Chapter Thirty-Nine: Broken Hearts, Torn Up Letters, And The Story Of A Lonely Girl
We left the desert in the middle of the next day. Murrue announced that the intention was indeed to try to make it to Orb to finally discharge and drop off the Orb citizens onboard before the remainder of the personnel take the Archangel to the Alaska airbase. It was really nice for Murrue to do that, considering that we were virtually all enlisted in the Earth Forces at this point. She didn't have to let us go.
And me? I got a silver bar to pin on both of my collars, right on the yellow stripe. My reward for murder. While I felt a small amount of pride in getting the promotion at first, when I thought about what I had done to get it, the hollow feeling inside me just seemed to expand. It was like a whirlpool, a black hole, inside me, slowly sucking the rest of me down.
I was sick of it. Sick of the war, sick of the stress, sick of having to kill people.
The few times I saw Aisha, she was very calm and well-behaved in the brig. I was amazed in how she kept herself dignified, keeping herself presentable and pleasant no matter who came in to talk to her. She was a good person, I was glad I hadn't killed her too. But underneath the generic pleasantness, I knew she was hurting. And I didn't really hang around her, after all, I was responsible for where she was right now, and for the death of the man she loved. I knew she didn't want to see me. All it did was remind her of what happened even more.
Mu La Flaga took Flay and they began flying together around the Archangel for daily practice runs and mock dogfights, which La Flaga always won. The hope was that Flay, being schooled by one of the best pilots in the Earth Alliance, would be dramatically improved and be able to take on any ZAFT forces. Flay was just frustrated, I saw her break her helmet on her locker after one particularly brutal practice run. She was angry, and after her words from a few days before, I knew she felt lonely. But I couldn't come up with anything to really say to her that seemed remotely sympathetic. At least, anything that wouldn't accidentally hurt her feelings.
But mostly, I just felt restless. I wanted to be at Orb already. I wanted to be home. I wanted to be out of this war and return to my own life.
I knew Athrun was out there, ready to interfere. Where would they deploy him after what happened in North Africa? Would they keep him on our tail? Or would they put him elsewhere? Same with the other GUNDAM machines and their pilots.
You would think there would be other battles they could fight. And yet they seemed to collide with the Archangel over and over again.
I knew why. Me. Me and the Strike. But what made me so important that four GUNDAMs that could probably win ZAFT important battles all over various fronts needed to be sent after me? Who was I? And what was the full extent of the Strike's capabilities? What made me and the Strike worth it?
It haunted me those next few days.
It was a surprise, then, when Murrue announced that we were going to take rotating breaks while we were in the Indian Ocean.
"We've all been through a lot together," Murrue said. "It is probably difficult to believe, but it has been over a month since Heliopolis. While the Indian Ocean still has a significant ZAFT presence, I think that after the lengthy campaign we had in the desert, that we will take rotating breaks while in the Indian Ocean. We're not going to downgrade our alert status, but I think that R&R is frankly necessary for all of us."
She had a holographic display of the ship, and highlighted a few areas. "There's a few spots on the exterior of the Archangel that can work as observation decks. You can break here or anywhere in the ship. I know many of you have never been on Earth before or have never seen the ocean. If you want to have something unrelated to the war to take back home with you, now's the chance to experience it."
Natarle stepped in. "We've come up with a rotating break system. We're distributing copies of the list all over the ship, please look at it and memorize the dates and times so you know when you can take your R&R. Once we pass through the Strait of Malacca, the rest breaks will be over. We'll be too close to ZAFT's Carpentaria Base."
When I found out my first break was at the same time as my friends', I took the opportunity to join them on the top observation deck, Elle as usual tagging along beside me.
Tolle. "The air feels so good!"
Miriallia was smiling. "It does feel nice, doesn't it?"
Kuzzey. "The water looks deep."
"Duh, it's the ocean, of course it's gonna be deep!" Tolle replied.
"I've never been on Earth before," Kuzzey said defensively. "Much less have seen the ocean. I'm a little freaked out, okay?"
"The water does look deep," Elle said. "Looks like it can go down for miles and miles."
Kuzzey looked even sicker after hearing that. Somebody was afraid of falling into the drink.
"Should someone pretend to push Kuzzey or would that be going too far?" I asked.
Kuzzey responded to that by backing away from the railing and walking to the middle of the observation deck.
Tolle laughed. "Kuzzey, get a grip."
"I am getting a grip. By staying right here. Forever," Kuzzey replied.
"Geez," Miriallia sighed, and she looked down at the water. "Hard to believe there's so much water so close to the desert, isn't it?"
"Well, it is the Red Sea," Tolle replied. "I guess it's such a large body of water that no amount of sun can evaporate it all. Plus it's always getting water from the Indian Ocean or the Suez."
"Does it really matter how?" asked a voice from behind us.
I turned around. "Sai."
He still had a couple of bandages on his face, but in general his face looked like it was healing pretty well, though there was still some discoloration and obvious tenderness.
"We could've used you in the last battle, man," Tolle said. "We stuck some new guy in your spot and he totally panicked and couldn't figure out what he should be doing."
"Nice to know I'm important," Sai grumbled as he walked up to the railing.
He eyed me but didn't turn to look at me. "I find it kind of surprising you would be up here."
"Why?" I asked.
"Why are you here, Cagalli? Why are you still pretending that nothing has changed?"
"What are you talking about, Sai?" I asked. Elle moaned softly, and I realized I had begun squeezing her hand really tightly. Already, I was on the verge of blowing up, and I couldn't do that in front of Elle, or hurt her because of some immature, rash anger.
"He's just being a jerk," Miriallia said. "He says he thinks we're all keeping you at arm's length because of your thousand-yard stare. He's only been walking around for a day, I don't see how he knows anything."
Miriallia's words were probably meant for reassurance, but I heard that one specific part of her reply, and that resonated more than anything else. "Do I really have a thousand-yard stare, Miriallia?"
Miriallia blinked, and then her eyes widened, as if she had said something she shouldn't have said.
Tolle stepped in. "You . . . drift off a lot nowadays, Cagalli. You're not the same person you were before the desert. Before you came back."
I knew Elle was standing right next to me, hearing all of this. I wondered if she was thinking the same thing too, or whether she could comprehend it. "How am I different?"
"You act depressed, Cagalli. There's no other way to say it!" Miriallia replied.
"Depressed?" I asked, probably sounding like a dense moron in the process.
"Yes! You act like there's some part of you that isn't here anymore, Cagalli! Like maybe only seventy-five or eighty percent of you or something is here! Like you lost the rest or like it's elsewhere! You're always distant, your smiles look forced, you don't even crack a joke unless we practically force you to . . . you just don't act like our friend from Heliopolis anymore!"
The barrage from Miriallia was mind-numbing, but I knew she was right. All of it. She didn't even need to tell me, I knew I was different. I knew that Tassil had done something to me. No, it was more than just Tassil. It was the whole sequence, from the moment I killed Yzak to the moment Ahmed drove me to the Archangel. All of that, together, had changed me.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I don't know what you want me to do."
"You cry when you sleep," Elle said from beside me.
"I what?" I asked, turning to her.
Elle didn't look up at me. "You cry and keep saying you're sorry."
Hearing that was a total shock. I didn't remember my dreams, or if I did, only for a few seconds after I awoke, and I'd forget about them before long. Dreams, more than anything else, were ephemeral, practically mirages that were there one second and vanished the next.
I let go of Elle's hand, knowing full well there was no way I'd avoid clenching my fists. I wanted to blow up. Hearing all of this, all of this questioning and concern and horror, made me want to scream and collapse. Why? Why were they telling me this? Couldn't they understand? Why? Why wouldn't they understand?
"I have seen war from the ground level," I said. "I killed an enemy soldier with a gun. I saw Andrew Waltfeld bleed to death in front of me. I saw people die on both sides trying to capture me. And then there's everything else. All of the Mobile Suits I've destroyed. People were in all of them! How do you think that makes me feel?"
Nobody dared to respond.
"How do you think it makes me feel, knowing that people, who had loved ones, who had lived for who-knows-how-long, maybe even had kids of their own, were killed by me? People have to be told that some man or woman, who could be a son, or daughter, or husband, or wife, or mother, or father, or something else, was killed in action. And guess what? It was because of me!"
Nobody still dared to respond.
"And it gets easier each and every time I do it! It gets easier to pull the trigger and kill them, and it hurts more and more after each battle because it's only then that I realize what I've done! It's even worse when it's someone I got to know, like Waltfeld! I don't want to kill anymore but when I fight I don't even think for a second about trying to find a way to disable my opponent without killing them! Because I just can't! There's no time, trying to disable could get me shot down, and those pilots will probably just hop into another Mobile Suit or Armor or whatever and try to kill us!
"That's right! Us! I made a promise to protect this ship and everyone onboard, okay? And the only way to do that is to kill the stupid bastards who keep coming after us! What do you expect me to do? And how do you expect me to feel? What do you people want from me?"
By that point I was in tears myself. Tolle walked up to me. "Cagalli, I-"
"Just leave me alone!"
I ran away.
The rear observation deck had a crappy view, but it was deserted. I sat there next to the door, crying into my knees.
It wasn't just the thought of all the people I killed, and how it was becoming increasingly clear I was becoming isolated from my friends, and possibly even from Elle. I felt pathetic.
But I couldn't keep the thoughts of all of the Mobile Suits, all of the BuCUEs and helicopters I had destroyed. Waltfeld, Yzak, everybody whose names I did not know, who had faces I had never seen, I had killed. And then there were Asta and Aisha, reminders of the aftershocks from what I had done.
Asta, possessed by this burning desire to kill me no matter what the cost because of her brother, and likely on borrowed time if Aisha's testimony at the palace was to be believed. She was dying, apparently. And she had been forcing herself to live for her brother, who was now gone. It was no wonder she was enraged.
And then Aisha, who, oddly, reminded me a lot of . . . me, with the way she stared off into space so much. The resemblance to me was so uncanny that every time that I couldn't bear to approach her when the guards would escort her around the ship so she didn't go crazy from being locked up. She would try to appear dignified and graceful, just like she did at the palace, but there was an obvious emptiness inside her now, just like with me.
And then there was when I saw the seed in my mind's eye shatter. In which I didn't care about my enemies' survival at all. Where I didn't care about anything at all, other than destroying my enemies as mercilessly as possible. In which I was basically a killing machine. What if that happened against Athrun? Would I even kill him?
And thinking of Athrun made me think of Tolle. I didn't want to think of the distance growing between us. And I'm sure he wasn't thrilled about hearing me shout Athrun's name the way I had when Flay attacked him, if he had heard me. I was afraid to ask if he had.
So all I could do was cry.
When I heard footsteps from behind me, I immediately felt embarrassed. Terrified. It was bad enough that people were saying, and likely gossiping, that I was growing distant from them. If I was found crying, how would they take that? They'd just think I was weak and breaking, that's what. How safe would they feel if I, their best protection, was falling apart?
I wiped my eyes with my sleeve frantically and ran over to the railing, getting as far from the door as possible. I heard Kira's voice, though, and I knew he would immediately notice something was wrong.
"Cagalli, you're here too? I thought I'd be by myself out here. Kinda odd that Elle wouldn't be by you," Kira asked.
"Everything's fine," I said, but as I spoke, I immediately heard the trembling in my voice, and I knew Kira was going to notice.
There was a brief pause. "You were crying, weren't you? What's wrong?"
"It doesn't matter," I said, and I tried to get away from him. The only thing I could think of now was to head back to my room.
Kira grabbed my arm. "Cagalli, wait!"
"Let go of me!" I shouted as I shook his hand off of me.
Kira responded by hugging me.
And it gave me the oddest feeling I had ever had. All I knew was that I didn't want him to let go of me.
"It's all right," Kira said. "It's all right. I'm here for you."
Hearing those words brought the tears right back to my eyes, and my throat choked up in an instant. I tried to say something, I don't know what, but it came out as a kind of pathetic, soft croak, and finally I just sobbed into his shoulder.
He didn't budge one bit.
Kira eventually led me to the wall by the door, and we both sat down by there. "I was held like that when I cried as a little kid," Kira said. "Somehow it always made me feel better."
"It did," I said. "Thanks."
He sighed. "I'm sorry. I know that part of this has to be my fault. I said that you sounded like a monster out there in the desert. I know that has to be weighing on you."
"It didn't help," I replied.
"Has the 'seed' thing happened again?" Kira asked.
"No. It didn't happen at all against Waltfeld. Though I killed him anyway."
"Now I get it," Kira replied. "You got to know him."
"I'm not fighting for any other reason other than to protect my friends and everyone onboard this ship. People I brought onboard, I should add."
"They would have died if you did not bring them here," Kira replied. "You shouldn't feel guilty for it. They had taken damage, their air was leaking, and their engines weren't working. If you hadn't done that, they would have died, Cagalli."
"I brought them into the war," I said. "If I don't fight, everyone here will die. My friends, all of the civilians, I have to protect them, Kira. And I still didn't save everyone. Elle's mother was murdered, and there was that time we took damage from a ZAFT ship and that got a couple of civilians killed too. I've spent all this time killing people to save them. It gets hard to take after a while."
"You're not fighting on your own, though," Kira replied. "Virtually all of those Orb civilians have Earth Alliance military ranks right now because they have become an integral part of what keeps this ship operating. Heck, look at me, I keep optimizing the Strike for you so you can use it to its full potential. If I wasn't around, the Strike would be much more difficult for you to operate."
"So?" I asked.
"You can't blame yourself for everything. You're not shouldering this alone. We are all fighting alongside you, Cagalli."
"It doesn't feel like it," I replied.
Kira sighed. "There's an old saying that for one front-line soldier, there are eight people who are working to supply and support that one soldier. Cagalli, you may be that front-line soldier, but you have an entire crew of people who maintain, recharge, and repair that Strike. You have people on the Archangel who direct you on your objectives and give you battle updates. You have people who are cooking what we all agree is slop but is still necessary for keeping you going each day. You're not alone in this war."
Kira's words made sense. They truly did. But Kira was missing the important difference between me and everyone else.
"We all may be soldiers, Kira, but I'm the one who does the killing. There's no escaping that."
"I've killed people too," said a new voice.
I looked to my left, past Kira, and there was Flay, standing in the doorway. "I've killed a whole bunch."
"Were you eavesdropping, Flay?" I asked.
"Not for very long," Flay said. "Just for what Kira told you, that's all."
I did not trust Flay at all. Some part of me said that she had been listening for much longer than that. She could've seen me cry, which was the worst thing of all. The last thing I wanted to show Flay was tears.
She sat down at the edge of the doorway, leaning against the edge. "It's nice to know I'm not wrong for feeling horrible about killing. I was wondering if something was wrong with me."
Unexpected words, especially from Flay. Kira seemed surprised too, he said "What do you mean?"
"I felt elated at first, when I attacked the Henry Carter and the units protecting it. I've had this hate for Coordinators that I haven't been able to shake, not since Daddy's death when the Montgomery exploded. When I took that Skygrasper and attacked them, all I felt was this perverted joy knowing they were dying too, just like Daddy did. That I was avenging his death."
Flay paused, and then she folded her arms around her knees. "But then . . . I remembered why I was in Orb in the first place. Daddy wanted me to stay out of the war. And now I know why. I could've died out there. If Daddy was still alive he'd be so worried about me, and he'd be angry too, angry that I'm risking my life. Instead, I made other people die. And they have people who care about them, don't they, just like Daddy loved me."
Flay buried her head in her knees, and her voice sounded increasingly choked. "It's nice to know that . . . that I'm not alone in feeling bad . . . or crying . . ."
Kira rubbed Flay's shoulder. "You're being very brave, going out there to protect this ship."
"That should be my goal, shouldn't it?" Flay asked inbetween sniffs. "I shouldn't think about a-avenging my daddy. A-All that does . . . is make me feel worse. M-Maybe if I-I can . . . c-can just protect this ship . . ."
Kira just rubbed her right shoulder more, and Flay rubbed her eyes. "I don't want to be alone anymore. I can't stand it. It sucks! I don't have anybody I want to fight for!"
"You do have people to fight for. Every man, woman, or child on this ship," Kira said. "What you have done is become their front-line of defense so everyone onboard can make it home, Flay. They're all relying on you. That's why you're being brave. Not everyone is cut out to become that person who everyone needs to rely on."
Flay looked at Kira. "W-Wait a minute . . . you're the prince. Prince Kira!"
Flay's face turned red. "I-I'm sorry!"
Kira seemed flummoxed. "What do you have to be sorry for?"
"I-I don't know," Flay managed. Words failed to describe the combination of despair and yet girlish embarrassment on her face and body language. "I . . . I just . . . didn't recognize you right away . . . my prince."
"My prince"? Really, Flay? It's not like you're some kind of medieval knight here. Or in some really cheesy fantasy movie either.
Kira crossed the line from confusion to embarrassment at being called that. "You d-don't have to-"
"But you are. You are my prince," Flay said. She looked away from him, still blushing heavily, her lips trembling.
"I don't want to be alone anymore. My whole life, I've been sheltered, hidden away. I've just been shallow and . . . and stupid. I can't be that way anymore. My friends weren't really my friends, they were just a way for me to feel popular and cool and stuff. And Sai . . . Sai, if he really wanted to be my boyfriend, he w-would've made me feel better, or at least done something else rather than break the stupid simulator. I think I've been alone this entire time, my whole life, until now."
Flay, with tears still in her eyes, stood up and looked at both of us. "I'll fight for the both of you. My prince, and you, Cagalli, the only person willing to be my friend."
You can imagine how well that went over in my brain. Me, Flay's friend all of a sudden? What was this, had I suddenly plunged into some kind of bizarro-land?
But at the same time, in this cruel way, Flay was right. I had been showing concern for her, showing some kind of understanding and comfort. Those were signs of friendship. And now here she was, pledging to be stronger and better for me. Embarrassing, but if Flay was really done with being "shallow" as she had put it, I knew that being Flay's friend would not mean what it once did.
Kira seemed even more embarrassed than I was. "L-Look, it's flattering, but the 'my prince' talk isn't necessary, I promise."
"It is," Flay said with finality. "You don't have to take the time to help us because you're the prince, but here you are. Helping us. Helping Cagalli protect us. You're amazing and wonderful, my prince."
She hugged him, and Kira's eyes turned to me. Help me seemed to be the unsaid plea.
"Uh, Flay," I said. "If you're feeling better, my offer still stands."
Flay separated from Kira, who looked exceptionally embarrassed. "Yeah, I'll take you up on it, if your other roommates will let me. Like I said, I'm sick and tired of being alone."
"All right, go get your things. We'll talk with Miriallia and Elle as soon as possible, okay?"
"Sounds good, Cagalli. I'll see you later. And you two, my prince." Flay walked away then, a noticeable bounce of energy in her step.
"'My prince', huh?" I asked him.
Kira just blushed and mumbled something.
"I'm not going to cause any trouble or disturbances, I just don't want to sleep alone in a bunk anymore," Flay said to Miriallia when she made it to the room I shared.
"I said no," Miriallia said. "I don't need you freaking out one day, and doing to one of us what you did to Sai. That was scary, Flay. Beyond scary. I didn't know you were capable of doing that and I'd rather not be around you now that I know that you are."
"I'm not crazy," Flay replied. "Maybe I was at the time but I've gotten over it."
"Sure you have," Miriallia snapped back.
"I'm not out for revenge anymore. I'm going to fight to protect, just like Cagalli is right here. The least you can do is let me sleep in the room I'd like to sleep in, please," Flay said, her voice on the borderline of begging. "I'll take the bunks not being used right now on the other side of the room, I don't care which one. I just don't want to be alone anymore."
Miriallia just looked at me. "Why are you forcing this on me, Cagalli? Or on Elle? Haven't I made it pretty clear that I don't want Flay here?"
"I'm trying to help her," I replied. "I'm sorry. I should've told you before I extended the offer to Flay again."
"Please," Flay pleaded, her hands folded in front of her. "I promise there'll be no trouble. I just want to share a room. You can search my bags first, or search me, I don't care."
"Flay's different," Elle said softly.
Miriallia looked at Elle. "In what way?"
"She's not as scary now," Elle replied.
Miriallia facepalmed. "Fine. But you're taking the bunk on the other side of the room, and if you give me one hint of trouble, I don't care about Cagalli's sympathy for you, you're gone."
"It's not anything different from what Captain Ramius told me," Flay said. "That's fine with me."
"Go ahead," Miriallia said, waving Flay to the other bunk. As Flay walked over, Miriallia gave me the evil eye. "One incident, Cagalli, and I don't care how minor it is . . ."
"I get it, Miri. I swear!"
"You've got a lot of nerve, running away from me and Elle in tears like that and coming back here with Flay. You do something like that again I'll kick you out too. And I'll take custody of Elle. I don't think Elle's caregiver should be falling apart."
"No!" Elle cried. "I'd rather be with Cagalli, Miri. Cagalli's always there for me. And I know Cagalli didn't kill my mom. I trust her."
Miriallia sighed and closed her eyes, as if meditating.
"I promise there'll be no more trouble," I said. "Kira helped me get over myself, at least a little."
"Fine. If you say so, Cagalli. Now I'm going to flop on the top bunk and get some beauty rest. You do whatever you want."
Miriallia did exactly as she said, and Flay seemed to be preparing the top bunk on her side of the room for herself. What had I done to deserve the bottom bunk?
But when Elle walked up to me and hugged me, I knew why. Elle couldn't climb the ladder.
It was amazing as it was that Elle was still willing to be by my side, and treat me like I hadn't crumbled to pieces in front of her just hours ago. But it made sense, now that Elle had come out and said it. I was the only person on this ship guaranteed to not have killed her mom. I was the only person left to trust.
And I couldn't keep violating that trust by falling apart in front of Elle.
I hugged her and walked over to the bed. It was the end of a long day, and I was, for once, looking forward to sleeping.
I hoped I wouldn't cry in my sleep. I had cried enough that day. I was through with crying. At least for the moment . . .
