Wow, more strong reactions to the last one. I'm sure everyone's relieved to hear that we're going to slow down for a few chapters before the intensity starts ratcheting up again. And trust me, the intensity will go up. After all, Operation Spitbreak ain't too far away.


Chapter Fifty-Two: Turning Into You

The hatred was palpable in the room. I stared into her eyes, the eyes of the young woman who despised me personally more than anyone I ever met. The eyes that resembled her younger brother, who I had killed in the descent into Earth's atmosphere.

"Asta," I said, as if that would help my situation at all.

She had silver hair and blue eyes like her brother, but she parted her hair in the middle so she didn't have bangs, and she also wore her hair fairly long. I'm amazed she could fit her hair into her helmet, to be honest, considering it went down to just past her shoulders. Probably had to tie it into a bun or something.

This was not the first time I had seen her. I had met her before in Banadiya. She tried to shoot me dead, and I was saved by Aisha. And now she and I were in the same room on one of ZAFT's transport aircraft, whose name and designation I didn't bother to memorize. I honestly didn't care.

I had been brought out here by submarine and stayed maybe five minutes on a ZAFT aircraft carrier before being airlifted away to Carpentaria with the rest of Athrun's squad. I hadn't said very much to anyone during the two days since I had allowed Athrun to abduct me out of Orb. I didn't want to talk. I was just thinking what I was going to do once ZAFT forced me to fight for them.

But now, I had no choice but to converse. It was clear there would be no relieving the tension in this plane until Asta and I worked things out.

"Asta," I said again. "If there's anything you want to say to me, get it out. I'm sick of being stared at."

Yeah, I was provoking her. I didn't care. I should've.

"Don't you have anything to say to me?" Asta growled, barely keeping her temper in check. "You murdered my little brother."

"Your brother was attempting a suicide run on the ship I was protecting," I said. "I did what I had to do to save my ship. Your brother was dead either way."

"You were protecting Naturals," Asta replied through clenched teeth. "You're saying a bunch of worthless Naturals are more important than one of us? Our race?"

Great, just what I needed to hear. More spewing of the 'Coordinators are superior' creed that was increasingly dominant in PLANT propaganda those days. "Those 'worthless Naturals' were my friends and the people who took me in so I would not die in Heliopolis after you people destroyed it. I owed them my life. I wasn't going to fail them or the people onboard. I was their best hope for survival."

Asta's eyes narrowed and I braced myself for her to attack me. Instead she restrained herself and just coughed into her right fist a couple of times. She had a sickly, phlegm-filled cough.

I saw her arms involuntarily flex under her uniform and she was strong. Practically an Amazon underneath her red ZAFT uniform. She did not look like a girl riddled with illness like what Aisha told me. But the cough told the whole story. She was clearly sick, perpetually sick, and it was likely going to kill her before long.

It fit Aisha's narrative, though, when she said that Asta had devoted her whole life just to living for her younger brother's sake. It would make sense Asta would make herself as strong and healthy as possible to try to help her chances of survival.

Athrun had been watching the whole conversation in silence. Now he finally spoke. "It's very likely they're going to have Cagalli serve in our unit, Asta. You've heard the rumors that we're building new Mobile Suits based on the GUNDAM designs found on Heliopolis. One of those machines is likely going to be Cagalli's."

Oh great. Just what I needed to hear. More secret Mobile Suits for me to deal with! Hadn't I had enough to deal with for a lifetime?

"What's your point?" Asta spat.

"The two of you are going to have to co-exist," Athrun said. "And, for the record, Asta, I will not tolerate you trying to bully or intimidate Cagalli. Yzak was my friend but Cagalli made the decision she felt was right. I respect that choice given the situation she was in. I would have done the same thing in her position."

"It makes her a blood traitor," Asta said. "What makes her different from anyone else who betrays us?"

"How could I betray you people if I wasn't on your side?" I asked.

Asta's eyes narrowed again and I heard both Athrun and Nicol take a step forward. I heard the third boy, Dearka, moan "Oh boy."

"What do you mean by that?" Asta growled.

"I never fought for ZAFT or was even a citizen of the PLANTs at any point in my life. I was a foreigner the whole time I attended Coordinator academies when I was a kid. I'm a citizen of Orb. Have always been. How could I have betrayed ZAFT or the PLANTs?"

"You made the conscious decision to fight against your race!" Asta shouted. There was very little holding her back now, and I sensed the other three young men in the room ready to grab her if she tried to attack me. "You killed your own kind in the service of our blood enemies! That counts as treachery in my book!"

Asta turned her head to the side and coughed several times, each one sounding deeper and sicker than the one before. She finally stopped and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "Damn it . . ."

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a canister and put a couple of pills into her hands. She took a half-full bottle of water that I assume was hers and she took the pills and the rest of the water in one long gulp.

"I assume that helps with the coughing," I said, consciously trying to change the subject.

"It alleviates the symptoms. It works . . . for maybe three or four hours. The time it works is becoming shorter and shorter," Asta said after a moment. "Soon it won't help at all. When it stops working, I will likely not have long to live."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"I don't want your pity," Asta said, her teeth clenched again, her voice full of bitterness. "I've lived twice as long as anyone expected me to. And I'm not ready to die yet. Not until . . ."

She punched the empty seat next to her and she gave me a look full of hatred. "I will have no choice but to be your ally if you truly do fight for us, Cagalli Yamato. But after this war is over . . . watch your back, you hear me? My brother will be avenged."

Great, just what I needed to hear. Something else to worry about even after this war was over.

"Asta, I told you not to intimidate Cagalli," Athrun said sternly. "You won't do anything of the sort. Understand?"

"If you weren't my commanding officer," Asta growled, "I'd tell you to go to hell."

She stomped away, leaving me with just the three young men around my age, the blond, dark-skinned Dearka Elsman, the green-haired Nicol Amalfi, and finally Athrun Zala, my old friend.

"She's a piece of work," Nicol finally said. "She is a really good pilot, though. Plus a lot of people admire her. People like her happen more often than we like to admit."

"What kind of people?" I asked.

"People born with weak, sickly bodies," Nicol said. "It happens sometimes with second-and-third-generation Coordinators. One thing PLANT doesn't like to talk about publicly is that it can be . . . extremely difficult for Coordinators to conceive, and when they do conceive . . . the children can be flawed. Often it's worse than what Asta has. Mutations or being born paralyzed in some way happens too."

"I see," I said. I remembered my science classes with Dr. Kato had said something to this effect, that there were rumors that second and especially third-generation Coordinators could be difficult to conceive, much less carry to term. Unlike first-generation Coordinators, which was what I thought I was, where the child has Natural parents but was genetically modified in the mother's womb, second-and-third-generation Coordinators are children born from a Coordinator's womb. And sometimes conception could be complicated. Some people were born sterile, for example, and then there was the 'weak body' example that Asta represented. And then . . .

I don't feel like writing about the more horrifying examples. Sorry. Let's just say maternity wards have a high turnover rate.

"Asta Joule is an example of how someone with a weak body can still accomplish a lot for PLANT and the ZAFT," Dearka said. "If you watch PLANT television, or just bring up her name on the street, she's actually somewhat of a celebrity. Not an A-list celebrity, mind you . . . but someone a lot of average people know about."

"Just as long as they don't make her duet with Lacus Clyne," I replied, which made Dearka snort.

"Idol singing isn't Asta's style. There's nothing to worry about there," Dearka replied, a small smile appearing across his face.

"That's good to hear," I replied, and somehow managed to return the smile. I couldn't escape the feeling that something inside me had died over the prior couple of days but now I had managed to get myself to the point where I could still tell jokes, as small and lame as they were.

Asta returned then. "We will be landing in Carpentaria in less than an hour. We will be debriefed and told of our new assignments. It doesn't sound like they want to attack Orb."

I felt mildly relieved at that, but I didn't let it show.

Athrun replied to her. "Our intelligence-gathering showed that the Archangel is no longer serving the Earth Alliance. The ship and its crew have defected to Orb. As Orb is a neutral we can't take action against this without violating Orb's neutrality and sovereignty."

"Pity." Asta gave me a nasty look and I knew where she was going with this in an instant. "It would have been interesting if they made Cagalli here fight her own country."

"Stop provoking her," Athrun said. "This is my final warning. She has been through a helluva lot."

"I'm surprised she isn't ripping your head off considering what happened to her," Asta said. She turned to face me. "Didn't Athrun murder your Natural boyfriend, Cagalli? Why aren't you mad?"

She was not asking that question honestly. She was provoking me again, feeling me out, wanting to see if I was mad at Athrun. And I had every right to be. Athrun had killed my boyfriend and then ordered Stellar shot with a tranquilizer dart. I should have been livid, but I couldn't manage the anger.

The truth was that Athrun did exactly what he had to do to save me. He shot Tolle because Tolle had threatened my life, and in a sense it was a mercy kill. And he could have had Stellar shot dead but ordered a switch to nonlethal ammunition which just sent Stellar flopping to the ground unconscious. Athrun had shown no spite nor anything but the desire to protect me. He did what he did in the interest of saving my life.

And that's what I said to her. "He saved my life, Asta. He's saved me more than once now, actually. You expect me to be yell at him, to hate him, when he's saved me? I can't do it."

Asta scoffed. "Your answer doesn't surprise me at all. Makes me wonder why I asked it in the first place."

"Look," Dearka said, kicking back in his seat, "She's one of us now. Considering how often she's kicked our asses that's a good thing. Now she can kick the Earth Alliance's asses instead."

Asta shook her head. "You just don't get it."

She left again, leaving us all in silence.

"I don't think she and Cagalli are going to co-exist if Cagalli's assigned to our unit, Athrun," Nicol said.

"They'll have to," Athrun said grimly. "There's no choice. Way too much is at stake here."

The grave tone in Athrun's words brought a nervous, tightening feelings to my stomach. I couldn't help but think that something big was about to go down. Something that was a game changer, above everything else ZAFT had tried to end the war.

I was scared. I didn't want to know what it was. But I knew I was going to.

There was no way I was not going to fight for ZAFT. No way at all. They'd make sure of it.

The only mystery was in what capacity . . . and what machine would be assigned for me to fly.

One thing was for sure. I was about to get clued in.


Once we landed in Carpentaria Athrun led me away from the transport. "Follow me. I need to report this to my own commander in person and I'm sure he wants to see you. You were a bit of a thorn in his side when we were chasing after you and the legged ship."

"Sure," I said softly, biting back a number of cruel, sarcastic one-liners that would be aimed at Athrun and the entire ZAFT force in general.

"Thank you." I followed Athrun out of the airfield when we were immediately approached by a woman in a green ZAFT uniform, she looked like a young, freshly minted officer.

"Captain Zala! I was ordered by headquarters to meet you here!" the woman said as she saluted.

"Yes?" Athrun asked. "Please go ahead."

"You and your squadron are to depart for the Mass Driver as soon as possible once 1st Lieutenant Yamato is ready to join you! Your detachment is being temporarily withdrawn to the PLANTs!" the woman said.

"W-Wait, what?" I asked, completely shocked by what I had just heard. "I'm a 1st Lieutenant now?"

The woman turned towards me and smiled. "Unofficially. The paperwork has been prepared for your commission, 1st Lieutenant Yamato. It will be waiting for you to sign when you pick up your uniform. Congratulations, you are being inducted into the ZAFT as an elite pilot. In other words you're going to be wearing a red uniform."

It took me a moment to process all of that before I could even manage a feeble protest. "H-How did you move on this all of a sudden? It's only been two and a half days since I boarded a ZAFT vessel!"

"I'll explain all of this to her," Athrun broke in, with an awkward look on his face. "Just tell me where to go for her to pick up her paperwork and . . . yeah."

"Oh, certainly! I have something for her to give the desk too!" After handing me some sort of official document, the woman gave us the directions while I could scarcely memorize over the shock of already receiving my commission. That was fast. Inhumanly fast. They were wasting no time inducting me into their military.

Like they were already waiting for me to join them.

As I followed Athrun away, the woman waved at me. "Thank you so very much for joining us, 1st Lieutenant! You're going to make so many people happy!"

I mustered an awkward wave back, and then turned right to Athrun. "What the hell is going on?"

"There's not many Coordinators left on Earth who don't serve in ZAFT's military," Athrun said. "It's rather surprising when it happens nowadays. You may be a bit of a celebrity for a while."

"Wait, what?" I looked around. More than a few people were looking at me. None of them looked that unhappy to see me. They were mostly gawking, and a couple were even waving and smiling.

"I guess my report to Carpentaria got leaked, so . . . it has to be a morale booster for everyone," Athrun said.

"What did you say on your report?" I asked as we entered the vestibule of the building we had been directed to. The vestibule was thankfully deserted so I felt I could speak frankly.

"I did the only thing I could do to prevent people from being furious at you for killing so many of our soldiers," Athrun replied. "I fudged the truth. I glossed over your service to the Earth Alliance and reported that I convinced you to willingly defect to ZAFT."

I came very close to punching him in the face. I even began the punching motion before I stopped myself. "That's not what happened. I came because I had no choice!"

"Yeah, well, if I reported that, people would be pissed at you instead of glad you're here!" Athrun responded, no humor in his eyes anymore. "I managed to write the report in a way so you wouldn't be portrayed as a blood traitor, but as an honorable person who did what she needed to do to protect civilians from a neutral nation! And now that you accomplished your task you are finally joining our side!"

"You know what a half-truth is, Athrun? A whole lie! That's what you've told ZAFT!" I replied. "Like I told Asta-"

"I know what you told Asta! But there's a lot of people like Asta, they see things the way she does!"

Athrun took a deep breath and exhaled, and closed his eyes for a moment, like he was resetting himself. "So I did what I had to do to portray you in the best possible light, Cagalli. You are a good person and you deserve to be treated that way. You've come all this way, you deserve to be welcomed, not to be shunned and treated like a traitor."

"I'd rather have the truth come out as it should be, regardless of the consequences," I said.

"Cagalli, please. Just roll with it. What furor there is will die down soon enough," Athrun said. "Please."

I could see the pleading in his eyes and I knew I had to acquiescence. "Fine. But let go of me. Now."

"Yes, Cagalli." Athrun did so and I immediately turned and walked towards the door.

"Wait here, please. I want to get my paperwork and my uniforms on my own," I said.

"S-Sure," Athrun said, now looking a bit nervous.

"I'm not going to spoil your little story of me," I said. "But you do anything like that again, or dress up what you've told of me even a smidgen more . . . I am never speaking to you again. You hear me? I don't lie to people. That's something I don't do."

"Okay," Athrun sighed. "I understand."

"Thank you, sir," I said, putting emphasis on the 'sir' just to get on his nerves. I walked out of the vestibule then, and went to collect my paperwork and uniforms.

I was already starting to hate this stupid military.


The officers at the desk initially did not recognize me. "Well hello there, how can I help you?" asked a 'Lieutenant Mustang'. He was a muscular man with dark hair and eyes, and was clean-shaven.

The woman next to him, an 'Ensign Albarn' who had amber eyes and dark hair, rolled her eyes. Something told me that Mustang was a bit of an oddball. And he was either going to hit on me or be yet another person who would assume I was some kind of young boy.

"I am here to collect my paperwork and my uniform," I said, handing him that official document from that officer lady that I hadn't bothered to read.

Mustang glanced at it. "Damn, you're being inducted as an elite pilot, red uniform and all? Right onto Team Zala, one of the most specialized units in our forces? And at a 1st Lieutenant's commission? What the hell did you do to earn that right off the bat? It doesn't even look like you were ever in our forces or the academy!"

"Things," I replied.

"'Things', young man?" Mustang repeated.

"Don't start the repeating game with me," I said. "And by the way, I'm a young woman."

Mustang blinked. "Oops. Was wonderin' if you were too pretty-looking to be a boy. You've got one of those faces, you know, where it's hard to tell-"

I was getting really annoyed with the guy and so I interrupted his apology, which he was screwing up anyway. "I'm here to collect my paperwork and my uniforms and I just want to go."

"Okay, okay," Mustang said. "It's official and signed by a 'Commander Le Creuset'. Let me authenticate it and we'll get it rolling."

Commander Le Creuset? That was Rau Le Creuset! My enemy up in space! So he was involved in this too? Why was he getting involved in this?

No wait. He was Athrun's commanding officer. He likely authorized Athrun's excursion into Orb personally. And when Athrun reported he had me, only someone like Rau Le Creuset would plow through the bureaucratic red tape at such a speed so I could immediately join ZAFT's service.

And Le Creuset had witnessed what I could do firsthand. I had held off all of his elite goon squad and then some for two whole months. A lot of it was Mu La Flaga and the Archangel and its crew, but if I had been shot down there would not have been much keeping the Archangel from getting destroyed. I was the best deterrent Archangel had and I succeeded in my mission.

"All right," Mustang said. "Looks like it checks out after all. You've got some serious brass backing you here. Commander Le Creuset is quite heralded in ZAFT."

Suddenly, a goofy smile crossed his lips. "I should mention that the ZAFT Redcoat uniform comes in twoversions for female officers! One is the standard uniform but the other has this really cute pink miniskirt! You wouldn't be mistaken for a boy with-"

Ensign Albarn grabbed Mustang's ear. "Travis! What did I tell you about trying to form your miniskirt army?"

"B-But Laura! Miniskirts!" Mustang whined through obvious pain.

Laura Albarn sighed and released Travis Mustang, but did it in a way that would cause Mustang's head to slam into the desk. Mustang just moaned quietly as Albarn turned towards me. "Please ignore the pervert. He has fantasies of making all of the female officers wear tiny miniskirts."

"It'll happen one day!" Mustang vowed from the indentation he had left in the desk. "When I get promoted high enough!"

Personally, if this was an example of his typical behavior, I'm still surprised he had even gotten promoted this far. He should've gotten tossed into the brig for sexual harassment a long time ago.

Albarn stuck out her hand. "I assume you want the standard uniform, Lieutenant Yamato, not this pervert's 'custom' job."

"Yes, definitely," I say.

Mustang just moaned in both pain and disappointment.

"All right then. Please come with me. We'll get you fitted and you will walk out of here with two dress uniforms and a pilot's suit and helmet," Albarn said. "In red, of course."

"Thank you, Ensign," I said, grateful that at least she had her head screwed on straight, unlike the beefcake she was partnered with.

"No thanks are necessary. I should be thanking you," Albarn said. "You must be seriously good to be commissioned right into the elite pilots without doing time in the academy or in the field. We're clearly lucky to have you."

"Thank you," I said. I wondered how friendly she would be if she knew the truth, that I had fought for the Earth Alliance for two months before I was here.

I decided it was best neither she or Travis Mustang would know.


I returned to Athrun with one of my uniforms on and the other dress uniform wrapped around my right arm. My left hand carried my bag which held my pilot's gear. Athrun just stared at me from the vestibule, as if he was both shocked and amazed.

"What?" I asked as I opened the glass door into the vestibule and shut it behind me.

"You . . . you look good. In the uniform, I mean."

"Hmmph." I didn't think I looked that good at all. It was just a uniform to me. And it looked strange on me. I was so used to wearing Earth Alliance colors. Wearing ZAFT red just . . . seemed surreal.

"I guess this means I've finally become like you. Which is what you've wanted all along, right?" I asked.

The bitterness really struck Athrun hard because he couldn't meet my eyes anymore. "Cagalli . . . that's not what I meant."

"All that time you chased after me in space and on Earth, always trying to get me to defect, to bring me onto your side. You've finally accomplished it. Now I wear the same uniform as you. Does that make you happy, Athrun?"

He didn't answer.

"Doesn't make you happy, does it? You probably thought it was going to be a dream and guess what, it's not. Better hope I don't die in the field, Athrun, or you're really going to regret this."

Athrun's eyes widened, but he still did not say anything or even turn to meet my gaze.

"Was Blue Cosmos really going to make another attempt on my life, Athrun, or was it just another story?"

"It was real," Athrun said. "Everything I told you about Blue Cosmos was real. They had contingency plans for three more attempts on your life if the first two failed. I found this out by interrogating a Blue Cosmos operative myself. That's why I did what I did and took you away. I can prove it."

He wasn't lying. There wasn't anything shifty about his eyes or his voice. Still, he was pissing me off.

"Well then, I guess this means I won't do any time in the brig for insubordination," I said, and I walked past him.

"Cagalli-"

"Athrun, I did not join ZAFT for you. I joined it to protect the people I love," I interrupted. I didn't even look at him. I didn't want to see his face anymore. Looking at my sleeves, at my legs, seeing the ZAFT uniform in general . . . I just felt angry. At Athrun, and at myself.

"My enemy is not the Earth Alliance. I knew people from the Earth Alliance. They were kind to me. Especially a woman named Murrue Ramius," I said after a moment. "My enemies are the extremists that are taking control of the Earth Alliance. Blue Cosmos is my target. Those are the people I want to kill, not the Naturals or any politicians or soldiers."

"Cagalli . . ."

"What, Athrun? Stop saying my name like a moron and make your point."

"It's nothing much." Athrun suddenly appeared at my right side, a melancholy look on his face. "Your tone reminds me of my father. He always speaks with the bitterness and anger you're showing right now."

"Huh?" That was something I hadn't expected, being compared to Athrun's own father.

"I believe my father is going to become Chairman. They're giving Siegel Clyne a vote of no confidence on his conduct of the war," Athrun said. "My father advocates a more aggressive approach and people on the Council are rallying behind him. He is not the man he was before Junius Seven. My mother . . . his wife, died there. He changed. He's a much crueler man, and if he becomes Chairman . . ."

"What's your point?" I asked.

"Don't let your anger and hatred eat you alive," Athrun said. "Hatred has already consumed my father. I hope it won't take you too."

"Athrun!" I wanted to say more but Athrun opened the door to the outside.

"Cagalli, my father . . . he wanted you dead or to use you. That's why I used every bit of clout I have and even used my commanding officer's influence to make sure you were assigned to my unit. So my father won't have his way with you once he becomes Chairman," Athrun said. "So please, don't become like him. My father hated Blue Cosmos exclusively at first, but then . . ."

He stopped. "Never mind."

"Athrun, don't just stop mid-sentence when-"

"You'll find out the rest when we meet my father," Athrun said. "Now come on. We need to set up departure arrangements as soon as possible."

"Uh . . ." Athrun was done with this conversation, I could tell. And I could also tell was I pushing him away. I had really cut him to the bone with what I've said, but he wasn't getting angry with me. Just, just growing more distant. Which wasn't what I wanted, as angry as I was over the whole situation.

I had no friends in ZAFT or PLANT. No one. Just Athrun. If I lost Athrun . . .

"I'm sorry," I finally said. "I'm just angry over everything."

"It's all right. I knew you weren't going to be happy," Athrun said. "We can talk more while we're on our way to the PLANTs. Just follow me."

"All right." I followed Athrun out of the building, and walked with him in the sun.


Admit it, you wanted to know how Lunamaria Hawke got that pink miniskirt in Gundam SEED Destiny. NOW YOU KNOW.

Hope you enjoyed! Until next week!