"What?"
"Nothing." Steve shifted on top of his covers to lie on his back and stare at the ceiling. He had spent the afternoon and evening hiding in his quarters at the Tower with Natasha, watching movies and talking. Now they were lying in his bed relaxing after a fancy steak dinner delivered by two very tall, very masculine chefs. Tony and Bruce had yet to come through with a solution to his problem, but he wasn't bothered by it at the moment, barring the one problem she was bringing his attention to. He covered his eyes with one hand and rubbed, hard. "I don't want to sound like a jerk."
"Like you could even if you tried."
He had to chuckle at her incredulous tone. "No, it's just that every woman I've met today has found me irresistible. Every one but you."
"Don't take it personal. Besides, we don't even know why it's happening yet. Maybe they've all be compromised by alien brain-warping technology and I've only escaped by chance." She turned his head with a fingertip on his chin. "Unless you want me to call Hill and see if she still wants to…"
"Please don't!" He had heard enough of Natasha's filthy yet alluring suggestions over the course of the past few hours to imagine – or prefer not to imagine – whatever she was about to say. "Haven't I suffered enough?"
"Only you would consider being the object of every woman's affections as 'suffering.'"
"Well, like I said…"
"Yeah, I know. You're disappointed that I'm not falling all over you. Trust me, this has been my most exciting night in weeks. Too much time with Clint and Netflix and you get a toxic combination."
"Uh…"
"You can't even imagine the tedium."
His imagination had actually been going in a different direction and his ego was relieved by the idea that she equated watching movies and Barton with boredom. "Well, we've been watching movies all day and I haven't found it, um, tedious."
"Me neither, but you did lose your Dirty Dancing virginity today. Now nobody can put Stevie in the corner."
"I can't compete with Johnny Castle."
"Don't sell yourself short. I mean, don't go thinking your Patrick Swayze, but you're pretty good."
"I'll take that as a compliment."
"You absolutely should." She rolled away from him and stood from the bed in a smooth movement. "I don't suppose you're ready to try lifts, though."
He had the feeling she was getting ready to leave. The thought filled him with disappointment, even though he had no particular plans for how the rest of the night may have gone. Still, it seemed a little early to call it a night. "You think I'll be okay? I mean, there could still be women in the Tower ready to break in and have their way with me."
"Yeah, you seem really distressed about the possibility," she deadpanned. "Just enact security protocols. JARVIS will be happy to protect your virtue, I'm sure."
"I would be happy to do so, Agent Romanoff," the AI immediately replied.
"Please don't do that," Steve muttered, rising to his feet.
"I apologize, Captain Rogers, but Mr. Stark has programmed me to respond automatically when I am summoned."
"We were just talking and your name came up." Steve didn't mean to be rude, if you could be rude to a computer program, but he wasn't in the mood to be politely interrupted. "Can you just turn yourself off for a few minutes?"
"I shall set a timer, Captain."
He waited a moment. "You're gone?" He clapped his hands over his ears as a sharp buzz filled the air.
"Relax." Natasha set a small metallic device on the nightstand. It blinked a few times and the pitch of the tone changed before it went silent. "Even if you can trust JARVIS, you can't trust Stark."
"What's that?"
"We're okay to talk until I switch it off."
"That wasn't an answer."
"Only seems fair, considering you haven't told me why you're really so concerned about the fact that I'm not throwing myself at you."
"That's not what I…"
"Please. I'm a damn spy and you're a boy scout. You're not exactly hard to read."
"I just…maybe…" He searched for any reason that didn't involve begging her to spend the night with him and landed on lamely sputtering, "You, um, have some kind of…thing, I guess, that makes you immune. To me. And, uh, no one took samples from you. That's all."
She looked at him critically for a moment before walking toward the door. "You really are the worst liar."
"Wait, Natasha…"
She had turned on her heel before he could go after her. "Are you looking for a fuck buddy?"
"Um…no?"
"Because that's all I'd be, you know. I've thought about it. About sex with you. I won't deny that. But you know why I've never brought it up? Because you're my friend and I don't want to see you get hurt."
"I…" He tried to process what was happening. Was she offering something or just trying to make him reconsider what he really wanted?
"You deserve a nice girl. Someone good. Someone like you. You should be thanking God I'm not affected by whatever you have going on because you wouldn't stand a chance against me."
The barb stung his pride in a spot not controlled by his libido. "Hey, I think I'm more than a match for you when we're sparring."
"Yeah, well, I keep my clothes on for that." She suddenly unzipped the hoodie she was wearing and let it drop to the floor. Even though she'd showered and changed, there wasn't a big difference between her lounging around clothes and workout clothes in terms of stretchiness and skin exposure. He tried to focus on her face and nothing else as she sauntered toward him. "Besides, you wouldn't even try to get away if I got you between my thighs right now."
"Uh…" He licked his lips nervously as she stopped mere inches away from him. The fact that she wasn't just grabbing him made it clear she wasn't under the influence of whatever was affecting every other woman. "Look, I just… I consider you one of my closest friends."
"I'm happy to hear that." She suddenly spun away and went to retrieve her hoodie, leaving him feeling like an idiot who'd missed his best chance. "So call me if you need anything and I'll see you in the morning."
"No!"
"What?"
"I don't want you to go."
"Steve, no one is going to break down your door and assault you. Even if they do, I think you can manage it."
"No, it's not that, it's…" He swallowed his embarrassment and nerves. "I want to know why the only woman I'm attracted to is the only one who can keep her hands off me today. I want a real answer."
She raised an eyebrow, but didn't react with surprise. "Maybe I'm just used to not acting on my feelings."
"Isn't it considered unhealthy to bottle things up like that?"
"Only if you can't handle it."
Not for the first time, he wished he could go back and undo whatever had made her so quick to believe the worst about herself. "You don't have to handle it like that, you know. I'm all for freedom."
"Yeah. I know. That's kinda your thing, Captain America."
"Right. I just meant that…do you really not think you're amazing?"
"Oh, I'm absolutely amazing. Ridiculously so. I've got a healthy ego. But being amazing and being good are two totally different things."
"I wish you saw yourself the way I do."
"Well, if anyone's going to think I'm better than I am, it would be you. I know you mean it, even though you're wrong."
"Um…" He wasn't sure where his intentions had been leading him, but he was pretty sure it wasn't here. He decided to stick with honesty. "I'm getting really confused. I thought you said this was something you wanted. I know I do, so what's the problem?"
"Look, I know you're a big believer in either/or, but this isn't that. You're acting like we exist in a vacuum. There's too much at stake for me to be that selfish."
"I'm selfish for wanting to be with you?"
"No, but I'd be selfish for…just go find a nice girl."
"You keep saying that."
"Because you can't recognize good advice when you hear it."
"Do you think it's easy for me to trust people? To believe they're seeing me and not just Captain America?"
"How many times have I tried to help you with that? How many women have you rejected for whatever reason?"
"Damn it, Natasha! Why can't you just accept that I love you?" He didn't really realize what he'd said until she had been silently staring at him for a good twenty seconds. Unable and unwilling to take it back, he repeated with conviction, "I love you."
"I'm sorry." She broke eye contact and turned away. "I need to leave."
"Please don't go. If you don't…if you don't feel the same, just say so."
"It doesn't matter."
"It does," he insisted. He moved to stand behind her, gently grasping her shoulders. Her hair smelled amazing. He forced himself not to bury his face in it as he leaned toward her ear to whisper, "The way you feel matters." His nose brushed against her cheek as she turned her head. "And I'm still gonna love you even if you don't feel the same. You won't be hurting me. It's okay."
Her reply was unintelligible because she had spoken while pressing her lips into his. He chose to take the kiss as a positive thing, though. He walked backwards while maintaining contact until the backs of his legs hit the bed and they tumbled backward in a tangle of limbs. Unfortunately, the impact also caused their teeth to crash together. She rolled off him with a hand over her mouth.
"Are you okay?"
"Mmm. Just a little cut."
"You're bleeding?"
"I've had worse."
"I know, but you shouldn't be getting hurt when we're kissing."
"I mean I've had worse injuries from kissing."
He wasn't sure how to respond to that, so he kissed her cheek softly. "I'm sorry."
"You got excited. It's a little flattering." She was suddenly on top of him, kissing him again. He tried not to notice the slight coppery taste. "Just try not to bend me in any unnatural directions."
"Why would I…" He trailed off as she sat up and pulled her tank top over her head. He could think tomorrow.
"Why can't JARVIS call you? God, why is it so musky in here? Have you been burning sex incense?"
Steve blinked at Tony, who was standing in his bedroom doorway. "Uh…"
"At least you're not being tragically crushed under a pile of naked women."
"No." He glanced toward the disappointingly empty space to his right. "No."
"I would totally support that if not prompted by sex pollen or whatever. Anyway, get up and get to the lab. Bruce and I think we may have a solution."
"How did you get in here?"
"Well, I own the building. Also, I was worried. Y'know, about the naked lady pile-up. What is that?"
He looked at the small silver object on his nightstand. "Oh, Natasha…left it." He reached for it, but couldn't find an off switch. "I don't know much about it."
"Wait, what is that?"
"I just said, Natasha left it."
"She left a bite mark on your muscle-boob?"
Steve looked down in spite of himself. He clearly remembered the moment a few hours before when her teeth had become one with his pec, but he wasn't about to admit it to Tony. "She left the transmitter blocker thing."
"And who bit you? You know what? I don't want to know. Pepper spent the whole night yammering about how embarrassed she was about the thing in the lab yesterday. Anyway, I've got Hill caged upstairs, so get dressed and come up so we can start testing."
"Did you say you have Hill in a cage?"
"Yeah, she's gonna be pissed when the tranquilizers wear off, so hurry."
Steve didn't move until he was sure the front door of the suite had been closed. He let out the breath he had been holding. Well. The previous night had been like something out of a fantasy. It was only appropriate that it would disappear in the cold light of morning. He tried not to be disappointed.
He was nowhere near not-disappointed when Natasha's head poked out of the dark bathroom. "Is he gone?"
"You're here!"
"Not like I could go anywhere else when I heard Stark letting himself in. He has no boundaries." She flitted back to bed, slipping under the covers on his left. He moved toward the center of the mattress to give her some room, though he liked the fact that she had to snuggle against him. "Think he really has Hill in a cage?"
"Maybe." In spite of the fact that Natasha was pressed against him, he was bothered by the general events of the morning. "Are we…is this a one-time thing? Or are we in a relationship?"
"I thought we established that you were a one-woman man."
"Yes, but I'd like that one woman to admit…maybe…beyond bite marks, I mean."
He leaned into the warm hand she laid against his cheek. "I want to tell people on our terms, not on SI's Twitter feed."
"Fair enough." He let his hands wander, touching the skin he'd only dreamed about before last night. "Should we…?"
"Hill will be fine."
He didn't see any reason to disagree.
The flying saucer hovered just out of orbit of the Earth.
"Did our plan succeed? Was the Earth Hero destroyed, thus clearing the way for our invasion?"
"He was able to resist nearly all the Earth Females."
"Nearly?"
"He seemed to be pleased with the one that he chose to mate with."
A drooling sigh echoed through the bridge. "Perhaps we should return to Springfield as our base of operations next Halloween."
"Agreed."
Kang and Kodos engaged the hyperdrive as they sped out of the system.
