Merry Christmas.


Chapter Forty-Four: Awakening

I don't remember any of the funeral service for Murrue Ramius. I know that sounds awful, but I really don't. I was completely lost in my own little world, staring into space. I just could not process what was happening, whether it was listening to Natarle Badgiruel eulogize my captain, or any of the honors or even just the recording of the trumpet playing some sad song that was likely "Taps", the Anno Domini "classic".

I just remember thinking about Murrue, and then trying not to think about her because that would just make me cry. Over and over and over, the cycle repeated itself, and I forced myself to forget only to recall something else. I can only regret that Murrue cared for me in a way that went deeper than captain and subordinate, and I never realized it until the day she was gone.

And now she was dead because of me. Badgiruel could volunteer to take responsibility as much as she wanted, but I couldn't let Badgiruel do that. If I hadn't gotten pulled onto that island in the first place, Murrue never would have needed to rescue me, and then she'd still be here. She'd still be alive.

Everything had changed.

After Murrue's funeral, I returned to my quarters and just sat down on my bed. Tori was in the room, and it flew to my shoulder, and I shooed it away with my hand. It just flapped to the dresser and sat down, looking at me quizzically. I didn't give it a second glance after I saw it cock its head to the side in confusion. A robotic pet didn't mean very much to me.

How long was the ship going to hold together under Badgiruel? Badgiruel, unlike Murrue, seemed to inspire only fear in everyone. When Murrue was here, people could act a little looser. But now?

And then there was the reality that we had become a rogue ship too. Everyone was going to come after us. The ZAFT would definitely launch an attack, they would view us as an easy mark since we had nowhere to run. And the Earth Alliance, if they could, would likely scramble who they could to try to kill us.

It was just an unsettling feeling.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Elle walked inside the room. "Cagalli?"

I didn't want to see her either. I didn't want to see anybody. But I couldn't lash out at Elle. Not her.

"Elle."

Elle walked to my bed and sat down next to me. "I heard . . . someone say Murrue died to save you, didn't she?"

"She did," I replied.

"She was . . . nice," Elle said.

"She was. Very nice," I replied.

"Are we going to be okay? Without her?" Elle asked.

I turned to look at her, and Elle's eyes were shimmering. She was scared, she was on the verge of crying, she was asking me for any kind of reassurance.

"Yes. We'll be okay," I replied.

"How?" Elle asked.

I felt something growing inside me in that moment. It felt like right before I saw the brown seed, but different. I was angry. I was sick and tired of the war. I was sick of killing people, and sick of seeing people die. I wanted the Archangel to make it to Orb so I could be done with this for good.

I didn't feel like crying anymore. All I could think about was how I had let Murrue down with my stupid mistakes and temper tantrums and ultimately failing to protect her and everyone else on this ship. I couldn't let that happen again. I had already almost died twice and had to be bailed out by someone else. And this second time, my rescuer had died in the process.

Damn it. I wasn't going to let that happen again. I wasn't going to lose anymore.

"I'll protect everyone," I said. "No one else dies."

I thought about Athrun and his squad of soldiers who seemed solely dedicated to destroying us. I didn't want to kill Athrun. He had saved my life when I was falling through the atmosphere. I would not be here if it wasn't for him.

But he and his squad were definitely going to make one more try at destroying us. I could not let him succeed. Even if it meant that he and the rest of his squad died to ensure that everyone else lived.

"No one else dies," I said.

I folded my hands to keep them from clenching up in front of Elle. She was just a kid. I didn't want to scare her.

But that effort wasn't enough. "Cagalli, don't talk like that, you're scaring me."

"I'm not trying to scare you. There's nothing to be scared of. We're all going to Orb. You're going to be safe. I don't care what gets in my way, or who tries to stop me, but this ship is making it to Orb without anyone else dying. I swear it."

"Cagalli, please! You're really scaring me!" Elle shook my shoulder hard and I turn to look at her.

That's when it hit me.

It was my voice. My voice had gotten low, dangerous. Of course that would scare her. And my choice of words. They suggested violence, anger, hatred. That would frighten her too.

I forced my voice to relax and soften despite how thin my nerves were. I did my very best to smile in the calmest, most gentle way I could. "I'm sorry, Elle."

I wrapped my arm around her and brought her close. "I'm sorry. I won't talk like that anymore."

"Please don't," Elle said.

"I won't."

After that, I forced myself to only think of gentle, beautiful things. They seemed so pointless to me, but it was the only way to keep that kind persona Elle needed to see from me.

And it just felt wrong. All of it.

I couldn't let myself believe that, though. If I let that happen, the Cagalli I had been would finally be eradicated and be replaced by this soldier. What would Elle, Tolle, or any of my friends think of me if I let that happen? They were scared of me already. I was already on the verge of losing them all.

I would be no better than Natarle Badgiruel if I let that happen to me. I didn't want to be like her. Friendless, calculating, brutal.

No. I couldn't let that happen.

Was I losing my capacity to care? Not from a holistic standpoint. Like how I wanted to get close to people, love them, laugh with them.

I couldn't figure out how to stop that from happening.

I spent the whole day with Elle, talking with her, smiling, playing some stupid games with Elle's cat. Elle looked up to me a lot, smiling, and I kept up that kind face. I think I even believed in it for a while. But it just wasn't me.

I had no idea what I was anymore.

I just knew what I didn't want to be, even though I kept edging in that direction.

I didn't want to be Natarle Badgiruel.

I was not going to wind up like her.


"They're getting pretty bad."

That's what Jacqueline told us in the lobby outside sick bay. The Extended had been kept isolated from all of the other wounded onboard, given their own rooms.

It had been just two days since I had escaped from the base. Just one day after Murrue Ramius' memorial service. I wasn't ready to face this. To watch the children I rescued start to die.

I had promised myself that no one else would die. How I was going to maintain it if Sting, Auel, and Stellar were all to die, with us helpless to stop it?

"What our their symptoms?" Natarle Badgiruel asked.

Jacqueline shakes her head. "It reminds me of drug addicts after they quit cold turkey. They're feverish, sweating. I think the blue-haired one has turned delusional, he's screaming all the time and he's convulsing on and off. Not quite like he's having seizures, but close. The girl is almost as bad. The only one who seems to have any hope of recovery is the green-haired boy."

Just like Joan had predicted. Sting was the only one capable of pulling through. Auel and Stellar were fading fast.

"What are they screaming about?" Badgiruel asked.

"With the blue-haired boy, it seems to happen every time I mention the word 'mother'," Jacqueline says. "He then begins thrashing around and we had to restrain him, and then we restrained the others just to be safe. The girl just seems to be crying for this 'Joan'. The blue-haired boy too, when he's calmer."

Also just like Joan had predicted. The accuracy of Joan's predictions were uncanny. It just made me wonder about the true nature of the Extended, and what they exactly were.

Badgiruel sighed and she looked at me. "You brought them here. You have any idea how to help? 'Cause if you don't, I don't want these kids to suffer for much longer."

"They had a leader," I replied. "Her name was Joan. She said that the two kids, Auel and Stellar, imprinted on her."

"Imprinted?" Jacqueline's eyes widen. "Like a baby bird does with its mother?"

"That's not what Joan said but at this point I wouldn't be surprised if it was like that," I said.

"Damn it," Badgiruel growled.

"Joan told me there was a way to change the imprintment," I said. "Someone needs to take Joan's place in their minds. Not Sting's, he wasn't imprinted on her or anyone."

Badgiruel scoffed. "How does that help exactly?"

"Joan said it might give Auel and Stellar enough will to pull through their pain from the drug withdrawal," I said. "The Extended are not like us, ma'am. Joan said they were a 'new type' of human being. I don't know what's different about them, but they seem to have some kind of ESP."

Badgiruel facepalmed. "Give me a goddamn break."

"I'm just going by what Joan told me," I said.

Badgiruel shook her head. "All right. It doesn't really contradict any of the information I've read so far. It's just difficult to believe. Doctor Grumman, is there any chance you could try to let one of the children imprint on you, however it's possible?"

Jacqueline's blue eyes stared blankly. "Really?"

"I don't have any better ideas. It's either that or we euthanize them," Badgiruel said, her voice sharp. "I will not have these children slowly die in agony on my ship, Doctor. Either do this 'imprintment' or-"

"I'll do it," I said, surprising myself in the process.

Badgiruel spun to look at me. "Ensign?"

"I'll have the girl, Stellar, imprint on me," I said. "She kind of looks like me anyway. If she starts looking up to me like a sister it wouldn't look strange to people who wouldn't know."

I didn't know what possessed me to say that. Maybe it was my promise? Or maybe it was Stellar's uncanny resemblance to me, with just enough differences in her face and body that she couldn't be my clone. Or, finally, it was just Joan entrusting the Extended to me. I'd be letting Joan down if I let Auel and Stellar die.

"Fine," Badgiruel sighed. "Grumman, have the boy imprint on you. He seems to want a mother anyway. There's a place to start."

"What do you mean, 'a place to start'?" Jacqueline asks, her eyes fearful and confused at the same time.

"I don't know! Act maternal or something to the stupid boy!" Badgiruel shouted.

Jacqueline just looked away. "I don't even know where to start with that."

"Well, figure it out. That's an order," Badgiruel said.

"M-Maybe we should ask the third child? S-Sting Oakley," Jacqueline says, clearly terrified. "He might have some idea of what to do."

"Then do that," Badgiruel says. "Ensign, if you don't figure out how to make the Stellar girl imprint on you within an hour, I'm finding a substitute. I still need you on full alert, I can't have you wasting your time in sick bay."

"Yes, ma'am," I replied.

Badgiruel scoffed and walked away shaking her head. She was clearly dismayed at what was happening, and had no idea how to stop it. She had to feel completely powerless.

"What the hell do we do?" Jacqueline asked me.

"Ask Sting. That's all I have," I replied.

Jacqueline just groaned.


Sting looked like hell, but he at least recognized us. "You know, brilliant idea on springing us out of there, Cagalli. No wait, that was Stellar's idea. Remind me to kick her ass once I'm outta here. This . . . this whole thing just . . . just completely, totally, sucks."

"She won't be alive to have her ass kicked unless we can figure out how to help her," I replied.

Sting groaned, not from pain, but from dismay. "Damn it. It's not that hard! I've seen it happen myself!"

"We never saw 'it' happen, Sting," Jacqueline replies. "Both of your friends are fading fast. I'm sure they will begin going into seizures soon."

"Ah, seizures. Lovely things to see, aren't they," Sting growls. "Especially Stellar's. Girls moaning are hot."

I'm sure he was saying that just to piss me off because he felt miserable himself. I didn't care, though. I just whacked him on his sweaty head and made him moan for a second.

"Yeah, I deserved that," Sting groaned.

"How can we get them to imprint on us so they have a chance to live?" I asked as I wiped my hand on one of Sting's sheets.

Sting just shook his head. "You're going to have to convince them that you care for them. You need to make them think of you as family, and convince them to let go of Joan and latch onto you instead. Like a sister or mother. Shouldn't be too hard for Stellar, she got convinced like six or seven times at the base. Auel is the one who'll be tough. He was with Joan a lot longer than Stellar was."

"Wunderbar," Jacqueline grumbles.

"That simple, huh?" I ask.

"Pretty much," Sting groans.

"Then that's what I'm going to do. Thanks," I said as I stood up.

"You sure you're ready for this?" Sting asked as I was about to reach the door.

"Yes," I said.

Sting just chuckled. "Well then, there's nothing else to say. Good luck to the both of ya."

I should've stayed, and questioned Sting further, especially on the cryptic way he left off. If I had, I would've known what I was getting into. I could've had someone else, someone older, someone more prepared for the consequences, take my place. There is no way I would've let what did happen, well, happento me if I had known.

Or, at least, I could've enjoyed a few more minutes of my life.

It just never occurred to me that when I would enter Stellar's room, I would exit the room different.

Why would it?

It was just supposed to be an imprintment procedure.

I never thought of the consequences to myself.

And the consequences were enormous. Far greater than I ever thought.


Stellar was restrained by three brown belts, wrapped around her chest, stomach, and legs. Two smaller brown belts were wrapped around her wrists. Like she was an insane mental patient. Her mouth was clenched, and she was trying her best to twist and turn, like she was caught in a horrific nightmare. She was sweating worse than Sting was, her hair and pillow were both soaked, and every breath she took came out as a low, pained moan, like it hurt just to breathe.

She was looked up to an IV, that was putting fluid into her so she wouldn't become completely dehydrated. But the fluid was a poor substitute for the zillions of drugs that had likely been pumped into her daily at the Blue Cosmos island base. It wasn't going to be enough to save her.

As I leaned over her bed, Stellar's eyes opened slowly. "J-Joan?"

"It's Cagalli," I said.

"C-Cagalli?" Stellar closed her eyes and let out a soft cry of a pain. "C-Cagalli, where . . ." She swallows. "Where is Joan?"

"Joan didn't make it," I said softly.

"No," Stellar moaned. "No. No. No. Not Joan. I need her."

She was starting to get more frantic. I reached over and grabbed her left hand. "Stellar. I need you to focus. Joan's not going to be here for you anymore. I will be."

"C-Cagalli?"

"I'll be here for you from now on, Stellar," I said, gripping her disgustingly sweaty hand the best I could while still trying to look into her eyes. "I'm here for you. You can trust me, Stellar."

"T-Trust you? I don't . . ." Stellar's teeth clenched as she suppressed another cry of pain.

"That's right. I need you to trust me. I'm here for you."

"I . . . I don't u-understand. Joan . . . I need Joan!"

Hearing that made me want to kick Stellar's ass for being so obtuse, but I forced the emotions down. Stellar moaned as I suppressed the aggressive anger I had felt, and it took me a moment to remember that Stellar had ESP. She could sense that I was getting angry with her, and she didn't know what she was doing wrong. So she was getting frightened and confused, and that wasn't going to help me save her.

It reminded me of Elle from the day before.

"Stellar," I said, in the kindest voice I could muster, "I saved you from the base, remember? You're on the ship. We're taking you to safety."

"Safety?"

"That's right. You're going to be safe. You're going to live a wonderful, peaceful life, Stellar," I said. "Come on. Don't let this beat you. You're stronger than this."

"C-Cagalli, I . . ." Stellar's teeth clenched again and she let out another cry.

"Stellar, look at me in the eyes!" I pleaded.

Stellar's eyes re-opened, and I forced myself not to look away.

Her eyes, similar in eerie ways to my own, were desperate, begging. Stellar was sensing that she was dying, and she didn't know why. She just wanted Joan, and Joan wasn't here.

With my other hand, my right, I reached over and rubbed her cheek. It was an awkward position, my left hand holding Stellar's left while I was doing that, testing the absolute range of my wingspan, and it made both of my arms ache in their sockets in seconds. But I didn't know what else to do.

"Stellar," I said, removing my left hand from Stellar's before my arms felt like they were going to rip right off, "I've gotten you this far. The rest of this is up to you. You need to live, Stellar. You can't die here."

"D-Die?" Stellar's eyes widened.

Damn it. I'm such an idiot.

"Stellar, don't do this to me! That's not what's going to happen here! I won't let you die, understand? I'm here for you!"

"I won't . . . I won't die?"

I was seriously going to destroy all of Blue Cosmos for messing with this girl and all of those other kids so much. "No. You won't. You won't. I'll protect you. I'll be like your big sister, okay?"

"B-Big sister?" That seemed to trigger something in Stellar, as her pupils suddenly began to widen, like they were dilated.

I had no idea what was happening, and whether it was good or bad, but it seemed to suggest something. I had to take the risk and hope it was a goodthing, like Stellar was ready to imprint. "That's right. I'll be your big sister, okay, Stellar? I'll keep you safe. I'll always keep you safe."

"B-Big sister . . . Cagalli," Stellar mumbled, and then she twitched in her bed, like she was trying to get up and break out of her restraints, but the restraints held and she felt back into bed.

"That's right. Big sister Cagalli. That's me," I said as calm as I could.

Stellar just responded to that by crying out.

Was she seizing up? Should I call for Jacqueline to get in here? I didn't know what to do. Was this normal?

I sensed pressure in the room all of a sudden. No. Not in the room. My body didn't feel any different.

It was all in my head.

What was Stellar doing?

"Big sister Cagalli," Stellar moaned as her head thrashed back and forth.

"That's right," I managed to say, wondering whether I should run for my life or stay here.

Suddenly, Stellar's head centered on the pillow, and she opened her eyes, and all I could see were her pupils, like her irises had vanished from existence.

"Cagalli," was all she said.

And then it was like a needle went right into my brain.

Everything became white.

Then black.

Then I felt cold.

Then I felt pain. Lots of it. All in my head. Like a migraine. No. Worst than a migraine. I could hardly open my eyes, everything was so bright.

I felt warmth.

So much warmth, a beautiful radiance so close by.

Why? Why did I feel warm when my body wanted to shiver like it was cold?

It didn't make sense.

And the pain . . . it wasn't lessening. I could feel my hands grab my head in a vain effort to stop the pain, but it wasn't helping at all.

The comforting warmth seemed to reach out to me. Like it was asking if I was okay.

How did I know this?

I thought I heard a voice. Distant. I forced my eyes open, and all I could see were blurs, but I could tell that I was staring at the underside of a hospital bed, and I was on the floor.

The pain in my head lessened, just enough that everything didn't look so bright.

I reached my hand to the top of the bed, and forced myself to try to stand up. That just made the pain worse all over again. I felt so many things, all in my head, that didn't make sense. I sensed fear and pain close by, along with another beacon of warmth. I sensed something dark, but not evil, also close by. More like a malicious amusement.

How was I feeling this?

I staggered to my feet and instead leaned against the wall, trying to ignore the sensations I was feeling.

The warmth. The warmth was to my left. So close by.

I turned my head, and there was Stellar, staring at me, still sweating but giving me the sweetest smile I had ever seen in my life.

The warmth turned into a blaze, and I felt myself being wrapped up in it, like it was a blanket. It gave me comfort, and dulled the pain in my head, and I just wanted to be lost in it even though I couldn't understand it.

That's when it hit me.

Stellar was the warmth.

What I was feeling . . . had to be her trust. And her love.

How did I know this? What just happened?

Stellar had clearly done something to me. What it was, I didn't know, and I couldn't understand.

No. I knew. I just didn't want to admit it.

"Stellar?" I asked.

"Big sister Cagalli," she said.

She didn't need to say anything else. The warmth felt so strong. It was pulling me towards her. She was alive. She had pulled through her withdrawal, and now she was asking me to free her from her restraints. They weren't needed anymore.

The warmth felt so wonderful that I wanted to free her. I could not bring myself even to question my actions.

I ran around the bed, undoing all of the restraints one by one, until Stellar could finally sit up on her bed. It was only then that I realized what I had done, but I didn't feel like I had done anything wrong at all.

"Stellar," I said.

Stellar stood up, and looked at me with that same adoring, honest smile. Tears were forming in her eyes. "Thank you, Cagalli."

The raw joy I felt from her brought tears to my own eyes. I didn't feel like I was dying inside anymore. It was like Stellar reaching out to me was comforting me, healing me.

I ran up to her and hugged her, and she returned the embrace instantly. I don't know how long we were locked together like that in that room, but the swell of emotion I felt from Stellar was so amazing that I was afraid to let it end. The emotion made me feel happy. I didn't want to let it go. I needed this. I needed this happiness as long as possible.

"What did you do to me?" I finally asked.

"You're my big sister now," Stellar replied.

"What am I feeling?" I asked.

"Everything. You're like me now. My big sister should be like me, right?"

In anything but her happy, innocent tone of voice, those words would be eerie, condemning, horrifying, like she had somehow gotten control over me. But it didn't feel that way to me at all. I just felt . . . connected.

"What happens now?" I finally asked.

Stellar giggled, yes, giggled next to me, and I found it endearing for some odd reason. "Whatever we want. We're going to be safe, right, Cagalli?"

I found myself giggling too. I just felt so wonderful in that moment that I didn't care how girlish I was acting. "That's right. We're going to be safe. All of us."

I held my new little sister tighter, and it was like we were one gigantic fire, warming up the whole room. "We're all going to be safe."

For the first time in a long time, I really believed in myself. I believed in what I was saying.

"We're all going to be safe, Stellar."


Gundam SEED: Bloodlines will resume regular updates in January/February 2013.

My previous fic, Gundam SEED Kismet, which I mentioned in the first chapter, I've opted to label a deadfic as I cannot bring myself to finish it. I've folded a couple of the plotlines into the Bloodlines universe.

And yes, Cagalli has gone Newtype. I'm surprised people didn't pick up on the Extended=Newtype hints from previous chapters.