Happy New Year!

Sorry, no time for individual replies, not if the post is going to happen today. But I will say that I chose the "Yeley" middle name for Kira because I felt that "Yula" sounded too feminine for a boy. At the same time, I wanted something fairly similar and found the name of a random NASCAR driver named J.J. Yeley. That worked out pretty well. All of this is an IMO though.

EDIT: A couple of minor errors fixed. Thanks for the catch WritingKnightmare.


Chapter Twenty-Six: Just a Girl

My stare must have been something searing, because after a couple of seconds Kira could not hold his gaze. His voice was soft, apologetic. "I've never heard anyone sound like that before. Not even Badgiruel at her worst comes close."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked. "We are right in front of Tolle. I don't want him to hear this."

"He's looking at the Skygrasper simulator, he's not paying attention to us," Kira replied. "And don't change the subject."

"I don't want to talk about this," I said, and I moved to get past him. "If we're going to discuss this, let's make it tomorrow. I need a shower and sleep."

Kira's words, however, proved more resonant than I expected, they made me stop in my tracks. "The war's changing you, Cagalli. I don't want it to change you more than it already has. You let this war transform you any further, you could become worse than the people you are fighting."

"Stop it," I said, barely remembering in time to keep my voice low so Tolle wouldn't hear me. The last thing I needed was him listening to this conversation. "Stop talking like this. I'm not a monster."

"I'm not saying you are," Kira said. "But I can see the look in your eyes. I've seen that look on many Orb veterans of previous wars. Whatever you went through in Tassil . . ."

"Enough," I said, having heard way too much. "We can talk about this tomorrow. I want a shower and sleep. Whatever look I have in my eyes, it's probably because I never got to sleep in Tassil."

"But-"

"Kira, I'm not going to listen to you. Just fix the Strike like you always do. We're all out here in the desert, now I have to keep doing my job. I have to protect everyone."

"I'm just worried about you," Kira said. "I'm at least thinking about what it is like for you to be out there fighting."

That made me snap. I was still aware enough to know not to yell, I didn't want anyone else's attention bearing down on me. I got up right in Kira's face, which startled him and actually made him back away a step.

"Don't, Kira. Just don't. You have no idea what it is like to be 'out there fighting'," I hissed. "No one will, no one other than another pilot. So keep your smart mouth shut and leave me alone. Save your sympathy and pity for someone who wants to hear it. Maybe Flay Allster would be interested."

I stomped away from him before he could try to answer.

Damn Kira. Why did he need to come up to me and say that? Say those words? As if I didn't have enough on my plate already! I was already terrified enough over seeing the seed a second time! Did Kira want me to stress out to the point where my hair would begin falling out?

The stress from using the Strike was already getting to me. I did not need any further stress to bother me outside the Strike. War is terror and boredom mixed in this unholy concoction and I had way too much terror and not enough boredom. I needed more boredom. I needed rest. I needed to sleep on this ship and not wake up for a while.

I needed to see the rest of my friends.

I did not need to hear that I could be turning into a monster.

Then all I would do is want to stay away from them, in case I wound up harming them.

Like hell I was going to do that! Isolating myself would just make everything worse!

So what if no one could understand what it was like to fly that thing! At least they cared! At least they didn't think I was a monster!

Stupid prince.

I nearly walked right past Tolle, who wastrying to fly the Skygrasper simulator. I turned to my left and watched him try to complete a mission for a little bit. As I watched the mission unfold, I felt an ache rise in my chest as I saw Tolle try to get out of several dogfights and try to complete his primary objective: taking out a BuCUE squadron preparing to assault Earth Alliance forces near Panama.

Each missile and laser that was shot at Tolle made my heart ache even more, to the point where it felt like I was skipping beats. My imagination was taking control, I was seeing this as Tolle fighting for real. And Tolle's fairly clumsy reactions, and finally putting the Skygrasper into a stall, sent shivers down my spine and I covered up my mouth lest I distract him and have him get shot down.

I was witnessing a simulation of my boyfriend being shot down and killed.

Tolle could not pull out of a stall in time to dodge a flurry of missiles fired by a ZAFT ground battery. Multiple missiles slammed into his machine and the screen went dark for several seconds.

The screen blared "MISSION FAILED". Underneath that a "MISSION GRADE: F" emanated. All in flashing white and red.

Tolle leaned his head next to the headrest. "Aw, crap. I thought I had it that time."

I couldn't see this as a game where Tolle had merely failed and had to use up a life or a continue to retry. I saw this as an example of what would happen to Tolle if he actually passed the simulator and wound up flying a Skygrasper for real. He stood no chance, especially if he wound up against a GUNDAM! I had already gotten four pilots killed needlessly over having them try to take Athrun on.

I had to get Tolle out of this virtual cockpit before he wound up in a real one.

"Tolle, please, that's enough," I said. I was surprised by how shaken up I sounded. It wasn't just because of Kira, or merely because of what happened in the simulation. No, as I spoke, I realized why I sounded that way.

I was picturing Tolle being shot down for real.

No, not just by anyone. By Athrun.

Athrun cleaving Tolle's head clean off before the Skygrasper exploded into flames.

At that point, I never loved Tolle more or hated Athrun more. That image was enough to evoke a confused yet passionate plethora of emotions that I walked right next to Tolle and pulled him out of the seat and embraced him tightly.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Cagalli what's . . . oh."

"Please." I realized I was beginning to beg, and even though that felt pathetic there was no way for me to keep from sounding that way. "Don't do this anymore. Tolle, stay away from the simulator, please."

"Hey, it's not like it's for real," Tolle said.

"I don't care. I know you, Tolle. You'll get good enough that they're going to want to send you out there. I won't let that happen. You have to stay safe at the bridge."

"Are you serious?" Tolle asked. "This is just for-"

"Tolle, please!"

Tolle looked absolutely stunned for a moment.

"Please," I begged. I felt something hot and wet drip down my cheek and I knew I was beginning to cry again. Unlike meeting Tolle just minutes ago, these tears felt embarrassing, ridiculous, and I could not meet his gaze. I let go of him and turned around, and I felt like I wanted to go crawl in a corner and waste away because I felt so stupid.

"Please stay where I can protect you," I managed to say.

"Cagalli . . . probably by the time we get back home I still won't be good enough to fly," Tolle said. "This is just a time-waster."

"That's not it! We have no idea how long we're still going to be out here! We could be out here for months, Tolle!"

I looked at him, and realized he still didn't understand. He really couldn't fathom the consequences of what he was doing.

"I-If something happens, Tolle, and if t-they n-need people to fly the . . . the other Skygraspers, they'll . . . they'll, you know, call up the people who s-scored best on the simulator. And if that's you . . ."

I gave up on him trying to understand and turned back around, facing away from Tolle. "Whatever. Do what you want. I guess war is still a game to you."

I ran.

"Hey, Cagalli, wait!" Tolle yelled, but I didn't want to hear him.

The Archangel had suddenly become this impossible maze. I didn't know where I was going, nor did I care. I just wanted a corner far away from the idiot who wanted to fly.

Finally I stumbled into an empty bedroom and collapsed right behind the door. I leaned against the wall and hugged my knees and wished with everything I had that no one would find me, so I could just cry alone.

Why? I asked myself endlessly. Why does he not understand? He can't go out there! If he does he'll get killed for sure! Why doesn't he see that?

I wanted to hit the floor, hit the wall, hit the beds besides me, hit myself. Anything to get the frustration out of my system, anything to take my mind off Tolle.

But guess who would come in other than Tolle himself?

He was breathless. "Geez, Cagalli!"

"Leave me alone!" I shouted, but I couldn't even bring myself to flinch when he sat down by me and he rubbed my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I won't fly the simulator. I had no idea it would freak you out so much. I'll stay away from it if it'll make you feel better, okay?"

That was only part of the point, and a minor one at that. Tolle still didn't get it. He still couldn't comprehend actually becoming good enough that he'd become a viable pilot candidate particularly if this ship got desperate. He could not make that leap from clowning around on the simulator to fighting for real.

I stammered a couple of times, then took a deep breath. I had to talk coherently. Blubbering wasn't going to help him understand. And blubbering wasn't like me either. I had cried way too many times that day as it was.

"I don't want you to fight. Not in the way I do," I said, barely managing to keep my voice from trembling out of control.

"I know, I know," Tolle said, and he held me close.

"I'm so tired. Tired of fighting. I just want a break," I said. I felt dizzy all of a sudden, or maybe drowsy? Maybe a combination of both? Maybe my freakout had taken the last remnant of my energy away and now my body wanted to shut down and collapse.

"Hopefully nothing will happen, Cagalli," Tolle said. He sounded so far away . . .

"I'm tired . . . tired of . . ."

Of . . .

I guess the best answer was that I was tired of everything.

But I didn't say that to Tolle. By the time the thought popped in my head, I was gone. The world had gone black.

And I fell into the tapestry of a nightmare.


I didn't remember the nightmare that I had. It wasn't like the Garcia nightmare. This one was far less vivid. It had been hazy, surreal, and seemed to involve spruce trees with knives for needles. Lastly, there had been blood, blood everywhere. On me, or someone else, I didn't know. But it was something that scared me, scared me to the point where I gasped awake and shot up in the bed I was in, nearly banging my head against the mattress above me.

I grabbed my head and forced myself to breathe. I had already forgotten whatever had scared me to death, but that was helpful. That meant that without an idea of what I had been scared of, it would be easier to get over myself and be able to live out my day.

A voice from my right. "Glad to see you're back."

I turned to the right, and I saw Miriallia sitting by my bed.

I moved part of the covers off of me. "How did I . . .?"

"Tolle carried you here. He spent hours watching you before I made him go to bed and said I'd watch you instead. Just in case you got up," Miriallia said.

Tolle had carried me? I suddenly felt weak and useless. I had never been carried by anyone since I had been a small girl! Why did he . . .

Oh wait. I had fallen asleep in his arms. Of course he'd move me. Tolle was a nice guy. He wasn't going to let me sleep on the floor.

Though I didn't think . . .

Wait a minute.

"He had help carrying me, didn't he?"

Miriallia smiled. "Yes. He begged me not to tell you though."

"Who?"

"Does it really matter, Cagalli? Don't you like need a shower or food or something?"

"Y-Yeah," I said. I wasn't happy about being reminded of that, because now I felt absolutely ravenous, even for typical Archangel slop.

"Yeah," I repeated, and got up from the bed with a sense of purpose. "Uh, do I have a . . ."

"Your uniform's right in the drawer."

"Thank you." I walked over and grabbed it. "I'll see you in the cafeteria."

"Yeah, will do."

I walked out of the room and walked right towards the showers. I had wanted to get away from Miriallia. It just felt creepy being watched by her. Was it because Badgiruel had admitted to me that Miriallia was the primary suspect for the murder of Elle's mother? Was it because I just had this feeling that my best friend was not so?

Or was it because I was afraid of the conversation going to places I didn't want it to go, like what had happened to me in Tassil?

Maybe it was both.

I just could not be sure anymore.

War was killing my trust.


I still could not find Elle, not before I wound up in the cafeteria and surrounded by my Orb friends. I listened to them regale me with the stories of re-entering the Earth's atmosphere, landing right here in the desert after they couldn't reach me, and then linking up with Desert Dawn.

Kuzzey in particular had admiration for Desert Dawn. "They just came in like badasses. A trio of BuCUEs came after us and they detonated mines and blew them all up. If that isn't a way to make an entrance I don't know what is."

"You are aware people died in those BuCUEs," I said.

Sai shook his head. "Better them than us. They're soldiers, they know what they're getting into. We're civilians just trying to go home."

"Are you saying you're fine with letting them die?" I asked.

"If I had to choose between them and you, I'd choose them," Sai said. "You die we're all screwed."

"I'm not that important," I said.

"The captain, La Flaga, and Badgiruel don't see it that way," Miriallia said. "They were desperate to find you. Especially Badgiruel."

The thought of Natarle Badgiruel being in a desperate panic proved to be an impossible visual. "Are you serious?"

"Badgiruel kept talking about calling in favors on the bridge," Kuzzey said. "I've been hearing Badgiruel may have been in special forces or something."

I was suddenly reminded of those special op soldiers in the streets of Tassil, sent specifically to find me. It made sense, except that Badgiruel wasn't of the rank where she could call in favors . . . unless she had impressed a particular superior officer.

Then again, a Coordinator fighting for the Earth Alliance would prove worthy of favors, wouldn't it?

"Is the Strike back?" I asked.

"It got loaded up a couple of hours ago," Sai said. "The prince's been practically living in it ever since."

That did not surprise me at all. After the way I had blown up at him, Kira probably needed to focus upon his work so he wouldn't snap at me the next time I saw him. Though Kira was hardly the kind to snap, perhaps the better word would be brood. That was something that was in Kira.

Tolle showed up then. "Cagalli! Are you feeling better?"

"Plenty," I said. While I wasn't completely rejuvenated, being back in normal gravity was helping my psyche, and having water and food made me feel human. I was still exhausted, my sleep had not been restful, but it had been better than nothing. But I was going to need another long night asleep, hopefully without another nightmare, before I would feel rested.

"Is what happened last night . . .?"

"Just stay away from the simulator, Tolle."

Tolle sighed. "I said I'll do it."

"How does the simulator work anyway?" Miriallia asked.

Tolle explained. "Basically you need to get five straight 'A' rankings in order to qualify for flying the Skygrasper for real. You're not supposed to be combat ready yet, but you're considered capable of going into real training. And in order to get an 'A' in the first place you pretty much have to be flawless. Just a minor mistake, even if you finish the mission and complete the objectives, can result in a 'B'."

"That sounds like a lot of work," Kuzzey moaned. He looked up at the ceiling. "I was considering seeing how far I could get, but if you have to do something like that . . ."

"I was told it's nearly impossible to qualify for training just by doing the simulator," Tolle said. "You pretty much have to be perfect."

"I bet even Cagalli couldn't pass the simulator immediately," Miriallia said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, surprised that Miriallia would say that. "If I can fly a GUNDAM I can fly a Skygrasper."

"Yeah, but I mean, you didn't set out to be a pilot," Miriallia said. "Even with your reflexes I think it would take a while."

"Probably," I said, knowing that Miriallia was probably right. My amateur mistakes piloting the Strike illustrated my flaws and inexperience. I'd probably fail the Skygrasper simulation if I tried it now, especially since the Strike was incredibly different from the Skygrasper. It'd be like learning to fly all over again.

I tried to smile. "But I'd pass eventually. If the Strike isn't repaired in time then I'll have to pass the simulator and fly a Skygrasper. Somebody's gotta go out there and it has to be me."

"Aren't you the martyr," Kuzzey sighed.

"Look, I don't want any of you to go out there fighting, I-"

"Cagalli!"

I could recognize that voice even from a mile off.

I spun around and got up from the table immediately. "Elle!"

She ran towards me and hugged my waist, and I held her the best I could despite standing up. It was enough to make me feel like I had suddenly been turned into Elle's mom.

That felt strange. Had I become so important to Elle that she needed me the way she needed a parent? Was it because I promised to protect her? Or spent all that time with her?

Or was it because I was the only person who was guaranteed to not have killed her mother?

"I knew you'd come back. I knew you'd come back. You're not done protecting us from the Coordinators yet."

"I am a Coordinator, Elle," I corrected as calmly as I could.

"Yeah but you're better than the others. Flay says so."

Instantly, alarm bells went off in my head and I looked up from the top of Elle's head and looked for Flay. And there she was, in uniform and with her fire-engine red hair, standing just a few feet away from the table.

"Oh, did she?" I asked, unable to keep all suspicion out of my voice.

"Yeah. She says that you're the good Coordinator and you're going to make sure the bad ones don't touch us. Like one must've touched Mommy."

It wasn't just alarm bells this time. Now it was an air-raid siren going off in my head.

Damn it, Flay. You have to poison this kid's mind?

Sai intervened. He knew me well enough to know I was ready to blow. "Look, Cagalli, Flay's just trying to-"

And I knew Sai well enough to know whatever explanation he came up with was not going to help. "Sai, do me a favor and shut up."

"Okay." Sai sighed and sat back down.

"What's wrong?" Elle asked.

"I'm going to have a nice long talk with Flay. Hang out with Tolle and Miriallia for a while, okay?" I asked.

"Uh, sure," Elle asked, her voice both concerned and confused. There was no time to explain to Elle, but now I was sure I was not going to let Flay near her anymore. Flay had made her prejudices known and I was not going to tolerate them anywhere around an impressionable and innocent girl.

Flay knew she was in trouble because she had already turned around and tried to slink away as my attention had shifted to Sai and Elle. But there was no escape. I marched right up to her at the edge of the cafeteria and she stopped.

"What? Here to tell me you own the place now?" Flay asked bitterly.

"No," I said.

"Then what is it? Are you going to try to preach peace, love, and understanding or some B.S.?"

"No," I repeated.

I wondered how to confront Flay. Just flat-out telling her to stay away from Elle wasn't going to help things. She had to be the one who killed Elle's mother, there was no one else! I couldn't come up with a motivation for her but she had hung around the crime scene like a killer admiring her work would! She had no right to hang around the kid!

As I was about to speak, I realized something important. Flay has no role on this ship. Other than being a custodian, and there were plenty of people who were doing that.

Flay's hands were idle. And idle hands . . . well, you know the saying.

I was going to need to find something for Flay to do. But what?

"Well?" Flay asked, her eyes narrowing.

Then it came to me. The thing that I didn't want Tolle to do . . . was perfect.

"Come with me," I said.

"Oh yeah? Where?" Flay asked, folding her arms.

"Do you want the Coordinators to die?" I ask.

"They killed my father, Cagalli," Flay growled. "And there's no one willing to avenge him."

I guess that could be taken as a "yes". As I listened to Flay, the rest of my plan formed in my head. I knew where to lead this conversation.

"You want the power to make a difference, don't you? You want to kill Coordinators. I can show you how to do that. And you won't be wasting time on this ship ever again."

Flay's eyes widened. "Wait, what?"

I had her. Now to make sure it stayed that way.

"There's something in the hangar that I want to show you . . ."


I led Flay right to the hangar. In the distance, the Strike GUNDAM was already here, being worked on by what seemed to be a small army of workers. It looked like Kira was in full control, instructing people around and having Kojiro Murdoch yell at people when things weren't going according to plan.

Flay stared, dumbstruck, at the Skygrasper simulator. "You must be joking."

"If you want to avenge your father so bad, take it into your own hands to do so because I can't and neither can Mu La Flaga," I said. "We have other things to do."

Flay glared at me. "I won't do this, Cagalli! I'll just get killed!"

"You're doing nothing on this ship other than cleaning toilets, Flay!" I said. "All you're doing is stewing in your anger and hatred. Use it rather than drown in it. Learn how to fly. Learn how to fight."

"This is a joke," Flay growled, but her eyes looked away from me. She knew I was right.

"I need help out there," I said. "Mu La Flaga and I can't protect the Archangel from this 'Desert Tiger' without another pilot or two. We have the Skygraspers, but we don't have the pilots. But if you learn how to fly, youwillmake a difference."

Flay bit her lip. "But . . ."

She eyed the simulator. "Damn it. I just want the bastards who killed my father to die."

"Then learn how to kill them. Get stronger. Get smarter. I don't care. But I don't think you want to clean toilets for the rest of your stay here. We could be stuck in this desert for months, Flay. Perhaps even longer."

Flay looked at the simulator again. "Damn it!"

She stomped over to the simulator and turned it on. "Watch. I can't do it."

"I'd be surprised if you did the first time," I said.

Sure enough, Flay didn't even take off properly. The Skygrasper went into a spiral and plowed into the ground, exploding, and the flashing "MISSION FAILED" and "GRADE: F" flashed on the screen.

Flay punched the side of her seat. "See? I'll just get killed! I can't even take off!"

"The purpose of this simulator is to train you so you won't do stuff like that when you fly for real. Try again," I said.

Flay crashed again, but this time it took longer. Instead of spiraling into the ground, she wound up crashing right into a mountain.

"God!" Flay spat, and she held her head in her hands. "This is stupid!"

"Try again," I said. "You actually took off this time, you just forgot to compensate for the mountain."

"This is just stupid," Flay growled. But she gave it another go. The third time, she had the launch sequence memorized enough that she got a clumsy but decent enough launch and found herself flying.

"See? They've really made the Skygrasper an easy-to-pilot aircraft," I said. "It's almost like a video game in execution. Granted, you don't have the unlimited machine-gun ammunition and stuff, but you can-"

Flay shrieked. I looked at the screen and immediately saw ZAFT helicopters incoming.

"They're helicopters, Flay. You can outmanuever them. Try," I said.

"R-Right," Flay said, and she attempted an evasive manuevers as the helicopters fired their air-to-air missiles at her. She overdid her spin and wound up in a death spiral that resulted in her crashing into the ground.

Flay snarled at the screen and she punched the side of her seat again. "Stupid!"

"You're getting better each time Flay," I said. "I mean that."

Flay just looked at me. "You know I can't do this."

"Correction: you think you can't do this."

"I'm just a girl, Cagalli!"

"You don't have to be 'just a girl', Flay. Look at how much progress you made on just your third flight. I bet within a few days you might even start finishing missions."

Flay didn't answer. She just looked at the screen, which was patiently waiting to be used again.

"Give yourself the power to make a difference," I said. "And you won't be Flay Allster, 'just a girl'. You will be Ensign Flay Allster, a valued pilot on this ship and everyone will respect you and compliment you for being brave and rising above yourself. And those Coordinators? You can kill them. Or you can just keep cleaning toilets and drive everyone insane. Your call."

"Thanks," Flay growled, but she kept looking at that screen. There was something in her now, a determination to fly.

Just according to the plan.

"Now keep trying. You'll be amazed at the progress you can make. Just remember, you need to get five 'A' rankings in a row. That's your goal, Flay."

"Yeah," Flay said softly. She didn't move, just kept staring at the screen.

"Good luck," I said, and I turned to walk away from the hangar.

As I approached the entrance, I heard Flay growl again. I turned, and I could already tell she had either crashed or had been shot down. But she still didn't leave the machine. She was going to keep trying.

Which was what I wanted.

Flay had no piloting talent. She was panicking far too easily and overcompensating for everything that went remotely wrong. She stood no chance of qualifying for the Skygrasper training. She could try for weeks and months and still wouldn't be good enough to qualify because she just didn't have the right mindset to be a pilot. You needed nerves of steel and Flay didn't even have plastic.

She'll never fly a Skygrasper or anything else, I thought.

But now she would stay away from Elle, because there was now something to occupy her time. She now had something to do, something to strive for.

The plan was virtually foolproof, because there was no way Flay would become good enough to fly. She was hopeless! It couldn't be possible!

That's what I thought anyway, as I exited the hangar, hoping to keep Elle away from Flay forever.