It's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!
Breather/filler chapter to ease people back into things. Next chapter will have the battle.
Chapter Forty-Six: Unity
No one else dies.
The thought had possessed me completely by the next day. It was inside every fiber of my being. I was determined, above all else, to make sure every single person onboard the Archangel made it to Orb alive. No one else would wind up like Murrue or Elle's mother. And Flay and Mu La Flaga were not going to get shot down.
If anyone was gonna die, it was gonna be me. Plain and simple.
No one else dies.
Stellar could find someone else to bond with if I died. Elle would be heartbroken but surely my friends could convince their parents to take her in or point her in the direction of my parents. I was debating writing a note in case I didn't make it and giving it to Elle so she could give it to my parents in the event I didn't make it.
I ultimately didn't do it. I knew Elle was going to open up any note I gave to her and read it anyway because she's a little kid and that's what they do. And then she would cry and then beg me to not act like I wasn't going to make it too.
I didn't want to die either. But I didn't want to leave Elle in the lurch if I got captured or was killed. I just didn't know what to do.
No one else dies.
That was the only thing I was sure of.
If I accomplished that, all of my worrying wouldn't mean a thing.
Kira gave me an odd look when I went over to the Strike the next morning. "What?" I snapped. I was crabby and tired, what can I say?
"You look like you didn't sleep at all last night," Kira says.
"Oh, I slept all right," I replied. "I just had nightmares keep waking me up. And don't ask me what they were, because I can't remember them."
That was true. I had woken up four times that night, all because of a terror I could not escape and yet could not remember. The most I could remember was something involving a room, something rising from the floor, me panicking, breaking through a door, running into a hallway and being chased. I made it outside, into a bustling, normal-looking city, but the supernatural entity was still chasing me, so I kept running and made this impossible jump over a railing onto a sidewalk and kept running until I woke up.
That was the only part of any of the nightmares I could remember, and I don't know why that stuck with me of all things.
My connection to Stellar also felt a little duller. Like a thin haze had enveloped it. I wasn't sure why it is, but the sensations I had felt yesterday weren't quite as strong. I wasn't going to worry about that yet, maybe I was just getting used to having them or something, but that was something to think about too.
"I hope Elle wasn't startled by you waking up so much," Kira said. It was close to common knowledge by that point that I was Elle's caretaker and she usually shared my bed.
"She slept fine, as much as I could tell," I replied. "Honestly, I don't get much sleep. It's either Elle waking up and crying or I waking up from a nightmare most days. Thank God both things don't usually happen on the same night or I'd be crazy."
Kira chuckled. "Well, to be honest, despite you looking exhausted you're not acting like the weight of the world's on your shoulders for once. It's like somebody took the weight off and you're like cooling down or something."
"How do you mean?" I asked.
"You just don't seem as stressed. Tired, sure, but you're more relaxed about it."
The truth was, I had someone taking the load off of me psychologically, and that was Stellar. But I knew I shouldn't explain that to Kira, or he'd think me weirder than ever. It was bad enough I felt a strange sense of familiarity with him at that point, like I should know him better than I did.
That feeling was not making me comfortable. No, I'd go as far to say as I was getting creeped out.
"I'm trying to relax," I replied, which was vague but also the truth. "I mean, I'm not doing meditation or anything but I'm just trying not to worry. I'm just thinking about Elle and my friends and try not to think about the Strike or the possibility of a fight."
Kira smiled. "Unfortunately, you gotta think about the Strike right now. It's pretty likely we're going to be fighting an aerial battle over the sea, and I'm trying to get the flight systems calibrated. You're going to be testing them in a simulator and then the real thing."
"So I'm getting my launch pack back," I said.
"Pretty much, yeah," Kira said. "Besides, we're over water. GUNDAMs can't walk on water yet. So unless you're in the mood for a deep sea dive, we gotta make sure the Strike can fly in the atmosphere, even if it's just rudimentary."
"I've already taken one deep sea dive too many," I replied. It did lead me to Stellar and her friends, but . . . that dive had also ultimately gotten Murrue killed.
No one else dies.
I wasn't going to make such a mistake again. I was staying out of the water for sure this time.
"All right, I think we're set for the simulator." Kira got out of the cockpit. "Give it a go and tell me what you think."
"Sounds good."
I played around with the Strike for about an hour. The entire time, Kira was watching me, and he shook his head multiple times when I simulated combat. I could feel apprehension from him, I didn't even need to look at him to know something was wrong. But I couldn't figure out what.
"Is something wrong?" I finally asked.
"Just making mental notes of stuff I overlooked," Kira said. "I need to sit back down and fix them."
"The Strike seems serviceable enough the way it is," I replied. "I think you need a break. You've been glued to this thing since before we set sail across the ocean."
Kira laughed. "Well, it's kind of my job. No one else knows how to improve the Strike besides me."
"Doesn't mean you can't take a few hours away from this thing before your eyeballs fall out," I replied. "Seriously, they're pretty bloodshot. Take some time away from the Strike."
Kira scratched the back of his neck. "Well . . . I guess I should. Lemme write down what I noticed was wrong though."
"Yeah, go ahead." But in truth, I couldn't wait for him to leave.
I felt like I should know Kira much better than I did, and I could not shake that feeling. It was a relief for Kira to leave the hangar, because I couldn't stand it anymore.
Why? Why did it feel like I should know him so much more?
I couldn't understand whatever Stellar had done to me, but it was starting to get seriously weird. I wanted to go back to normal. I wanted to turn whatever this was off. It did feel a little less strong but I wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean.
I felt more helpless than ever.
"You feel it too," Jacqueline Grumman said to me when I spoke with her later on. "Wonderbar. Just what we both need, to be creepy psychics just like the Extended. I was hoping you had avoided that somehow."
"I clearly haven't," I said. "Have you figured out some sort of 'off' switch for this? I can just tell I'm going to get sick of being this way before too long."
"No," Jacqueline said softly. "I haven't. And I can't really concentrate. Auel's suddenly become veryinterested in what I do and he keeps trying to mess with my scalpel in particular."
Auel, possibly the craziest person among Stellar and her group of friends, with a scalpel. Yeah, that didn't bring to mind comforting thoughts. "Yeah. I'd give Auel the priority here."
Jacqueline sighed. "Actually, part of me wonders whether we are experiencing an 'off' switch right now. Has your connection to Stellar faded at all, even a tiny bit?"
"I guess so," I replied. "Everything feels a little more dull if it makes sense. It's not a big difference but I can tell."
Jacqueline nodded. "I've definitely detected a significant difference on my end. Even before the first day was over I could feel the sensations becoming less sharp and dramatic. I think our ESP is beginning to go away, Cagalli. Little by little."
Part of me didn't want to believe her. Part of me did. I was completely torn between both possibilities. I wanted Stellar's warmth, but at the same time, I wanted to go back to normal. I wanted to be like my friends again, well, at least as close to being like my friends as I could. I was creeping everyone out and if whatever Stellar did to me was wearing off . . .
But Stellar was so happy when I had turned into a 'new type of human being' just like her. It was like I had become her closest friend, the one person she could identify with and trust, and I was going to slip away slowly. And I enjoyed Stellar's warmth. Without saying a word, I would just feel better because of the feelings and emotions she was sending me. There was no need for conversation.
Which was better?
"I only feel a slight difference," I say. "I don't know if I'm just getting used to it or if it's going away. If it's like what you're saying though, it's going away . . . just not as fast."
"You're a Coordinator and you're also significantly younger than me," Jacqueline replied. "Those could be reasons why you may not be reverting as quickly. There's no way to tell, not without several experiments, and we don't have the equipment or the time to do them. Not to mention that I don't even know where to start."
She had a point there. "True. I don't want to be a guinea pig anyway."
"It's really fascinating, the sensations I feel, and this sense of connection. I can't find the words to describe it," Jacqueline said.
"I wonder why they're permanently that way and we aren't," I replied.
"They're not like the two of us. I'm a Natural, and you're a Coordinator. They are . . . 'Extended'. Whatever Blue Cosmos did to them made them that way and made it permanent," Jacqueline said. "They are truly a new type of human being."
"They were talking about other things, there being a Project X612 and a 'For All' project and God-knows what else," I said. "The Extended played a role in that. I wonder if Badgiruel has anything about those projects on her."
"Probably wouldn't tell you either way," Jacqueline replied, and I didn't need ESP to know she was telling the blunt truth there.
I didn't want to tell Jacqueline, or anyone else, the whispers of that 'Djibril' person, about how I would beperfect for this 'For All' Project, or that they were worried ZAFT would use me for 'Project X612'. It was becoming clear that even without being Extended-fied that I wasn't like anyone else and I didn't want that to become even more obvious.
Everything I had heard about me, from Hilda's brief mentions to Doctor Malcolm and 'Djibril' having their conversation, was terrifying. What was I, really?
"You're right about that," was all I said to Jacqueline.
The doctor smiled at me. "Are you all right? I don't need this ESP to know that you're clearly troubled. Perhaps that is why our little gifts are fading away for the both of us, neither of us need it."
"I've had a very long stint on this ship," I replied, shaking off the implication she was giving me about what I was feeling. "I'm tired and am sick of fighting and now I don't have Murrue Ramius onboard. She was a good captain and better person. I felt a lot better with her."
"The entire ship misses her," Jacqueline replied. "She was everyone's captain, even to I and the others who joined this ship at Artemis. I've had this feeling that this ship has become unified in a way that doesn't usually happen, even in the military."
"You think so?" I asked. I was kind of surprised by this. I never thought about this ship's crew that way, not to that extent.
"Yes. I could sense it from the moment Auel did what he did to me," Jacqueline replied. "All of us, regardless if whether we were there at the start, your refugee pod, or Artemis, or joined you as random stragglers in the desert, we are this ship's crew. I believe that if we hadn't become a rogue ship, most of us would not have left the Archangel at Orb. We would have stayed onboard until Alaska, for the sake of the ship and everyone onboard."
"What are you saying, like this ship was a melting pot or something?" I asked.
"Exactly, that's a good term for it," Jacqueline says. "We've all set aside our differences for the good of the ship and everyone else onboard. We are truly a special crew that way."
I had never truly realized this before. I had almost thought it a few times, but never really thought we were some band of brothers and sisters or something.
I suppose the doctor was right. We had become something like that, we had been forced to because of our struggles and all of the fighting.
First, there had been the decimated original crew who managed to keep the Archangel in one piece under Badgiruel's command at Heliopolis. The Archangel had succeeded in chasing Rau Le Creuset, the feared ZAFT special forces commander, off. I guess things have gone full circle that way, Badgiruel is back in command now.
Then they picked Murrue, Kira, myself, and Mu La Flaga all up. We survived the destruction of Heliopolis together. I brought the Orb refugee ship onboard. All of them save Elle have become part of this ship's crew, working on maintainence or on the guns or something else, and Elle is more than justified in not becoming a full-fledged member. Quite a few of them have even died for the sake of this ship, killed in action.
Then came Artemis. Scattered Artemis personnel who had initially planned on seizing this ship wound up staying on-board because they couldn't get off the vessel before it launched . . . or had opted to stay because they would be more likely to survive. They had made the right decision. Artemis was destroyed with the cost of almost to a man. Only four Mobile Armor pilots had gotten away besides the crew that had stayed onboard the Archangel. Those four were dead, dead because of my screw-up, and their deaths are among the many things I wish I could have back. But the surviving Artemis personnel, including Jacqueline Grumman, have intergrated into the ship's personnel just like the Orb citizens have. They've found roles and are seamlessly helping to guide a ship.
Then there was the small amount of personnel, mostly maintainence personnel, that came onboard from Halberton's fleet. Then, lastly, about a dozen or so special-forces troopers who had literally hoofed it from Tassil, where they had been sent to rescue me, all the way to the Archangel. They are the most battle-hardened of us all, and have formed the security force onboard. Three or four of them died in order to save me in the Blue Cosmos facility, but there are others still alive. I don't think I could have been saved if it weren't for those soldiers.
We had all become a part of this, and Murrue was . . . she was our leader. She had our respect and she knew she could not run such a diverse group of people like a typical military commander and did not try to. She ran things her own way and she created something that will likely never be replicated again. Now it was up to Badgiruel to try to hold things together until we could make it to a safe port.
"I guess," I finally said, "You're right. It's almost as if we've become a family."
"We are a family," Jacqueline says. "A big one, with all of us being different in our own ways. I think this ship has become home to us, at least in some small way. None of us are ever going to forget this ship or anyone who's served on it, no matter how long they've lived."
"I wouldn't go that far," I replied. "But we are different, I'll give you that."
Jacqueline just smiled. "True, we are."
"And I'm going to protect all of us. I think we're going to fight one last battle before we're safe," I said. "I'm going to fight it and win. And then we're done with this stupid war."
"Perhaps. Perhaps not. There's the question of what will happen once we land in Orb," Jacqueline replied. "Orbwill be harboring fugitives, after all."
"We'll worry about that once we get there," I said. "Right now, I'm just going to worry about the present. Which is all of us surviving, no matter what they throw at us. Or who 'they' turn out to be."
Jacqueline nodded. "I suppose you're right about this one, Cagalli."
I knew I was right. Unfortunately.
No one else dies.
The thought was gripping me again as I walked through the hallways. I just had this odd sense of dread. Like I could almost feel a battle approaching. I couldn't shake it and I was getting nervous, and it was becoming hard to control my adrenaline or my emotions. I just knew something was wrong. That something was coming.
I was getting really antsy and nervous and I had no idea what to do with myself. I just wanted to throw on my pilot's uniform and just wait on standby in the Strike.
No one else dies.
"Cagalli?"
I turned. It was Stellar. "Hi."
"You're scared."
"I guess so." I couldn't help but look away from Stellar's gaze. What Jacqueline had said was weighing on my mind.
"Stellar . . . do I feel farther away to you? Or something?" I asked.
I looked at Stellar to see her holding her arm shyly. "Yes," she finally said. "You do. I didn't want to say anything, but . . ."
That pretty much confirmed it. The wonderful feelings, the sense of connection I was feeling with her, it was all going to go away. I was fading, soon I wouldn't be like Stellar at all, I was just going to be me again. Perhaps it would be tomorrow, perhaps it would be next week. But I knew, right then and there, that I wasn't going to stay this way.
"Stellar, I just want you to know that everything I've said still counts," I said. "I guess I'm just not ready yet to be . . . like you. It doesn't change that I'm going to help you once we set foot in Orb. It's not going to change that you're going to have a family."
"I know." Stellar's eyes shimmered. "Your senses are still strong enough to feel it though, don't you? You know something's coming."
So Stellar felt it too. The sense of apprehension. "Yes. I feel it. If I were to guess, it's ZAFT. They're coming to capture us before we can finish our dash to Orb."
"You will still keep us safe, right?" Stellar asked.
"Yes, of course I will." I tried to smile to reassure her. "I'm not going to let them through to attack this ship. I promise. We're going to be safe. Like I said, Orb's a beautiful, peaceful, amazing country. You'll love it there."
"I know that. I know it because you mean it. You're not . . . you always tell the truth to me, Cagalli." Stellar returned my smile. "You don't tell 'jokes' to me."
I guess from Stellar's perspective that made me a great person. I just took it as meaning I needed to give Stellar more practice in casual conversation. "I don't lie to people I care about."
The feeling that battle was fast approaching seemed to get more palpable. I looked at Stellar. "I'm going to head to the pilots' room. I think I'm going to be needed shortly. Keep an eye on Elle for me."
"Okay, Cagalli." Stellar nodded and smiled, and I waved at her as I turned around and began walking away.
I tried to get myself ready. This was the last battle approaching. The battle that would decide whether we would make it to safety or not. I just needed to beat Athrun and his subordinates, Nicol, Dearka, and Asta. I was sure it was Athrun and his subordinates. It was just too perfect.
As I approached the pilots' dressing room, I heard the alarm go off, followed by Natarle Badgiruel's voice. "We have enemy Mobile Suits approaching the Archangel. All hands to primary combat stations!"
I knew it. I also knew that I was going to miss this ability of mine. This was the only battle I was going to have with it. I was going to use it all up in this battle and then head home and collapse and just wait out the rest of the war. That was my plan.
For the first time, I wanted to fight. I was anticipating it. Even eagerly waiting for my chance to get out there and win.
It wasn't a feeling of invulnerability. It wasn't a sense of 'we're almost there, we're gonna make it'. It wasn't anything like that.
I wanted to get out there and fight because I had made a promise to myself. Jacqueline Grumman's words reminded me how special of a ship this was, and how special the crew was, and how important every single life was onboard. It was my responsibility to defend this ship and everyone onboard.
I was ready to fight, and I was going to get it.
It was the first time I was going to approach battle with full confidence in myself, my machine, and my abilities.
I wasn't going to kill Athrun if I could help it. Or his friends. Or even Asta unless she forced the issue which wouldn't surprise me at all. But I was going to do what I had to do in order to make sure this ship made it to Orb. After Orb, whatever was gonna happen was gonna happen. I had no control over that.
This was what I had control over.
My hands clenched into fists briefly, and then I relaxed them, and opened the door to the dressing room.
No one else dies.
This was going to be my last battle, and I was going to win.
Once and for all.
Cagalli's Newtype condition is NOT permanent. It's going to wear off. It's a side effect of being imprinted on, but as she is not an Extended she can't hold the Newtype abilities (whatever Blue Cosmos did to the Extended made the Newtype abilities permanent but Cagalli's had none of that). That's not saying Stellar can't turn them back on, but under normal circumstances, Cagalli's just going to go back to being a normal Coordinator (well, as far as her own origins go all things considering).
