I apologize for the delay. I did decide to use the brief hiatus, as I could not get chapter 16 to work right. Battle chapters are more difficult for me than quieter chapters like this one. I can come up with an infinite amount of conversations, but can only come up with so many ways to blow things up, I guess.
JC: We'll see what happens with Tolle and Caglli soon enough. But yes, their feelings are real.
animefan29: Athrun may get it. Someday, sometime . . . or maybe never. And I understand your point. It furthered Rau's aims, but it certainly didn't further the Archangel's aims or Cagalli at all. It is just a demoralizing near-defeat.
Light-Sakura: That's actually by accident because these posts are modified versions of posts I put up on a Gundam site. Certain words get filtered as "ZOINKS" there. I have removed the filtered words from chapter 14 so you can see what Cagalli's really saying.
I'm really trying to drive the point home that all that needs to happen is Cagalli and Kira's position being switched and suddenly Athrun's overtures get eerie. You can understand why Cagalli wasn't defect here, but I was also looking to justify Kira being reluctant to side with Athrun as well. The point is, Athrun just seems creepy. You don't know if you can trust him.
cagallifangurl: I believe Kira + Athrun X island = slash fiction paradise. XD
littlemssstrawberry: You'll get an idea of why Flay's, well, Flay in this chapter. I hope Flay comes across as a little more sympathetic here.
Here we go!
Chapter Fifteen: Ill Communication
"You did a good job trying to avoid me, but that's over with, princess! You and I need to have a serious discussion over who's following the orders and who's giving them!"
I couldn't dodge the inevitable harsh lecture from Lieutenant Mu La Flaga forever. As it was, I was lucky to avoid Mu after the battle the day previous, and even managed to dodge him all morning until he finally caught me by the mess hall.
"I don't need to hear it," I said softly. I knew full well what he was going to say, and he, of course, was gonna be right.
Mu just shook his head. "Yes, you do. We're not safe yet. We don't know how long it'll be until we're safe. Until we're safe, and you civilians can go, you need to follow the chain of command. You are a civilian, and I have fought through this entire war."
"I know that," I said.
Mu sighed. "I know it's been a rough two weeks. It's February 8th. This whole debacle started on January 25th. We had Lacus Clyne onboard for three or four days, don't remember which. We had to search Junius Seven. There was Artemis. You've had to kill people. And I know the deaths of the Russians are weighing on you. But you need to hear this, Cagalli."
I knew what kind of lecture he was going to give me, and I wanted to snap at him, tell him I didn't want to hear it. But at the same time, if I just let him talk, the lecture, that would tell me everything I already knew, it would be over with, and I could go on with my life, and continue to feel guilty forever and ever.
"You can't let the battle become any more personal than the matter of your own life and death. That is already a lot to bear. Trying to put someone else's problems on top of yours is a recipe for disaster. I know why you tried to rush to the Montgomery, why you tried to save it. I know you were trying to save the Allster girl's father. It's a heroic thing to do. But it got four pilots killed, four pilots we desperately needed, and even including the GINNs you terminated that is an unfavorable casualty rate."
Mu sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Now it's just the two of us again. If either one of us goes down, that leaves just one of us on his or her own. How long do you think the lone survivor can keep fighting out there, with everything the ZAFT has swarming him or her?"
"Not very long," I said.
"Probably even less time than that. I saw what happened when you were swarmed the first time, one of those Mobile Suits was going to try to carry you away. Unless you want to become a ZAFT P.O.W., where your only escape would likely be volunteering for the ZAFT and fighting until you're shot down, you need to follow the orders of people who've actually seen battle, who know what we're up against. Subverting the chain of command is just going to get everyone killed, princess."
"Why do you keep calling me 'princess'? It's driving me crazy!"
Mu facepalmed. "Not the point, princ-erm, Cagalli. Has anything I said gotten through to you?"
"Yes, I must follow orders, or we all die in the vacuum of space."
Mu sighed again. "I suppose that's close enough. You need to get a better attitude about this, princess."
I decided not to bite his head off over the "princess" thing at the last second. That was just going to make this lecture even longer, and probably even more aggravating.
"Yes, sir."
"At the same time, you're still a civilian, so I'm not going to say anything more. If you were a soldier, you'd be liable for a court-martial. Plus, nothing changes the fact that we still need you in the Strike. But you need to understand that your actions have consequences, and if the Aegis had managed to shoot me down as well, you'd be defending the Archangel by yourself. How would that work out in the end?"
"Not very well," I said, knowing there was no other answer to give.
"That's an understatement." Mu sighed. "Just follow our orders. We know what we're doing, and we're going to get everybody home." "Yes, sir," I said.
"Don't pull a stunt like that again," Mu said, and he left me, and just as I expected, he had said everything I had expected him to say.
I had screwed up, rushed into a battle I had no business being in, all in a futile attempt to save someone's life. That battle could have come out even worse than it did. What if Creuset had managed to destroy the Archangel? What would have happened to me then?
I would've been taken prisoner by that man. And he did not seem like the kind of man who put welfare of prisoners high on the priority list. After all, he had seemed tempted to kill Lacus Clyne to kill the rest of us. What kind of man would consider killing the daughter of his nation's leader just to take out a ship? Did the man have any kind of humanity, or, failing that, any sense of self-preservation or of the long-term consequences of his actions?
He had destroyed Heliopolis, and ended the lives of anyne not prudent enough to make it to a lifeboat, just to take the GUNDAM machines. It was an action that could have dragged Orb into this war. Maybe Orb no longer existed for all I knew. We hadn't had communication with anybody since Heliopolis. We were still completely cut off.
Orb had to know their prince was out here somewhere. Had they already given up on him, on all of us, as lost?
It seemed more likely now. Maybe Mom and Dad were already planning my funeral service, or even had hosted it by now. Everyone had to be losing hope back home, if they hadn't lost it already.
Had my name been moved to the "Missing, Presumed Dead" list? Or maybe they just moved me straight to the "Confirmed Dead" list because any remaining survivors from Heliopolis surely would have stopped streaming in by now.
I couldn't imagine how my parents felt right now.
Suddenly Mu popped in around the corner. "Wait, I just thought of a suitable punishment for you."
"Huh?" I asked stupidly.
"Toilet duty for the entire week." Mu handed me an empty bucket and dry mop. "Get to it, kid."
"Thanks, sir," I said. Okay, this had been something I hadn't predicted.
On one hand, it was nice to know I wasn't always right. On the other . . .
Toilet duty. Just . . . toilet duty.
Argh.
I was comforted to know that I was n't alone in my suffering. Miriallia and Sai had been dumped to toilet duty with me. And surprisingly, so was Flay, though she should have been exempt considering she had opted to stay a civilian. She glared at me angrily and then started scrubbing one of the toilets, grumbling about something or other, likely about me.
Miriallia edged up towards me. "She's not happy. Tolle suggested that she should volunteer to keep busy, and Natarle overheard. She thought it would be a great idea and 'volunteered' Flay on the spot."
"Sounds fun. She hates us even more now," I said.
Miriallia shrugged. "Sai volunteered so Flay wouldn't work alone, and I volunteered for toilet duty so you wouldn't have to work alone with these two glaring at you all of the time."
I smiled at her. "Thanks. That means a lot."
Miriallia smiled back, though it was a tad enigmatic. "No problem. That's what friends are for."
I was developing suspicions whether Miriallia was a true friend or just pretending to be so she could compete for Tolle. I shoved them aside here, of course. Why would anyone want toilet duty? Miriallia didn't seem to be calculating person, someone who would strategize her moves. She had to be a real friend, didn't she?
At the third bathroom, Flay did a freak-out and started banging her mop on top of one of the toilet heads while yelling gibberish until it broke, and then she broke down sobbing in Sai's arms. It almost was hilarious to witness. Almost.
Flay, in her purple naval uniform, undecorated just like all of the other Orb civilians who had volunteered, with her hair tied back messily, crying and sobbing and looking like the world had crashed upon her, didn't seem like the old Flay anymore. She was different. The superficial issues that she focused upon didn't seem to matter anymore. Her old life had vanished with the death of her father. The innocence she had was no longer permitted.
What made any vestige of a smile appear on my face when Flay broke down was gone when she collapsed into Sai's arms, crying. There had to be so much anger, so much sadness, so many feelings of helplessness churning inside of her that there was no release. She had nowhere to channel it, and clearly she could not suppress it. Her pain is the kind of pain that clutches you from the inside out, crushing you inside an incessant pressure until you just burst open.
It was then when I realized, irrevocably, that Flay was truly a human being, not a physical embodiment of torment directed towards yours truly.
After Flay was done crying, Sai went to get a replacement mop, leaving just Miriallia and I working by ourselves, as Flay just sat there, a hollow look in her eyes. She stared at me then, and the look of her eyes, while not necessarily hostile, was so eerie and soulless that I had to look away from her and concentrate on my work.
A few minutes passed, and Sai still hadn't returned. Flay continued to sit on the floor, staring at the wall, or staring at us whenever we happened to work in front of her. Finally, she spoke, which both relieved some of the stress in the room.
"This is all your fault," Flay said softly.
Miriallia sighed. "Flay, you and I both know Cagalli did her best. I mean, she's in trouble for trying to save your father. You have to realize that, right?"
"She didn't try hard enough," Flay grumbled.
"I did everything I could," I said. "When I tried to contact the ship, there was no answer. Finally, it just exploded in front of me. They were all dead before we got there, Flay."
"That's not true!" Flay stood up and grabbed me and shoved me against the wall. I could have resisted, but in this situation, it's better not to retaliate. Flay wanted to start a fight, I could see it in her eyes. And if I beat her up it would only justify her anger towards me. "That's not true! Daddy wouldn't die so easily He's not that kind of person!"
Miriallia tried to shove herself between us and only partially succeeded. "Flay, there's no point to this! Please, Flay, you have to calm down!"
"We should never have trusted her, Miriallia!" Flay yelled. "Even if she's trying to kill her fellow Coordinators, she's only in this for herself! She isn't worried about anyone else!"
That struck a nerve with me. I had made multiple promises to protect people. To say I wasn't worried about anyone else hurt as much as a slap to the face, possibly even more.
But again, I can't fully blame Flay for saying those things. As far as she knew, Coordinators were the enemy. How could any of them have the best interests of a ship full of Naturals at heart?
I was really regretting that everyone had found out I was the Strike's pilot, causing the logical deduction that I was a Coordinator. Not that there could've been any way to hide that fact for long. Eventually, my secret would've been out and I'd be in this situation, where I am an outcast on the ship I'm trying to protect.
Miriallia, thankfully, chose to speak for me. "Have you seen Cagalli fight, Flay? She's doing everything she can! Now leave her alone! You can sit there and mope if you want but these bathrooms aren't going to clean themselves."
Flay glared at her, and then looked back at me with her furious, tear-stricken eyes. "I want my daddy back. Those Coordinators took him away from me. Give him back to me."
"I can't do that," I said. "You know that. I'm sorry."
"You're not sorry," Flay said. "I know your type, Cagalli Yamato. I know you hate me. It must feel good to you to know I have no parents anymore . . . no family waiting for me when we finally get back to Orb, if we get back to Orb."
I had forgotten that Flay's mother had died before the current conflict had broken out.
Sai, mercifully, showed up then with a new mop. "Whoa, what the hell's going on here?"
Flay finally separated from me with a growl and stomped towards Sai. "Just give me the stupid mop."
She yanked it out of his hands and starting washing the floor with a vigor I had never expected out of Flay. She could not keep it up and started grabbing her back behind long, and finally her arms, and finally she dropped the mop, leaned against the wall, and just rested her head against it, pounding her fist against the wall a couple of times.
No one seemed to know what to say. Despite being pinned against the wall by the girl just moments before, and that I could hurt more than help, I knew the onus was on me to try to help Flay.
The girl was clearly devestated, and if something wasn't done she was going to go crazy, and that meant more stuff like Lacus being taken hostage.
"Look," I said, "I'm sorry I couldn't save your father. I did everything I could. I got both of my wingmates killed trying to save him. I killed three Coordinators to save him. There was nobody alive on that ship when we got here."
"You're lying," Flay whispered.
"You want someone to blame? Blame the ZAFT pilots who killed your father, who I happened to kill! Blame the Aegis! Blame the captain for not arriving here fast enough! Blame me for not killing them fast enough! It's not going to solve anything and all you're doing is beating yourself up!" I shouted.
Sai went to Flay, and softly gripped her shoulders, and Flay seemed to melt in his arms. Sai looked towards me. His eyes weren't hateful, but they weren't sympathetic either. "Cagalli, I know you're trying to help, but . . ."
"Yeah," I said, knowing Sai didn't need to say anything more.
After toilet duty came to an end, we all went our separate ways. Miriallia went up to the bridge, Sai and Flay went off somewhere together. Flay didn't look like she was completely in this reality, like something was trying to pull her soul elsewhere. She had drifted in and out of the job, sometimes putting in a fast, furious effort, other times going through the motions, and the majority of the time just standing around, staring into space.
Look, you can say whatever you want about Flay. She's a snarky, cutting bitch. Whatever. It was very clear she loved her father, and he was the world to her, and without him she was devestated and directionless. I hoped Sai would be able to steer her in a good direction, where she could find something resembling happiness.
I wasn't going to be able to take her in a good direction. I was just a reminder of her loss, of the failure to prevent her father's death. I realized it would be best to avoid her for the rest of our stay onboard the Archangel. Let her grieve without giving her any sharp, painful reminders. I would still have to interact with her on toilet duty, but every other hour, I could try to leave her alone.
Since Flay had no reason to head into the hangar, that's where I chose to go. I figured Prince Kira would be hanging around in there, tinkering with the O.S. like it was his own personal pet project. Hell, at this point it pretty much had become his pet project.
And there he was, sitting in the cockpit like always, running some random algorithm. He looked up from his work when I opened the hatch from the outside. "Oh, hi."
"Hi yourself," I said. I leaned in, and looked at the seemingly incomprehensible code. "What the heck is that?"
"I'm trying to make the battery more efficient. Trying to squeeze a few more minutes out of it. The captain was emphatic on that. You're running the Strike too close to empty."
"Well, gee, I have to, like, shoot things. Of course I'm gonna drain it!"
Kira chuckled. "Yeah, but you have a tendency to waste too much power. You accelerate off and on instead of moving at a steady pace, which kills the battery, and when you have a rifle you have a tendency to use a gaming tactic: 'spray 'n' pray'."
"'Spray 'n' pray'?"
"Yeah. You just do this rapid-fire thing and pray you hit the bad guy," Kira said. "Militaries strongly discourage this tactic for obvious reasons. You're wasting ammunition, and a lot of energy on your part, and it's more likely you'll hit nothing or a friendly than the bad guy. You're getting away with it because the only friendly you've had most of the time is Mu La Flaga. Once we have dozens of friendlies around us, spray 'n' pray isn't going to go over too well."
"For a civilian prince you know your military tactics," I said.
Kira smiled. "My teacher used to be a soldier, she taught me a few things."
"Oh yeah, Erica Simmons, right?"
"Yeah, that's her." Kira shuddered. "Her military lessons were worse than her programming lessons. God."
"They were that traumatic?"
Kira just gave me a look.
Something tells me I'm not going to enjoy meeting her."
Kira just started laughing and left me to stare at him in disbelief.
Kira finally stopped. "You'll wind up meeting her, trust me on this. After what you've been doing, Ms. Simmons will move heaven and earth and the whole solar system to get ahold of you. She's going to want to know how a pilot adjusts to the O.S., how . . . I could go on for hours and just scratch the surface. It's best that I don't explain."
I wasn't sure whether to be happy Kira was stopping there, or be extremely nervous. No matter what, the image of Erica Simmons grew more frightening.
I admit it, I was envisioning this musclebound woman in an overly-strict business suit, with cruel glasses on a steely face, and this deep voice bellowing orders and instructions into poor Kira's face.
I started shaking slightly at the thought of this hopefully-fictitious depiction and thought of something, anything, to get the image out of my head. "Uh, has the captain given you any updates?"
"Huh?" Kira asked.
"You are the Prince of Orb. I thought you were privy to what Murrue and the others have planned."
"Oh yeah. Lieutenant Ramius gave me a report this morning."
Kira scratched his head as he struggled to remember. "Well . . . I don't know whether to tell you this, but we've managed to find an allied fleet beyond the debris belt. Communications were patchy, we're still in the belt so there's interference, but we managed to get in touch with the Sixth Fleet for a moment."
"The Sixth? Isn't that Admiral Halberton's fleet?" I asked.
Kira nodded. "Yes. We didn't get to speak to him personally, though, and what we were able to get only lasted a few minutes. We're trying to take the fastest way out of the belt so we can work out a rendezvous point. But the Sixth Fleet knows we're alive and we're on the way."
A gleeful thought went through my head. "That means people are gonna know we're not dead!"
Kira smiled. "Yeah. Ramius did drop a mention that there are Orb civilians onboard, along with some Artemis personnel. Hopefully that'll get passed on."
"Your father's going to be so happy," I said.
Kira's eyes grew more distant. "He'll be happy I'm alive, but he's going to be angry, too."
"Why?" I asked.
"I should never have gotten involved in this. I'm risking a major diplomatic incident that could affect Orb's neutrality. I've spent weeks in danger, and could have easily gotten killed on Heliopolis. I'm definitely going to get a lecture out of this, from my father, and then from Ms. Simmons."
"You had no choice, though," I said. "The shelters were all full up there, at least, I think they were. You made the right decision to come with us. I mean, you're still alive, right?"
Kira's smile grew shaky. "That can change at any time. Lieutenant La Flaga made sure to point this out to me: that if we are indeed approaching the Eighth Fleet, ZAFT will make at least one more go at us before we're safe."
That made my heart sank. Here I was, thinking I was done with the fighting, that all I needed to do was hold on to my precarious situation with Flay and I was going to get through this safe and sound. Heady thoughts of seeing my parents again rushed through my head. I had never missed them so much as I did right that second.
"So, I'm going to have to make one more sortie."
"Definitely one, in Lieutenant La Flaga's opinion. Possibly two if we're unlucky or if ZAFT concentrate their forces."
Kira sighed. "Look, ZAFT is running out of opportunities to catch us, and they have to know it. It won't be long before they know we're coming up to the Sixth Fleet, if they didn't already. They will make one last go at it. Might even try it twice. Can you do that, Cagalli? Fight in this thing again? I know the last battle was hard on you."
I already knew the answer to his question before he finished talking. "Look, it's just nice knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel, all right? And it's not a train coming to squish me. That's all I need to know. Fight them one last time, kick their asses, link up with the fleet, we go home."
Kira's smile grew more warm. "Yeah, that sounds about right."
"I can handle one more fight," I said. "I don't care if it's Athrun or his three stooges that come after me for the last fight, or if they all try. I'm not letting everyone die, not when we're so close."
Kira placed his hand on my left shoulder. "That's good. You stay strong. We're going to make it through this."
The sensation of his hand on my shoulder felt strange. It was like I had known him, or should have, for years. I wanted him to be closer, and yet I wanted to push him away. It was undescribable.
"Yeah," I said. "We will."
But saying you'll do something and actually doing it are two entirely different things.
Words are words. They're easy to say. Actions are a lot harder to do.
Actions have consequences.
And if I committ the wrong actions, there will be horrific consequences.
I was not ready to see what those horrific consequences were.
I think that's why I lost myself in the next battle.
