prepared to die an honorable death in battle rather than go on living as a prisoner."

The cruelty of his words trumped even Natarle's. I nearly laughed as Athrun's point became meaningless. "Oh yes, like your side's any better, Athrun."

This time he was the one who didn't answer.

Natarle replied back, this time clearly taken aback by the man's total lack of concern for Lacus Clyne. "We are not pirates! We will hand Ms. Clyne over in exchange for a temporary cease-fire."

A pause. I wondered if the man would simply decide to let God sort everything out and kill us all. He definitely sounded like the type of cold-blooded individual who would decide such a thing.

And here I thought I was turning into a monster. I didn't know what a monster was.

But, finally, he said "Very well. I will defer to your sensible proposal."

Just like that, the battle was over, and I leaned back against my seat.

Now all of this carnage meant something, albeit something very little.

We had battled for the right for a brief respite from battle.

It was something crappy, something almost meaningless, but it was better than fighting for absolutely nothing, right?

Right?

It didn't feel any better at all.

It didn't change the fact that all of these people had gotten slaughtered, for reasons I couldn't even begin to try to figure out.

In that respect, they truly did die for nothing.

Nothing at all.