Lelouch woke up in a cold sweat.

And then he fell back asleep, because it was five in the morning, an ungodly hour to get up at. He wasn't sure how the rest of the student body did it.

Maybe it's because they don't have a part-time job as a terrorist.

Unfortunately, Lelouch's attempt to get some well-deserved sleep and drift off to Dreamland, his ringtone sounded throughout the room. It was so loud, so grating, that it could only be described as unadulterated musical terrorism.

DA-DA-DA…DAAAAAAAAA-DADADADA! DA! DA-DA! DA-DADAD-ADA-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

"OH MY GOD, I'M ANSWERING, HOLD ON," Lelouch screamed, to nobody in particular.

He groggily reached for his cellphone, managing to knock it off his nightstand. Furious, Lelouch got out of his bed, walked up to the phone, and pressed the little green "Answer" button.

"Yes, hello?" he answered. He sounded drunk.

"Oh my god, Lelouch, come to Choir. Right now. Right now. Oh man. RIGHT NOW, MAN. CHOIR."

Now Lelouch was awake. "Rivalz? Everything okay?"

"I don't know how to explain it Lelouch, but I think I MIGHT BE ZERO."

Lelouch paused, a bemused expression on his face. He wasn't expecting that one, for sure. "Run that by me one more time?"

"Dude I swear to god I'm Zero. And YOU'RE…"

Lelouch's stomach dropped. Please no.

"…gonna have to help me!"

Shakily, Lelouch sighed and gave an imperceptible nod. "I'll be over in ten minutes, Rivalz. Just hang tight."

Eleven minutes later, Lelouch was dressed and walking out into the bitter cold of early Japanese mornings. Each morning seemed to get colder and colder, but there was a particularly frosty bite in the air this morning. Lelouch felt it rattling in his chest. Maybe it was nerves, but Lelouch suspected it was just the snow or something. He entered into the F Building and maneuvered his way down the regal hallways – why do they all look the same? – before finally stumbling upon the choir room. He opened the door, and got a grasp on his surroundings. Namely, Rivalz sitting on a bench near the grand piano, looking mortified.

This is stupid.

"Hey, Rivalz," Lelouch muttered, taking off his scarf. "So. What… seems to be the problem?"

"Lelouch, buddy, you and I are best friends, right? True amigo homeslice chummy-chum dudebro friends, right? Friendliest of friends that ever friended?"

"Yeah, sure, why not."

"So, like, you understand why I had to come to you about this. You're the only person who could understand!"

"Oh my god, you're coked up again, aren't you?"

Rivalz idly swiped at the faint white line underneath his nose. "No. Lelouch, you gotta believe me. I think I'm Zero! And this whole time, I NEVER KNEW!"

Lelouch rubbed his eye, ran a hand through his uncombed hair and leaned against the grand piano, careful to phrase his next words. "How did you come to this conclusion?"

"IT ALL MAKES SENSE, MAN! The edgy helmet!"

It's not edgy, it's spiky and supposed to protect me from bullets.

"The tight pants!"

They're not that tight…

"The hammy gestures!"

Fuck, I have a problem, don't I?

"The… the FABULOUSNESS!"

Oh god, is this an intervention?! WAS IT REALLY THAT OBVIOUS?

"Everything just points to one undeniable conclusion… that I, Rivalz Cardemonde, am ZERO!" Rivalz emphasized the last word by flailing his arms around.

"R-Rivalz, calm down," Lelouch attempted. "Now, just because you and Zero have similar… ways of dressing and acting—"

As if. You'll never be half as fab as me.

"—it doesn't mean that you necessarily are Zero. Make sense?"

"Oh, that makes sense," Rivalz said, apparently pacified. All tension had gone out of his shoulders. "What a relief."

"Yeah, sure."

"Should probably dispose of the costume in my backpack, then."

What.

"After all, since I'm not Zero, what use do I have for it? Zero probably wants his outfit back."

Yes he does. Also WHAT?!

"Uh, what?" Lelouch whispered.

Rivalz opened up his backpack and leafed through it before pulling out a helmet and cape. To be more precise, Zero's helmet and cape. Lelouch blinked, three times. It wasn't a trick of the eyes, it wasn't some hallucination. Just to be sure, Lelouch smacked himself, then pinched himself. Nope. Still Zero's helmet and cape.

"where did you get that?" Lelouch asked, his voice all but gone by this point.

"My closet, dude! Weren't you listening? Like I said, Zero probably wants this back."

Lelouch was sweating. "uh, rivalz, i can deliver it for you. you probably got classes to go to and stuff."

"Really? Thanks a million!"

Somebody else walked into the choir room at that moment, and Lelouch whipped around, his Geass flaring to life, fully prepared to order the poor sucker into forgetting they were ever here. He stopped when he realized it was Milly Ashford.

To be more precise, Milly Ashford, dressed in Zero's outfit. No helmet, though.

What.

"THERE you two are," Milly said, brushing some dust off her – Lelouch's? – cape. "I was going to ask you two if you've seen Zero around. Somehow I wound up in his… very comfortable uniform."

Whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat

"Aw man, you too?!" Rivalz moaned, smacking his forehead. "And I thought I was the only one!"

Whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat

"Well, surprise!" Milly said, twirling around, making the cape swirl around with her. "I've been looking everywhere for Zero! But I guess he didn't feel like showing up to class today."

Whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat

"I like snow cones," Rivalz blurted out.

"Lelouch?" Milly questioned, staring at him with ignorant bliss. "Have you seen Zero around?"

"Who's Zero?" Lelouch managed, his brain short-circuiting.

Somebody else walked into the choir room.

OH MY GOD, A MIDGET ZERO?!

The Midget Zero took off its helmet… revealing Nina Einstein. Lelouch wasn't sure which option was more terrifying.

"Oh… hey, everyone," Nina whispered, with her ghostly, shy soprano of a voice. "I guess you've been having the same problems too?"

"Yuuup," Rivalz muttered, idly playing a few black keys on the piano.

F Sharp, C Sharp, B, A Sharp…

"Zero is MIA," Rivalz drawled out.

F Sharp A Sharp times Infinity.

"How embarrassing," Nina muttered, a blush crossing her cheeks. "I walked around with the helmet on and people started asking for my autograph. I was… popular, actually. But I felt super guilty. I knew that if I took the helmet off, they'd ask for me to cross my signature out, or throw it away or something."

"Awww, little Nina's getting popular!" Milly effused.

"Hey guys, maybe we should practice some of our songs," Lelouch offered, his voice strained as hell.

"No, no, we must get down to the bottom of this!" Milly declared, jutting her index finger and hips out for emphasis. "I won't rest until we give Zero his outfits back!"

"Hey, maybe you should all give me your outfits and then I can go look for him for you guys. Save you the effort."

Everyone in the room turned to look at Lelouch.

Fuck.

His Geass activated—

"Um, Lelouch, I'd have to change first," Milly reminded him.

"Same," Nina said.

"Oh, right," Lelouch said. He felt his Geass simmer down.

"Was that just an excuse to see me naked~?" Milly attempted, winking.

"Sure."

"…Wasn't expecting that for an answer."

"I wouldn't mind, either. For science, of course," Rivalz offered.

Yet another individual entered the choir room full of Zeroes.

I'm gonna deduce that's Shirley. And she's probably clad in a Zero outfit, right?

"Oh my god, we're all matching?!"

Yeah, that's Shirley. Shirley still had Zero's helmet on, but unlike Nina, she didn't take it off.

Probably afraid of helmet hair or something. "Shirley, did you find Zero?" Nina asked, rubbing her gloved hands together.

"No! And I looked all around the school, too… I looked in the cafeteria, around the cafeteria, outside the cafeteria, the rooms adjacent to the cafeteria, on the roof above the cafeteria…"

"I don't think that's the entirety of the academy, Shirley," Rivalz pointed out, not that it mattered.

Lelouch twitched. What kind of sitcom trite have I stumbled into?

"Hey. Ladies," Lelouch started.

They turned to look at him.

"Get naked. Right now."

"UM," Nina began, shyly covering herself.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh—" Milly drawled, her eyes widening.

"Could you repeat that?" Shirley stammered.

"-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh—"

"Like… word-for-word?"

-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?"

Fuck it. Lelouch turned on his Geass. "Nina. Shirley. Milly. Get naked. Right now."

"Sure thing, boss," the three girls said in unison, and they began stripping.

"HELL YEAH!" Rivalz chanted, high-fiving Lelouch.

Maybe I should have told them to only temporarily get naked… eh. Who cares.

All of a sudden, the ceiling vent slammed into the ground. Lelouch was startled, and he looked up to see who the vent assailant was. All he saw was a blur of brown and purple, spiraling towards the ground… no, spiraling wasn't the right word. More like… spinning.

Spinning.

Spinning.

OH MY GOD, NO!

Suzaku, dressed in Zero's outfit, stood up, looking confused. "Um… do you guys need a moment alone?"

"GET OUT OF HERE!" Lelouch yelled, his Geass surging forward.

It didn't work.

"Sorry, Zero probably needs this outfit back," Suzaku protested.

His STUPIDITY. It's so… unbelievably HIGH! GEASS WON'T WORK ON THE BRAIN-DEAD! FUCK!

Rivalz pulled out a camera and started filming the girls.

"Lelouch, dude, go make a Pornhub account like, right now," Rivalz advised.

Something inside of Lelouch snapped, and he smiled.

"LET'S SING A FUCKING SONG!" Lelouch proclaimed, sitting down at the piano.

"I might as well warn you now, I have a powerful singing voice," Suzaku boasted, smiling.

Lelouch began playing a major key melody, in B Flat or something, his fingers dancing across chords and treble-clef melodies. Everyone gathered around the piano and began singing.

"I'm Zero! Yes, I'm Zero!

I'm Zero and so are you!

I'm the Hero! The only Hero!

The Hero who'll save the day!

I wear tight pants and crimson spandex

And a Dracula cape, to boot!

I kill innocents and I ruin Elevens

With me, it's always a hoot!

Terrorism is cool!

Britannians are fools!

I may be fab, but I am not gay!

I am Zero!

The hero who will save… THE… DAY!"

Everyone rang out with a high note on the last word. The glass on Zero's helmet(s) started breaking.

"Ah, man, that was great!" Rivalz said, laughing.

"Round of applause, guys!" Lelouch said, clapping.

"Best rehearsal yet!" Milly proclaimed, cheering.

"I thought I was gonna die on the high note," Nina muttered, giggling.

"You did wonderfully, Nina," Shirley praised, chortling.

"I should join choir! This was fun!" Suzaku said, chuckling.

Lelouch suddenly slammed on the keys.

"WAIT, YOU NEVER WENT TO OUR FUCKING SCHOOL!"