A/N: Exams? Done! Flat moving? Fini! Zombie apocalypses? On hold! Graduation? Around the corner! Three months of nothing but trips and writing? Yayness!

I'm crazy excited about next year because my new flatmates are incredibly awesome. It's the House of Cake; the House of Errol; the One Flat To Rule Them All; the flat of our uni's Harry Potter Society's President, Treasurer, Head of Ravenclaw, and Head of the Hufflepuff Glorious Revolution! Unsurprisingly, we possess every HP, Sherlock, LotR, and Doctor Who memorabilia known to man and monkey. Running into L's David Tennant life-size cut-out in the kitchen at 3am only adds to our flat's supermegafoxyawesomehotness! Though, it's only a matter of time before I wake up everyone with high-pitched shrieks of terror.

General Disclaimer: I'm not J.K. Rowling, a yellow reporter, or making any profit from this. But I'm so, so sorry for the following travesty.


"Harry gazed out at the Great Hall, expression carefully neutral. Spotting Granger's jaw-dropped amazement, he added a touch of wonder to his own look. Admittedly, the enchanted ceiling and levitated candles were a sight. But his stare was centred on the Deputy Headmistress, the Sorting Hat, and the trail of other first years being Sorted.

'Potter, Harry!'

His walk to the front was met with waves of whispers from the students. It seemed that the enthusiastic crowd at Diagon Alley wasn't a one-time occurrence. He made a mental note to check more books on modern magical history: it would be useful to see how enraptured this world was with him.

The stool was slightly too tall and the Hat covered his eyes. This irked, but sudden strange words in his head chased away the annoyance.

'My, my.' A deep, concerned voice sounded. Harry's mouth twitched in surprise. The intruding voice was accompanied by memories whirling around out of his control. …Marge's dogs chasing him up a tree…Ripper being 'accidentally' strangled by his leash…

A surge of anger twisted through him. Was the Sorting Hat reading his mind? 'Get out!' Harry mentally hissed, outrage puckering his face. 'Get the hell out!'

…Vernon had drunk too much…Vernon had been demoted…Vernon was angry…Harry, at so many ages, was rammed into walls with terrified shrieks…shoved into dark and tiny cupboards…locked up without a morsel of food…trapped with only a numb pain and never numbing resentment…he stopped screaming…soon enough, he'd stopped feeling…

'STOP IT!' Harry mentally shouted, trying to slam his thoughts shut. This at least partly worked, as the Hat returned to a worried speech.

'Mr. Potter.' The Hat said slowly. The boy no longer had any doubt of its sentience; the emotion rolling off its words proved that much. 'I have seen countless lives over the centuries. Happiness, sorrow, they have all come and go. I am enchanted to not breath a word of what I uncover. Though I hate it, I have seen others like you. I have had to watch silently, unable to speak and shift their destinies. I watch as they wilt. I watch as they break. I can only watch as they seethe with hatred, either towards themselves or others.'

'Aren't you supposed to be Sorting me?' Harry mentally muttered, the remarks bristling.

'This is of rather greater importance.' The Hat chided, ignoring both the boy's impatience and the growing shifting in the Great Hall as the Sorting lingered on. 'My dear child, I cannot say a word to anyone else. But I urge you to do it yourself. You can choose not to continue on this path. Tell a teacher what your relatives have done to you. You can be free of them and give your mind a chance to heal.'

Harry snorted with the tiniest amusement. His thoughts filled with the few times in the past that he'd tried to go to a teacher or police for help. Each one had failed, with a rather familiar bearded man popping up just before everyone else 'forgot' there had been an issue.

The Hat, seeing this, remained silent for a moment. When he at last spoke again his tone was soft and gentle. 'Mr. Potter, I do not know what Dumbledore was doing. But I can assure you, if he knew the extent of the abuse—'

'Sort me or shut up.'

The Hat fell into another short pause. 'Very well.' It continued, albeit regretfully. 'I see you won't be convinced. But I urge you, use this as a new beginning. Seek out friends, companionship. It does not hurt to feel. There are many wonderful emotions that—'

'Don't make me a Slytherin.' Harry again interrupted. Tired of the Hat, he steered the conversation back on topic. 'What kind of cunning and manipulative person wishes to be in the House known for that? Completely Counterproductive. I want Hufflepuff.'

The Hat huffed, his serious tone giving way to disbelief at this statement. 'Not a chance. You would give half that House nervous breakdowns by Winter. But I do agree that Slytherin is an unwise choice. That is not a place that garners unconditional friendships, something that you sorely need. Ravenclaw would be far better. You have the necessary intellect, and there is more opportunity there for companionship.'

'Being known as smart is almost as bad as being known for cunningness.' Harry argued back, all while knowing that he and the Hat were all but speaking different languages. 'If not Hufflepuff, Gryffindor. Everyone expects me to be a boy hero. Why not give them what they want to see?' With the answering silence he mentally sighed. 'If it is truly the House of the brave, they ought to be harder to mentally breakdown.' Continued silence. He decided to bargain. 'IF you choose either Hufflepuff or Gryffindor, I won't use pets as target practice. Nor will I search for a spell to set you on fire.'

The Hat at last sighed. 'You ought to take heed of Mr. Ollivander's warning: more than just your wand resembles the wizard who gave you that scar. However, unlike yourself, I do not take any loss of life lightly. So I have little choice but to put you in—GRYFFINDOR!'

The last word was shouted out to raucous applause. Whether this was because the Gryffindors were thrilled or because everyone wanted to get onto dinner, Harry didn't know. But as the Sorting Hat was taken off him and he walked to the thrilled and shouting table, a smirk lingered on his lips.

He was going to learn magic. He was never again going to be beaten down."

—From Chapter 7 of R. Skeeter's "The Rise and Fall of Harry J. Potter".


Excerpt from 'THE LIFE AND LOVES OF HARRY POTTER'

Eleanor Branstone, Witch Weekly's Lifestyle and Fashion Reporter

…the emerald blouse Rita Skeeter sports in this issue's cover shot will surely be sold out by day's end. With the recent turn of fashion away from the sadly dry magical styles, this author cheerfully stays on trend with muggle High Street outfits. Get her look now with a quick trip to Zara's, multiple branches located from London to Edinburgh! Rumour has it that this Spanish powerhouse has begun catering to their magical clientele, where their newest shop can be visited under Loch Ness with a handy bubble-head charm.

But fashionable clothes or no, with these photos of Rita's enviably youthful look our readers will be racing off to America for bottled fountain of youth.

"Oh my, thank you. But no, there's nothing in the water." The enchanting writer laughed at the suggestion. Our light conversation up until then had been on how difficult it is to find proper tea abroad (Rita's tip? If heading to Salem, skip the touchy flavouring charms that more often than not dye your tongue blue. Instead, go native and drink coffee). "No work either, believe it or not! Healthy living and running about for hot scoops is all I need to stay young."

Which brought us to Rita's piéce de resistance: her deliciously risqué biography on the mysterious heartthrob, the Man Who Conquered. Harry Potter surely needs no introduction. All of us have been his fangirls or fanboys at one point or another, don't deny it. Most of you reading this still treasure your posters of his sixth consecutive win as Mr. 'Most Charming Smile'; for me, said grin has been kissed once, twice…a few dozen times over. Unsurprisingly, countless hearts were broken when Mr. Potter 'retired' from being Bachelor of the Year to marry his longtime sweetheart and the celebrated Quidditch Chaser, Ginny Weasley (who similarly wrecked her streak as top bachelorette). Teen icon and War Hero turned Head Auror and family man. What more is there to know?

"You'd be surprised." Rita hummed at the question, leaning forward as though we were simply two friends exchanging idle gossip. "Harry Potter's life story is a reporter's and biographer's dream come true. That man has been racing towards adventure from the get go, and has collected more than a handful of skeletons in that closet of his. Goodness knows how much inner turmoil he's been hiding from the world."

Was this a reference to her claims regarding Mr. Potter's childhood?

"That's only the start." She waved this away. "Certainly the abuse impacted him, but that's barely the beginning of what my interviews uncovered. But, oh, my publisher will panic that I'm giving away the future books."

Not even a little sneak peek?

"Oh, why not. After all, there's no such thing as bad publicity." Rita winked before humming in thought, no doubt sorting through which juicy tidbits to share to her anxiously awaiting audience. "The next biography covers Mr. Potter's second year at Hogwarts, the Chamber of Secrets, Ginny Weasley's—now Potter's—involvement, and his first true sways towards dark magic. But what am I saying? Your readers don't care about that! The steamiest scandals come later. The multiple love triangles between Harry Potter, his close friends, and Viktor Krum is of particular interest, as is the 'odd' Dumbledore-Potter relationship that was touched on in my previous work. But my personal favourite? The revealing fact that a certain Boy Saviour spent his sixth year at Hogwarts stalking…well, someone."

What? No! You can't leave us in suspense.

Rita thankfully relented. "I suppose I could say a touch that's in the next book. Though adventure is at the heart of the story, love does rear its complicated head. The most obvious—and controversial—incident took place after Mr. Potter saved the future Mrs. Potter from certain death. I'm afraid the two children let their emotions take control of them. However, while this was just lust, a much more serious relationship was building in the background."

More serious than the celebrity couple who are now married with children?

"Dear Merlin, yes!" Rita chuckled, leaning forward with a glint in her eye. "You see, Mr. Potter once had his eyes firmly set on someone else. Every member of Gryffindor would testify that the boy obsessed over this person in his sixth year, like I mentioned, yet I argue that his addiction to this 'forbidden fruit' was one of the few constants through all his years at Hogwarts. The two butted heads with a schoolyard rivalry, one which merely intensified the attraction simmering beneath the surface. People even started to flee whenever they fought, as they knew that clothes would soon be ripped off. That's to say nothing about how their Quidditch passion translated to their sequestering in broom cupboards and locker room showers."

Oh my! Who was this lucky girl?

"Who said anything about a girl?" Rita smirked while my jaw fell to the floor. "I won't give the name, my publisher really wouldn't be pleased. But, oh, why not give a bit more history? It's not very well known, but Ron Weasley was once magically chosen as the person Mr. Potter would most sorely miss. Add this to his rumoured infatuations with Oliver Wood, Cedric Diggory, and Viktor Krum? All alongside the allegations concerning Ginny Potter and Amorentia? I needn't say more. I'm sure you can see the picture."

Wizarding Gods! You heard it here first: us fangirls never stood a chance. With a divorce surely now on the horizon…boys? I hate you all so, so very much.


'RISE AND FALL' CLIMBS THE CHARTS WITH NO END IN SIGHT

Padma Patil, Lead Writer for Flourish and Blotts' Weekly Newsletter

The controversial author and former Daily Prophet reporter, Rita Skeeter, has triumphantly returned to Britain with this season's must have biography. Known for her scandalously irresistible writing, the very recent publication of her "The Rise and Fall of Harry J. Potter" has taken the wizarding world by storm.

This unofficial biography of the Man Who Conquered fills a niche in the market, one previously unoccupied due to the Potters' and Weasleys' stringent control on books concerning their family. Yet, their stranglehold on the publishing market only extends to works produced in Britain. Therefore, due to Skeeter's involvement with an American publisher (beyond the reach of the British Ministry and the Potter-Weasley political faction), the usual steps to halt works due to copyright infringement could not be taken. Likewise controversial writers, take note: if the publication is effectively outsourced, British law cannot interfere.

The public has already become torn about these events. Many have rallied to protest against the Ministry's blatant attempt at censor, while others are vehemently decrying Skeeter for her apparent libel against Potter. But the author in question is taking this controversy straight to Gringotts. Pre- and first weekend sales are positioned to shatter the records made by her previous work, "The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore". With international sales likewise streaming in, there's little doubt that Skeeter will once again top the bestsellers.

An odd side note. Perhaps due to the American publishers, the mass-produced photo of Potter on the cover of the biography acts more sentient than any could have predicted. Rather than merely waving and smiling (or, in this case, scowling and turning from the camera), there have been reports of these photos interacting with the readers. Likely, more of the original personality was copied over than was previously thought to be possible. This opinion is supported in how the photos will only 'talk' (mouth or mime) to people that the real Potter knows. There have also been incidents of the photos chatting with kids excited to meet the hero, as well as doing small displays of 'magic' within the cover. So there is a very real possibility of some sort of sentience. Yet many experts have scoffed at this, arguing that a new American system of publishing has merely imitated the appearance of having true memories and free will.

As this reporter's own copy of Potter's photo insisted that it be ripped from the biography (and has since mentioned our shared Hogwarts' years), I must respectfully disagree with the experts. Also, if the cover's rather—colourful—opinions are to be believed, I would highly recommend that Skeeter use her newfound riches to go back into hiding before the real Potter surfaces.


Partial Transcript from Wizarding Wireless' 'PURE AND PROUD'

"…ridiculous that with any criticism the Ministry starts squawking, 'Ohh, DARK WIZARD!' Seriously? Sure, Fudge was horrid, Scrimgeour hadn't time to change things a wick, and let's not get into Thicknesse, but Shacklebolt makes me miss Millicent Bagnold. Now there was a leader! Though she came under fire with the Black scandal, she was the epitome of a pureblood. Running the First War while ensuring that our traditions didn't fall to the wayside? That was a true leader. Paranoia and fear were everywhere, but at no time did the reigning members of this society feel like they would be prosecuted for their beliefs."

"It's like the Treason and Sedition Acts in the 1700s."

"Really, Zabini? Another history lesson, why am I surprised. Are you trying to lose all our listeners?"

"It's relevant! You were the one ranting away about preserving traditions. Look, the problem's that Potter and Granger—who are clearly the real powers 'behind the throne'—are slipping policies in under the table, tightening the Ministry's otherwise liberal hold over the people, and suppressing our conservative voices."

"So why mention some acts from centuries ago? Would it kill you to explain anything?"

"You slept through every one of Binns' classes, didn't you. Don't bother denying it. Merlin Pansy, at least tell me you know about the French Revolution?"

"Of course I do! I'm not a blasted mudb—ahem, muggleborn. What, the French muggle peasants decided to overthrow their monarchy, and the wizards took over through Imperius Curses and the like to begin the Terror. All to ensure their country didn't go the way of ridiculous places like America. But last I checked, Potter wasn't guillotining people. Nor were we."

"That wasn't what I meant. It was the British response to the French that was interesting and, you know, relevant to our discussion. There was a fear that Jacobinism—"

"What?"

"It was a radical, liberal ideology prominent in the French sans-culottes at the time. That is, the muggle protesters. When the imperiuses started flying, the French wizards changed 'Jacobinism' from the rather liberal enlightenment ideals, to supporting 'cleansing' the muggle crowd. Magical Britain looked at this cautiously, fearing both of these rampant extremes. When the French issued their Edict of Fraternity—"

"What?"

"—a policy where the French wizards promised to help radicals in other countries overthrow their governments. Unsurprisingly, the British Ministry wasn't pleased. They became right paranoid, actually, and started passing loyalism acts to try and stamp out these so-called 'British Jacobins'. These acts ranged from charging any critics with treason, aiding loyalist associations with their burnings of Thomas Paine—no, don't ask—and suppression of revolutionary writings, and enacting heavy censorship over anything the government was even slightly uncomfortable with. You don't like the King's outfit? Here's a lifetime in gaol!"

"Why can't you ever get to the point without a useless lecture? Don't answer, it's rhetorical. Merlin. For any listeners who got lost: what Blaise's trying and failing to say, I think, is that Potter's and Weasley's suppression of pureblood freedom of speech has gone too far. Off with their heads!"

"Yeah…no. What I meant was that, when even that joking statement of yours could get you sent to Azkaban, we know something's gone wrong. So we should learn from history. We're a democratic republic and it's about time we acted like it! The muggles are still held up on the idea of constitutional monarchy, and the Potter-Weasleys are trying to transform our government into a nespotic oligarchy. Viva la révolution, I say. Follow Rita Skeeter's lead. Potter's had tight control over everything related to his person. Which, normally, would be fine. But he's not just an individual, he's Harry Bloody Potter! A major public figure, international figurehead for Britain, and leader of the Potter-Weasley coalition. Because of him and the Weasleys, we aren't allowed to say a damn word against him or the government he represents. By paying lip service to liberalism, they're taking away our freedoms to protest their policies."

"Exactly! Sure, Potter's a War Hero. Who cares? The man's made plenty of mistakes, but everyone's so afraid of being sued that no one will speak up. Skeeter's the true hero in this story: a courageous woman battling horrific censorship."


'WHO TALKED?'

Sally-Anne Perks, The Moon's Lifestyle Reporter

With abuse, adventures, and scandalous toeing of the dark side, there's only one question on everyone's lips: who gave author Rita Skeeter an inside look on Harry Potter's life? If her "The Rise and Fall of Harry J. Potter" was not harshly critical of the monikered hero, readers flocking to the bookstores would assume from the immense amount of details that this was an autobiography. But instead, the loosely veiled accusations towards the Head Auror and the Man Who Conquered reads as though Miss Skeeter stumbled upon the Holy Grail of Pensieves.

While the Ministry is already decrying many of the books' facts, it's clear that Miss Skeeter hit too close to the truth for comfort. Considering the infamously private life of Mr. Potter (a man who has grown up in fame, though has always avoided the spotlight), it is miraculous that "The Rise and Fall" was able to be written at all.

Candidates for who might have revealed the intimate aspects of Mr. Potter's life reads like a who's who of British wizarding elites. This is hardly stunning, as he and his close friends revolutionised the Ministry following the end of the Second War. This report will thus examine who had knowledge of Mr. Potter's exploits and the motivation to contact or talk to Miss Skeeter. Thankfully for all of your attention spans, the list of people close to this notorious 'man of mystery' is extremely short, as a massive show of loyalty was a prerequisite for him to even consider revealing aspects of his personal life.

We must begin by examining Luna Scamander née Lovegood. Daughter of the late Xenophilous Lovegood, Ex-Editor-in-Chief of The Quibbler, Mrs. Scamander knew Mr. Potter at Hogwarts and convinced him to give her family magazine an exclusive interview. For any other celebrity this would not be worth noting, but the interview in question concerned the Boy Who Lived's recount of You Know Who's rebirth. This testimony was not only crucial as a buffer against the contemporary Ministry's smear campaign against those who claimed the Dark Lord had returned, but also marked the only personal interview Mr. Potter has ever given. All of his public announcements since have been at Second War memorials, or in official standing within the auror office. Mrs. Scamander's access to this information is thus stunning, and her notoriously 'unique' demeanour makes it even more likely that she would reveal her reporter capabilities and take this story of a lifetime to Miss Skeeter.

Moving on, two people can be easily crossed off the list of likely suspects. One of Mr. Potter's best friends (as well as rumoured former flame) Hermione Granger has been an adamant voice at the Ministry protesting Miss Skeeter's work as wholly fictional and an attempt to wreck a good man's reputation. As the Departmental Head of Magical Law Enforcement, she has also been behind previous rebuffs against unofficial biographies concerning Mr. Potter and others. All of this makes it extremely unlikely that she would contact her former enemy Miss Skeeter. However, it should not be ignored that Mrs. Granger was one of the few 'characters' in the first book to come out relatively unharmed. At least in comparison to Mr. Potter (portrayed as having so little empathy that he killed defenceless animals) or Albus Dumbledore (seen as condoning and even encouraging horrific child abuse).

The other unlikely candidate is Mr. Potter's wife, Ginevra (Ginny) Potter née Weasley. While there have been whispers of Amorentia since the beginning of their relationship, the couple have been married for years and have two boys (James Sirius and Albus Severus), both of whom are public favourites. Though not quite as well-known as her husband, Mrs. Potter is a famous Quidditch Chaser and reporter in her own right. There is thus little she would have gained from going to Miss Skeeter, as she would merely risk the pleasant life she's built.

Instead of focusing on any of these women, suspicion ought to fall on other members of the Weasley family, who Mr. Potter has always been close to and married into. The prime two suspects here are brothers to Mrs Potter. Percival (Percy) Weasley fell out from his family and Mr. Potter at the start of the Second War, believing the contemporary Ministry that You Know Who was dead and a non-threat. Though they eventually rekindled, rumour has it that things never returned to what they once were, and that relations between him and his famous brother-in-law remained frosty. This was not aided by the latter's quick rise in the political sphere that Mr. Weasley so prized.

Yet, while Percy Weasley's involvement seems certain, this reporter considers this to be missing the more obvious brother. Ronald (Ron) Weasley has always been in the shadow of Mr. Potter. Friends since eleven, Mr. Weasley notoriously stabbed the hero in the back twice: during the 1994-1995 Triwizard Tournament which Mr. Potter was to win at great personal cost, and during their 1997 flee from the corrupt British Ministry under You Know Who's reign. The first was a childish fight of jealousy, but the latter was immensely telling. Mr. Weasley blamed Mr. Potter for the hardship that had befallen our world, and accused him of a love triangle with his current wife, Mrs. Hermione Granger (who kept her maiden name in marriage rather than changing it to Weasley). This second fight resulted in Mr. Weasley leaving his best friends without a thought, uncaring about the hurt and turmoil he was sentencing them to. A different interpretation, one that Miss Skeeter heavily hints at, is that Mr. Weasley and Mr. Potter were romantically involved. Because of this, it might be scorned love rather than spiteful resentment that spurned on this already infamous biography.

Mr. Weasley's and Mr. Potter's relationship has, since their first train ride to Hogwarts, tugged between loyal friendship and jealous bouts of anger. With Mrs. Granger and Mr. Potter being as close as ever, it would hardly be a stunning revelation to learn that Miss Skeeter's book marks Mr. Weasley's third (and perhaps final) act of misplaced revenge.


Harry!

Have you seen the article? Doesn't matter, I didn't talk! Perks is an idiot. Who'd believe anything that's in a rag like The Moon anyway? Still, I'd never talk to a reporter about you, let alone the beetle. I haven't seen Percy but he wouldn't have done this either. I was a jealous git as a kid, but I'd never turn on family by airing stupid rumours to the public. So why the hell would I do that to you now? Mental, Perks is. Always knew there was something shifty about her.

Still, she has one point. I was a git, especially for never apologising about stuff. So don't take the mick, but you know the dragons in fourth year? During the event I kept thinking you were going to die without your best mate. Then after the locket mess, I kept rehashing how I might never see you two again, how I was a b—d for shouting about your parents, and blimey. I'm sorry. But thanks. You know, for putting up with my stupidity. While falling in unrequited love with me. Or Wood, Diggory, Krum, and the ferret…really, the hell is Skeeter smoking?

Also, yeah. Never tell Hermione I was 'emotionally sensitive'. I'll deny it and lay the blame on you. But on the note of my very scary and brilliant wife, she's after your head. Sort of. She's actually after Ginny's for hiding you, but she's about to start hexing. So you might actually want to stay away a bit longer. Hermione's looking properly homicidal and she's still nothing compared to mum. Good luck, mate. You'll need it.

Cheers,

Ron


'INVASION OF THE WRACKSPURTS!'

Luna Scamander, The Quibbler's Corresponding Zoologist

Chaos resounds across Britain following Rita Skeeter's ill-timed journey from the United States. Skeeter failed to immunise herself, and thus irresponsibly brought back to her unprepared home nation an untold number of Wrackspurts from their native habitat along the North American eastern seaboard. We at The Quibbler hope that the Ministry is looking into awareness campaigns to ensure that this mistake is not repeated.

With a single go, Skeeter managed to exponentially increase the British population of the creatures overnight, and a continued rise is estimated in the coming weeks. We encourage the public to stay away from Skeeter's likely contaminated books, or anything that holds her picture (for that which holds the image of a Wrackspurt becomes the Wrackspurt itself).

While a certain number of Wrackspurts on one's person is harmless and, indeed, inevitable, this escalated population has reached dangerous levels. Symptoms of overexposure range from dazedness, dizziness, gullibility, an irresistible need to scapegoat, and the overall loss of common sense. If you feel that you've been infected, there is no need to panic. Distance yourself from any contaminated writing, clear your head, go to your happy place, and embrace the all-mighty power of fridge logic.

For especially bad cases, we recommend that you refamiliarise yourself with any official history book concerning the Second War. That ought to clear out any lingering Wrackspurts!


Ron,

Are you mental? I saw The Moon, but why'd you think I'd take that seriously? Thanks for letting me know, but I knew you weren't the leak. Or Percy, or any of the Weasleys. The very idea of that's actually pretty funny. Ginny's reading the article and can't stop laughing, though she's a bit put off she wasn't a real suspect. She's now mumbling something about labour, maniac kids, having to put up with me, and that a tell-all book might be just what the healer ordered? Yeah, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear any of that.

About the apologies? They weren't necessary and I forgave you years ago, but thanks all the same. You've always been my best friend and brother, so those fights were just that—fights. We both got angry and said things we regretted. Perks is an oblivious prat to call it 'betrayal', even though she couldn't have known about the locket's influence. Basically, we're both hot-headed. It's part of being Gryffindors. So shut it already.

As for Hermione being after me, I'll still be away from the office for a bit (sorry!). Even aside from this mess, Ginny and I have been talking about something. More on that later, this really isn't the time.

Last thing? If you say one more word on Skeeter's insinuations about my 'love affairs' or sexual orientation, I'll tell Ginny you spread those rumours. If you think Hermione's scary, you've never seen your sister in a proper rage.

Harry


Memo From: Hermione Granger

To: Entire Department of Magical Law Enforcement

Subject: Why is this still a problem?

Attachment: List of potential suspects

Since none of my earlier queries have been answered, I'm asking all of you again: how was this missed? We should've had ample warning, but instead we heard about Rita Skeeter with the rest of the world. Some of you must be wondering why we're focusing on this headache. This ridiculous book is accusing Harry Potter (a 'wizarding saviour' and the Head Auror) of a number of things (not least of which is an ambition towards dark magic when he was eleven), and the latter novels will surely contain heftier allegations. The press is having all of our heads, riots against the Ministry seem inevitable, international queries have been pouring in, and tensions between us and the muggle world have become stretched to the breaking point due to Skeeter's inclusion of the Dursleys! It's a problem, a big one, and now we have to deal with it.

If anyone's in agreement with the outcry from the media concerning my politics, I reiterate that freedom of speech is a wonderful, sacred right to be embraced. But blatant libel crosses the line from this personal freedom to the impeachment of others' rights. On a similar note, yes, Harry Potter is my brother-in-law and best friend. Yes, I've aided him in blocking previous so-called-biographies which made horrendously false, criminal accusations against him. However, I've also taken action against likewise terrible excuses of fables labelled as the truth, ranging from 'biographies' on Neville Longbottom, Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape, to Tom Riddle (Lord Voldemort).

I have no issue with true biographies, or stories which are admitted by their authors to be false. But when writers claim that Harry Potter is a fledging Dark Lord, that Draco Malfoy is a veela with a harem (including Harry and Ginny Potter, the departed Severus Snape, and myself), or that Tom Riddle was misunderstood and wanted to aid half-bloods/muggleborns against the pureblood elite, then yes, I have a problem with parading ridiculous excuses of fiction as fact! Yet, even with this, I have never outright blocked a publication from going to press. I merely inform the writers that heavy lawsuits would be in their futures. Unfortunately, Rita Skeeter brought in a third party nation to sneak this rubbish in. So for this book she's untouchable. But that doesn't mean we can't stop the rest of her plan from coming to fruition. Which brings us to the list of things I needed finished yesterday (commandeer a bundle of time turners if you must):

Someone needs to convince Ginny Potter to let her husband release more than just a written statement of denial. As this seems impossible, in the meantime put whatever stop you can to the betting rings. Start by questioning George Weasley.

In terms of security, check that the long-standing protections at 4 Privet Drive as well as the residences of the Potters are in working order. The threat of riots in other places is low at this stage, but keep the aurors and Hit-Wizards on stand-by. On that note, keep a close eye on the papers and 'politely request' retractions before the press truly goes for the jugular.

Finally, to directly 'combat' this, get everyone on the attached list in as soon as possible for imperius/obliviation testing or questioning. I also need to contact Skeeter's publishers as well as the American Magical Ambassador as soon as possible. Find out if she's under contract for all seven books, the planned release for the second volume, and how many countries they've sent this to. Though I know it's unlikely, try and get these novels, Johanna Rawthorne, or Rita Skeeter herself.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as gruff. But this is a professional and personal headache, and I just want all of this over as soon as possible. If that means I have to drag my relatives to as many interviews and press conferences as possible, so be it.


Excerpt from 'POTTER'S ARMY?'

Cassandra Hex, Daily Prophet Reporter

"…found out about it by accident." Zacharias Smith continued nonchalantly, taking a sip of gillywater as the crowds in The Three Broomsticks buzzed past. "Granger was talking to some of my House mates and it sounded like a laugh. The Boy Who Lived, you know? He was always within his little group, so the thought of really talking to the guy sounded brill. We all grew up with the stories so of course I was curious. Especially since he was tight-lipped about his so-called adventures."

Smith went on to mention with regret his, at the time, disbelief that You Know Who had truly resurrected. Yet this sceptical opinion was typical in 1995, which was when Fudge's Ministry vehemently opposed Harry Potter's and Albus Dumbledore's insistence that there was any threat to Britain.

"Most of us started coming to hear what Potter had to say." Smith stated, his eyes growing dark in remembrance. "Only, his inner group was massively overprotective. They deflected all our tries for the truth off—no change there, right? But after the first few meetings it became obvious this wasn't just a DADA study group like Granger claimed. Sure, I'll admit that Potter was in his element teaching us spells. The problem was what curses we were learning…"


A/N: I love the idea that the Golden Trio's generation was able to clean up the Ministry…but it's not as they couldn't do any wrong. While Harry, Hermione, and Ron might have brilliant morals, some of their decisions would inevitably come under fire. After the insanity they had to put up with during the war, I can easily see them taking censorship a bit too far in an effort to protect their own. Sure, Skeeter's the villain, but even the purebloods would have a valid criticism against our lovely heroes.