You know on birthdays, you get gifts? Well, you know what? Today's my 25th birthday and I'm going to give you guys the gift. Here's chapter 34.
Please don't judge me for naming the chapter after a Maroon 5 album please. ^^;
And SulliMike, you would be right, there's veiled Gundam 00 references in the previous chapter. Whether it actually means anything is another story, however. There is a possibility that Waltfeld is only spouting gibberish, as Murrue herself says here.
Glad you guys enjoyed the last chapter too. I'm sorry, I wish I had time to respond to everybody like the good old days. ^^;
Chapter Thirty-Four: Overexposed
It was twilight when we returned to the Archangel. Tomorrow, the cease-fire was effectively over. I had a strong feeling that Waltfeld was going to want to finish the battle and quickly, before we could have a chance for our re-supplying operation and re-organization to have any kind of tangible effect. It would not surprise me at all if Waltfeld struck the minute after the cease-fire's expiration.
A few minutes out, our collective silence was broken all of a sudden by Murrue. "Ahmed, I'm going to need to ask you to keep silent about Cagalli being a Coordinator. I know there are heavy anti-Coordinator elements in Desert Dawn. But if Cagalli dies, that hurts our ability to both attack and defend."
"I'm going to tell Sahib," Ahmed said.
"Ahmed, please-"
"He has to know. I'm sure he's figured it out at this point anyway but he deserves to know for sure," Ahmed said firmly. "I won't tell anyone else but I have to tell Sahib."
As much as I hated to admit it, that seemed as good of a compromise as any. Sahib Ashman didn't seem to be that much of a radical when you got down to it. He was more interested in fighting a traditional guerrilla war, basing his ideals in lofty subjects like freedom and justice, not in hatred and genetic racism. He probably would do exactly nothing about me being a Coordinator. He could look at me differently and treat me differently, but fundamentally, he would do nothing. He knew I was too valuable.
Murrue, perhaps thinking the same thing I was, sighed in defeat. "I understand. But again-"
"Cagalli is too valuable, I know," Ahmed said. "I saw her fight. As much as Sahib would like to be the one to do it, I think Cagalli's the only person capable of defeating the Tiger."
"You mean face-to-face, not in strategy, I assume," I replied.
"Exactly. I have seen the Tiger fight personally. He uses a special machine called the LaGOWE. It is a terrifying machine, it slaughtered the Eurasian forces when they tried to assist us last year. I think you have a good chance at beating it though. But only you."
His grip on the steering wheel got tighter. "I know you're our best hope. You two are idiots if you think I would jeopardize that. I'm just saying that my commander, who has gotten us this far and has resisted and sacrificed so much, deserves to know."
"I get it, Ahmed," I said. "I get it. Just pay attention to where you're going. I don't want to flip over on a sand dune."
Ahmed chuckled softly. "Yeah, that would be bad, wouldn't it? What an anti-climactic way to go, wouldn't it?"
"'Anti-climactic' would be an understatement," I replied.
"I would prefer not to talk about our demises, anti-climactic or not, right now," Murrue said.
Ahmed sighed. "Yeah. Neither would I."
Murrue shook her head. "Waltfeld is very likely looking to sow some kind of discord in our ranks by saying what he did. That includes telling you, Ahmed, that Cagalli is a Coordinator. That includes the conspiracy theories too. Suggesting that the Earth Alliance was hiding the full extent of the Reconstruction War, and any previous existing GUNDAMs, from us . . ."
"For all we know, he could have been telling a story of pure fiction," I said.
"That's right. He's the enemy. Keep that in mind," Murrue said.
Ahmed looked down. "But he was telling the truth about Cagalli being a Coordinator, wasn't he?"
"He is, but he's hoping that you'll tell it to unsavory individuals who will want Cagalli dead in spite of her being their best hope for victory," Murrue said. "That's what I'm talking about here."
"I'll be careful," Ahmed said softly. "I promise."
I don't know whether Ahmed was telling the truth or not myself. All I could do was try and trust him. Trust that he'd do the right thing.
If I could not do that . . . what would that mean for me? For us?
Nothing good, that was for sure.
I was shocked to see Tolle in the hangar bay when we pulled up, and everyone was looking at the Skygrasper simulator, which had some dents in it that hadn't been there before.
"You're back!" Tolle said. "How'd it go?"
"We got thirty prisoners in exchange for Hilda," I said. "Not a bad haul, I think. They're all Eurasian and Desert Dawn though. I wouldn't be surprised if I have to play translator for the Eurasian prisoners."
"Well, that's good, I guess. I hope they can do important ship-type stuff," Tolle said, a goofy little smile crossing his lips.
"All I know is that they're not pilots," I said. "Waltfeld was adamant about not trading us pilots. He didn't care if they were other officers."
"So it's just you and La Flaga still, huh," Tolle said, looking past me for a second, at the Strike.
"Yeah, for now." I looked beyond Tolle then, and saw Kuzzey just staring at the dented simulator.
"Uh, what happened there?" I asked.
Kuzzey looked at me. "Oh. You're back."
"Have been for the last few minutes. What's up?" I asked.
"Well," Tolle started scratching the back of his head again.
Suddenly, it hit me. "It involves Flay, doesn't it?"
Kuzzey and Tolle both laughed uncomfortably, and Kuzzey spoke next. "Yeah. Flay got an "A" ranking on a mission, and when Sai heard about that he didn't take it very well. He came stomping to the simulator while Flay was still on the machine and started whacking it like a crazy dude."
"Oh geez," I said. So Sai and Flay had a pretty nasty breakup over a broken simulator. Why were Kuzzey and Tolle acting so funny? It's just a breakup, right?
Wrong. "Flay started screaming at Sai to stop, and Sai wouldn't stop, and then Flay tackled him and starting pounding the crap out of him. We're talking complete epic beatdown," Kuzzey said.
"Yeah. One-sided, I should add. She put Sai in the doctor's office," Tolle said. "Flay's been thrown into the brig, obviously."
"She's gotten really scary. It looks like she's been working out too, her arms have some definition," Kuzzey said, his voice trembling. It took me a moment to realize he was scared. Scared of Flay. "The old Flay wasn't able to just beat someone up."
"Yeah, she wouldn't even think about doing that before," Tolle added.
Okay. This was officially going out of control. This was far beyond anything I ever expected out of Flay. And Sai probably hated me beyond belief right now too. After all, I had done this to Flay. I was the one who put her in the simulator in the first place!
Damn it, all I wanted was to keep Elle away from Flay's dark, prejudiced words. And instead, I had this. Somehow, it was even worse.
"Are you all right?" Tolle asked me.
"No. This is all my fault. I put Flay on this stupid machine."
Tolle put a hand on my shoulder. "There's no way you could've known."
"It doesn't matter! I'm still the one who's responsible for this! I have to stop it now!" I said.
"Geez, don't meltdown too!" Kuzzey said, scurrying away from me a bit crab-walk style.
"Sorry," I managed, and I forced myself to take a deep breath and exhale. "All right . . . take me to Flay. Please."
"You're serious?" Tolle asked.
"I need to talk her out of this. This isn't the first time she's turned violent. I dunno if either of you know this, but you know about Hilda Harken? How she only had one eye after being outed as a traitor? Flay slashed her other eye."
Kuzzey gave me a frightened look. "Eee! Just keep her away from me, man!"
"You think you can stop her?" Tolle asked.
"I don't know. But I have to try. It's my fault," I said.
"Well, if it means anything, Flay's always struck me as like the first girl at college who'd go nuts if something big went down," Kuzzey said, with a weird little chuckle. "Maybe it was inevitable maybe sorta."
"I'm the one who put her in a position to fly a Skygrasper," I said. "And if she has an "A" ranking after just two weeks on that simulator, clearly she has potential to actually qualify for training. Do you want to someone who's 'nuts' flying a Skygrasper?"
"That wouldn't be cool," Kuzzey said, in yet another understatement of the day.
"No. It wouldn't." I turned back at Tolle. "Take me to the brig."
"Uh, okay?" Tolle said, looking mighty uncomfortable. I didn't blame him.
I was going to need to take him out on a date, even if that meant just lounging around the Strike eating meal bars. Anything to loosen the tension that had to be building.
Last thing I wanted was for me and Tolle to wind up like Sai and Flay.
Well, besides all of us dying, anyway.
"I am getting so sick of walking inside the brig," I said as Tolle and I came up on it.
"I'm just glad there's no guards around. They must be kinda busy doing something else."
"Just keep watch, and bang a bell or something if somebody's coming," I said. "Some way to give me a warning. I don't want to get in trouble with the captain or Badgiruel for doing this."
"Well, I don't want to get in trouble either, but I'll try," Tolle said.
"That's all I can ask for." Perhaps it was too calculated of me, but I kissed him on the cheek. I hadn't shown Tolle much affection since I had rejoined the crew a couple of weeks ago, and I knew I had to remind him where my heart was. That Athrun hadn't stolen it, and that Tassil hadn't corrupted it.
He was my boyfriend, and that couldn't change. Not for any reason.
"Thank you," I said, after my quick kiss, and I took off into the brig just as Tolle's face started turning red from embarrassment.
It didn't take me long to find Flay. Unlike Hilda, who looked disoriented and unnerved, Flay looked oddly calm, still. Almost at peace.
One of her uniform sleeves were torn completely off, and I saw what Kuzzey had seen. She had built up her arms. It wasn't a dramatic change, but it was a noticeable difference from how she once was at borderline-skin-and-bones. Still, there was no way she should have made even this amount of development in just two weeks.
She had to have taken something. A drug. I don't know if it came from Dawn or somewhere on the ship. But that would explain it.
Flay looked at me, and her disheveled bangs covered up the eye closest to me as she cocked her head just a bit. She smiled ever so slightly. "Hello."
Okay. As far as "Hellos" go, that was moderately creepy. "Flay, what did you do? I've been hearing that you really beat Sai up."
"Sai?" Flay chuckled briefly. "He was trying to hold me back. Stop me from getting my revenge on the Coordinators. He could've just said something, but no, he just started attacking the machine ranting about god-knows-what. I had to stop him before he broke the machine, so that's what I did. I stopped him."
"You beat him up pretty bad," I said.
"He deserved it," Flay said. She got up and stared right at me. "He truly didn't understand. He didn't want to understand. He wants to control me. He wants to manipulate me. I'm not going to let him do it, and I'm not going to let youdo it either."
Not good. Not good at all. "Flay, please-"
"I know what you're going to say. 'Stop trying to train'. 'Stop what you're doing'. 'Just try to go back to normal'. Well, guess what, wonder girl? I can't!"
I could only stare as Flay began to scream at me from behind the bars, tears starting to roll down her face as she continued. "I can't go back to normal! I can't, I can't, I can't! This is all I have left to live for, Cagalli! Avenging my daddy! Avenging all of the Naturals those monsters at ZAFT and PLANT have massacred for forever! You've given me the only way I can get justice for my daddy and now all of a sudden it's a bad thing? Tell me, tell me, how the helldoes that make sense? Huh? What do you want from me?"
"Flay, calm down," I said. I actually backed away a step, even though there was no way Flay could reach out and grab me. But Flay was being so forceful that she was actually scaring me. "This isn't going to help you. But you need to take a break before-"
"I can't!" Flay shrieked. "I have to do this, Cagalli! I have to! There's no other way for me! I am not going to sit here and scrub toilets forever! I'm going to go out there and . . . and . . ."
She fell onto her hands and knees, and her voice lost a lot of strength. As tears continued to pour from her eyes, her words became increasingly difficult to understand. "P-Please, Cagalli . . . p-please . . . please . . . I have nothing left. Nothing. I-I don't even think I can . . . it's all . . . just absolutely . . . absolutely . . . nothing. T-There's no one . . . no one here . . . t-they all . . ."
I looked at the button that would open the door. Damn it. I knew what I was going to have to do.
Flay just put her hands to her face and began sobbing as she started to curl up into a ball.
There was no way I could let her do that. Not even Flay deserved to cry alone. I opened the brig doors, grabbed her, and hugged her.
"W-Wha?" was all Flay could say as I embraced her.
"You need to let it go," I said. "Please. Take a break from the stupid simulator and think about your life for a while. Look at what you just did. You put your boyfriend in the medical bay."
Flay's only response was to sob into my shoulder.
How the hell did this happen? Since when would Flay cry to me, the girl she mocked so relentlessly on Heliopolis?
But I knew the answer, and I realized it as Flay continued to wordlessly cry. I made it happen. All of it.
Moments later, I heard footsteps. They did not sound like Tolle's. He was unable to give me a warning, then. Not that I could blame him.
I heard the guard's masculine, rumbling voice behind me. "Step away from her."
I looked, and while he didn't have his gun out, he sure looked ready to.
"She needs a shoulder to cry on. Do you mind?" I asked.
The guard gave me the weirdest look I've ever seen on a man's face.
"Unbelievable. Twenty minutes back on the ship and you're pulling stunts like this," Badgiruel said as she marched around Tolle and I.
"Look . . . you can't exactly blame Cagalli, can you?" Tolle asked.
"Yes, I can," Badgiruel snapped. "Ensign Yamato may have introduced Seaman Allster to the simulator, certainly. But Seaman Allster didn't need to turn Seaman Argyle into a human punching bag, either. That is not Ensign Yamato's fault. That was Seaman Allster's choice and her's alone."
"That's not the point, ma'am," I said. I wasn't comfortable with military protocol at all, but Badgiruel was a real stickler about it. I knew better than to speak informally to her. "What I did directly led to what Seaman Allster did. So it is my fault."
Badgiruel sighed. "Last I checked, Seaman Allster has free will. You haven't done any kind of brainwashing or direct mind control over her, have you?"
"Is that even possible, ma'am?" I asked.
"No," Badgiruel said. "So you know what, it is Seaman Allster's fault she has been thrown into the brig and could very well face a court-martial if the captain wills it. And the both of you ought to receive some kind of punishment for breaking into the brig and, even worse, disengaging the barrier that keeps the prisoners inside the cells without permission. If she had attempted to escape, the both of you would be aiding and abetting a fugitive even if that was not your intention."
Everything Badgiruel was saying was making my head feel like it was spinning.
I was able to clear my head enough to say "Look, I have to help Flay. I don't think we have any therapists onboard, do we?"
"What I think is that you're exposing yourself way too much risk lately," Badgiruel replied. "I don't know your full history with Seaman Allster, but from what I have seen you two don't get along so well. Then there's the whole meeting with Waltfeld earlier today, and I'm still half-amazed you returned from that. Then there's the potentially messy issue that could happen any day, a.k.a. if Desert Dawn finds out you are a Coordinator. It's too much all at once."
"In other words, you think I'm pushing my luck."
"Finally, you understand. Thank you!" Badgiruel exclaimed in this theatrical way I had not seen from her before. "Yes, that's exactly it! Ensign Yamato, you are the most valuable soldier we have onboard and you have not been conducting yourself that way. It's time you stopped pretending that you're some ordinary pilot. You're not."
"That doesn't mean I should just let Flay rot in a cell, ma'am!" I replied.
"Maybe once she cools off and realizes the flaws behind her actions, we'll let her out. Though the simulator is off-limits to her from this point onwards," Badgiruel said. "A shame, too. An "A" ranking so quickly . . . she could have been a brilliant pilot."
Something told me that Badgiruel was prepared to soften her stance if Flay actually proved she could fly. Badgiruel was by-the-book but she wasn't impractical, in the sense she was going to do what it took to win battles and eventually the war.
"I just didn't want to see her cry anymore. She's in a lot of pain and I felt that if . . ."
"Your sympathy is noted, Ensign Yamato." Badgiruel sighed, and looked at the both of us. "Damn it. If the situation wasn't so serious, I'd throw the book at both of you, metaphorically speaking. But I can't. We're in an emergency situation, even with the resupply op. We will be as long as we're stuck in this desert."
"So just a warning?" Tolle asked hopefully.
Badgiruel sighed again. "Yes."
"Whoo-hoo!" Tolle exclaimed jumping from his seat.
Badgiruel cocked an eyebrow. Tolle's grin turned embarrassed as he sat back down. "Oops."
"Yes," Badgiruel seemingly deadpanned. She looked away from us. "You both are dismissed. But I mean it, Ensign Yamato. You're overexposing yourself."
"I'll be careful, ma'am," I said as we both left.
But the truth was that overexposing myself was the last thing I was thinking about.
The one and only thing on my mind was surviving the upcoming battle that could happen any day now . . .
That and saving Flay from herself.
The latter seemed more difficult than the war, and that did not seem right. And yet, it was the reality.
And I was going to face it head-on.
It's the only way I knew how to live . . . at the risk of "overexposure" or not . . .
But that was my choice.
My one choice.
And no one was going to take that away from me, not when all of the lives onboard were at stake.
Unfortunately, Badgiruel, being the most important soldier onboard means I have to put myself at risk for everyone else. And I decided right then and there, in silence, that that's what I was going to have to do.
I didn't realize that I was already going to be tested on that belief tomorrow . . .
